Caim, noun
Sanctuary.
Lying in bed together felt like the most natural thing in the world. The shape of Bebe’s body against mine felt familiar yet strange, and I loved the way her tight, supple skin felt against my own. It was a revelation, one I’d spent years upon years walking away from, but now I couldn’t get enough.
I wanted to inhale her scent like a drug. Fill my nostrils with the sweetness of my girl. Fill my mouth with her syrupy taste and taste the sweetness of her full, pouty lips until I was punch-drunk on them.
“Don’t leave,” she whispered to me, settling into my embrace. “Please, I… I know you have to go, but try and stay with me, please.”
“I’m not leaving,” I promised. “Not a chance in fucking hell, sugar. I’m going to sleep with you tonight.”
Somehow, I even believed myself, knowing that I was telling her the truth. I pulled her in closer and she arched her back, her ass against my crotch making me hard as a rock like so many times before. She giggled when she felt it, wiggling her ass all over my lap while I groaned and pulled her even closer.
“Bebe,” I said softly. “I want to know more.”
“What do you want to know?”
“You…” I sighed. “I just want to know so much more about you.”
“You think I’ve been hiding things?” Her breath was soft, sweet against my fingers.
I turned her around, so she was facing me, her naked body molding mine as perfectly as a piece of the same puzzle. She held onto me, and I let my shaky fingers loose in her hair, tangling in the strands and tugging gently on her beautiful locks. I never wanted to leave. Didn’t even give a shit about all the usual stuff that should’ve been worrying me at that point. All that mattered was Bebe, and this moment, and as many more stolen ones as I could fit into my day—and night. I’d stay awake if it meant watching her, being near her.
“No,” I exhaled.
“You’re lying,” she accused, trying to pull away.
My brow furrowed, and I didn’t let go as I leaned closer, whispering in her ear, “Haven’t you been hiding things, sugar? All those things you thought were too much for me?”
“I guess,” she whispered.
“So, tell me. Tell me everything.”
“I don’t know where to start,” she said weakly.
“Start at the beginning,” I said. “Tell me about your childhood.”
She smiled shyly at me, but it took her several moments before she could go on. Her eyes were red-rimmed before she even started speaking.
“I was happy,” she confessed. “Really, really happy. I had an amazing childhood. I was such a happy little girl.”
“Your parents, were they together?” I asked her.
“Yeah,” she nodded. “They’ve been together for over twenty-five years now. My mom had me quite young, but her family didn’t really agree. My mom’s Tricia Wellstone.”
I gave her a blank stare and she got up on her elbows and laughed incredulously.
“Don’t tell me you don’t know her?” she asked, and I shrugged apologetically.
“I’m sorry if I should, I guess I prefer to keep myself out of the public eye,” I admitted. “And I’m not really the type to read tabloids, either.”
“So, you’re just assuming she’s some kind of rich socialite?” Bebe asked, her eyes sparkling.
I fiddled with the duvet uncomfortably when she giggled and fell back into my arms, playfully pulling me down and kissing me deeply. I got lost in her sweetness once again, letting myself fall for everything she stood for, so very uniquely Bebe. I couldn’t get enough of her, but she wouldn’t let me hold her back after we’d kissed.
“Am I wrong?” I asked her cheekily, and she stuck her tongue out at me.
“No,” she admitted. “She was a socialite. She was an it girl in the eighties, and she’d be more than proud to tell you that as well. Her family is super, super wealthy… it’s old money. The Wellstone family are one of the founders of their city. Our lineage goes way back.”
“Impressive,” I told her. “But I get the feeling you’re not really in touch with them?”
“No,” she winced, a barely visible sign of uncomfortableness that I almost missed in the dimly lit room.
It was now fully dark outside. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d spent the night in someone else’s room, slept over in an apartment other than mine. It seemed almost incomprehensible that I was really doing it, being here in Bebe’s bed and not giving it a second thought. There was nowhere I would’ve rather been.
“What about your dad?” I asked, and she gave me a bright smile.
“Dad is a lot like me,” she told me, a hint of love in her voice. She was obviously a daddy’s girl, and it brought a smile to my lips when I thought of her as a young girl with her father. I wondered whether I’d ever get to meet him.
“He started his company from nothing,” she went on. “He used some of Mom’s savings… She invested in him, like she always says, but her family never forgave her for using her trust fund, not even though Dad’s company turns over seventeen million yearly.”
My eyes widened at the size of the huge sum, but I didn’t comment on it. Of course, I should have known Bebe was well off. She didn’t just get an apartment like this from nothing, and she was always wearing expensive clothes—and lingerie. The money had to be coming from somewhere, though I didn’t want to be rude and assume.
“Dad’s family was really small.” She twirled a strand of hair around her finger. “My last grandma died a few years ago, but we were never really close. So it was mostly just my parents and me.”
I was itching to ask about them, but I made myself change the subject. I wondered if I’d ever get to meet the people who had Bebe, who made her into the amazing girl she was now.
“What happened later? When you were older?”
“I got bullied,” she shrugged. “Like, a lot. Throughout primary school and high school.”
“What?” I was genuinely surprised. “How could anyone bully you?”
I let out a small chuckle, but she glared at me and the laughter caught in my throat.
“I… I wasn’t always like this,” she admitted in a shaky voice. “I was a different girl back then. Vulnerable. I had braces, ratty hair, acne… No friends. Absolutely no one but my parents.”
“And then?” I asked.
“And then they came along,” she winced at the next part of her story. “Arden and Posy.”
My heart pounded at the mention of those names. One of the girls, I already knew—the other remained a mystery.
“They were totally different, but from wealthy families just like me,” she explained. “I’d gotten rid of my braces and breakouts, gotten a bit of a makeover thanks to Dad’s publicist. I still don’t know whether it was the worst or the best thing to happen to me. But it was enough for them to notice me at the university.”
“What did you study?” I asked. I had Art History in mind for her, or maybe English Literature.
“Undeclared,” she shrugged, giving me a shy smile. “I didn’t really finish. I went for three years but barely passed a few exams. All I did was go out with the girls… It was all that mattered. Being someone, you know? Feeling like I belonged.”
“With Arden and… Posy?” I asked, and she nodded.
“They were so glamorous. A year older, living off their trust funds, so I took advantage of my own too. My parents trusted me, there was no reason for them not to, so I just…” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I just got this apartment and moved in. Posy died three months afterward.”
I stared at her, my fingers gently caressing her cheek. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t deal with my own pain, let alone someone else’s. But still, I hoped my gentle touch was enough to show Bebe that I felt for her, cared for her, maybe even…
“I loved her,” she admitted, her eyes misty as she looked away from me. “I really did, she was such a special
girl.”
“I’m sorry, sugar,” I whispered, leaving a fleeting kiss against her lips. “Did she…”
“She overdosed,” Bebe choked out. “It was too much for her body, the pill she took.”
All of it made sense then. Bebe’s need to drink, to take stuff to drown her sorrows. I got it now, got the self-punishment and the hatred she felt for herself. She was punishing herself for what had happened with her best friend. But she would never replace Posy. She had earned her wings, and my girl was here to stay. The decision had been made without her help.
“Bebe,” I said gently. “Please… What about your parents? Do they know?”
She shut her eyes tightly as a tear made its way down her cheek. I smoothed it away with my thumb, trailing it over her lips. She licked at it, tasting the saltiness of her own tears.
“They know,” she said. “They called me when it happened, tried to come here, they were so sad. They loved Posy… they love Arden too. I wouldn’t let them come.”
“Have you…” I tried to make my words gentle, careful. “Have you seen them since it happened?”
“No,” she shook her head weakly. “I think they’ve stopped trying, but the money is still coming… They must want to get rid of me so badly.”
“No,” I growled. “No, Bebe, you have it all wrong.”
The shrill melody of a ringing phone interrupted us, and she sniffled before jumping out of bed like a flash and walking over to the coffee table. Her phone was flashing, and her brow furrowed as she picked it up and pressed it to her ear.
“What?” she asked stiffly. “I don’t understand. I am listed? No one else?”
A long pause followed, but I was already out of bed and pulling my jeans on. I felt an emergency brewing, and I knew I’d want to help her.
“I’ll be there,” she muttered softly, cutting the call.
“What is it?” I asked, stepping closer to her.
She was shaking, her whole body trembling as I pulled her into my arms. I held her close, her sweet, tender body so fragile against mine it felt like a gust of wind would blow her over. I felt so fucking responsible in that moment, and my entire life, I’d been running from exactly that feeling—being responsible for someone other than myself.
But not with Bebe. I didn’t feel the dread, the fear this time around. I just felt this overwhelming, crazy need to protect her. To make sure she was always okay and taken care of. There was nothing else I wanted anymore. Nothing in the world.
“Arden,” she whispered.
“What?” I asked roughly, looking down into her scared eyes that looked like pools of darkness in the night. “Is she alright?”
Bebe shook her head, her bottom lip trembling.
“She’s in the hospital,” she choked out, and I held her closer, trying to hold in her sobs.
“We need to go,” I told her roughly. “Do you know where?”
“St Paul’s Memorial,” she said, but pulled on my arm when I started walking. “But, Miles… You can’t just leave. Right?”
I stepped closer to her. In her eyes, I recognized a person who had connected with me on the same level I’d connected with her. She’d been the one telling me her story, but through my actions that night, I had already revealed mine.
“I will go any-fucking-where for you,” I told her roughly. “And no one in the fucking world will stop me.”
Moonstruck, adjective
Unable to think or act normally, especially because of being in love.
We managed to hail a cab in the street, a rare occurrence since it was Friday night and the city was littered with hammered students looking for a ride.
Miles looked enormous in the car, squashed in the backseat with me. The driver looked at us curiously as I barked the name of the hospital at him, but thankfully he didn’t have any further questions. Seemingly sensing the urgency of the situation, he put his foot on the pedal and we were off.
I stared out of the window, my heart beating nervously as we wound our way through the busy streets. I felt Miles reach for me, but my hand remained limp and lifeless in my lap. The nurse I’d spoken to on the phone hadn’t given me much information, just saying Arden had collapsed at home, and her boyfriend called 911. I was listed as her emergency contact, so they called me, not her parents.
I knew why. Arden’s parents were older and quite traditional. They wanted to be heavily involved in her life, but Arden didn’t want that, and she’d been pushing them away since before I’d met her. Her eating disorder had only managed to alienate them further, and I knew Arden had listed me as an emergency contact when this had happened before. She hadn’t eaten, and she collapsed in a club while we were out once. It was fucking terrifying and I could still remember the crushing fear of not knowing whether she’d be alright.
The doctors chalked it up to dehydration and malnutrition, but Posy and I had talked them out of scheduling her a meeting with a therapist, saying she’d just gotten drunk on an empty stomach. But ever since that day, I regretted not telling the truth, and I’d asked myself countless times whether we’d made a mistake by keeping Arden’s secret from the hospital staff—and her parents.
Just like me, Arden had almost completely cut off her parents, but after Posy passed away, she’d been in touch with them regularly. I resented the fact, still unsure whether it was because of my own insecurities or the deeply rooted jealousy I still had for both my friends.
When I’d been younger, I looked up to them like so many other girls at our university. They felt so untouchable, so incredibly out of reach that I didn’t even bother trying to get closer. But when they approached me, it felt like the sky was lower that night and I was a part of the starry map. They’d put me on the horizon, and they could take me off it just as easily.
I did my best to imitate them, with Posy being the ringleader and shepherding us all into the life so many girls dreamed of. Starving ourselves so we were bone thin, and could drink on empty stomachs to get smashed easily, we dressed in expensive clothes and got paid to appear in the new nightclubs dotted around the city. As soon as word got out about us being there, the club was the new it place to be.
And now, there were only two of us left, and we were both in a fucking state.
I squeezed Miles’ hand and risked a look at him. He had a smile on his face, encouraging but not insensitive, and he was so painfully handsome it made my heart beat a little bit faster. I was still terrified, so very afraid of him just walking out on me or finally coming to his senses and realizing I was not the girl he wanted me to be. But as the seconds and the minutes passed, he convinced me that he cared about the real me, and that was the reason he stayed.
Imagining how difficult the trip must’ve been for him felt impossible, but I felt the faint tremor of his hand as he wrapped his fingers around mine. Trying to comfort him, I let my own hand touch his, my fingers sliding along his knuckles gently. The events of the past day were a whirlwind in my mind, and it felt almost impossible to think about everything that had happened. I couldn’t even do it, my head aching at the thought of those two men, and what they’d done to me.
Pulling my hand away sharply, I looked away, through the mirror. I felt Miles’ searing gaze, but I refused to look back, instead focusing my attention on our surroundings. It was raining now, thick raindrops splattering against the windshield as we made our way downtown. The journey was agonizingly slow, and when the taxi driver turned around and proudly pointed at the clock, I couldn’t believe we’d made it there in record time. It felt like a century had passed since I’d sat down in the car.
Miles paid for the ride and I gave him a grateful smile before we raced up the steps and into the hospital. We were messily dressed, Miles in his jeans and T-shirt and me in a hastily-thrown on outfit and his hoodie on top. He must have been freezing, but he didn’t say a word about it, just held my hand as we made our way into the building.
The ER waiting room was filled with people that only served to make my
anxiety worse. People who were bleeding, screaming, shouting and complaining. People that scared me, because surely Arden couldn’t belong here? She’d been almost better when I’d last seen her. Surely, she couldn’t have relapsed so fast?
“Bebe!”
I turned in the direction of the voice. “Nick,” I muttered, pulling Miles behind me as I rushed toward him.
Arden’s would-be boyfriend looked completely different than I remembered him. I’d met him a bunch of times, purposely embarrassing him by pretending not to remember him and making him shake hands with me awkwardly while Posy erupted into a fit of giggles. But now, he looked much different than the guy I remembered, and the sight of him in the hospital made me think about how different my life was to Arden’s now. She was starting to settle down, slowly easing herself off the party lifestyle and beginning to build a life of her own. And here I was, still stuck in the same old lifestyle, just with new people and a new flavor in my mouth every day.
Nick was tall, not as tall as Miles, but handsome nonetheless. He’d lost some weight since I’d last seen him, and it had done wonders for his confidence. He didn’t even look away from my eyes as he came closer.
We finally met in the middle of the hallway, and Miles lingered awkwardly behind me while Nick and I stared each other down.
“Well?” I said. “She’s okay, right?”
My heart pounded in fear.
“She’s ok for now,” he replied. “They’re running some tests still. She asked for you.”
“But she’s ok?” I asked roughly, and he nodded, urging us to walk with him.
But I couldn’t. I was frozen to the spot. “Ok,” I whispered. “I guess… I guess we’ll be going, then.”
“What?” both Miles and Nick said at once, and I looked at the wall, at the ceiling, at the floor. At anything but their faces.
I didn’t know how to tell them. How to admit that I wanted to be anywhere in the world but stuck in that hospital, with both of them judging me. That I wanted to bolt for the door and run as fast as I possibly could just to get away from this whole damn mess. Because I was a selfish mess myself, and I didn’t deserve Arden. I never had. I’d always been a terrible friend.
Peep Show Page 19