by Tessa Vidal
It was a twenty-minute walk to her place. I always put on headphones with no music playing, so I could think without street people asking for money. Thoughts of Jessica ruled the airwaves between my ears even more than usual.
She’d been on my mind a lot. Well, I mean she was always on my mind, but lately it was a constant wave of thought after thought, kinda overwhelming. Why? I couldn’t figure it out, I mean, part of it was because I was miserable. My parents were okay, but I was having second thoughts about where my life was headed. Jessica made me smile when no one else could, and today I really needed to be around her.
I turned the corner onto her street, careful not to trip where the sidewalk broke in two before getting to Jessica’s house. I slowed down, wanting a minute more with my thoughts before I had to put on my happy face. She always saw through it. I expected her to, but if I didn’t try, we were both disappointed. There was so much more I wanted to say, and if I didn’t spit it out soon, I didn’t think I’d ever have the courage to do it again.
When we touched, my insides felt different, hotter. Like, maybe that’s how it felt to be microwaved, cooked from the inside out, like something was about to explode. My heart would race, and I’d have to leave the room just to escape the surge of emotion she triggered in me. Maybe she felt the same? I knew I’d never find out unless I brought it up, but I was afraid of losing my best friend. What if I grossed her out, or she told everyone we knew that I was queer or something?
But, what if she felt the same?
“Simona, what took you so long?” Jessica wrapped her arms around my shoulders. I felt the usual ache inside from her touch, the heat building up to uncomfortable levels. Stepping back to give myself space, I noticed a hurt expression flit across her features.
“Sorry.” I muttered, keeping my head down. It was easier to keep my head in the right place if I didn’t focus on her soft, oval face. I thought she could read my mind through my eyes, so I kept them down in case it was true. I felt her finger under my chin, lifting it up.
“C’mon, let’s go up in the treehouse. I’ve got a joint. Let’s smoke it before we run that errand.”
I followed her into the backyard. The leaves were thick, and you couldn’t see the treehouse inside its branches. Jessica pulled herself up by the lowest branch, then secured a foot on the first step, an old board nailed in place. Her calves were smooth and firm, flexing as she pulled herself up each step. When she reached the top, she bit her lower lip and giggled.
“What are you standing there for? C’mon.” I loved her laugh, something about it made the hair on the back of my neck tingle, and I smiled back. The old boards were rough, and I’d always get splinters, though somehow Jessica never did. I pulled myself up through the hole in the floor and flopped down next to her.
The joint was in her mouth, the lighter flicked on. She inhaled then passed it to me. I hated smoking, but she seemed to like it. What I usually did was draw in the smoke and pretend like I inhaled, then hold it in my mouth, so she didn’t know. I’d still catch a buzz, but not that out-of-control feeling you sometimes got after taking a hit. Today was different though; I was going to tell her how I really felt. I took the biggest toke ever, inhaling it deep in my chest. Within seconds, Jessica laughed and pounded me on the back.
“What the fuck, Simona, you’re smoking it for a change!”
I looked her in the eye. Shit, she always knew. How did she always know this stuff about me?
“Don’t act surprised. Of course I knew you weren’t really hitting it. What’s up? Why now?”
My gaze dropped to her arms. Jessica’s pale skin was so smooth and soft. I loved it when she’d wrap them around my waist, but then I’d always push her away, so I wouldn’t like it too much.
“You don’t have to talk if you don’t wanna. I…”
“What?” I passed the joint back to her. The fire on it died. Her delicate fingers worked the lighter and she inhaled. Then she surprised me by placing her hand on the back of my head and pulled my face into hers. She blew smoke in my mouth, and my lips opened automatically to receive it. Then her lips touched mine, by accident I thought, but no more smoke was coming from her mouth. Our lips firmed up and Jessica’s arms found my shoulders, pulling me into her. I moaned, while my tongue slipped into her mouth. Jessica’s tongue licked inside my upper lip, and I felt a whimper coming up her throat into my mouth, the horrible smoke replaced with her need. I wondered if she could feel my heart beating through my skin, pounding faster than it ever had before. Then my mind blanked, and I pushed her back without thought.
“Oh God, Simona, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.” Her innocent blue eyes were downcast, and her face was red. I couldn’t stop staring at her lips, puffy and swollen where I had nibbled and kissed. No way was she taking that back; no fucking way.
My hand cupped her chin, holding it in place. I locked eyes with her and nodded my head, then placed my lips on hers. Jessica’s arms shook as they wrapped around my shoulders. I pulled her closer, wanting to inhabit her very space, for the edges of the two of us to blur, the way it did in my imagination. This time her hands pushed me back.
“What’s wrong?” I pushed a lock of hair out of her eyes, those eyes which were always hard for everyone else, but for me they were blue, soft and wet.
“Nothing, nothing’s wrong, I’m just…”
“Happy, I hope you are about to say you’re happy, because I am. I really am happy.” My hands couldn’t stop stroking her hair, touching her neck. I took her hand in mine, hoping she wouldn’t mind.
“Of course I’m happy, Simona, it’s just I thought you’d, you know, say something bad, call me a dyke or something.” She said that word like it meant nothing. I know it hurt to say it, because it hurt me to hear it.
“Never, I’ll never say anything bad to you, no, not ever.” I kissed her, then moved my lips to her neck. My hand cupped her breast through her t-shirt and I felt a moan vibrating through her skin. Somehow she ended up on her back, my hands in her silky hair while my mouth went everywhere it always dreamt of. Oh my God, all I’d ever wanted was in my arms underneath me. These words repeated in my head like a taped loop playing to the beat of my heart.
Jessica’s hands suddenly pushed me up, my lips torn from her skin.
“You want me? I mean, like really want me Simona? Because, you’re all I ever dream of. All I want is you on top of me, inside me, all around me, every day, all day and night, I..”
My lips shut the flow of words off, because I couldn’t articulate them back, only with my body could I tell her how I felt. All I wanted was to be… this, this love, this bursting feeling like my heart would explode out of my chest.
Consciousness shut off at that moment and pure feeling took over. No thought was given to the sounds we made, or the shaking of the tree branches as our clothes were torn off. Her skin melted into mine, and for a few brief minutes that felt like an eternity. The green diffused sunlight became a mist clinging to our bodies, and at the height of our passion, when union was truly made, I wept, and so did she.
Our footsteps were in sync as we marched down the sidewalk, quicker than usual. We were running late. The back of Jessica’s hand kept bumping into mine and I longed to hold it, but knew better than to do it in this rough part of town.
We were doing what we could to maintain that bubble, you know, the intimacy bubble we’d created in the treehouse. We’d always had that whenever we hung out together, but now it was way stronger than before. I hoped we didn’t run into anyone we knew, because I was sure they’d know something was going on between us within seconds. There was no mistaking it, like a magnetic field pulling us together.
It was romantic, the sunset triggering clouds to change colors. Pinks, purples, and reds competed with a violet sky, the moon becoming visible in the dusk. We rarely heard them, but tonight the crickets were on high alert, only interrupted by the occasional car horn, or siren. When I thought she wasn’t looking I’d sneak pe
eks at her face. It was so relaxed, the smile wide though we’d said nothing funny, or anything at all for that matter. Being together was enough, and I felt my own smile spreading across my cheeks.
“Jessica.” I looked at the chain-link fence next to us and came to a stop. “Give me the back pack. We’re supposed to meet up there.” The fence surrounded a small hill with a basketball court in the center. Jessica always insisted on carrying the bag for me.
She took it off her back and handed it over. The entrance was on the other side, but I knew a hole was cut in the chain links close by. We walked slowly up the sidewalk, and when I found it I held one side open and Jessica squeezed in before I entered. There were a few scraggly trees, but otherwise it was dirt and pavement. There was a beat up old car on the other side of the basketball court that looked abandoned. Otherwise, we were alone.
Sam was the guy’s name, or at least that’s what I knew him by. I’d met him a couple of times before, so I felt safe enough to let Jessica come with me. I didn’t tell her what it was we were doing. I think she knew, or at least she knew enough to never ask me about it. It was growing darker, and half of the lights around the basketball court were burnt out. I was hoping this Sam guy would show up soon, because the place was giving me the creeps.
“How long is this going to take?” Jessica murmured. I turned to her, and then a loud pop sounded, almost deafening. Jessica’s eyes grew wide, and she fell against me. Another pop, and I heard the bullet hit the concrete near us. Her hands grabbed my waist, knocking me to the ground, her body landing half on top of mine.
“Stay still.” She mouthed, then shut her eyes. I wanted to scream, wanted to make sure she wasn’t hurt. I couldn’t tell if she was hit, or if she was just faking it to keep me out of harm’s way.
Footsteps ran toward us. I closed my eyes, hoping they thought we were both dead. Holding my breath I didn’t move even as I felt the backpack being pried from my fingertips. Seconds of waiting felt like long minutes while they unzipped and inspected the bag. A foot pushed me, trying to roll me over, but I was wedged under Jessica, who wasn’t moving a muscle. I wanted to breathe so badly, my lungs straining to not exhale until after they left. Jessica’s weight kept me from shaking, and my nerves were on high alert, ready to run.
Sirens sounded in the distance, and the clamor of running feet allowed me to exhale. Jessica’s weight pushed down on me more, and I couldn’t move.
“Jessica, c’mon, you can move now, they’re gone.” I whispered; no response. “Please Jessica, please, you have to get up.”
My ear to the pavement felt the vibration of feet running toward us again. I held my breath, afraid they’d forgotten something. The feet stopped next to my head, but I couldn’t turn to see them, immobilized under Jessica’s chest. The sirens were getting closer, and hands were pushing Jessica’s body off of mine.
“Simona? Simona!” Uncle Ricardo said my name twice. “Jessica? Oh god, Jessica? What’s she doing here? Simona, c’mon, were you hit? We have to run, the…” His hands lifted me up while he babbled in fear, then patted me all over to see if I was bleeding. I looked down, and Jessica lay there, not moving, not breathing, all because of me.
Gravel is what your throat felt like when it was screaming without conscious thought.
My sore, swollen eyes opened to darkness, stale warm air, and the feeling of cotton in my mouth. It was my bed, and somehow I was still breathing. I needed water, but I couldn’t move. How is it I’m here, and she’s not? Voices rose outside the door and I realized it was my father and his brother in yet another quarrel. I burrowed under the comforter once more and slipped away from this nightmare.
“Baby, you need to go, get up.” Dark still, even with the blankets off me it was dark, but I could make out Mom’s features. Eyes open wide with curiosity, she examined my face, held my chin in her hands.
“I know you loved her, but you must go, you can’t stay here.”
I couldn’t move for her, not just yet. I glared at her hoping she’d understand. I couldn’t do anything right now, but sleep.
Mom opened her mouth to speak, thought for a moment and shut it. She grabbed my legs in her hands and swung them around until my feet hit the floor. She had a pair of my jeans, and within seconds I was on my feet, zipping myself up. I sat back down. Then she was tying my shoes though she’d been standing in front of me a moment ago.
Time stopped and started, slow motion life instead of photography. Mom was a robot, or an old silent movie actress with jerky movements. It was probably just the moonlight coming through the window, yes, and shadows. She should have turned on the light.
“We’re visiting Ramon and Julia for a while. You haven’t seen them in years. Doesn’t that sound like fun Simona?” I was in Ricardo’s van. I opened my eyes and stretched my arms over my head, surprised by the sudden light of the sunrise.
“Where are we?” I whispered. My throat felt like a vise was clamped on it, crushing it in two. Oil refineries flew by, then more factories with pipes and steam pouring out.
“New Jersey.” Ricardo reached over and squeezed my knee. He glanced at me in the rearview mirror and I shifted my gaze to my lap.
“Here, take this, it’ll make you feel better. Your mom told me to make you take these.” I looked up to see a couple of white pills in his outstretched hand. I hesitated, knowing it wasn’t aspirin. I left them in his hand for a few more seconds, a rebellious moment. I wanted to see him squirm. I was angry at him, but I couldn’t remember why. I gave in and took them. He handed me a bottle of orange juice and I swallowed them down.
“Are you hungry? I can stop at a rest area, get you something? You don’t have to move, I’ll get it for you.” His voice had that sing-song quality of a bad Saturday morning cartoon actor’s voice. I shook my head no.
“Go back to sleep. It’s a long way to North Carolina. There’s a lot of jobs there, and you can go back to school if you want. You’re going to have a new life. Isn’t that exciting?” My fists clenched. I closed my eyes and waited for the pills to kick in.
“The Outer Banks are beautiful, don’t ya think?” Uncle Ricardo was talking again. I wanted him to shut the fuck up.
Water stretched as far as the eye could see. We were driving across a very long bridge. I turned my head to look behind me and saw apartment buildings and a strip of beach. A few people were walking along it, despite the onset of night.
I settled back in the seat and closed my eyes, welcoming the swarm of colors swimming behind my eyelids. Shapes washed through, taking form, and eventually Jessica was there, smiling at me.
Amber
The apartment over Simona’s gym was perfect. It had a separate entrance from the downstairs and a set of stairs on the side of the renovated garage. I’d hired a group of students to move my stuff. It was the first time I’d not done everything myself, and it felt great supervising instead of breaking my back.
The bedroom’s huge windows overlooked the backyard, and the pool. It had beautiful wooden shutters on the inside, painted a bright scarlet. They lit up the room with a cheeriness I desperately needed early in the morning. Hardwood floors, built-in bookshelves, and a brand new kitchen inspired me to finish unpacking my few belongings as soon as the movers stacked them in the center of the space. I’d never lived in such a beautiful apartment before. Most people loved huge rooms and houses, but I didn’t. I loved small, compact rooms. They made me feel secure and centered, and I was eager to make this perfect, small apartment into my home.
I wandered over to the windows in the bedroom and examined the view. The pool was beautiful, and the lawn was perfectly manicured by the gardener every week. I glanced up, noticing the window straight across from mine was open.
Damn.
It was Simona’s bedroom, and I had a bird’s eye view of the bed. The bedspread was bright yellow, in stark contrast with the rest of the room, dominated by blacks, whites, and grays. What was it going to be like, knowing she was right across from me
and unable to do anything about it?
I fell back on the bed and realized I’d left my phone in my back pocket and pulled it out. Simona had called last night after I’d gone to sleep. I listened to the message at three in the morning, but only to ensure it wasn’t an emergency. I listened to it again, this time on speaker.
“Amber, it’s me Simona. I’m sorry to be calling so late. I wanted to see how things were going. Hope you had a good day off. I’ve got a lot going on here, so don’t worry about calling me back. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
Her smooth voice was like velvet against my skin, its texture both shocking and seductive. I replayed it, wanting to feel and hear her words one more time.
“What the hell am I going to do? I can’t keep pretending I’m not feeling something for her.” I muttered, my frustrated voice echoing amongst the unpacked boxes. Might as well put stuff away as long as I was here. I pushed myself off the bed and tackled the bookshelves first, putting the volumes in order. After only five minutes I realized my go-to means of distracting myself wasn’t cutting it. Methodical work usually turned off my inner, critical voice, but today it wasn’t working.
“You will let go of these feelings. I don’t care how you do it Amber, but it must be done. Not only is she your boss, she’s turning into a great friend, and I can’t mess that up.” I placed the books on the shelf and walked into the bathroom.
My reflection in the mirror startled me. I wasn’t used to the red streaks in my hair yet. I ran my fingers through it, then shook my head and spoke to my reflection.
“You’re not that bad looking. Maybe Christy is right; maybe I will meet someone else, someone who will take my breath away. Someone who’s not my boss, damn it.”