by Nora Roberts
"No. Didn't it bother you, being stared at, drooled over?"
"Not especially." She look a slow, deliberate swallow of beer.
"So you enjoyed it." He was prodding, very much as he would prod a witness who'd been sworn in. "Enjoyed the dancing, the staring, the drooling."
"It paid the rent. Men liked to look at my body, and I figured they could pay for it."
"And if they'd pay to look, they'd pay to—" He broke off, staggered by what had nearly come out of his mouth. He'd had no idea it was in there.
She didn't so much as flinch. This time, it wasn't unexpected. "Now that you brought it up—" her shoulders moved in a lazy, careless shrug "—I thought about it. There was a time that that was all I had to bargain with, so I thought about selling myself."
The horrified apology that was on the tip of his tongue dried up. "And did you?"
She stared at him, her eyes cool and blank. "I'm going up to say good-night to my son." Her eyes went from cool to ballistic when Jared snagged her arm. "Don't mess with me, MacKade. Stay or go, it's up to you, but don't mess with me."
She jerked free and strode quickly up the stairs.
He wanted to break something. Preferably something sharp that he could stab himself with afterward. Instead, he ripped open the box of aspirin, fought off the lid, then downed three with what was left of her beer.
Upstairs, Savannah settled Bryan in for the night. When she'd closed his door, she locked herself in the bathroom, where she could bathe her hot face over and over again with frigid water.
How stupid she'd been, she thought, berating herself. How blind, not to have seen what he was holding back. How careless, not to have built a defense against what he thought of her, underneath it all.
She would build one now, she promised herself. She would not allow herself to be hurt by the questions he asked, or the ones that were in his eyes. She would not, she swore she would not, allow him to make her feel ashamed of the answers.
She had fought too long and too hard to let anyone make her feel less than what she was.
But, though she tried, she couldn't find that place inside herself, that quiet, untroubled place where she could escape.
It seemed he could follow her there.
Methodically she dried her face and tidied the sink. All the while, she listened for the sound of his car leaving. But there was nothing but the crack of lightning, the mumble of thunder, and the mutters of old ghosts.
He was at the kitchen table when she came back down, his papers spread out. He slipped his glasses off when she hesitated, but she turned her back on him and walked outside to wait for the storm.
It came slowly from the west, and built. Like temper simmering. The wind kicked up and sent the trees waving. The roar of it—rain, wind, thunder—rolled over the hills, screamed through the woods and exploded.
There was a smell of ozone in the air. A magic smell. A violent smell. Savannah threw her head back and drew it in. When the wind lashed the rain under the shelter of the porch to slap at her face, she stayed where she was. When lightning flashed so close it seemed to singe the trees, she welcomed it.
At length, Jared put his work aside and walked out to her. She was drenched, hair dripping, shirt clinging. The air was cool, but she wasn't shivering. Finally she turned, leaned back against the post and crossed her bare feet at the ankles.
"Something else on your mind?"
He'd taken off his tie and rolled up his sleeves, but he was feeling very much like a lawyer. "The question was crudely put," he began, despising the measured tone of his own voice. "I apologize for that. But not for wanting an answer. I'm asking you if you prostituted."
"That's what's called rephrasing the question. Right, Counselor?"
"I have a right to know."
"Why?"
"Damn it, I'm sleeping with you. I'm all but living with you."
As her stomach clutched and twisted, she angled her head. "Have I charged you anything, Ace?" Her eyes flashed a warning as he stepped toward her. "Don't put your hands on me now. You've got a nerve, MacKade, waltzing in here like it all belonged to you, tossing my past up in my face like you were part of it. Well, it doesn't all belong to you, and you weren't a part of it."
He stepped closer, until he was toe-to-toe with her. The storm flashed and burned in him, around him. "Yes or no."
When she started to shove him aside, he pressed her back, grabbed her chin in his hand. She bared her teeth, and her eyes shot daggers at him.
"You think I want to know? I have to know, and I'm prepared to deal with whatever the answer is. Because I'm in love with you.'' He jerked her chin higher. "I'm in love with you, Savannah."
Her eyes filled, overflowed so quickly his fingers went numb from the shock. She reared back and shoved him with all her strength. "This is how you tell me?" she shouted. "Were you a whore, Savannah, I love you? Well, go to hell, Jared. I won't have you cheapening what I feel for you. I hate that you'd make me feel cheap when I hear it, when I tell you what I wasn't sure you wanted to hear from me. I love you so much I'd settle for anything you gave me. Even this."
"Don't." He had to stop himself from springing forward when she reached for the door. He couldn't touch her now, knew he didn't deserve to. "Please don't walk away. You're right. You're exactly right."
She stared through the screen at the home she'd fought all of her life to make. She closed her eyes and thought of the man behind her, a man she'd never have believed she could have.
Suddenly she was exhausted, beaten by her own heart. "I never sold myself," she said quietly, in a voice carefully picked free of emotion. "Not even when I had to go hungry. I could have, there were plenty of opportunities, and plenty of people who assumed I did. But I didn't. I didn't make the choice for myself. I made it for Bryan, because he didn't deserve a mother who would sell herself for food or a night's rent."
She drew in a deep breath before she turned. "Does that satisfy you, Jared?"
He would have taken it all back if he could. Yet he knew that if it hadn't come out, it would have festered and poisoned everything they had. Just as he knew that there was still more that had to be said, had to be asked. But not tonight.
"Can you understand that I hate knowing you had to make the choice? That you were alone, and in trouble?"
"I can't change anything about the last ten years, and I wouldn't."
He stepped toward her slowly, testing. "Can you understand that I love you? That I've just come to realize I've never loved a woman before, and this terrible need I have for you is making me crazy?" He lifted a hand, touched just the tips of her wet hair. "Let me hold you, Savannah. Just hold you."
He took her gently, closed her in his arms and rocked. Relief coursed through him when her arms finally came up from her sides and circled him.
"I hurt you. I'm sorry. I didn't even know I could." Ashamed, he pressed his lips to her hair. "I thought it was all me. It's gotten so huge I didn't think anybody else could feel like this. Let me plead insanity."
"It doesn't matter." She thought she would have crawled inside him if she could. "It doesn't matter now."
"Let me tell you again." Gently he tipped her head back, looked into those dark, damp eyes. "I love you, Savannah. I'm so desperately in love with you." He touched his lips to hers, felt the tremor. "So helplessly in love with you. It takes my breath away every time I see you."
She couldn't speak. This was how she had once dreamed he would look at her, with violent love in his eyes. These were words she'd refused to let herself dream of hearing. She threw her arms around his neck and clung for her life.
"You're trembling," he murmured. "You're cold."
"No. No. Oh, I love you. I don't know how else to say it."
"That'll do. Storm's passing." He could hear the thunder rolling away. "We're going to have a good farmer's rain. A soaker. The kind that means something." He hooked an arm under her knees, lifted her. "I want to make love with you and listen to the rain."<
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He was so gentle, it seared her heart. Kissing her cheek, her throat, as he carried her to the room they shared. When the door was closed, he walked through the shadows and laid her down.
She heard the hiss of a match, then candlelight flickered. He peeled off her damp clothes, stroked his hand over her skin. And suddenly she felt fragile and nervous.
She knelt on the bed to unbutton his shirt, and her fingers were clumsy. He took them, pressed them one by one to his lips.
There was the smell of rain and wet earth, the whisper of thunder moving off, the give of the mattress beneath her.
Then there was only him. Murmurs and sighs drifted through the sound of pattering rain. He was so tender with her, so gentle, her body seemed to flow through his hands like fragrant heated wax. Each time their lips met, it was deeper and truer. Each time their bodies pressed, it was softer and wanner.
A brush of fingertips, the trail of quiet kisses, and flesh quivered. Dazed with love, they watched each other, listened to the quickening rhythm of hearts.
He slid into her silkily, his sigh merging with hers, his body rising and falling with hers. His lips meeting hers.
He felt her crest sweep through him, a long, slow, undulating wave that carried him off in its wake.
Chapter Nine
Bryan loved spending time on the farm. The animals, the men, the open air. He still remembered the confusion and confinement of cities—the places where they had moved and lived in small rooms where the windows always seemed to pulse with noise and the walls were so thin you could hear every laugh or curse from the people next door.
He hadn't minded the city, really. There had always been something to do, somewhere to go. And his mother had taken him to parks and playgrounds— whenever she wasn't working.
He had vague memories of times when she had worked late into the night, or late into the morning. Times when she'd been tired a lot, and sad, too. Though he hadn't really understood why.
He remembered New Orleans, with the pulsing music and the slow-talking people. He remembered his mother had kept a pot of red flowers on the windowsill.
Sometimes he'd sat at his mother's feet, playing cars or reading picture books while she painted things, painted people who'd come by to sit in a little folding chair while she sketched their faces on big sheets of paper with charcoal or colored chalk.
That was when things had changed. Things had gotten better. She'd stopped working at night, and that sad, tired look had left her eyes.
Now, this was best of all. Having a house, the way she'd always promised. Having a yard and friends who could stay your friends because you were staying, too. Friends like Connor. Who was definitely cool, even though some of the kids at school teased him and said rotten things about his old man.
Maybe, Bryan sometimes thought, it was because they didn't know what it was like to have no father at all. The way he did.
But Mom was enough. She always made things work out, always made sure they were a team. As moms went, he figured, she was the coolest.
Like the way she'd asked him if he wanted to live in the cabin in the woods. She hadn't just told him they would live there, the way he knew some parents did things. Then, when they had the cabin—which was in his opinion the best place in the whole world—she'd let him pick out the stuff for his room. The neat bunk beds, the posters for the walls, the big wood chest for his toys.
Now he got to visit the farm whenever he wanted. Mostly.
Shane was great. He never minded if Bryan wanted to hang out and ask question about things. Devin was okay, too, even if he was the sheriff. He liked Rafe, and the way Rafe would sometimes plunk himself down and wrestle with the dogs.
Jared was kind of scary, because he made Bryan think about how it would be to have him around all the time. Like a father. A guy to play ball with. A man who came home after work every day and listened to what you wanted to say. A man who kissed your mother in the kitchen like it was no big deal.
He wanted Jared most of all, and because he did, Bryan wished for him hard, every night. Somehow, whatever he wished for hard almost always came true.
On the farm, the sun was bright, warming ground that was damp from the night's rain. The early-morning fog had burned off and left the air clear and moist. He was happy sitting on the dirt with the dogs and Connor, with the sound of adult voices never far off. They were going to have Sunday dinner at the MacKades'.
The men were cooking, which Bryan thought was a little weird, but interesting.
"Do you think Fred and Ethel'll have babies?"
Connor continued to stroke the golden fur of the dog nearest him as he considered the question. "They probably will. That's what happens when people are married. It's the same for dogs, I guess."
Bryan gave a snort and delivered a punch to Connor's shoulder. "People don't have to be married to have a kid. They just have to be stuck on each other."
If anyone else had made the comment, Connor would have flushed. But because it was Bryan, he only nodded wisely. "Then Fred and Ethel can have pups, because they're stuck on each other."
Bryan looked toward the farmhouse. Through the kitchen window came the sound of mixed laughter. "I think Jared's stuck on my mom."
Connor's pale gray eyes went wide. "Are they having a baby?"
"No." Bryan hooked an arm around Ethel's neck. It was a possibility he'd given some thought to. "It'd be cool if they did. I mean, you like having Emma around, don't you?" "Sure."
"A brother would be neater, but even a sister would be okay. I think if there was one—you know, a baby— Jared would hang around. Like live with us."
"Sometimes it's bad," Connor said quietly. "Sometimes when a man lives with you, it's bad. They argue and fight, and they get drunk and... things."
The idea of that had Bryan's brow furrowing. "But not all of them."
"I guess not." But Connor was far from sure. "I don't want a man to live with us ever again." Connor's voice was low and fierce. "Not ever again."
Understanding, Bryan shifted his arm from Ethel's neck to Connor's. "If your father tries to come back after he gets out of jail, you'll be ready. We'll be ready," he added with a dazzling smile. "You and me, Con."
"Yeah." Connor almost wished he had a chance to prove it. "You and me."
* * *
"Looks like they're talking big talk," Savannah commented from the kitchen window.
"Connor's never really had a close friend before." Hadn't been able to, Cassie thought, with the way Joe hassled everyone who came to the house.
"Neither has Bry. They're good for each other." She grinned when the boys started wrestling each other, and the dogs. All four would be filthy, she was sure, by the time dinner was ready.
"That looks familiar." Devin stepped up behind the women, tucked his hands in the back pockets of his jeans. Savannah did her best not to stiffen. "We spent a lot of Sunday afternoons kicking up dirt."
"We spent a lot of every afternoon kicking up dirt," Rafe said.
"Remember that Sunday Mom turned the hose on us?" With a sigh, Shane popped a radish into his mouth. "Those were the days. She was so ticked because Gran and Pop were coming to dinner, and we'd gotten into a fight wearing our best clothes."
"You started it," Jared remembered. "Swiped my baseball and lost it in the cornfield."
"I borrowed your baseball," Shane told him. "And Devin lost it in the field."
"Rafe lost it," Devin said mildly. "He was supposed to catch it."
"You hit it wide. Pulled it," Rafe explained in disgust. "He could never pick his spot."
"Hell I couldn't."
Before Devin could take the argument any further, Regan held up her hands. "Time-out. I believe, with this obvious example of family solidarity, it's an excellent time to make an announcement." She smiled at Rafe. "Don't you think?"
"I think." Rafe took her hand, brought it to his lips before pulling her close. His grin was quick as lightning. "We're having a baby."
&
nbsp; There was a moment of utter silence before the explosion. There was a quick whoop from Shane, who took it upon himself to scoop Regan off her feet. She had to be kissed, Rafe had to be punched and pummeled.
"Give me my wife," Rafe demanded.
"In a minute." Shane kissed her again, heartily, then started to pass her to Rafe. Jared intercepted, gave her a quick swing. Regan was still laughing when she found herself in Devin's arms.
"Damn it, give me my woman."
As they tussled and argued over the expectant mother, Savannah leaned back against the counter. "The MacKades—the next generation," she murmured to Cassie. "Scary thought."
"She'll handle it." Cassie blinked back tears. "She can handle anything."
Because everyone else was busy, she scooted over to check on the pot roast herself.
Savannah stepped forward, leaned in to kiss Jared on the cheek. "Congratulations, Uncle Jare."
He couldn't stop grinning. "Rafe's going to be a daddy."
With one brow arched, Savannah glanced over to where Regan was still being passed from brother to brother. "And this, I take it, is the way you guys celebrate—tossing women around."
"We don't have a precedent. It's our first baby."
When he swung an arm around her shoulders, Savannah realized he'd just said it all. It would be a MacKade baby, and would belong to all of them.
It was something she thought about quite a bit as the celebration continued through dinner with constant, and often ridiculous, suggestions for child care, baby names and fatherly duties. It was odd for her to fully realize now, when she was finally settled into a home of her own, finally confident that Bryan had the best she could give him, that neither of them had ever known the fullness of family.
They had each other, and that was important. Vital. He was a happy, well-adjusted child. She could see that as he sat beside her, shoveling in food, giggling at Shane's idea of Lulubelle MacKade if the baby was a girl. There was no doubt in her heart that her son was exactly as he should be.