“I’ve got you, Katherine.” He kept his eyes locked with mine as he stepped into the tub, holding both of my hands in his. I whimpered as I stepped over the edge of the tub and my feet landed in the lukewarm water. “That’s it, one step at a time,” he whispered. Lila grabbed my clothes from the floor, watching me carefully.
Once the warm water from the shower head hit my skin, I screeched from the pain, my body pulled and tugged in different directions. The ants were gone, replaced with bees that stung multiple times with the water cascading over us.
“No! It hurts! Please stop!” I cried, pulling away from his grip, then burying my face in his chest, crying uncontrollably.
“Shh…” He ran his hands up and down my back, unclasping my bra so he could massage my skin. “It’s okay. I told you I wasn’t going to leave you again, and I’m not. I’m here for you.” His tone was soft as he tried to comfort me. “Its just water, Katherine. Try to focus on that. It’s only water.”
My nails dug into his back. My skin was on fire, but I was cold and shivering at the same time. “It hurts Cole. Please,” I wept.
Cole reached for the detachable shower head and brought it closer to my body. He loosened his grasp and instructed me to sit on the tub floor. Cole sat on the edge of the tub with one hand holding the shower head and the other massaging my skin where the water hit me, so the pain was more tolerable.
“Is that better?” he asked.
“Yeah.” I brought my knees closer to my chest and hugged them.
Lila left the bathroom with tears in her eyes, mumbling that she had to change my bed sheets. Cole bathed me, his hands running down my hair as I cried. It had been three days, and I had survived. I was going to get better.
It was only a matter of time.
Day Six
The painful itching was gone, and all that was left in my body was the insomnia, the cold sweats, and the flu-like symptoms. I had asked Cole to leave after the bathroom incident. Not because I didn’t want him near me, but having him close by was too much for me to take. I couldn’t focus on getting better if I knew he was near me. Lila mentioned he had put up a fight at first, but eventually agreed, returning every night to check on me but never entering my room.
Ben and Lila took turns watching me. She had left for work right after Ben showed up today, and I’d asked him to stay in my room to watch television. My head was on his chest as he flicked through the daytime soap operas. Memories of my life began to float inside my mind. I was a different person now. I couldn’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror. The Katherine I once was, was over. Done.
And my life would never be the same.
“Hey.” Ben pushed on my shoulders, lifting me off his chest. “What’s the matter, baby girl?”
I sat on the bed, my head lowered as I wiped the tears. Unable to meet his eyes, I merely shook my head. His hand reached under my chin, lifting it up to him.
“Tell me what’s the matter.”
“I’m this broken person unable to mend the pieces. It’s like my life is over. Finished. Done. I have nothing left. Nothing to give. I feel like such a failure.” I tugged my chin from his grasp and looked back down at my fingernails.
“Look at me, Katherine.” He pulled my chin up again. “You’re not done. Nor are you broken. You, baby girl, are an unfinished story. You can’t quit and stop fighting because you don’t know what the world has in store for you tomorrow. You can’t say you’re finished because you don’t know the point of the book until it’s all written. This book—the book that you write every day— is your life. You’re still here, still fighting. So no, baby girl, you are not done. You’re a working manuscript. You’re the author.”
I moved off the bed and wrapped my arms around his neck. Hugging him tightly, I whispered, “Thank you.”
“For?” He kissed the top my head.
“For always saving me.”
“Always.”
18
Cole
Lila had warned me when I called her that morning to asked about Katherine’s detox. She said not to come over. She said that it was hard to watch her in such pain.
But I didn’t listen.
If she was in pain, I wanted to be there to hold her.
I bit back against the knot that lodge itself in my throat as the water cascaded down her back. She was all skin and bones, but she was still beautiful. I would do everything in my power to get her the help she needed.
“Here,” Lila said handing me a towel. I shut off the water and draped the oversized towel on Katherine. She hissed from the pain, and I scooped her into my arms.
Ben’s eyes softened as I sat her on the edge of the bed beside him. “It’s okay, Kat. You’re doing great,” he said through her whimpers.
“I can dress myself,” she said looking down at her hands. I looked over at Ben, and he mouthed, “I’ll help.” I wanted to stay and hold her through it all, but she needed to fight this battle on her own—without me.
I nodded and placed a kiss on her wet head. “If you need anything, please call.” I closed the door behind me and rested my head on the solid wood. Inhaling a copious amount of air, I exhaled slowly.
“I told you it was bad,” Lila whispered from down the hall.
“Fuck,” I cursed under my breath and walked over to her. “You weren’t lying.”
She sat on the couch and hugged her pillow. Her eyes were puffy, and I knew she hadn’t slept in days. “She’ll get through this.”
“Have you thought of rehab?” I sat across from her and rested my hand on my knees.
“It would be ideal, but I don’t think we have the money to afford one of those programs.” She shrugged. “I think we have it covered here. All she needs is the will to get better.”
“I have the money.”
“Cole—”
“No.” I stood and paced the floor in front of her. “I need her, Lila.” I ran my hands through my hair. “I love her more than I could have ever imagined. She is the best this that has ever happened to me, and I don’t care what it costs—I’ll pay for it.”
“Coleman Rhodes.” Lila smiled up at me. “You’re really in love.”
“Screw you,” I said, and she laughed. “I’ll make some calls and send you the information.”
“Okay,” she sighed. “I’ll talk to her, but I won’t force it.”
“Just try.” I nodded and walked over to the front door. “I need her, Lila.” She smiled at me.
As I stepped outside, the thick summer air greeted me. I pulled out my cell phone and made a call. I would get Katherine the best help money could buy.
19
Katherine
It had been two weeks since I asked Lila for help.
I was fourteen days clean, and sleep had finally found me again. Lila had given me tea to help me relax and have a peaceful night, and Ben had installed dark curtains in my room to keep the sunlight out as I slept most of the day. Hunger had also found me, and my appetite woke me from my sleep. I peeled my eyes open and looked at my alarm clock on my nightstand. One in the afternoon—time to get up.
Stretching my arms above my head, I tossed the covers to the side. After I was done in the restroom, I followed the voices to the kitchen. Ben was filling Lila in on my behavior for the past two days. I chuckled.
“Morning,” I said, squinting my eyes against the bright sun.
“Good afternoon, you mean.” Ben smiled.
I stuck my tongue out at the both of them and turned back to the coffee machine. The extra bold coffee poured out of the machine and into my mug. Ben and Lila continued to whisper behind me.
I took my steaming mug and pulled up a chair next to them. “What’s the big secret?” I asked, taking a sip of the black, bitter coffee.
Ben and Lila eyed each other before they turned their gaze towards me. I raised both hands in the air. “Hey, I didn’t do anything. I’ve been clean for two weeks now.”
Lila shook her head. “No, silly.”
She reached towards the chair beside her and pulled out a blue glossy folder. In gold letters it read, The First Steps. “We have something for you, but I don’t want you to overreact.” She pushed the folder towards me. I reached across the table, pulling it closer.
I opened the folder and was surprised to see what was inside. Pamphlets and articles about the First Step Rehabilitation Center filled half of the folder. The other half contained the treatment options and costs.
“Rehab?” I pulled out the pamphlet, looking at the pictures of the giant house near the water.
“Kat, don’t be mad. You’ve done such a great job these past few weeks, but we think you can really benefit from the counseling and other programs they offer. It might be in your best interest to talk to professionals about what triggers your addictions, and they can help with…the Gary situation.”
Ben reached for Lila’s hand, and they both waited for my reaction. I studied each article, making them sweat a bit more. “Well?” Ben asked.
“Guys, I think it’s great. Really. I would love to go, but I can’t afford this. Forty-thousand dollars is out of my price range. I’ve pretty much cleared out my bank account, and I doubt any bank is going to give my unemployed self a loan right now. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to afford rent next month.”
Lila looked at Ben and worried her bottom lip. “It’s already taken care of,” Ben said, releasing Lila’s hand and wrapping his arms around his chest.
“Don’t be mad.” Lila brought her hands up to stop whatever emotion I was beginning to demonstrate.
“Why did you guys pay—”
“We didn’t,” Ben interrupted.
Confused by what they were saying, I raised an eyebrow. It was now my turn to cross my arms over my chest as I waited for a response.
Sighing loudly, Lila bowed her head. “Cole paid for it.”
“He what?” I didn’t mean to slam my hands on the table, but I couldn’t help my reaction.
“Look, baby girl. That guy is in love with you. He came by every night demanding a full report of the past twenty-four hours. Every. Night.”
“Lila?”
“I had my doubts, so I approached him.” She raised her head and finally looked me in the eye. “I paid him a visit and the man was a mess. He’s been trying to help you every way that he can. And when you asked for help, I texted him.”
“He’s paying for all of this,” Ben said sliding the folder back to me.
My focus for the last couple of weeks had been me. When he’d bathed me, I’d kept my head lowered, unable to meet his eyes. I knew he said he would always be here for me, but I didn’t think there could be a relationship between us anymore. But God knew how much I missed him. Craved his touch. Missed the way his hands cupped my face.
“After the engagement party, he pulled Ben and me to the corner and demanded to know what was going on.” Lila walked over to the fridge and pulled out the ingredients to make lunch. “He came by work two days ago and dropped the folder off.”
I stared at the glossy portfolio, contemplating my options. I hated to admit it, but I was an addict and the urge to use still haunted the back of my mind.
“Okay. When do I go?”
Excitement immediately filled Ben’s face. “Really?”
“Yeah. If I’m going to nip this in the bud, I have to do everything possible, right?”
Lila set a plate of ham and cheese sandwiches on the table between us. “I’ll call Caleb and ask to borrow his car.” Walking over, she wrapped her arms around me and kissed the top of my head. “You, my friend, are going to kick ass.”
The ride up to Connecticut was quiet. I sat in the back and let the passing cars distract my wandering mind. My mom had wanted to be there with us, but I had to keep her at a distance. I was terrified to see her. The look I imagined that she would have frightened me. I knew I had let her down, and I wasn’t ready to tell her why her little girl had turned to drugs.
I was both excited and nervous about my two–month stay in rehab. I wasn’t allowed to have visitors for the first month of treatment, and my phone call privileges were limited to one call per week.
After I’d said goodbye to Lila and Ben, I handed over my phone. It would be a week before I spoke to anyone again. The massive home that housed the rehabilitation center was beautiful and featured a large outside patio where a circle of people currently gathered. My room contained a standard bed, nightstand, and dresser with a small bathroom attached. I sat on the soft pillow-top mattress and stared out the window.
This was home for the next sixty days.
20
Katherine
“Why do you think you turned to drugs?” my counselor Janet asked for the second time since I’d arrived in her office. I watched the dial on the clock pass each second as I thought about the question. Why had I turned to drugs? It was like asking a tired person why they turned to coffee.
It was my second time in therapy, and I felt like I was going nowhere. During my first therapy session, I’d sat on the cool leather chair, unable to speak. My eyes danced around the room as my brain tried to form words, but it was a complete blank. Janet waited patiently for me, but my words never came.
I had already been there for fifteen minutes now, and again I was unable to form an answer to her question. Why had I turned to drugs? It wasn’t that I’d turned to them because I enjoyed the high. They were merely an escape from reality. A place where I could run and hide from the dark cloud that followed me around.
“We have a scheduled session every morning. You don’t have to figure out everything all at once. This takes time,” she explained when another minute passed. “But know that I can’t help you unless you open up to me.”
“I was molested when I was a kid,” I whispered, my hands locked together as I pressed my nails into my skin. “My stepfather would come into my room every night and have his way with me.”
“I see,” she said, looking through her file. Her eyebrows furrowed when she looked up at me. “You’re saying that you turned to drugs because of what he did?”
“I doubt it’s in the file.” I laughed—a painful laugh as I recalled how I never had the courage to tell anyone. “I never told anyone. Not even my mom. When I was sixteen years old, he went to work one day and never came back. While my mom cried about her husband disappearing, I rejoiced at my freedom. I felt like there was no need to tell her when she was already suffering.”
Janet brought her pen to her lips, and her eyes looked me over. Dropping her pen on her notepad, she closed it and gave me a kind smile. “Go on,” she encouraged me.
“After Gary left—” His name slipped from my tongue like venom. “—I was free. I focused on school, and soon after my mother found another husband. When he moved in with us, I installed a lock on my bedroom door. I graduated high school and went to college. I felt normal. And then I saw Gary in a playground with two little girls.” My voice tightened, and I felt the tears pool in my eyes.
“It’s okay,” she said and handed me a box of tissue.
“I felt like a failure. He moved on from me and found another victim. Two actually.”
“His actions are not your fault.”
“Aren’t they though? If I had said something—if I had found the courage to tell anyone about the horrible things he did to me…” I let the tears drip from my eyes. “I was dating this guy at the time, and he used to pop pills like they were Tic Tac’s. When I showed up to his apartment in hysteria, he offered me one to calm down, and then another. We added a few shots of cheap liquor, and then we added sloppy sex. Before I knew it, I was using every day and sleeping my way through campus.”
Janet didn’t flinch, but tears grew in my eyes when I began to admit the horrible things I had done to get high. “But you got sober in college?”
“Yes.” I covered my face and sunk into the chair. “My roommate, Lila, helped me get sober.”
“Did you want to get clean?”
“I
hated the feeling after the high, and I was about to flunk out of school, so I told Lila and Ben the truth, and they took me to a methadone clinic. By the time I moved to New York, I was clean.”
“Do you think you turned to drugs as an escape?”
“Yes.”
“And what happened this time?”
“Gary showed up at my door.” I ran my hands through my hair. “I was working on this case for work. I found out the guy had rape charges dropped against him, and I became obsessed with putting him behind bars. I had found the evidence we needed to get him there. And then I was walking home one night, and there was Gary sitting on my step as though nothing had happened. Every memory and feeling resurfaced, filling me with hate.”
“What did he want?”
“Forgiveness.” I laughed, and I cracked my knuckles wanting a hit to take off the edge.
“Okay.” She closed her notepad. “I think that’s enough for one day.” She smiled.
“That’s it?”
“Of course not. We’ve only touched the surface of your issues, but we have sixty days, and I want to take it one day at a time.”
“What do you think is wrong with me?”
“From what I gather you have PTSD.” She stood and walked over to her desk and handed me a pamphlet. “You experienced horrific trauma as a child, and it will take us some time to work through this.”
“But I’ll get better?”
“In time, yes.”
Physically I felt exhausted, even though I’d slept more in the past few weeks than I could remember. I didn’t partake in any of the physical activities. I went to therapy, followed it with group therapy, after lunch I took a nap, then after dinner, I went to my room. I was physically drained, my body recuperating from the hell I had put it through.
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