“Nice choice,” Jamie said. “Although it’s funny how few people think of movie screens nowadays.” He lowered his voice and added, “Nikki still uses a black and white television. Kind of quirky.”
“I like retro, nub,” Nikki said, without turning around.
Nikki’s voice startled me but Jamie just said, “So you do.” He turned his attention back to me. “Whenever you’re ready.”
Whether I was ready or not, I couldn’t say. I stared at the blank monitor waiting for something to happen.
“Oh, right,” Jamie said. “Try to imagine seeing something you need to know about your, well, past life. Sorry, I realize that takes some getting used to.”
He couldn’t have been more right about getting used to that idea. At the same time, I was still partly convinced this whole deal was some sort of prolonged dream or hallucination. “Like maybe who ripped off my purple hoodie? That’s been bugging me all year.”
Jamie considered for a moment. “I guess you could, although right now you might want to focus on, um, more important stuff. Maybe let the screen show you what you need to see first. You can even ask it out loud.”
I waited to see if he was joking about me talking to the iMac, but Jamie’s expression remained neutral. And given what I’d experienced so far, talking to the iMac seemed as good a plan as any. So, I looked at the iMac and said, “Anything I need to know right now?” The screen came to life immediately.
I had heard before about how people supposedly experience their entire lives flashing before their eyes when they died, like some movie playing incredibly fast. That isn’t exactly what happened. I did see a bunch of scenes from my life, but they weren’t at warp speed or anything like that.
In one, I was like five. My father and I were in the driveway messing around with a radio controlled car. I kept driving it at his feet as he ran away, pretending to be scared, while I laughed my butt off. I saw one of my birthday parties where I was surrounded by friends and presents, all smiles with cake on my face. Another showed our family skiing. I was just learning but my parents kept saying things like, “You’re doing great!” and “You’re getting it!” I kept flashing this big dopey grin. Stuff like that, all these happy times with my family.
Then the scenes skipped forward to more recent events.
I’d just walked into the kitchen while my parents were making dinner. Suddenly, I was pale and skinny, almost as tall as they were. My hair hung over my face and I was dressed all in black. I looked like a totally different person.
“Hi honey,” my mother said.
My father looked up from stirring a pot. “We’re making chili. Hungry?”
I didn’t hear them because of my iPod and just kept walking. My mother looked at my father and shrugged.
My parents were playing Wii games with my brother and sister. My father called upstairs, “Henry, why don’t you come down here and join me and Mom’s team? Bethany and John are killing us.”
“No thanks,” I called back from my bedroom. Nothing more. I didn’t even explain that I was into the book I was reading. Instead, I just crossed the room and closed my door.
“What’s up with him?” my father said.
My mother and I were driving in the car. She looked over at me while I stared out the window watching houses and trees pass by.
“Everything okay?” she asked.
“Yeah, fine.”
“You’ve been kind of quiet lately.”
I still didn’t turn to face her. I snapped, “I’m just tired, okay?”
She got the message. Leave me alone. At the time, I didn’t see the hurt in her eyes.
More scenes like that followed and I realized I’d been giving off this totally depressed vibe. I don’t know, maybe I’d just needed a little space after all those years of being the little kid in the family. That was definitely part of it. I’d also been a little down at the time too, sort of on the outside socially at school. It wasn’t like there were any big conflicts going on—more that I’d just sort of gotten sick of the cliques and all that trying to fit in. So, I’d been kind of keeping to myself lately, thinking that high school would probably open some new doors. Still, I’d never intended to hurt my parents’ feelings or make them worry. But they had been worried, I could see that now. I felt like crap for doing that to them.
I looked at the screen again to see myself earlier that same day, getting ready to lie to my brother and sister. See, here’s the deal—I wasn’t supposed to go to the river alone. That was against the rules for me, even though Bethany and John could if they wanted to. But John was sixteen and Bethany seventeen, while I was still only fourteen, so I guess my parents thought that was fair. Looking back, I realize my parents were right to worry. Bad things do happen. And lightning can strike the same place twice. In a way, that was exactly what happened. Two big bolts of lightning, both of them striking my family. But at the time I thought my death was all they would have to deal with.
The screen showed John and Bethany, both in the kitchen where I’d last seen them. He was making a sandwich and she was sitting at the kitchen table with her laptop, online pretty much like always.
“I’m just going to go ride my bike for a while,” I said.
“Not too far,” John said. “You know the deal.” His eyes showed that he was laughing at my situation. At sixteen, he’d finally crossed the milestone for personal freedom in my family. I still had more than a year to go.
Usually, I’d get pissed off, but I didn’t take the bait. “Sure, I’ll stay in the neighborhood,” I said.
Bethany stopped typing long enough to shoot me a sympathetic look. “Sorry, Henry, but you know.”
Sadly, that was the rule my parents had set for me if I was by myself. My fifteenth birthday was just three months away. In another year, I’d be driving. But I still couldn’t leave the neighborhood alone on my bike? I’m guessing you can see the disconnect in logic here. But if they weren’t going to change the rules, then it was time for me to start making my own.
“No, it’s cool,” I said. “Is that Will you’re chatting with? You know the rule.” Kind of a crappy thing to say, considering Bethany had at least signaled that she got my situation, but I was feeling once again caught in the spotlight reserved for the youngest sibling.
Bethany sighed, then tried to smile. “Not so much a rule. More a concern. So maybe get lost?”
“That’s the plan,” I said. “Maybe I’ll stay lost.”
I had no way of knowing those were the last words I’d say to her while I was alive.
Next, I watched myself ride my bike out of the neighborhood after promising to do just the opposite. I saw myself walk toward the river, past all the older teenagers hanging out. But the screen didn’t show how I’d felt at that moment. The thing is, once I was there I’d suddenly realized I was still basically a middle school kid trespassing in a total high school scene. All around me were these packs of kids who totally knew each other. They were all talking and laughing and shouting back and forth, the guys checking out the girls and the girls checking out the guys. Then there was me, someone’s little brother who’d escaped and was suddenly wandering in their midst.
I guess I could have turned around and gotten on my bike again. I should have, obviously, but I felt totally self-conscious. So, I kept trudging along. I didn’t notice that no one else was swimming. The rapids were really strong that day but I didn’t notice that either. At one point, a guy even yelled, “Hey, probably not a good idea!”
Everyone who knows the river understands that the rapids change from day to day. Sometimes they can get really dangerous. All kinds of elements come into play. Like how hard it might have rained lately, since that raises the water level. Rocks that are visible one day can disappear beneath the surface the next. You never really knew, there might even be tree limbs rushing past after a storm. I don’t know why I pretended that guy wasn’t calling out to me. Obviously, he was since no one else was in the water. Still, I jus
t marched right into the river.
As ridiculous as this sounds now (considering that I died) when I lost my balance and the rapids grabbed me, I tried not to look like I was freaking out. I told myself everything would be fine. It wasn’t until a few minutes later, when my foot got stuck between those rocks and the current started pulling me under, that I panicked. But by then I‘d been swept far enough downriver that I guess no one could see me.
Either way, you couldn’t tell from watching the screen that I’d been thinking about turning back before entering the water. The screen also didn’t show the moment when my foot slipped on moss and I’d gotten stuck between those rocks, or how I’d struggled below the surface of the water. None of it. For some reason, all it showed was what people would have seen if they’d been watching me at the moment when I walked straight out into the rapids. To see my death from this different perspective changed everything. It seemed so—I couldn’t think of any other word for it—deliberate.
“Crap,” I said. “That does look really weird. Kind of like I…”
“Did it on purpose?” Jamie stared at me, his head cocked. “I have to say, you’re handling this really well. Bravo for staying mellow, dude. Most people kind of spaz when they see themselves commit suicide. I mean, it’s kind of hard to watch yourself make like the biggest mistake of all time.”
I lowered my voice so Nikki wouldn’t hear. I didn’t need any more comments from her. “Okay, I know I kind of said this already, but I didn’t kill myself. That was a total accident.”
Jamie thought for a moment, then said, “Wow, could have fooled me. I mean, what kind of idiot would walk right out into the rapids like that? Oh, sorry.”
I felt my face turning red. “Yeah, I get it. Would it be safe to guess I can’t fix things now?”
Jamie shot me an apologetic look. “That would be a safe guess. Sorry.”
“I kind of had that feeling.” I completely surprised myself by yawning.
Part of me was starting to accept that maybe this wasn’t a dream, that I really had died that day. I also knew that I should be totally stressed and confused. But suddenly I just felt completely exhausted.
“You’re kind of checking out,” Jamie said.
I nodded, yawning again. “It seems weird, but yeah.”
“Not weird at all. Transitioning is huge. Why not grab that hammock and take a break? For however long you need. Don’t worry about it.”
All things considered, it probably shouldn’t have surprised me to realize we were no longer sitting in the tree. When that had happened, I couldn’t say, since I’d been staring at the screen watching scenes from my life (and death). But there we were at the base of the tree now, sitting in camping chairs. Sure enough, someone had strung up a hammock that looked exactly like the one we had at home. When I looked back again, I saw that the floating iMac was now gone.
“So, you guys sleep out here?” I said. “In the woods?”
Jamie glanced up at the towering tree above. “Don’t worry about this whole forest deal. Not right now. Just go ahead and crawl in, then imagine yourself being wherever you’d like.”
It wasn’t like I had any other options that I could see. I was also having a hard time keeping my eyes open. So, I walked toward the hammock.
“Get some rest,” Jamie said. “It’s all good.”
I stretched out, looking back one more time to where Jamie still sat in his camping chair. Then I closed my eyes and let myself fade, imagining myself going to bed at home. It seemed at least worth a try. And I could have sworn, as soon as I thought about it, that I felt myself back in my own bed again. I didn’t open my eyes to see if I might be wrong.
~~~
As it turned out, I did sleep in a bed that first night, in a room in a house. But it wasn’t my bed and it wasn’t my house. One of the Rules, I later learned, was that it wasn’t allowed. You could be comfortable in any way you imagined but you couldn’t be back in your old life. That was over. You could have soft music, or even loud music. You could watch TV or stay up and read. You could have all the snacks you wanted (it wasn’t like you were going to gain weight). You could even have the sound of other people talking quietly downstairs. But they couldn’t be your people, just people that sounded kind of like your people.
Wouldn’t you think I’d have had bad dreams about drowning and getting shoved out of giant trees? I would have thought so too, but the only dream I remember from that first night was the one about Bethany.
In the dream, Bethany was running through a field, her eyes wide with fear. She kept looking over her shoulder like something was chasing her. Wherever she was, it was either early morning or sunset, the sunlight flickering through trees on the horizon. Bethany was breathing hard, gasping and struggling to keep going. Then I heard the sound of someone’s feet pounding the earth behind her. Getting closer. I couldn’t see who it was.
“Bethany!” I called out.
She didn’t hear me.
“Bethany, stop!”
Bethany kept running.
I shouted her name again and finally she stopped. She turned in my direction. “Henry?”
But it wasn’t Bethany’s voice. I opened my eyes to find that I was still alone in my imagined bedroom.
“Henry, you should probably wake up now.” It was the same girl I’d heard the day before, although I couldn’t tell where her voice was coming from. “I’m Naomi, by the way. We’ll meet shortly. When you feel ready, please step outside.”
I was definitely curious to meet someone other than Jamie and Nikki, to put faces to the other voices I’d heard. At the same time, I couldn’t shake off that dream.
“Did I mention there’s a meeting?” Naomi said. “It’s about you.”
What could I do with that but get out of bed? As soon as I did, the bed disappeared. So did the house. I stood outside under the same gray sky, but at least I wasn’t back up in the tree again. It was drizzling rain, more a foggy mist than anything I felt against my skin. I looked around and into the surrounding forest. It seemed like I was totally alone.
“Ready?”
I looked in the direction of Naomi’s voice and saw a giant yellow butterfly fluttering nearby.
“Sure, I guess.” It made as much sense as anything to talk to the butterfly. The butterfly dipped in its flight, as if nodding. Then it flitted off, leaving me alone again for a moment.
Jamie appeared first from out of the mist. “Just guessing you might be feeling kind of disoriented. True?”
“Well, yeah. My house just disappeared, and it wasn’t even my house.”
Jamie laughed. “That kind of thing can get to you at first. Sleep okay?”
I tried not to think about the dream, the terror in Bethany’s eyes as she’d tried to outrun whoever had been chasing her. I told myself that it was just a dream, nothing more. “Not bad, all things considered,” I said.
“Okay, then here we go.”
One by one, the others appeared, as if the vapor in the air collected to form people. Nikki appeared next to Jamie, dressed the same as yesterday but wearing ballet slippers instead of roller skates. Just behind Nikki stood a lanky girl with blonde hair. She wore a plaid yellow dress and knee socks, something I’d only seen in old movies or TV shows about the 1950s. She looked to be around ten, maybe a little older.
Somehow I just knew. “Naomi?”
The girl smiled. “Hello.”
Next to her stood a kid who looked about fifteen or sixteen. He wore a black leather jacket and jeans rolled up at the cuffs over muddy boots. His hair was combed back and held in place with some sort of gel.
“Are you Simon?”
Simon nodded. “Hey, mate. Don’t suppose you’ve got a fag on you?”
I had no idea what he meant by that. I looked to Jamie, thinking I must have heard wrong.
“English slang for cigarette,” Jamie said, “from the sixties. As you might have already guessed, Simon’s a bit of a twit. English slang for idiot.”
Simon raised his hands in confusion. “What?”
“Dude, he drowned. Don’t you think any cigarettes would have gotten wet? Also, why would it matter? You don’t smoke, but if you did you could imagine your own.”
“Just asking. Kind of an icebreaker sort of thing where I was from.”
“Okay, sure. I guess it must have been the thing to do,” Jamie said, but he wasn’t looking at Simon anymore.
Behind the other four, someone else had just appeared. A tall guy with long red hair who remained standing back in the fog. His narrowed green eyes met mine, cold and hard, until I looked back at Jamie.
“And that’s Curtis,” Jamie said. “Curtis, this is Henry. New arrival.”
Curtis didn’t say anything. He just kept staring at me.
“What’s up with him,” I whispered.
Jamie winced. I had no idea why since I didn’t yet know the Rules. For example, whispering at a meeting had no effect since everyone there had the right to hear what was being said.
“Tell him what’s up with me,” Curtis said.
Jamie sighed. “Not now, okay, Curtis? He just got here.”
“I realize that. Hence this delightful meeting. But I showed up, so I can go now. That’s the Rule.”
“Fair enough,” Jamie said. “You did what you had to. Nothing more, as usual.”
Curtis smirked scornfully. “We do what’s required. The rest doesn’t matter, obviously. One of these days, years or decades you’ll figure that out.”
“Or maybe you’re wrong,” Jamie said. “Thanks for coming.”
“Whatever.” Curtis turned and started walking. He spoke over his shoulder. “Tell the River Rat he got at least one thing right. The rain that came with him. Suits this place.”
The fog swirled in around Curtis and he disappeared.
An uncomfortable silence followed and we stood there shuffling our feet. I got the feeling Curtis was always tough to be around. So, I figured I might as well jump-start things by asking a question.
“What did he mean by me bringing the rain with me?”
“Not to mention the fog,” Naomi said. “Which, I have to say, does interfere a little with my butterflying. But that’s okay, I don’t really mind for a while if it’s something you need.”
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