by Kaylee, Katy
Not that it mattered, now. I was having his baby, and I already loved the small creature growing inside of me. In my brief happy moments, I thought about what I’d name him or her. I wondered if the baby would favor Harrison, or instead inherit my auburn hair and green eyes.
It pained me to think of the child looking like both of us – like a reminder of everything I’d lost because I’d been too stupid to resist temptation. If only I’d been able to see Harrison as the man he was: kind and strong and generous, but not the kind of man who wanted a serious relationship ... especially not a serious relationship with someone twenty years his junior.
That night, I had just gotten home from my data entry temp job and taken a quick shower before changing into yoga pants and a loose shirt. I had been hoping to take a nap and heat up some instant soup before leaving to drive for Lyft. It was a Friday, and I’d found that if I played my cards right, I could usually catch groups of people on their way out for the evening. I was exhausted and I looked it, but I needed money and it wasn’t like I had a lot of options. Being a visibly pregnant Lyft driver was embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as the thought of calling my estranged foster family and asking them for money.
When I heard a knock on the door, I froze. For a moment, I panicked, thinking that it was my landlord and that somehow, rent was overdue. But then I remembered that I still had another week before I had to pay.
Great, I thought as I got up from the table and walked wearily over to the door. Someone pranking me, or one of those energy scams where they sell you light bulbs and keep your credit card information. After all, it’s not like I have any friends who would spontaneously drop by.
But when I opened the door, I didn’t see my landlord, or a scammer, or even a Mormon missionary.
It was Hollie.
My jaw dropped. “How ... how did you find me?” I gasped.
Hollie held up her iPhone, and I saw the Find My iPhone app was pulled up.
“You probably forgot that we programmed each other as emergency contacts for when we went to parties freshman year,” she said. “I’d forgotten, too.”
“I ... I don’t know what to say,” I said, my jaw still hanging open and my eyes wide. My heart was racing, and I knew that I had to invite her in, even if it meant losing out on my Lyft tips for the night ... and facing a hard conversation. Still, nervous as I was, seeing my best friend had buoyed my spirits immensely even though she’d only been here for a few seconds.
“Come in,” I said, stepping back from the door and putting a hand on my belly. Hollie followed me inside, and I flushed with embarrassment as I led her to the shabby couch that I’d found at a church yard sale.
“You want something to eat?” I asked, hoping that she’d decline.
Hollie held up a bag of something that smelled delicious. “I stopped at Portillo’s on the way,” she said, waving it under my nose. The smell of familiar food brought tears to my eyes and my stomach rumbled, despite having just finished a large bowl of instant soup.
“You’re a goddess,” I told her. Hollie was also carrying a cardboard tray with two milkshakes, and she handed one over to me as we sat down. I went into the kitchen and grabbed some paper towels, then returned and joined her on the couch.
Hollie, true to her generous form, handed me a big dipped beef sandwich with onions and peppers. I began scarfing it messily down, not caring about staining my shirt or lap. Hollie watched me eat, not asking any questions. When I was done, she passed me a carton of onion rings.
“I didn’t know what you’d want,” she said. “But I figured you’d want something to eat before we talked.”
I swallowed hard. “Thank you,” I told her. “That ... really hit the spot.”
Hollie nodded and her face grew serious and stern. “Why did you do it, Paris?”
I sighed softly.
“You left without a word,” Hollie continued. “And then a few days later, after I’d called you, you just sent a weird text saying that you were sorry and that you loved me.”
I nodded slowly, an ashamed flush creeping up the sides of my neck and my face.
“I’m really sorry,” I told her after an awkward silence had passed. I wiped my hand on a paper towel and then reached for Hollie’s. Holding her hand was comforting, and the simple human touch nearly brought tears to my eyes.
“Why?” Hollie asked. She looked so sad and confused that I felt my heart break.
“I ... I had to,” I said. “Hollie, I made so many mistakes. Mistakes that I kept secret from you because I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me. I couldn’t stand the thought of letting you down, you’re my best friend.”
Hollie shook her head. “Paris, you’re my best friend,” she echoed plaintively. “Don’t you know that I’d always support you?”
I bit my lip. “I lost my scholarship,” I admitted softly. “I didn’t do so well in one of my classes and my GPA went down and the professor wouldn’t give me extra assignments to bring my grade up. And so I had to find a job, and fast, and the only thing I figured would give me enough money to pay for classes was stripping.”
Hollie’s jaw dropped, but she didn’t say anything.
“And it just so happened that my first night, well, I saw your dad there at the strip club, because he was working on an undercover assignment.”
“Oh my god, you poor thing,” Hollie said. She pulled me into a tight hug. “You should have come to me!”
I burst into tears. Hollie hugged me, rocking me back and forth in her arms and stroking my hair like I was her daughter.
“I couldn’t,” I gasped between sobs. “I knew you had been dealing with so much since your parents split up, and I couldn’t give you any more bad news. I just felt like since I’d made so many mistakes, I had to handle everything on my own.”
Hollie pulled away and looked at me. Her face was creased with concern as our eyes met.
“I might have been disappointed, but opening a clinic and working together was our dream, not just mine,” Hollie said firmly. “If it doesn’t work for you, we’ll figure something else out.”
Her words just made me cry harder and I latched onto her again, hugging her harder than before. Soon, Hollie was crying too, and I felt a release of all the pent-up stress and anxiety that I’d been dealing with for what seemed like forever.
“I just missed having you in my life this summer,” Hollie said, pulling away and wiping her eyes on the backs of her hands. “And I thought it was my fault! I thought you were upset that I was going on so many dates and you were just working and staying at home.”
And sleeping with your dad, I thought, with a pang of guilt. I may have told Hollie some of the truth, but the biggest secret was still close to my vest.
“No,” I told her honestly. “That didn’t bother me at all, I’m just sorry that you felt guilty.”
Hollie frowned and put her hand on my belly. “I’m sorry to ask, but are you pregnant?”
I blushed, then gave a brief nod of my head. “Yeah,” I said sheepishly. “I know.”
“I can’t believe it,” Hollie said slowly. “Who’s the father? Do you have a boyfriend?”
I shook my head. “It ... well, it was a temporary thing,” I told her. “And the father isn’t in the picture. He doesn’t even know about the baby.”
Hollie’s eyes widened. “Wow,” she said. “Um, why haven’t you told him?”
I flushed hotly. “I don’t think he’d take the news well,” I said. “But I’m committed to raising the baby on my own, and always making her know that she’s loved.”
Hollie nodded fiercely. “Well, you know I’ll help whenever you need it,” she said. “No matter what happens.”
A rush of gratitude filled me and I hugged my best friend again, so relieved that we were back on speaking terms.
“You’re the best,” I told her. “Really.”
Hollie smiled at me, and it seemed that there was a touch of sadness in her eyes that hadn’t
been there before this summer.
“You’re my best friend,” Hollie said. “And you always will be, okay?”
As fresh tears filled my eyes, all I could do was nod.
25
Harrison – Friday
In my entire fucking life, I didn’t think I’d ever been this miserable. After Krista had left me, I’d thought that my life had hit rock-bottom. I’d spent so much time drinking and staying locked inside of my own head that I’d literally felt myself withdraw from the world. The only person who had kept me sane had been Hollie, and even then I hadn’t been truthful with her about the circumstances of the divorce and I could tell that she was deeply angry with me.
But now, I realized that had been nothing compared to the hellish world I lived in now without Paris. I hated myself for being such a jerk: if only I’d been honest with her about my feelings. If only I’d told the truth about how I felt about her and agreed to tell my daughter about the true nature of my relationship with Paris.
Jesus, I was a fucking idiot. I deserved this. And more than just an idiot, I was an old man. It wasn’t like some young, nubile thing like Paris was going to come into my life again ... but that wasn’t what I wanted, either. I deserved to live a life of solitude and pain and misery. Paris deserved happiness, and I hoped that she was finding it.
Goddamn, being without her was so hard. I couldn’t stand it.
My work was suffering to the point where I was actually put on a performance improvement plan. Steve was trying to cover as much of the work as he could and shoulder the load, but there was simply too much. We were nearly at the end of wrapping up the case, a time that normally filled me with satisfaction.
Now, though, I just didn’t care. The only time I felt even remotely content was when I was buried deep in an Ambien-induced slumber. I’d gotten the prescription when Krista had left at the advice of a friend, but the pills had sat unused in the medicine cabinet for years. When Paris had vanished, I’d spent many sleepless nights, sneaking into the guest room as quietly as I could and sniffing for traces of her delicious floral scent. Every time I’d closed my eyes, I’d dreamt of her pale curves, her body naked and close to mine, her mouth kissing me and telling me that she loved me and saying my name.
Then I’d remembered the Ambien, and I’d raided the medicine cabinet. The pills were thankfully still there ... and still potent. One was enough to knock me out for a solid eight hours. Eight hours of pure, deep, blissful, dreamless sleep.
Still, eight hours out of every twenty-four wasn’t enough to help me feel better. The only time I felt good was when I was on the verge of falling asleep, like Dante slipping into the abyss at the end of Canto V. When I woke up and realized that Paris’s auburn head wasn’t nestled onto the pillow beside mine, my heart broke all over again.
I was less of a man than ever before. I’d lost my heart to her, and my brain was consumed with her. I forgot to eat – Hollie had to actually cook food and then sit and watch while I picked at it, always telling me to eat more. Whenever she asked what was wrong, I made up some lame excuse.
I’m getting sick.
Oh, work is more stressful than usual.
Etc.
None of them were enough to convince her, but she didn’t ask the truth. And if she had, I wasn’t sure what I would have told her.
That night, Hollie and I were in her childhood bedroom, packing her things away. She put some of her summer clothes in large plastic storage boxes for the coming year, and sat down on the bed with a giant pile of laundry to fold.
“I’m going to miss this,” she said, wistfully looking down at the rumpled clothes. “Doing laundry at school sucks. The machines are always broken or filled with someone else’s clothing. One time, someone took my stuff out of the washer and threw it on the floor when it was still soapy.”
“You’ll be back here soon enough,” I said. “Assuming that you’re still planning to stay here for med school?”
Hollie nodded. “Probably,” she said. A frown came over her freckled face. “I don’t know, to be honest. Things are kind of up in the air right now.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. Being with my daughter was one of the only things that distracted me from Paris, and news that things weren’t going well for Hollie was genuinely painful to me.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked her.
“Nothing,” Hollie replied. Her face colored and she looked away. Like me, she was a terrible liar.
“Hollie,” I said sternly. “Just because you’re twenty-one doesn’t exactly mean that you’re an adult. I’m still responsible for you.”
My daughter sighed. She set down the shirt she was folding and sat down on the bed. “Nothing,” she repeated. “It’s just, well, school is really going to suck now that Paris isn’t coming back with me.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Are you certain about that? She could just show up, you know.”
It was true that I’d been hoping Paris would spontaneously reappear. Just show up with her bags and a tan and an apologetic smile, saying that she’d gone to visit her foster family or a friend in another state.
Maybe I was an idiot, but the hope was all that I had left.
Hollie shook her head. “No, Dad,” she said seriously. “Trust me on this. She won’t be showing up.”
I looked up from the pile of towels that I was folding into neat, compact squares and locked eyes with my daughter.
“Have you talked to her?” I asked, unable to keep the strain out of my voice. “What does that mean?”
Hollie took a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah,” she admitted. “I talked to her. Or rather, I tracked her down. I kept calling and texting and she never got back to me, and then I remembered that Find My iPhone app. Back when we were freshmen and thought that we’d be going to all these parties, we installed it on our phones and listed each other as emergency contacts. You know, so we wouldn’t lose each other or get date-raped or something.”
I stared at her. “And?”
“You’re being kind of weird about this,” Hollie said. She scrunched up her nose. “Are you pissed? That like, she ran off?”
“Kind of,” I lied.
I wasn’t pissed.
I was furious.
And knowing that Paris had talked to Hollie and not me just made me feel sick to my stomach.
“Well, anyway, I found her. She’s living up in Milwaukee,” Hollie said. Her voice dropped and she blushed. “In like, a really shitty apartment. Dad, it’s terrible.”
I swallowed hard. The idea of Paris, impoverished and alone and scared, was enough to turn my anger into fear for her well-being.
Why hadn’t she come to me?
She was obviously in trouble, again.
“Um, well, what’s she doing up there?” I asked, trying to keep my voice light and uninterested. “Visiting friends or something?”
“No,” Hollie said. She took a deep breath and pressed her lips together, dropping her gaze to her hands. I waited in agony as Hollie picked at her chipped nail polish. “Um, so, I guess she lost her scholarship. She said that she had a really tough professor who didn’t give her the chance to make some assignment, and like, her GPA dropped and then she had to get a job to pay for classes.”
“Oh,” I said as I wondered what else Paris had told Hollie.
“And um, she apparently started stripping,” Hollie said quickly. She blushed furiously and kept picking at her nails until flakes of green polish fell to the carpet. “And she said that she saw you, she said that you were working some undercover case and that you made her quit her job so then she didn’t have any more money.”
I swallowed hard and clenched my jaw.
“Maybe we could find a way to help her,” I said. “I mean, you know that I don’t have a lot. But she’s a friend of the family, and I don’t mind dipping into my savings to pay for her classes. She only has one year, right?”
Hollie looked up at me with big, innocent eyes.
; “That’s really sweet, Dad,” Hollie said. “But she’s not going back to college even if we offer to pay for her.”
“Why not?” I narrowed my eyes. “Doesn’t she still want to be a counselor?”
“She’s pregnant,” Hollie admitted. “With a baby on the way, she said that she doesn’t think it’s right for her to go back to school. At least, not right now. She said that she might try later in the future, like when her kid is starting school or something.”
The shock was almost enough to make me faint. Hollie kept talking but I only heard every fifth word as the blood began to pound in my ears. My heart raced and I gripped the bedspread so hard that my knuckles turned white.
“Did she tell you anything about the father?” I asked hoarsely.
“Paris just told me that it was a short-term thing and he’s not in the picture. She said that he doesn’t even know about the baby,” Hollie said, shaking her head. “God, I feel so bad for her. I can’t imagine how scary it must be to be dealing with all of that on her own, you know?”
I got to my feet. “Sweetie, I’m sorry, but I have a headache. I need to go lie down for a while. We can pack more tomorrow.”
Hollie said something but I didn’t even hear her as I excused myself from her room and made my way down the hall. Alone in my room, I laid down on the bed and closed my eyes. My head was spinning.
Paris was pregnant, with my child.
And she was out there, in some shitty apartment in Milwaukee, all alone.
There was no doubt in my mind that I had to go find her and bring her back.
There was no way that I was going to let her raise our child alone, without me.
I loved her, and it was time to rescue her for a third time.
26
Paris – Friday
“And like, my mom sent me a hundred bucks, so we can get table service at Riche!”