by Ian O Lewis
“Yeah, I’ve eaten nothing since lunch and I’m starving. I’ll take my car and follow along behind you.” I said, then raced out the door before he noticed what his hands did to me. His touch drove me crazy, firm and strong, and willing me to do things I wasn't sure I was ready for.
When I sat my car, it struck me that it had been months, hell, almost a year since I’d last had sex. With Ted of course, and what I didn’t admit at that time was how I occasionally fantasized about other men to enjoy it. I’d give credit where credit was due; Ted wasn’t a bad lover. What had been missing was the deep connection I longed for, but could never quite manage with him. At the time I wrote it off to premarital jitters, or a fear of commitment. Maybe there was something more to it than I thought.
A horn beeped. Michael waved as he pulled his cherry red pickup out of the lot. I drove behind him, and while sitting at a red light, it dawned on me that when I’d fantasized about other men while with Ted, most of the time it was a burly, faceless dark-haired devil, similar to the one I was taking to dinner.
“The Portobello Big Mac is good, and so is the Vegan Orgy on Texas Beach.” Michael said as we opened our menus. The atmosphere was funky and eclectic though Michael’s taste in food surprised me. I thought he was a meat and potatoes type of guy.
“Are you a vegan now? Because it’s obvious you’re into fitness, and I thought you’d be more a surf and turf kind of guy?” I asked, unable to tear my eyes away from his biceps. They were threatening to rip the sleeves of his shirt.
“No, not a vegan, but I love trying different types of food. Try the lobster in butter sauce if veggies scare ya.” Michael grinned, then his eyes met mine, faltered, and shifted back to the menu. Damn, this man still took my breath away. Objectively speaking, I’d seen better looking men than Michael, but they were usually on the poster of the latest blockbuster movie, not someone you’d meet in real life. He was a stud, but it was his magnetic aura that drew me to him, and try as I might to resist, maybe I was being kinda silly about the whole thing?
“Michael, how’ve you been?” Two guys appeared at the table, one tall and trim with dark hair, and the other one was close to being movie poster godlike, with dirty-blond hair, blue eyes and a muscular frame to rival Michael’s.
“Great, no complaints. Hey guys, this is my, um, an old friend from high school who just moved back to town, Spencer. Spencer, meet two of my favorite people, Kent and Erik.” Michael introduced us, and for a split second I worried that they would sit at the table, which felt stupid once I thought about it. Michael and I were buddies, having a friendly dinner, that’s all. No reason for me to fear they would intrude.
“Do you guys want to join us?” Michael asked, then glanced in my direction. I shrugged my shoulders and grinned, praying they wouldn’t.
“We just finished an early dinner. The babysitter can’t stay late because it’s a weeknight, so we need to get home early. Oh, and Erik has an interview in the morning for a job. Otherwise, we’d love to join you both. It was nice meeting you, Spencer.” The taller one said, then winked at Michael before the two of them turned on their heels and left.
“Those guys are great, they used to rent from me. Actually, they live in a house I sold them three blocks from here. You’re gonna like living in Oregon Hill, lots of cool people in the area.” Michael flashed that blinding smile again. It made me forget where I was for a second, but then I remembered to keep the conversation going.
“I remember as a kid that Oregon Hill was a scary place. It’s amazing how they’ve turned some of those junky houses into beautiful homes.” I said. It was true. My parents would have grounded me for life if I’d ever set foot in Oregon Hill growing up. Now I’d be living here.
“Well,” Michael leaned back in his chair with a confident smirk.“You can thank me for a lot of that. I started my real estate business buying those junky houses and fixing them up. I always saw potential here and knew we could bring the neighborhood back. It’s all about believing in yourself, making goals and doing whatever it takes to make it happen. You’ve done a pretty decent job of that yourself. What you told me about Harvard, and that shit that happened to you, most people would have folded, hightailed it and run away. You took the bull by the horns and made a career for yourself despite the odds. Shows you have guts and determination. I like that.” Michael’s grin flattened out, and I saw fire in his eyes.
How the hell could I resist him? Every time I saw him it hit me physically, made me want to, I don’t know… relive the past? My love life over the years had been sporadic at best, and the last time I’d committed myself to someone, he took off with another man.
“Michael, I sent you a text yesterday and never heard back.” A younger guy in his early twenties was suddenly behind Michael and placed his hands on his shoulders in a very familiar way. Michael stiffened and glanced up to see who it was. He blushed, then leaned forward, so the hands slipped off him.
“Um, I’ve been busy. Work and stuff, you know, the usual.” Michael put his face in his palms for a brief second then looked up at the young guy again, a look of confusion on his face. The stranger finally noticed me and frowned.
“Is this who you’re doing now? Aren’t you going to introduce us?” A hint of annoyance crossed the twink’s face. Michael reached across the table and took my hand in his, folding my fingers into his palm.
“This is Spencer.” He stated. It felt like the entire restaurant was a stage, a spotlight over our table. I glanced around, wondering if every person there was focused on us. All I could think about was his hand holding mine, possessively sending a message to this guy that I was his, and to back off. Butterflies danced in my stomach. Then, a disturbing thought struck me; was he only holding it to get rid of this guy?
“You can’t even remember my name can you? Asshole.” The twink turned to leave, then smirked in my direction. “Honey, he does this to all the boys. Don’t think he won’t do the same to you.”
He hustled out of the restaurant, the door slamming behind him.
So much time had passed, and I had to admit, that young guy might be a clue as to the type of man Michael really was. His eyes were gazing intently into mine. Memories flooded back of how we used to hold hands in his car, or at the movies when we thought no one was looking. I remembered feeling like a fish out of water as a teenager, and how Michael’s touch would ground me, make me feel accepted and loved for who I was. I didn’t know how my parents would react to me coming out. Growing up scared that I couldn’t tell them about this love I felt for Michael, was agonizing. His strength back then had been enough to wipe those feelings away.
“I’m sorry about…” Michael began, then we were interrupted.
“What can I get for you this evening?” A waitress dressed head to toe in black asked, startling me. I pulled my hand away from Michael’s and snatched up the menu. Inwardly, I thanked the woman for saving me. This man, who at one time was my reason for living, now scared the bejesus out of me.
“Thank you for dinner. Actually, I don’t remember the food much, so I thank you for the company. I’m glad we’re spending time together.” Michael leaned against his truck door, his eyes trapping mine. “I know we’re just getting to know each other again,” He paused between every word, “but you must know, you mean more to me than just friends. I’ve never forgotten you Spence.” Michael laced his fingers around the back of my neck. His scent, that woodsy scent that turned me on so damn much flooded my nostrils. It was like testosterone oozed out of his pores. I felt a stirring in my pants, my dick showing its appreciation for being so close to this man. Should I trust my instincts and take a chance that things might possibly work out with him?
“Michael, you don’t know how much I want to believe you.” I sighed, then pulled him in close, inhaling his scent as I did. My heart was thumping, but I couldn’t figure out why. Was it fear, or lust? A combination of the two? Christ, I was probably overthinking the whole thing.
“I want yo
u to…”
Michael’s voice cut off mid-sentence, and it was my fault. I was kissing him. The taste of his lips against mine was so familiar, yet new. More powerful than my memories of his youthful kisses, which drove me mad back then, and were doing it even more now. The way he smelled and the texture of his thick stubble around my lips felt so damn right. I was drowning in a heaven I’d never really forgotten, pushed back into my memories by his lips and arms wrapped around me. Every nerve ending in my body was singing as I melted into his embrace.
Michael pulled back and took my face in his hands. A growl issued from his throat and then he crushed my mouth in another kiss. He tilted my head to the side and sucked on my tongue, then nibbled my bottom lip before it became a deep, passionate embrace that forced me to remember what his mouth felt like on other parts of my body. There was an urgency to it, as if we were making up for the time and distance that had kept us apart. Most importantly it felt natural, like it was supposed to be just him and me holding each other up, the two of us against the world. It went on for what seemed like hours, but when it was over felt like mere seconds.
“Mmmm.” Michael groaned, a heart-wrenching sound I remembered from years past, when we’d said goodbye.
Goodbye.
My God, what if he was just a player, hooking up with younger guys like that kid at the table? What if he was like Ted, pretending to love me while fucking his surgical assistant?
Michael could destroy me.
“What... why are you pushing me away?” Michael pleaded as I pushed him back. His mouth hung half open, and his arms reached for me as I backed away. “Please, I’ll do anything to…”
“I’m... I’m sorry Michael. I shouldn’t have kissed you.” I whispered, shaking my head slowly. Of all the things that would send me into a tailspin it would be Michael, leaving me and breaking my heart. He had that power, and it would destroy me in a way that would make Ted’s no-show at the altar seem like a minor blip in my timeline.
“I’m sorry.” I stammered again, then I ran to my car. My hands trembled as I opened the door, my brain unable to catch up with my heart. Once I crashed into the seat I attempted to slip the key into the ignition but my hands were shaking. I took a few deep breaths, hoping to clear my head. Then I looked out the window. Michael was leaning against his truck, his back to the street, shoulders shaking. I’d only seen him cry once, and that was the night we were forced to say goodbye. We were reliving that night twenty years later, and it was my fault. As teenagers I’d never seen him show even a hint of weakness, always in control of his every emotion. Michael’s strength was what drew me to him, but the fact that he’d lost it whenever I was involved, only made me want him more.
“What the hell have I done?” I groaned, then looked into the rear-view mirror, surprised to see tears streaming down my cheeks too.
“I’m happy you found a new apartment sweetie, though you don’t look terribly excited.” Aunt Sue handed me a glass of chardonnay. She was my favorite relative, and I’d been grateful she’d taken me in while I found a place. We’d always had a strong bond, and I’d come out to her first, right before high school graduation. Aunt Sue surprised me back then by saying she’d known I was gay all along.
I wondered how much I could tell her about my evening. When I got to her house she’d immediately asked what was wrong. I’d shrugged it off, hoping to avoid any questions, but she’d always had a way of divining my moods, fishing out all the details I held back from everyone else.
“It’s in Oregon Hill, that big apartment building overlooking the river. I’m renting it from someone I knew in high school, Michael. We went to dinner after I signed the lease, and, well, things didn’t go the way I thought they would.” I sighed, not wanting to get into the particulars of the disastrous evening. The thing was, I needed to say something about it. I felt so uncomfortable, knowing I hurt him. Michael never cried. Don’t ask me how I knew it, but I did.
“Michael? Do you mean that boy you were in love with in high school?” Aunt Sue asked, a grin spreading across her rosy cheeks. I could tell she’d had more than one glass of wine. Normally, she wasn’t this forthcoming.
“How… how did you know? I never told you about him.” I was flabbergasted. Perhaps I told her about him when I came out and forgot?
“No dear, you never said a word about Michael. You didn’t have to. But, I remember it like it was yesterday, that boy always following you. Whenever you came over to visit, he was there, tagging along. You were always smiling, which beat the hell out of the brooding teenager you were before you met him. It reminded me of how I felt about your Uncle Gordon. I never wanted him out of my sight. Damn, I miss him to this day.” Aunt Sue’s husband died when I was young and she’d never remarried.
“So why did you move back to Richmond? Wasn’t it to start afresh, to find new adventures? Because if there are any other reasons, you need to examine them. You should embrace life, not run away from it.” She stated, locking her slightly bloodshot eyes to mine. As usual, she had a point.
“You know why I moved back to Richmond.” I waited for her to interject, and when she didn’t I continued. “Because of Ted, and his dumping me for another man. Being left at the altar wasn’t my finest moment. I’m not ready to be with anyone. It’s too soon.”
“But you weren’t really in love with him, were you?” She held up her glass, as if toasting herself for accurately figuring it all out when I couldn’t.
She was right, of course, but I didn’t want to even contemplate the misery I’d feel if I started something with the first, and possibly only, man I’d ever loved. If he betrayed me like Ted had, I would be devastated. When Ted abandoned me at the altar, it changed the way I thought about the world. I now distrusted everyone regardless of how well I knew them. Even if I never felt for Ted what I should have felt for a husband, the humiliation never left me.
“No, I wasn’t. That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt though.” I sighed. “I have to admit I felt a certain sense of, I don’t know, relief? Part of me is glad that it didn’t work out. The problem is, I messed things up tonight. It’s just…” I started, but she interrupted me with questions I was too afraid to answer.
“Is Michael still in love with you?” She stared at me over her wine glass, an eyebrow lifted, then dropped the bomb.
“Are you still in love with him?”
About the Author
Ian O. Lewis writes what he loves to read; books about men having a happily ever after.
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