She looked at him glumly. “What do you mean? What could we have done?”
“I usually carry sheathes made from animal gut, but they’re back in Britain with my harp and other possessions. And there’s another simpler method. A man can withdraw before he reaches his peak and thus avoid spilling his seed inside the woman. That’s what I should have done with you, but . . .” He smiled ruefully. “I was far too carried away to think of such things.”
“We both were. But . . . oh, my . . . I never thought . . . never even considered this.” She drew away and began to pace again.
His heart went out to her. Motherhood altered any woman’s life. But for a queen, especially one facing her current situation, it must seem overwhelming.
“I’m sorry,” he said again. “I had the knowledge to prevent this and I failed to use it.”
Her voice was anguished. “You can’t take all the blame. I know how babes are conceived. ‘Twas witless of me to not consider the possibility.”
“But you were a virgin and unused to worrying about such things. As experienced as I am, I should have known better.”
She stopped pacing and looked at him, her expression uncertain. “Do you regret it so much?”
He hesitated a moment, then caught her hand, brought it to his lips and kissed her fingers. “If I’m to have a child, you’re the woman I would wish to be its mother. I didn’t plan this, but I can’t truly regret it either.”
She nodded, her eyes a misty green. “I feel the same, but . . . oh . . .” Her expression turned anxious again.
He knew exactly what she was thinking. The idea that she was carrying his child filled him with wonder and excitement, but also, terror. He hardly knew how he was going to protect her, let alone a child. “It does complicate things,” he agreed. “Even before this happened, I worried for you. But now . . .” He gave her a weak smile. “Now I’m paralyzed with dread for you.”
Seeing the dazed expression on Bridei’s face, Dessia wanted to tell him that this changed nothing, that she could still do everything she always had. But she knew it wasn’t true. She was now responsible for another life besides her own. The idea stunned her.
Bridei pulled her into his arms. “Don’t worry. I’ll find a way to keep you safe.” His tender concern touched her, yet failed to ease her anxiety. She hadn’t felt this vulnerable and afraid since she was a child. He stroked her hair. “There’s no other solution. We’ll have to go somewhere else, at least until you have the babe.”
“Where? Ath Cliath?”
“It would be far too easy for O’Bannon to pursue us there. Nay, I think we must travel to a place where he couldn’t follow, even if he wished to do so.”
“Where are you thinking of?”
“We’ll hire a boat in Ath Cliath to take us to my father’s household in Gwynedd.”
Dessia drew away from him. “But I thought . . . you’ve always spoken so coldly of your father. Are you certain we’d be welcome there?”
The familiar haunted look darkened his features. “I may not be welcome there, but he won’t turn you away. Even if he should wish to do so, my mother wouldn’t let him.”
He took her hands in his. “You’ll be safe there, I promise. My mother is skilled in the healing arts and knows all about having babies. And no one will attack my father’s fortress, I can assure you of that.”
“But what about Cahermara? What about my people? I can’t abandon them!” As the implications of what he suggested sank in, she felt a growing anguish. She’d fought so hard, struggled for so long and come so close to realizing her dream. Now it was all crumbling before her eyes.
“There’s no reason you couldn’t come back here someday and reclaim your kingdom.”
“How long is ‘someday’? How long do you think my people will wait for me? They’ve left Cahermara and scattered to the hills. Even if I began tomorrow to try and coax them back, it would be difficult. But if I wait . . .” she hesitated. “We’re probably talking at least a year, and likely longer. By then they’ll have forgotten me.”
“I don’t believe that. They rallied behind you all those years ago, when you were still a child. Now you’re a woman grown and a proven warrior. They won’t forget you. I don’t believe that for a moment.”
Dessia looked down at her body. Except for her slightly swollen breasts, she looked no different. Her stomach was still flat. Her muscles strong. It would be months before it was obvious she was pregnant, and even longer before she grew so big and ungainly that she couldn’t fight. “Nay,” she said, “I won’t go to Gwynedd. Not yet. I still have some time to gather together my people and make a stand against O’Bannon.”
“It’s not safe. What if O’Bannon captures you and discovers you’re pregnant? He’ll kill you and our child.”
Dessia raised her chin stubbornly. “Then he mustn’t capture me. I have to succeed in this. If I don’t, I won’t want to live anyway.”
“And what of our child? Do you think you have the right to choose whether it lives or dies?”
He looked angry, which she wasn’t used to. A flare of resentment rose inside her. She faced him stubbornly. “For now, the babe is part of my body and couldn’t survive without me. That gives me the right to make decisions regarding its future.”
His eyes flashed. “It’s my child as well as yours. I won’t let you throw its life away!”
“You think that’s what I’m doing? You have so little faith in me that you’re convinced I’m doomed to failure?” As her anger and frustration increased, she suddenly felt dizzy and nauseated. She moved away from him, leaned over and began to retch.
There was nothing in her stomach to bring up. She finally straightened and wiped her mouth. Her eyes filled with tears. How could she have let this happen? She’d given in to one night of passion. Now all her dreams were shattered. She felt the tears course down her cheeks.
Bridei touched her shoulder. “You should eat something. I’ll fetch the food.”
She turned to look at him. How did he always seem to know what she needed? “Have you ever been in this situation before?” she asked.
He raised his brows. “You mean . . .” His gaze went to her belly.
She nodded.
“I’ve never gotten a woman with child before, at least not that I know of. But I have five younger brothers and sisters, and in addition to my mother, I’ve been around a number of pregnant women in my life.” He grinned. “I’ve even bedded a few.”
“You mean . . . they were carrying other man’s child, and you . . .?”
He shrugged. “Sometimes the father wasn’t around. Other times . . . well, some men are put off by the changes in a woman’s body.”
“But it doesn’t bother you?”
“Nay.”
She sighed. “I suppose that’s good. At least I know you’ll still want to bed me.”
“Aye. Indeed, when you are feeling better . . .” He let his voice trail off.
He’d never put his trews back on, and she could see he was aroused. A half dozen emotions washed over her: Desire. Need. Longing. She also felt helpless. And resentful and angry that he could make her feel like this. But her strongest emotion was contempt of herself for being so weak. If Bridei wasn’t so blindingly handsome, she would never have given in and found herself in this predicament. Despair overwhelmed her, banishing every other feeling.
Seeing the look on her face, Bridei’s arousal vanished. She blamed him. He could see it in her eyes. His dismay was replaced by anger. He wasn’t pleased about their situation either. But he’d put aside his own feelings to reassure her. To let her know he loved her and would do whatever he could to protect her and the baby. He was even willing to take her back to his homeland and face his father’s hostility and disdain in order to keep her safe. But all she could think of was that he’d robbed her of her dream.
He inhaled slowly, thinking what a lackwit he’d been. He’d broken all his own rules and let her get close to him. Let her s
teal his heart. He’d done everything he could for her, including saving her from O’Bannon. And she responded like this. By the gods . . . the expression on her face . . . . It was obvious she loathed him.
His insides seemed to grow cold. He’d wondered if bedding a queen would be different than it was with other women. Now he knew. A queen’s heart belonged to her land and her people. No matter what he did, Dessia would never love him the way he loved her.
He fought to recover his composure. It wasn’t the end of the world if she didn’t love him. It really changed nothing. He would still do whatever he could to protect her . . . and his child. Even if she were willing to throw her own life away, he wasn’t going to let her risk the life of the babe she carried.
Looking at Dessia, he felt miserable. Then he remembered the babe and set his jaw. This time he wasn’t going to run away from trouble, but face it squarely and do what needed to be done . . . no matter what it cost him.
* * *
Dessia sat on her cloak beside the lake and stared morosely at the still, glassy water. Always before she’d thought of the Forest of Mist as a place of refuge. Now it felt little different than the underground cell where O’Bannon had imprisoned her. This time, it was Bridei who stood guard. He might claim to know all about pregnant women, but his attitude toward her was infuriating. Treating her like some frail, fragile thing! She wasn’t allowed to search out berries and nuts to supplement their food supply, but had to wait for him to fetch them for her. He also insisted she eat several times a day. When that didn’t help her nausea and she went off into the trees to be sick, he insisted on coming with her. Then when she was finished being ill, he would lead her back to the bed of grass and bracken and have her lie down.
His attitude toward her was endlessly patient and considerate, and it was driving her to madness. She didn’t want him to tenderly stroke her back and wipe her brow; she wanted him to kiss her passionately and make love to her. Was he so repulsed by her condition that he no longer desired her? Or, was it something else? Beneath his solicitousness she sensed simmering anger and stubborn determination. The change in him worried her. But not as much as the change in herself. She was so tired; she wanted to sleep all the time. It drove her to madness. Instead of hiding here in the Forest of Mist, she should be rounding up her warriors so they could make a stand at Cahermara!
But Bridei would never consider such a thing, and the sad truth was that most of the time she didn’t have the energy to argue with him, let alone act upon her desire to do something to regain her lands. What was happening to her? How could the tiny babe growing inside her have changed her so much? She touched her belly thoughtfully. There was no way to tell a babe was growing there; she couldn’t even feel it yet. Bridei had explained that the quickening—when she felt the babe move—wouldn’t happen for a couple more months. That gave her some time, although it was rapidly slipping away. She needed to get started in gathering together her warriors.
Filled with sudden resolve, she got to her feet. She wasn’t going to argue with Bridei about leaving the forest. Nay, she was simply going to do it. Now, while he was away.
She found her cloak, then fetched the bridle from the branch where Bridei had hung it. The mare was grazing by the lake. Dessia approached her cautiously and was relieved when the horse allowed her to put on the bridle. She led the mare over to a fallen tree and climbed on the animal’s back. The familiar nausea assaulted her, and she wondered if she should take some food from their store. But that would take time, and she needed to get away before Bridei returned.
She shook off the weakness and rode in the opposite direction from the one Bridei had taken to go foraging for food. As she recalled, this pathway led to edge of the forest that was farthest from Cahermara. If O’Bannon were waiting for her, he would likely be on the other side of the woodland.
Despite this, she knew a growing dread as she guided the horse along the pathway. Once she left the protection of the forest, she would be very vulnerable. She didn’t even have a dagger or eating knife to defend herself.
As she rode along, she debated what she should do first. Return to Cahermara and try to find a weapon? Or set off for Comlyn's farm? He lived fairly close to the northern edge of the Forest of Mist, and he’d always been one of her staunchest supporters. He would help her, she knew it. And it would be safer to go to him than back to the hillfort, where she might encounter O’Bannon and his men.
Having made up her mind, Dessia urged the horse faster. As she rode along, she thought about what she would say if she encountered Bridei. She would tell him she’d grown restless. Or, perhaps explain that she trying to get used to riding so it wouldn’t be so difficult for her when they set out for Ath Cliath.
At the thought, she set her jaw. She wasn’t going to Ath Cliath; she was staying here, where she belonged.
* * *
Dessia drew the mare to halt and looked around, puzzled. Could she have taken the wrong path? The Forest of Mist wasn’t that big; by now she should be clear of the trees. What was happening? It almost seemed as if the forest didn’t want her to leave.
Frustrated, she turned the horse and started back the way she’d come. In no time at all, she found herself at the lake. Nay, she thought, I won’t give up. Clucking her tongue, she guided the horse in the other direction.
* * *
Bridei hurried down the forest pathway, worrying that he’d been away from Dessia too long. He couldn’t explain what he feared would happen to her. But ever since he’d found out she carried his child, he’d spent most of his time sick with worry.
Finally, he reached the lake and saw Dessia crouched down by the water, gazing into it intently. “What do you see?” he asked as he drew near. When she didn’t look up or answer him, he said, “Dessia?”
She got to her feet, her mouth set in a grim line. “Nothing. I saw nothing. I’ve been staring at the water for what seems like hours and no vision appeared.” She made an angry gesture. “You look. This place seems to favor you.”
Bridei approached the water and crouched down. As he stared into the dark depths, his muscles tightened with dread. Although he wasn’t much concerned about his own future, he didn’t think he would be able to bear it if he saw a vision suggesting something was going to happen to Dessia or the babe.
He looked and looked, straining until his eyes watered. Nothing happened. Not even a ripple disturbed the mirror-like surface of the lake. He stood up, uncertain whether he felt relief or distress. It was probably best if he didn’t know the future. But doubts still gnawed at him. Was he doing the right thing in taking Dessia away from here?
“What did you see?” Dessia asked impatiently.
He turned to look at her. What if he told her he’d had a vision of O’Bannon and his men taking control Cahermara? Would she finally give up this foolish plan of hers? Nay, he couldn’t lie. Doing such a thing might anger the Goddess. And without the Great Queen Rhiannon’s aid, he felt certain he’d never get Dessia to safety.
“It was the same as for you. I saw nothing.”
The magic hadn’t worked for him either, Dessia thought with relief. She’d been very afraid the lake would reveal something to Bridei, after denying her. Then she would feel even more miserable. As it was, she felt utterly despairing. She’d had the perfect opportunity to get away and start gathering together her warriors, but the forest had refused to let her leave. Every path she took seemed to go in circles. She’d tried three different routes and always ended up back at the lake. But she wasn’t going to give up. The next day, when Bridei went looking for food, she would try again.
She suddenly realized Bridei was loaded down with bundles. “Where did you get those things?” she asked.
“Cahermara.”
She was startled. “You went to back to Cahermara? I thought you said it wasn’t safe to leave the forest.”
He put down his bundles. From one of the smaller ones, he drew out a bannock and handed it to her. Her mouth water
ed as she inhaled the delicious scent. The wheatcake was freshly made. “From Doona?” she asked.
“Aye.” His voice changed, becoming gentle. “I thought we needed some supplies. We must leave for Ath Cliath. Now, while O’Bannon isn’t around.”
Nay! Dessia wanted to shout. I’m not going! I won’t forsake my duty here! But in her heart, she knew she had no choice. She looked away from him, trying to hide her resentment. If only she hadn’t given in and made love with him. Yet, it wasn’t fair to blame him. She’d been as out of control as he was. Tears filled her eyes. Why couldn’t she be a normal woman and give into her desires without losing everything?
Shaking off the mood, she asked, “When will we leave?”
“As soon as you’ve eaten.”
She nodded glumly and took a bite of the bannock.
Chapter 23
Bridei glanced at Dessia riding beside him and wondered if it would be like this all the way to Ath Cliath. If they would ride along silently, as distant from each other as if one of them was on the other side of the Irish Sea. The bitterness rose up inside him, reminding him that he’d finally fallen in love, but it was with a woman who would never love him back. It didn’t matter, he told himself. What was done was done and he must see it through. He would get to Dessia to safety, even if it cost him every shred of her regard.
* * *
She couldn’t bear this, Dessia thought with a stab of anguish as they rode along. It was bad enough that she was leaving behind everything she’d worked so hard for. But to feel Bridei’s anger, his coldness, was equally wrenching. She knew she’d hurt him. He felt she cared more for her kingdom and her goals than she did for him and their babe. But it wasn’t true. If it were, she’d have found a way to stay at Cahermara.
She knew she must heed the clear message the forest had given her. She was meant to stay with Bridei. Her destiny was with him. But, oh, it was horrible to leave her home. She felt as if her heart had been torn out. How was she to endure it?
The Dragon Bard (Dragon of the Island) Page 29