Fleas hadn’t trained his woman very well. Either that or he didn’t think I’d come after him at home. Anyhow, when we knocked on his door Barbara opened it without checking. It was all over in seconds. Immediately she appeared in the doorway, Benjy clamped his paw over her mouth and shoved her back into the flat. We were in. Quick and easy, no noise and no witnesses. The first part of the task had been accomplished.
In the front room, we gagged Barbara, tied her hands and feet and lay her on the floor facing the wall. Mitch and Benjy then went off to search the rest of the flat, hoping to find some kind of booty lying around, leaving me to watch Barbara. She was wearing an outsize yellow T-shirt and a pair of skin-tight black leggings that showed off her perfect arse. Seeing in her that position gave me an immediate hard-on and I was tempted to take her right there and then. For several minutes I stood picturing the scene: her lying flat on her stomach and me fucking her hard from behind. With all the Charlie I had in me, my heart was pumping at the thought, but I was determined not to touch her till Fleas got back. I needed him there to bear witness.
My thoughts were interrupted when I noticed that Barbara was trying to turn around. I gave her a quick dig in the ribs with my heel and she groaned and resumed her original position. The spell now broken, I turned away and began scanning the front room. Apart from a red two-piece sofa, a small dining table with two mismatched chairs and a mini Hi-Fi system, there was nothing in it. No pictures on the white walls, no ornaments on the mantelpiece over the bricked-up fireplace, no rugs or mats on the laminate floor, no plants. There wasn’t even a TV. I couldn’t work that one out. Even in the days when I was squatting we had a small black and white set. Maybe Fleas and Barbara were among that strange breed who didn’t like watching telly, but whatever the reason for so glaring an omission I was surprised to be having such mundane thoughts at a time when I should have been pumped up and focussed on the job at hand.
As if to remind me to get my mind right, Mitch returned looking seriously pissed off to have found only a few bits of jewellery and forty quid in cash.
‘What a couple of paupers,’ he said and kissed his teeth.
Soon after that Benjy appeared, looking similarly disappointed. ‘This yard is proper dry. Even the kitchen.’
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
‘The kitchen? The fuck you looking in there for?’
Benjy gave me a condescending smile.
‘That’s the first place you look. You know how many drums I’ve broken into and found money and shit hidden in the freezer?’
Mitch said, ‘Stop lying. You know you was really looking for food.’
They had a little snigger at that and punched fists for emphasis. They were acting like a couple of naughty schoolboys. I needed them to focus.
Just then Barbara made a moaning noise. ‘Shut the fuck up bitch!’ said Mitch, before adding, ‘Damn! I can’t wait to stab her pussy.’
He then turned to me and said, ‘We really gotta wait till that eediot Fleas gets back?’
‘Yeah,’ I replied. ‘We do. That’s the whole damn point. I want that battyboy sitting ringside when she gets it. So back the fuck up.’
In an effort to take control of the situation, I had deliberately put an edge on my voice. I didn’t have to worry about Benjy, but it was crucial that Mitch understood that I was running the show and to make sure he knew it I brandished the gun for the first time since we arrived. It had the desired effect.
‘Hold it down,’ said Mitch.
‘Yeah,’ said Benjy, ‘man was only ramping, for fuck’s sake.’
I glowered at them. ‘Yeah, well, I didn’t come here to ramp.
This ain’t some kinda game.’
They stood there watching me, not sure what to do or say next. Benjy didn’t seem so much afraid as suspicious, as if he thought I might turn on him.
Mitch on the other hand smiled and said, ‘Chill out, Si. We’re all bredrens here, remember?’
I knew that tone, he only ever used it when he couldn’t get the better of me by bullying means, but I wasn’t playing with him that night. When he realised this, he went and sat on the sofa, where he was quickly joined by Benjy.
For several minutes none of us spoke. Occasionally, Mitch would cast a wary glance in my direction, checking on me. I stared him down, determined to make him understand that I was in the zone and that I meant business. Benjy seemed unsure what to do, who to side with. He kept looking from me to Mitch, smiling at both of us in turn, clearly not wanting to take sides. Aware of the tension between me and Mitch he was trying, as ever, to keep us from tearing each other apart. From the corner of my eye I saw Barbara crane her neck a little, trying to see what was going on behind her, but she was very careful not to move too much, like a bird that had been caught by three razor-clawed cats and was trying to play dead. The tension in the room began to mount. After a while I couldn’t bear it anymore and went to the window to have a peep behind the curtain. The street was a dead as a desert.
With my anxiety levels about to go through the roof, I sucked in a couple of deep breaths and went and sat at the dining table. I remained there for the next half an hour or so, gun in hand, waiting. In that time, Mitch, clearly determined not to agitate me further, stayed schtum. At one point he rolled himself a spliff and offered me a drag, as a kind of peace offering, but I refused and he passed it to Benjy instead. I needed something stronger, and so I got out my little packet of Charlie and had two quick snorts, sniffing the powder from the back of my hand before licking the empty packet clean and then wiping it against my teeth and gums. It was good stuff, hadn’t been cut to nothing with Ajax or washing up powder. The rush it gave me was indescribable. I felt as if I was inflating, every part of my body seemed to expand. Then my ears started humming, I started getting palpitations and my mouth filled with saliva. I was conscious of where I was and what I was doing, but at the same time I had the sense of not being present, a feeling of being separated from my surroundings. Panic and paranoia then set in. I looked at Mitch and was convinced that he and Benjy were plotting to jump me. Struggling to keep it together, I gripped the gun and for the next while kept looking at my watch. I was getting impatient for the thing to be over. Seeing Barbara on the floor like that, like an animal waiting to be slaughtered, sickened me. What the hell was I doing? She didn’t deserve to be terrorised. Why didn’t I put an end to her nightmare? Why not let the poor girl alone? My beef was with Fleas, why drag his girl into it?
When it reached eight o’clock I was practically climbing the walls. When it got to nine and Fleas still hadn’t showed up I snapped. ‘Fuck this for a laugh.’ I marched across the room to Barbara and grabbed her under her armpits and dragged her back to the dining table and put her to sit on one of the chairs. Mitch and Benjy unglued themselves from the sofa and came and joined me. With the three of us standing over her, Barbara lost it.
With a crazed look in her tear-filled eyes, she started shaking her head and moaning through her gag, her expression that of someone who believed her time had come and was making one last desperate plea to be spared. I said, ‘Now listen carefully, Barbara. I’m gonna take off that gag, but I swear to God, if you even think about screaming…’ I put the gun to her temple and she became so frightened her eyes virtually popped out of their sockets. ‘…That’s right. Now, then. I want some answers.’
Benjy looked puzzled. He turned to Mitch as if in search of an answer to what I was doing but Mitch had his eyes fixed on Barbara, was running them all over her body. I said, ‘You expecting your boyfriend back tonight?’ She started making muted sounds, trying to speak through the gag. I passed the gun in front of her eyes. ‘Remember. No screaming.’ She nodded and I took off the gag.
As soon as it was out of her mouth she let out a shrill, earsplitting scream. Mitch and Benjy immediately pounced on her and had the gag back in her mouth in a matter of seconds. They then stood back, waiting to see what I would do, waiting for instructions. I pond
ered my next move. I had to make Barbara talk. I had to know if she expected Fleas back that night and if so, roughly when. Looking at Mitch, it seemed pretty clear to me what he had in mind and so I decided to use him to scare Barbara into spilling the beans.
I turned to him and said, ‘She’s all yours.’
The words had barely left my lips before he was tearing at her clothes. For a moment or two Benjy didn’t move, he didn’t seem to know what to do, and then he suddenly sprang into action and started helping Mitch. Virtually mad with fear, Barbara was now struggling and trying to scream through the gag, but of course it was useless and within minutes Mitch and Benjy had stripped her naked, exposing her full heavy breasts and thick black bush. When they started to get undressed themselves I brought a halt to the proceedings. ‘Hold up a minute.’ They froze, looked at me. Benjy had stripped down to his waist, whilst Mitch, determined to get in there first, had managed to shed everything barring his socks. I couldn’t help but notice his small cock. ‘Damn!’ he said. ‘What now, Si?’ Barbara had stopped struggling and was now whimpering, looking between us with an expression that was one-part confusion to nine-parts terror. I said to her, ‘I’m gonna ask you again. You expecting Fleas back tonight or what?’ She stared at me, as if waiting for me to remove the gag, but I wasn’t playing that game anymore. ‘Just nod or shake your head.’
She waited a second or two, then nodded. ‘OK. That’s good. Now I need you to give me a rough time. I’m gonna count down from ten o’clock. When I get to the right time I want you to nod. You got that?’ She stared at me for a few seconds, then nodded.
‘Very good. Ten o’clock?’
She shook her head.
‘Eleven?’
Another shake of the head.
‘Midnight?’
She waited a moment, as though unsure of what she was doing, then nodded quickly.
To make certain I had it right, I said, ‘You’re expecting him back around midnight?’
She nodded again, twice this time. She had to be telling the truth. It would explain why Fleas hadn’t come home already. In which case the game was up. I wasn’t going to sit around for another three hours. I was just too wired. The wait would have done my head in. The plan had gone wrong and it was now just a question of seeing what could be salvaged from the wreckage. Fleas would have to be taken down some other time. But until then I decided to send him a clear message.
I turned to Mitch and said, ‘Do your t’ing.’
Within seconds he had Barbara lying on the floor, on her back. To penetrate her properly, he had to get Benjy to hold her down while he undid the bound around her ankles, at which point she began to kick and wriggle like a thing possessed. For all their superior strength, Mitch and Benjy just couldn’t restrain her. Mitch, who was the stronger and more savage of the pair, smashed his fist into her face. After that Barbara didn’t move again or make another sound. She hadn’t been knocked out, she was still clearly conscious, but the fight had completely left her. From then on she lay as still as a corpse, her face swelling up almost by the second, while Mitch and Benjy, operating like some kind of wrestling tag team, took turns with her.
I stood watching them, almost in a state of shock at what I was seeing, at what I had orchestrated. I was utterly revolted. I hated myself for what I had done and for a moment, a brief moment, I thought about putting the gun to my head and pulling the trigger. But of course that would have required an act of courage. I continued to watch Mitch and Benjy, who were now in another place. They were acting like wild starving dogs mauling their kill.
Meanwhile, Barbara had scrunched her face up so tightly she had puppy wrinkles on her nose and crows’ feet at the corners of her eyes. I didn’t know why, but at the sight of that something came over me, some last vestige of compassion I guess, and I shouted, ‘For fuck’s sake, you two. That’s enough!’
They completely ignored me. I may as well have been talking to myself. I got so angry that I moved in and clubbed Mitch round the head with the butt of the gun, sending him sprawling across the room, and then, before he could react, I put the gun to Benjy’s forehead and said, ‘You fucking deaf or what? I said enough!’
While Mitch sat rubbing his head, Benjy, who had frozen at the point of mounting Barbara, was propping himself up on his arms as if he was about to do press-ups.
‘Take it easy with that fucking thing, Si. I hear you OK? I need to stand up. I’m getting cramp in my arms.’
I allowed him to stand up then ordered him to go sit next to Mitch. He did as he was told, pouting. Once I had the two of them sitting side by side in the nude, I looked at Barbara. By now she had backed herself into a corner and was sitting with her arms covering her breasts and her knees drawn up. Her face was as swollen as a puffer fish. With her wrists still bound and fat tears streaming down her bloated cheeks, she look bewildered, pitiful and as wretched as a war orphan. I moved towards her but at my approach she recoiled and started to whine, which stopped me dead in my tracks.
‘What the fuck you waiting for?’ said Mitch. ‘Get on with it.’
I turned towards him and Benjy.
‘Well?’ said Mitch, ‘you gonna out her or what? That’s what we agreed, remember. No fucking witnesses.’
I said, ‘She ain’t stupid. She won’t talk.’ I looked at Barbara and said, ‘Will you?’
For the first time that night she held my gaze, properly held it. Something, I don’t know what, passed between us. I knelt down in front of her. She was about to start struggling but I said, ‘Shhh….’
I slid the gag down to her chin. I didn’t want to hurt her but I was also intensely aroused by her, not by the sight of her naked body, but by her vulnerability, by the helpless look in her eyes. I couldn’t help myself and kissed her full on the mouth. She never took her eyes off me but I couldn’t hold her stare and kept looking away.
‘Will you?’ I asked again.
She shook her head.
Mitch went crazy. He called Barbara a lying bitch and accused me of being a weak heart and insisted that if Barbara wasn’t killed then the three of us were done for. He and Benjy were in a hurry now, hauling on their clothes with the speed of people who’d been caught asleep while war raged all around them. Mitch had been right, I knew that Barbara would run to the police the first chance she got but I just didn’t care anymore, about any of it. I was worn out, drained, I wanted the nightmare to end.
I stood up and was suddenly seized by a desperate desire to leave the flat. I needed to be outside, I needed to breathe air that didn’t reek of sex and cheesy feet and evil, and so, in the middle of their rant, I trained the gun on Mitch ordered him to leave. For the first time that night he defied me.
‘What the fuck you talking about? We ain’t going nowhere.’
By now he and Benjy were fully dressed, looked almost like human beings again.
Benjy said, ‘So what’s it gonna be, Si?’
Mitch drew his blade.
We stood facing each other, a few metres apart, like gunfighters at the ready.
I wasn’t backing down.
The only way they would harm Barbara any further was over my dead body.
‘I’m warning you two, don’t test me. I mean it, you bes’ splurt before I put it on you proper.’
Mitch said, ‘You ain’t got the fucking balls Simon and you know it.’
I pointed the gun at him. ‘I don’t think Django would agree with you.’
That wiped the smirk off his face.
Benjy said, ‘Come Mitch, let’s blow this gaff.’
Mitch continued to stare at me.
Benjy had to tug his sleeve to get his attention. ‘Come on, man. Let’s dus’. We’re done here.’
He started pulling Mitch towards the door, the two of them moving backwards, keeping a wary eye on me the whole time. When they reached the door, Mitch said, ‘You’re a fucking fool, Simon,’ before he and Benjy turned and left.
Shortly afterwards I heard the front do
or slam. I went to the window to make sure they had actually gone. I got there just in time to catch a glimpse of them before they disappeared from view. At that point I heard the front door slam again and moments later I saw Barbara dash from the house, still gagged and bound at the wrists, still naked. Before she made her escape proper, she had the presence of mind to check which way Mitch and Benjy had gone. Once she had spotted them in the distance she sprinted off in the opposite direction, her heavy breasts undulating, like a streaker in the dark.
That night I wandered the streets for hours, like a vagrant, drunk with guilt and remorse. Eventually, around two in the morning, exhaustion overcame me and I took a cab to Finsbury Park, where I checked into a hotel for the night. It was a desperate measure. In those days the hotels and B&B’s in Finsbury Park were the worst kind of fleapit knocking shops, but I couldn’t risk going back to the flat share and there was no way I was going to my parents’. My body may have been worn out from all the walking but my mind was still fully awake. I lay on top of the bedcovers – they were just too stiff and old and full of I didn’t know what to actually get under them – and reflected on the night’s sickening events. Even at that early stage, as a way of dealing with the shame, I began to rationalise and make excuses. I was out of my mind on drugs. I had been seriously provoked. Mitch and Benjy were the animals, not me. I may have led them to the water, but I had no power to make them drink. And when all was said and done, had I not come to Barbara’s rescue? The fact that she was still alive was down to me. That had to count in my favour. Surely that meant I was not a monster. But it was no use. The more I tried to ease my guilt the more it weighed on me, the more it threatened to crush me. By the time the dawn light started to penetrate my cramped cell – no easy task with the amount of grime on the windows – I was so full of disgust and self-hatred I could barely breathe.
No More Heroes Page 15