by Tricia Goyer
Her hands started to quiver like aspen leaves in the wind. She didn't know how to answer that, so she replied with the only words that came to her mind. "You better get back in there, Ben, they're waiting to hear the rest of your song."
Chapter Twenty-Three
The wedding wagon pulled up, and Marianna wanted to take a look inside. So many Amish weddings were held outdoors, a cooking wagon made it easier to prepare the two wedding meals. More than satisfying her curiosity, though, Marianna needed a distraction. After talking with Ben the other night, she hadn't been able to sleep much. His words continued to play through her mind.
"I'll keep waiting. Until you make a vow to another I'm not going to give up hope."
Marianna followed Aunt Ida inside, noting the five gas stoves, cookware, and the large coffeemaker. The wedding was tomorrow, but friends and family had already gathered to help prepare.
While the women buzzed around inside the wedding wagon, hard at work, the men gathered in the side yard. She knew Levi was with them. Custom required that the bridegroom cut off the heads of the fowl that would be cooked up for the wedding feast.
Men walked through the coops that sat alongside Naomi's parents' barn, picking out the best chickens, ducks, and turkeys. In the wedding wagon, women prepared dressing, stuffed the foul, washed dishes, and peeled potatoes. Pies covered every free bit of counter space, and some of the older children had been put to work cracking nuts. Marianna's Uncle Abe and Uncle Levin, Aunt Betsy's husband, supplied hot water from large kettles. Other menfolk emptied garbage cans and constructed tables from wide pine boards and trestles. She knew before the men journeyed home for the night all the fowl would be placed in a large outdoor baking oven.
Marianna set to work peeling potatoes in the deep metal sink, but her mind wasn't fixed on the task at hand. Instead she imagined standing in front of all her friends and family, reciting her vows before Aaron, before God. Even now her tongue felt thick as she thought about saying those words. Yet how could she not go through with it? He'd built a home for her. It was what everyone expected—
But could she do it?
Could she vow her love for one man when her heart had already given it to another?
Naomi's aunts had been cooking since yesterday, and by the time Marianna had walked across the lawn to Naomi's parents' place at 7:00 a.m., they were already there, continuing where they left off. Inside the house six tables were set up on three sides of the living room and in the kitchen. Chairs filled the rest of the space.
It had just turned 8:00 a.m. and crowds had already gathered, everyone in their places for the wedding. For as long as she could remember, Marianna had always looked forward to weddings. It was not only a great occasion for the bride and bridegroom, but for the guests—especially the young people who got to see friends and cousins they hadn't seen for a while.
This time, though, dread weighed on Marianna, as if she walked with concrete shoes. Did those attending wonder about her and Aaron's plans? How would she respond? She needed to talk to him, that she knew, but not today.
Today she needed to celebrate a love confessed and vowed.
Marianna made her way to the front row with the others in the bridal party. By nine o'clock the house was full. As those gathered sang, Levi and Naomi were led into the other room by the ministers. She looked beautiful in her light blue dress with a white apron. It looked similar to the dresses they wore every day but the lighter color of the dress made it special.
Marianna knew this was a time they were given instructions concerning the duties of marriage. What did the ministers tell them? Did they discuss the importance of faithfulness and speaking the truth? If so, how did Levi and Naomi respond? How would she respond?
After three songs were sung, Levi and Naomi returned holding hands. Marianna rose with the rest of the bridal party and moved with Levi and Naomi to the row of benches called the minister's row. Marianna kept her eyes on the preacher, refusing to look at Aaron who sat across from her.
The bishop's vigorous voice rose as he shared stories from God's Holy Word. He relayed the story of Adam and Eve and how God had created a special woman perfectly designed for Adam. He also shared the uprightness done by Noah's sons who did not intermarry with unbelievers. Marianna had heard it all, but for some reason each sentence of his stories pierced her heart.
At noon the sermon ended, and the bishop asked Levi and Naomi to come forward. After they answered a series of questions, Marianna held her breath as the bishop placed his hands over the clasped hands of Levi and Naomi.
"You have now heard the ordinance of Christian wedlock presented. Levi, are you now willing to enter wedlock together as God in the beginning ordained and commanded?"
Levi looked to his red-headed bride, and Marianna couldn't miss the intense love in her brother's eyes. Marianna couldn't see Naomi's face but she imagined the same look in her gaze.
Levi nodded. "Yes."
"Are you confident that this, our sister, is ordained of God to be your wedded wife?"
"Yes."
Then he turned to Naomi. "Are you confident that this, our bruder, is ordained of God to be your wedded husband?"
"Yes."
He looked to Levi. "Do you also promise your wedded wife, before the Lord and His church, that you will never more depart from her, but will care for her and cherish her. And if bodily sickness comes over her, or in any circumstance which a Christian husband is responsible to care for, you will do your duty as her husband until the dear God will again separate you from each other?"
"Yes."
The minister's eyes looked to Naomi. "Do you also promise your wedded husband, before the Lord and His church that you will never depart from him?"
"Yes."
The couple then clasped their right hands together and the bishop continued. "So then I may say the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob be with you and help you together and fulfill His blessing abundantly upon you, through Jesus Christ. Amen. You are husband and wife."
A smile radiated from Levi's face. Tears of joy filled Naomi's eyes.
With the wedding complete, the events of the day were just starting. Marianna worked alongside the others as they transformed the room for serving lunch. And then they fed the crowd family-style in three shifts.
She smiled and chatted with the others as the dishes were cleared, washed, and reset. Then as the high summer sun dipped lower on the horizon she joined the others as they sang their traditional wedding hymns and songs. As they sang, snacks were passed around. There was still the Amish wedding dinner to go, followed by the songs of the vorsingers.
And when the time finally came, Marianna listened to the words more closely than she ever had before.
We alone, a little flock,
The few who still remain,
Are exiles wandering through the land
In sorrow and in pain . . .
We wander in the forests dark,
With dogs upon our track;
And like the captive, silent lamb
Men bring us, prisoners, back . . .
Marianna understood this pain far too well.
When they continued the next song, she couldn't help the tears that filled her eyes. She wiped them away and raised her voice above the others—as if that would make everything better.
Listen to me, all peoples of the earth.
Listen to me, young and old, great and small.
If you want to be saved, you need to leave sin,
follow Christ the Lord, and live according to His will.
Christ Jesus came to the earth to teach men the right way to go,
to teach them to turn from sin and to follow Him.
He said: "I am the way the truth and the life,
no one comes to the father except through me."
He who longs for Gemeinschaft with Christ
and who wants to take part in His kingdom,
needs to do what Christ did while he was on the ea
rth.
He who wants to reign with Christ must first be willing to suffer for His name.
And in singing those words, she knew. That was where the problem lay. She was willing to suffer for Christ—to turn her back on all Englisch ways—if that was what He asked. The problem was . . .
She didn't know.
Was that what God was asking of her? As much as she wanted to answer yes, she couldn't. Because deep down, she had a feeling . . .
She should not dismiss Ben—not just yet.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Ben sat in the room that used to be Marianna's and from his perch in her window took in the long line of buggies parked on the road. He'd been invited to the wedding, but he knew they'd only done so to be kind. Abe and Ruth seemed relieved when he said he'd rather just stay home.
He wanted to be there for Levi—to get to know him better—but Ben knew with an Englischer there most of the Amish would be more focused on him than the ceremony. Besides, he didn't know how his heart would take hearing two people reciting vows to each other when the woman he loved was on the arm of another.
"What am I doing here?" he whispered into the empty room. "God, why can't You just release me? Why can't You take away this love that I have for her? I'd rather be empty of love than heartbroken. There has to be another way . . ."
Footsteps sounded behind him, and Ben turned. A young woman stood there wearing Amish dress. She looked to be Marianna's age, but she had a hardness about her. There was a knowing in her eyes, too, that told him she was all too familiar with the ways of the world.
"Sorry to interrupt." She attempted a smile but it paused halfway up. "I know you don't know me, but I've been a friend of Marianna's for a long time—for as long as I can remember. I'm Rebecca, and there are some things I need to talk to you about."
He stood and faced her. Whatever this girl had to say he wasn't going to take it sitting down.
"She's talked about you a little, not much, but things like this don't need words."
"Things like what?"
"Love." She remained in the doorway, expression somber.
A chuckle burst from Ben's lips. "I'm sorry . . . I think you have the wrong person. Marianna's engaged to someone else."
"Ja, that's true." The young woman removed her kapp and shook out her hair. She then bent down and pulled a pair of jeans and a t-shirt out of her satchel. "Can you hang on a minute, I need to go change out of these clothes."
Ben's mouth dropped, and he studied her face. "Did you say you're Marianna's Amish friend?"
"Ja, I was raised Amish, but I'm still in my rumspringa." She untied her apron and pulled it off. "I know it's silly but this is a busy tourist season at the cafe and I make better tips when I wear my Amish clothes. So can you hold on just a minute?"
He was in Marianna's house, which is the only place he was welcome around these parts. It's not like he had anywhere to go. "Uh, sure."
He walked outside and sat in one of the wicker chairs on the front porch. The sun was bright and a variety of flowers bloomed around the property, but even they couldn't lift his mood. He considered leaving before Marianna's friend came out. Maybe he should head down to the creek to toss rocks in the water. He didn't need Rebecca to tell him that Marianna loved him. He saw it the moment their eyes met. Her face had been full of joy, when she first saw him in Indiana. And if her parents hadn't been there he was sure she would have rushed into his arms.
But what did that matter? Marianna had made her choice. She was here, wasn't she? She was still engaged to Aaron. He didn't need to go to her and try to win her heart. He could do nothing as long as she ran from the truth—the truth of his love, the truth of God's freedom.
Three minutes later Rebecca exited the door. She pointed to the chair next to him. "Can I sit there? I promise I won't bite."
He rubbed his hands down the front of his jeans. "Uh, sure."
Rebecca picked a pansy from one of the window boxes and twirled it in her fingers. "It's silly, you know, you being here, loading up furniture like your muscles are your greatest asset. No offense or anything, but I heard that you were supposed to be in Los Angles right now, recording."
"Yes, well, I just thought I'd do a friend a favor."
"And . . ."
"And, what?"
"And to see Marianna."
"Yes . . ." He smiled. "It's true."
"Well, there's only one way to win her heart."
"And what is that?"
"You have to express how you feel."
He shook his head. "I tried to talk to her the other night."
"That's your problem, Ben. You tried using words. You need to express yourself the way you know best. Through song."
Ben cocked his eyebrow. "You want me to write a song that Marianna's Amish tradition doesn't even allow her to listen to?"
"She'll listen. You should have seen the joy on her face when she heard your Good Wife song. You're talented. I have a feeling this is just the beginning for you."
He looked away and shook his head. "Well, that beginning is going to end before it starts. I've decided I don't want that type of lifestyle—one on the road. I can't live that way."
"Who says you have to travel and sing? One of my customers a while back said that he was a songwriter. He wrote songs for others to record."
Ben glanced back over at this woman who seemed just as uncomfortable in her jeans and T-shirt as she did in her Amish clothes. She didn't seem to fit in either world. Yet as she spoke, something stirred inside. Something that told him to stop and listen to the words of this unlikely advisor.
He crossed his arms over his chest. The idea of still using his music without having to travel both excited him and scared him. What would Roy say? Would people be interested in his songs? Would he be able to write from Montana—to stay there and build a home there for . . .
"Still, not traveling doesn't solve everything. Even if I wrote the perfect song, Marianna still might choose him."
"Sure, she might, but don't you want to try? No dream comes true until you wake up and go to work. Besides, you have some time. It's not public knowledge, but Marianna and Aaron are talking about not getting married until November, which is typical for Amish weddings. That's a long time away, and if anything, the waiting makes things more favorable on your side."
"What do you mean by that?"
She shrugged. "I can't tell for sure, but there's something strange going on with Aaron. My mother used to tell me that what's whispered in the dark will be shouted from the rooftops—I think that's in the Bible somewhere. I just have a feeling that the more time Marianna spends with Aaron, the more she'll discover he's not the man for her."
"So how do you know I am?"
Rebecca tilted her head up to him. "I may be wayward according to my people's beliefs, but I can tell when someone truly loves God. There's something special about you, Ben, and Marianna will be foolish if she doesn't realize that. I'd never tell her to leave the Amish, but I can tell her to seek God's will. And I hope when she does, it will lead her into your arms."
"You can hope all you want but it doesn't matter. I'm leaving in the morning. Don't think I can do much songwriting, romancing, before then. Not that I agree with you. Not that I think I should. Marianna needs to take the next step. Only then will I know I have a glimmer of a chance."
If the wedding lunch had been simple, the wedding dinner was anything but. It was a time for additional friends and neighbors to show up.
Before everyone arrived, Marianna asked Aaron if they could slip away for a short walk. She hadn't seen much of him lately, and she missed the time they had together in Montana. Here Aaron worked. He cared for the house. He helped his father. He didn't have time to talk with her or to sit and dream.
She held his hand as they walked through a small meadow. A dozen cows chewed their cud near the creek, glancing up as they passed.
"Aaron, I was thinking, maybe we could spend some time together tomorrow. I've b
een reading my Bible and—"
His smile faded and his eyebrows lowered. "The English Bible?"
"Of course. You know I don't read German any better than you do. There's some passages I've been reading. Some stories I think you'd like, and . . ."
Aaron looped his thumbs through his suspenders. "There's no need. You know what I think of the English Bible."
She could tell he was trying to keep his voice calm, but anger tinged his words.
"Ja, but I thought if you read it, maybe you'd see—"
He whispered something under his breath she couldn't understand. "It's jest as my father said. You think a woman accepts you for who you are, but as soon as you take her into the marriage bed she's already crafting ways to change you." He cleared his throat. "Seems you're not even waitin' that long."
Heat rose to her cheeks, and she wished there was shade nearby. Marianna fanned her face. "Is that what you think, that I'm trying to change you? It's our faith, Aaron. The faith of our Anabaptist ancestors was built on God's Word."
"I thought I was gut enough for you." His words seemed more sad now than angry. "Thought all I provided was gut enough."
A sigh escaped her lips. "I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I wish I could help you understand."
"I know yer having second thoughts . . ." Aaron lowered his eyes. "You can't hide that from me. But why?"
As he asked the question, she pictured her nephew. Samuel had grown and changed. His hair was blonder than ever, and his eyes were the bluest eyes she'd ever seen. She only knew one other person with eyes like that. She looked up and focused on those eyes.