by Ian O Lewis
“Fuck me.” I muttered. “Yes, he’s amazing in bed. Like, I’ve never…” I shook my head back and forth and then remembered to check the message Serge had sent.
Lucked out. Coming home today instead of Sunday. See you around 3.
I put the phone down and looked at the gang who were all still eyeing me as if they expected me to give them blow by blow details of Serge and I dancing in the sheets. Then, my phone pinged again.
I miss you.
Placing the phone face down on the table, I took a deep breath and spoke.
“He just texted me. Serge was supposed to be in Norfolk all weekend, but he’s coming home this afternoon instead. He also said he missed me. And it freaks me the hell out.”
“Scary, huh? Because you miss him too.” Spencer hit the nail on the head. I nodded, then picked up the phone and tapped out a reply and hit send.
Not as much as I miss you.
Thankfully the conversation about me ended, and instead we played catch up with one another. It made me miss being young when a group of friends saw each other daily instead of the rare occasion when we were all not working at the same time. Spencer and Michael were planning a trip to Greece, and Kent and Erik’s adoption had hit an unexpected snag. Sneaky was the odd woman out, completely obsessed with her bar next door and the coffee shop to the exclusion of her personal life. Guilt flooded through me since I knew I had neglected Percolate over the last few weeks.
“Guys, the bar is scheduled to open in half an hour. Finish your coffee and come by. The first round is on me.” Sneaky said, then raced next door.
By now it was nearly two o’clock, and I knew Serge would be strolling through the door in an hour. I was having fun with my friends though, and wouldn’t mind spending a little more time with them. I decided to send him a message.
I’ll be next door at the bar. Hanging out with friends. Want to meet me there?
I hit send, then cringed. Damn it, I remembered, Serge was driving. Shit, he’d been texting and driving.
“What’s wrong?” Erik asked.
“Ya’ll, don’t laugh, but Serge is possibly the worst driver I’ve ever met in my life. I sent him a text message, then remembered he’s on the interstate. Shit, I hope I didn’t get someone killed.” I gulped down the rest of my coffee.
“Oh my fucking God, you are so right dude. He almost took off the door to my truck a week ago when he pulled into the parking lot of our apartment building.” Michael laughed. “When he got out of his fancy ass car, he breezed by me like nothing was wrong.”
“Sorry. He’s never driven before. He got his license when he moved here. I swear he bribed someone at the DMV in order to get it.” I chuckled. “Whenever we’re together, I make sure that I’m driving.”
“Don’t apologize. Hell, I just think of him now as the meanest, badassest driver who’s fucking my friend.” Michael grinned. Spencer shot Michael a warning look. You never knew what would fly out of Michael’s mouth, but usually it was harmless.
“Just don’t say anything about his driving to him. He doesn’t understand why it freaks me…” I started, and then my phone pinged. Shit, he was texting and driving again.
I have good news. Let’s celebrate with a drink. See you in a few.
Pints and shots lined the bar waiting for us.
“To Josh: it’s about damn time you got laid!” Kent said, raising his tequila, then threw it back and bit down on his lime. I shook my head and laughed while they downed their shots. I didn’t mind being the center of their teasing since we’d all done it to each other at one time or another.
“Don’t let them get to you.” Erik said, and put his arm around my shoulder and steered me away from the group. He had an uncanny ability to put anyone he was with at ease, but right now it wasn’t working with me.
“They aren’t getting to me. Hell, I’m getting to me. I know you guys mean well, it’s just…”
“It’s because it’s new, right? This thing with your conductor. Trust me, we’ve all been there. It’s scary, but at the same time it’s like the rightest thing in the universe, and you’re terrified all those good feelings will go away. Or even worse, not be reciprocated.” Erik squeezed my shoulder and leaned against the battered pool table. “When Kent and I reunited, it was crazy scary, like I had no idea if he really loved me or not. Then his ex-girlfriend, hell, I’ve told you about her before.” He shook his head and grinned.
What hadn’t been said, but was definitely implied was the question of whether I was in love with Serge or not.
“Turn around.” Erik mouthed.
Serge was at the front of the bar, scanning the room. Fuck, he must have been going 90 miles per hour on the drive home. When his dark eyes landed on mine, his face lit up and he marched in our direction. Fuck, my cock thickened at the sight of him. Before he got to us, Erik murmured the question that had haunted me for days now.
“You are in love with him, aren’t you?”
20
Serge
‘Joshua, do you have to look that good in front of your friends? I want to bend you over that pool table and fuck you until you’re hoarse from screaming my name.’ I thought as I walked over to him.
We were apart for only twenty-four hours, and all I could think about was how much I wanted to taste him, and feel his ass gripping my cock while I made him come. Thank God I had a long jacket on.
“Hi.” I breathed, transfixed by his eyes. We stood there staring at each other, then I heard someone clearing their throat.
One of his buddies was standing behind him, looking very protective. Normally I didn’t give a damn about what other people thought of me, but I had a feeling Joshua’s friends wouldn’t appreciate that. Everything was about Joshua, and I knew I couldn’t run and hide from these strangers.
“Hey.”
Joshua opened his arms to me. Damn, his grip was tight and for a few seconds I allowed myself to melt into his embrace. I could feel his thick cock growing against my hip and worried about pulling back, like he’d be embarrassed. Then I realized it was my reaction to his touch I was concerned about. After a few more moments I realized I hadn’t breathed, then glanced up and saw his friend looking/not looking at us with that totally understandable embarrassment when you witness a PDA.
Friends. I didn’t have them, but I knew most people did. Not that I was against them, per se, but my life wasn’t geared toward having a bunch of people asking me about feelings and crap like that. My life was about work and keeping prying eyes out of my business. But, I couldn’t assume Joshua was the same. These people were there before I showed up on the scene. All I wanted at that moment was to make Joshua happy and alienating his friends would ruin that.
“I missed you.” I said, then lightly pressed my lips against his. Jesus, all I wanted was to take him out of here. His apartment was only a few steps away. How long would it take me to get him up those stairs?
“You…” Joshua murmured, his lips still against mine. Then he jerked back and gestured toward the guy behind him. “This is my friend, Erik.”
The blond-haired man held his hand out, so I shook it, then fumbled for words.
“I’ve seen you before. You, uh, live in my building?” I asked. He had a guarded face though I could see curiosity in his gaze.
“No, but I’m there a lot. Josh and I use the gym on the first floor to work out in together, though he hasn’t shown up for the last couple of weeks.” He winked at me. “We’re friends with the owner, Michael.” Erik said, glancing behind me. I turned my head and a huge man with dark hair and muscles up to his nostrils was standing there with his hand extended toward me.
Shit. If I remembered correctly he was my landlord. I felt like I was cornered.
“We’ve met.” I murmured, then spun around and shook his hand. Damn it, all these niceties I had to deal with. I slipped an arm around Joshua’s waist and settled in next to him. Dread filled me. Why was it I could speak in front of a crowd of thousands, but if I
was face to face with actual people it made me want to pass out? All I wanted to do was be with my man, to tell him my good news. I gazed into Joshua’s eyes and saw happiness there, then realized I’d have to do what I hated the most.
Socialize.
I leaned against the bar encircled by the half-drunk and laughing friends of Joshua’s. Just one look into his face offset the discomfort I felt by being out of my element. His crystal-blue eyes sparkled while the rest of his face seemed so relaxed and at ease. He kept one hand on my shoulder, and every few minutes I’d catch him staring at me. Well, to be honest he kept catching me gazing at him. When he was around the rest of the world evaporated.
“Serge, how about that good news you mentioned? Can you tell me now, or do you want to wait until later?” Joshua asked, and of course it was exactly when the rest of his friends were having a lull in their conversation.
“Good news? We’re always up to hearing good news, man.” Michael said, and slapped a hand on my shoulder. My mouth went dry for a moment, then I forced a smile on my face. I gulped, then spit it out.
“I got a call from my agent. They are shooting a film in Richmond starring Angela Barnes.” I began, the name of the movie star silencing everyone. I rubbed my thigh to keep my leg from bouncing up and down. All eyes were on me, and I felt my mouth get even drier. I took a sip of beer then finished telling the news. “The Richmond Symphony will record the bulk of the soundtrack, and I am scoring it. That music you and I have been working on, Joshua, it's for that film.”
“Wow! That’s amazing!” Joshua exclaimed, wrapping his arms around me. When I let go of him, his friends congratulated me, and moments later a round of shots appeared to help us celebrate. I’d worked hard on this deal, and it wasn’t just for me. The musicians would make excellent money during the recording process, up to $350 per hour depending on their experience. If the film was a success, it could lead to much more work for everyone.
“Do you get to meet her? I mean Angela Barnes.” The man with dark hair and glasses asked. Kent. Yes, that was his name.
“Most likely, but the work I’m doing doesn’t really have much to do with her. Maybe at a party or something. But I’ve met her before. She’s nice.”
“You’ve fucking met Angela Barnes?” Michael asked, his eyes like saucers. At that moment I nearly lost my balance. My hand shot out to hold on to the bar and my beer mug crashed to the ground, broken glass flying across the scratched up wooden floor.
“Shit.” I muttered, then bent over to pick up the larger shards. I felt a hand on my shoulder pulling me up.
“I’ve got this.” Sneaky said. “Don’t want you to cut yourself.” She already had a broom and dustpan out and quickly took care of the mess. I swiped at my forehead with the back of my hand, then noticed it was trembling so I jammed it in my pocket.
“You okay, Serge?” Joshua whispered, then wrapped his arm around my waist. I nodded, more embarrassed than anything else. This had been happening a lot more lately, and it seemed the only remedy, the only thing that calmed my nerves was the man standing next to me. I knew how I felt about him, and prayed it was mutual, but life didn’t come with any guarantees. Taking it, or him for granted would only spell disaster.
“I wasn’t expecting you home so soon, otherwise we’d be alone, know what I mean?” Joshua nuzzled the skin under my ear for a brief second, then whispered words I was desperate to hear.
“I’d say go back to my apartment, but these guys are likely to follow us up there. Wanna go back to your place and celebrate your musical coup in bed?”
We made love.
It was different this time. There was no rush, no fevered coupling that left us breathless from the physical act itself. Instead, we were breathless from the beauty of our bodies merging, melding into one another. Words were never spoken. They would have broken the spell. When it was over, I pulled him into my chest, kissed the back of his neck and fell asleep.
It was dark outside when my eyes popped open. Joshua was curled up on his side under the thick, paisley comforter. There was a full moon, and its silvery light cast shadows over the room. I turned on my back and stared at the ceiling, wishing my thoughts hadn’t gone where they did before I awoke.
Shattering the beer mug this afternoon wasn’t the first time I’d dropped something recently.
If I was being honest with myself, I was a total klutz. You only had to look inside my kitchen cabinets to figure that out. All of my glasses were made from plastic, and so were the bowls and plates. Hell, there was nothing breakable in the whole damn apartment. Joshua had commented on it, and I’d brushed it off, saying I didn’t eat at home enough to warrant having fancy dishes.
I gingerly got out of bed, so I wouldn’t disturb him and padded into my study. Underneath the desk was a lockbox where I kept important papers. I opened it and retrieved the letter I’d read so many times that the ink was now blurry, both from my fingerprints and tears. It was written by my mother, the last letter she’d written before she died. It was in Russian, and the only reason I knew every word by heart was because of Aunt Svetta who’d translated it and cried with me countless times over its words. The handwriting was spidery, scrawled and nearly indecipherable.
Sergei,
I’m starving, but I can’t eat. My hands shake so much I can barely hold a spoon, so when no one is looking I eat with my fingers. Then, if I’m lucky, I can swallow it. But more and more my throat no longer works and I choke on the food I hunger for.
If I have passed this disease on to you, please forgive me. Not a single day goes by that I curse the day I conceived you, then cry I even had the thought you were not in my life. You are my everything, happy boy, never forget that.
You and Svetta are all I have now. My dignity is long gone. I pray to God and the saints throughout the day you are spared this horrible illness.
Stop putting off the inevitable. Get tested, though if you do have it, I have little to offer in the way of advice. There is no way to convey the horror of no longer being able to do anything for yourself, to feel you have become a burden to those you love most. The one thing I can tell you to do is to live life to the fullest and make each moment count. Do not let time slip away from you my darling.
I love you so much happy boy, and hope you forgive me.
I stood in the bedroom doorway for a few moments, gazing down at the man sleeping in my bed. The shadows from the moonlight highlighted his face, the chiseled cheekbones made prominent while his gorgeous red hair took on an almost purple hue.
When I pulled back the comforter and slid underneath, Joshua scooted back an inch and nestled into my arms. Mom’s words echoed in my head, repeating her admonishment to live life to the fullest, to take nothing or anyone for granted. There was no way I could ever treat the man in my arms with anything but the utmost of devotion and respect, and...
“I love you.” I whispered into his hair, then repeated it once more. “I love you, Joshua.”
A minute passed. My eyes were sliding shut when I heard his unexpected response.
“I love you too.”
21
Josh
I lay there with my eyes shut for a few minutes until I heard Serge’s soft snore and his arm loosened its hold on my side. When I opened my eyes, the room was bathed in moonlight. I carefully turned over on my back, so I wouldn’t disturb him.
His declaration surprised me. Not that it wasn’t reciprocated. For the last few days rumblings in my heart made me contemplate a life without the crazy musician curled up on his side next to me. It wasn’t pretty. I mean, I was thirty-two years old, had never had a boyfriend of any kind and had gotten along fine until he showed up. The thought of not being with Serge filled me with fear and dread. How could I go back to that lonely existence?
I’d never thought about my life before him. It wasn’t a bad life. I had great friends, and though I hated nursing, the job wasn’t horrible. Now I had the career I’d always wanted, and it was supposed to op
en up doors, lead me down, shit, pathways I’d only imagined?
Yes, there were moments when I wished someone was by my side, a partner in crime, a lover and a best friend. Until Serge came along those were abstract concepts. Now they had been made real, and it was like emotional crack.
I never wanted to give it up.
What frightened me was how fast it was all happening. From everything I’d read, love was this long, drawn-out process that took months of dating. You’d meet, then a few dates later you’d have sex. Then, a few more months would pass and you’d introduce one another to your families. If everything was still going great a year or so later, you’d either shack up, or get hitched.
This was totally unlike that.
If I looked at my immediate friends though, most of them knew the moment they’d met their soulmate. Kent and Erik had known within weeks of meeting that they were meant to be together. Even after a nasty breakup they couldn’t stay apart, somehow overcoming the rotten tomatoes life had thrown at them. Same for Spencer and Michael.
So why was I expecting anything different? Should I just embrace the fact that the man next to me was who I was meant to be with? That fate had finally gotten around to introducing us, and now we’d better make the best of things?
I turned over on my side and felt his arm wrap around my waist. His breathing never changed, and I thought he was sound asleep. Even unconscious the man knew that I needed his touch.
“I really do love you, Serge.” I whispered. Seconds later I realized he wasn’t asleep at all.
“Duh.”