Lost To Me

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Lost To Me Page 9

by Jamie Blair


  He took a drag and exhaled. “Kyle told me what happened.”

  I ran my hand through my hair and tugged at the back. “That shouldn’t have happened. He started talking shit about Lauren and Tabby, and I should’ve just let it go.”

  We stood there watching cars drive past while he finished his smoke. “Alright, loser. Come over tomorrow night. It’s going to be huge. You probably won’t even have to talk to any of them.”

  I shrugged. “I’ll think about it.”

  At nine fifteen that night, I knocked on Lauren’s door. She swung it open, grabbed me, and pressed her lips against mine. The feel of her in my arms, and knowing she’d been waiting by the door made everything but us disappear. “I couldn’t wait to see you.” She picked her camera up off the table and rushed out the door. “How was work?”

  “Fine.” I sighed. She didn’t know I’d started my second job already. I didn’t want to be working it, and somehow not telling her about it made it less real in my mind.

  “You look tired.” She ran her fingers over my eyelids.

  “I am.” I yawned thinking about how tired I was.

  “You want to go home? It’s okay. We can do something tomorrow…if you can.”

  I wrapped my arms around her waist. “No way. I’ve waited all day to be with you.”

  We made our way down the beach in the dark. The air was wet with humidity.

  “Stop!” She raised her camera to eye level and aimed it at the sky. The moon was only a sliver surrounded by a million stars.

  As she took pictures, the bottom of her t-shirt snuck up, exposing a narrow strip of her stomach. There was nobody else around, so I dropped to my knees and took her by the hips. My lips met the bare skin above her shorts and she inhaled a sharp breath.

  I unbuttoned her shorts and waited for her to stop me. When she didn’t, I lowered them just a little, and kissed along the low waistband of her underwear.

  “Kolton,” she whispered.

  “I won’t.” I was dying to.

  I stood up. Her head was thrown back, and her eyes were closed. I pulled my t-shirt over my head and ran a hand down her neck. “Come swimming with me.”

  She opened her eyes and took in my bare chest. “Swimming? Now?”

  “Yeah. Come on.”

  “Let me put my camera inside and throw my suit on.” She took a step back toward the house.

  I held her arm. “You don’t need a suit with me. I promise I won’t do anything.”

  She shook her head. “I can’t.”

  “Why?” I let the word hang between us like a challenge.

  “I’m afraid.” She turned her head away from me.

  “Of me?” I took her by the shoulders and made her face me.

  “No.” She shook her head again. “I don’t know why, okay? I’m just afraid.”

  I pulled her to me. “Okay. It’s no big deal. I’m sorry if I upset you.”

  “I’m not upset.” She buried her face in my neck.

  “You sound kind of upset.” I kissed her temple.

  “I’m mad at myself. Because I want to. I really, really want to.”

  I had to smile. Her words meant just as much as if she’d stripped down and ran into the water with me. “I’ll be here when you’re ready.” I let her go and raised her camera off her chest. “Don’t you have pictures to take?”

  She smacked my chest. “Yes, but someone keeps trying to get me naked.”

  I laughed and plopped down in the sand. “I’ll stay here and watch. You do your thing.”

  The next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes to what I thought was lightning, but what turned out to be the flash on Lauren’s camera. “You’re cute when you sleep,” she said. “I noticed that the other night, but didn’t want to get up to get my camera.”

  I held my hands out for her to come to me. She sat beside me and let me pull her down on top of me. “Did you get anything good?”

  She shrugged. “A few sand crabs. Nothing great.”

  I threaded my fingers through her silky hair. “My friend, Rob, is having a party tomorrow night. He invited us.”

  “Us?” She looked up at me, surprised.

  “Yeah. Us. I don’t keep you a secret.” I tugged her ladybug charm.

  She ran a finger down my chest. “I need to figure out a way to mark you, so no girls try to steal you from me after I leave.”

  “What other girls? I’ll be spending my time counting the minutes until I see you again.”

  She laughed and leaned her forehead against mine. “Shut up.”

  “I’m serious.” I kissed her and ran my hands up and down her back. “I don’t want to think about it.”

  “Let’s not. It makes me sad.”

  “Me too.”

  Bright flood lights popped on behind her house, barely reaching us on the beach. “Lauren, time to come inside,” her dad called from the patio. Lauren scrambled off of me. “Tell Kolton goodbye.”

  “Okay, Dad.”

  We stood up and brushed the sand off. I pulled my t-shirt back on. Her dad was still watching us. “I think you’re in trouble,” I whispered.

  “I think you’re right.”

  We walked around her house to my car. Just as I squeezed her hand and leaned in to kiss her, the front door opened and her dad stepped out. I kissed her cheek. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  She rolled her eyes and nodded. “Sorry.”

  “It’s my fault. Text me and let me know if you’re in trouble.”

  She glanced up at her dad, then grabbed my face and kissed me. “I don’t care.”

  I got in my car as she ran up the stairs to the front door. Her dad glared at me until I backed out of the driveway and his daughter was inside.

  LAUREN

  “I don’t appreciate that boy molesting my daughter right outside my back door.” Dad slammed the door and locked it. “And I don’t appreciate you throwing it in my face like you just did.”

  He couldn’t be serious. “Kissing my boyfriend goodbye is throwing something in your face?”

  He pointed to the patio. “After what I just saw down there? Yes, Lauren, it’s throwing your…hormones in my face.”

  Mom walked in and sat on a stool at the breakfast bar. “What’s going on?”

  “Your daughter needs a talk about discretion and self-respect with boys.”

  “Self-respect?? You think I don’t have self-respect?”

  He ignored me. “She was down on the beach rolling around in the sand with her boyfriend. His hands were all over her.”

  “What?” I took a step forward. “His hands were not all over me, Dad. Trust me.”

  “They could’ve been.” He slumped down into one of the kitchen chairs and banged his fist on the table.

  “Of course they could’ve been. They weren’t.” I turned to my mom. “Would you say something please? He’s being crazy.”

  She took a deep breath and smoothed the placemat on the counter trying not to laugh. “Lauren, try to be discrete in public. We don’t need the neighbors watching you make out with your boyfriend.” She lifted her eyes to mine. “You know I went next door to visit The Parker’s today.”

  “Yeah. So?” The Parker’s lived here year round. Mr. Parker was a doctor. He worked at the hospital.

  “Dr. Parker was telling me that he works with Kolton’s mom. She’s a nurse.”

  “Really?” I turned away from her and started rummaging in the cupboard for cookies or chocolate. This conversation was making me nervous. My mom using the words “making out” in reference to me called for something fattening. I pulled out a pack of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes.

  “From what he says,” she continued, “they have quite a few issues in their family. What do you know about that?”

  I spun around and leaned against the counter. “Everyone has issues in their family.”

  She glanced at Dad. Something unspoken passed between them before Mom focused on the placemat in front of her, rolling its edges. �
��Yes, but some issues are bigger than others. Did you know his father’s an alcoholic and used to hit Kolton’s mom?”

  “Yes. I knew that. He’s not around anymore though. Problem solved.” I popped open the Little Debbie wrapper so hard it sounded like gunshot in the kitchen.

  “What about his brother?” Dad asked. His eyebrows rose, urging Mom to bring out the big guns.

  “Lauren, did you know Kolton’s brother is mentally ill?” Mom slipped off her stool and came around the counter to stand across from me.

  “Yeah, I guess.” I knew something was going on with him. “So, you have a problem with mentally ill people? They should all be locked up, is that it?”

  She actually laughed. “Of course not. But your father and I don’t think it’s a good idea to be around someone unstable.”

  “Kyle’s not unstable.” I willed my mind away from the knot Kolton had on his jaw. “Isn’t Dr. Parker breaking doctor-patient confidentiality?”

  “Kyle isn’t Dr. Parker’s patient. I asked him if he knew Kolton.”

  “So does he?” I took a bite of Zebra Cake.

  “Yes. He said he’s met Kolton a few times. He told me that Kolton’s mom depends on him a lot.”

  I nodded and chewed, wishing this conversation was over. “And?”

  “Don’t talk with your mouth full,” Dad snapped.

  Mom finally gave up easing into the meat of our talk and folded her arms. “Kolton is a nice boy, Lauren. Your dad and I just want to make sure you know what you’re getting into with him. He has a lot going on in his life.”

  “I know. He’s told me all about his family.”

  Dad took a few steps across the kitchen to snag the last bite of my zebra cake. “Be careful around his brother. We trust your judgment.” He poked my side. “And no more rolling around in the sand. You’re going to give your old man a heart attack.”

  “Don’t talk with food in your mouth,” I said, and stood on tip-toe to kiss his cheek.

  Up in my room after the parental talk, I pulled out my phone and sent Kolton a text.

  Everything’s fine. Talk to you tomorrow.

  I wished Kolton had a family as great as mine.

  KOLTON

  After I left Lauren’s, I went home to crash out. I was so tired, my eyes were blurry. Kyle sat on the couch watching T.V., so I made myself sit down with him. “Listen,” I said, pulling a throw pillow in my lap and realizing I was holding it like a shield in front of me. “I’m sorry about the other day, okay. I should’ve let it go. It’s not worth fighting with you.”

  He scratched his head. His hair was greasy and it looked like he hadn’t showered for days. That was another sign of depression and one Mom and I were supposed to be watching for. But, between work and Lauren, I hadn’t been around much.

  “No big deal.” He picked up the remote and flipped through the channels.

  “You going to Rob’s tomorrow night?” I sat on the edge of the couch and watched my knee bob. What was wrong with me? Why was I ready to jump up and run?

  He shrugged. “Maybe.”

  “I’m taking Lauren.”

  His head snapped in my direction. “You are?”

  “Yeah.” I kept watching him, waiting for his reaction.

  “Tabby’s going to shit.” He turned back to the T.V. and resumed flipping channels. “Mom made another appointment for all of us with my doctor tomorrow. You going to make it this time?”

  “I didn’t know I was supposed to be at your last one. I didn’t forget.”

  “Well, you’re supposed to be at this one. Okay?”

  “I’ll be there. What time?”

  “Ten in the morning. Somebody better wake my ass up.”

  I smacked his leg. “I’ll set my alarm and not only make sure your stinky ass is up, but even give you time to shower.”

  Kyle laughed, and I got Lauren’s text that everything was fine.

  Maybe things would be okay for a while.

  “You’re probably wondering why I asked to speak with you alone.” Kyle’s doctor crossed his legs and leaned back in a leather chair. His office looked less like an office and more like a family room. He even had a big flat screen hanging on the wall.

  “You could say that,” I said.

  “Your mom and Kyle both told me that he’s been having episodes that center on you, and the two of you have had some physical situations lately.”

  “If by physical situations you mean he keeps trying to kick my butt, then yes. We’ve had some physical situations lately. But I know better than to argue with him. The one time I should’ve let it go, and I didn’t. It was my fault.”

  The doctor scratched his beard and smiled at me. “It’s going to get harder, I’m sorry to say. He’s not taking his medication regularly because of the side effects. First, the typical antipsychotic I prescribed made his body jerk involuntarily. Now, the atypical antipsychotic I have him on is making him gain weight. He told me he’s been taking his pills, but I don’t think the outbursts would happen if he were. Plus, he’s started having auditory hallucinations in addition to the delusions.”

  I leaned back in my matching leather chair. “He thought I said I wanted him dead. That’s why he tackled me the first time.”

  “What was going on when that happened?” The doctor tapped his fingers on his armrest.

  “I was in a fight with my ex-girlfriend. He was sticking up for her.”

  The doctor rocked his foot. “Is he protective of this girl?”

  “Protective?” I shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe a little. We’ve all been friends for a few years.” I shifted, not able to settle in my seat. “He told me he wanted to ask her out.”

  The doctor cocked an eyebrow and made a note on his laptop. “Well,” he took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes, “it’s important for you to feel safe. Typically, with loved ones who suffer the brunt of a paranoid schizophrenic’s outbursts, the tendency is to feel guilty if you need help. Don’t feel guilty. If he needs to be hospitalized, you have to do it.” He put his glasses back on and leaned forward. “I don’t think your mother will. I don’t think she’s strong enough to make that decision. A lot of people aren’t. I’m not faulting her. But, I want you to promise me that you’ll put your safety before any ideas of brotherly loyalty.”

  “Hospitalized? You mean, for good?” I didn’t understand. I thought we were going to get this managed. That’s what they’d been telling us—his medical doctor and this one, his psychiatrist.

  “If it comes to that. I don’t believe it will as long as he takes his medication and avoids drugs and alcohol. We should be able to manage his illness.”

  Hospitalization, brotherly loyalty, physical situations.

  I just wanted my brother back. I wanted Kyle. The Kyle I knew. Not this one.

  LAUREN

  The next morning, I found Mom unloading beach towels from the dryer in the utility room below the cottage. “Hey, Mom. Want to go shopping?” I grabbed a towel and held it to my nose feeling the warmth and smelling the fabric softener.

  She stood up with a towel in her hand and smiled, her eyes wide in surprise.

  “Sure,” she said, flinging the towel and snapping the wrinkles out. “Are you going to be around tonight for dinner?

  I invited The Parker’s. I need to go grocery shopping, and I planned on buying some new linen napkins.”

  I tossed the towel I’d folded into the basket. “Sounds fancy. What are we having?”

  “Your dad’s grilling fillet mignon and salmon. Amy and I are making twice baked potatoes, almond green beans and a tossed salad. You want to take charge of dessert?”

  “I know just what to make.” I hoisted the laundry basket into my arms and carried it upstairs thinking about Kristin’s fudgy brownies she taught me how to make.

  “You can invite Kolton,” Mom said, coming in the house behind me. “We’ll have plenty.”

  “Thanks, Mom. I think I will.” I wondered if he’d be up to dinner wi
th my whole family and The Parker’s.

  When I grabbed my sandals and my bag out of my room to go shopping, I sent Kolton a text.

 

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