Lost To Me

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Lost To Me Page 12

by Jamie Blair


  I couldn’t stop smiling as I drove home as fast as I could to change. I couldn’t stop thinking about Kolton kissing and touching me. I cursed the panic that had made me stop him—again. My heart and body wanted the same thing. They just hadn’t talked my brain into it yet.

  Tonight would be my last night at the beach. Tomorrow we’d leave and I’d start scheming to find ways to come back. In an hour I was meeting Kolton at the beach, and then we’d have pizza at the dive pizza place again.

  Mom walked inside from the patio in her blue-and-white-skirted Mom Bathing Suit as I came through the front door. “How’d it go? Did you get the photo you’re entering yet?”

  “No. Not yet. Why are you home already?”

  “Oriann was fussy, so we came home. Why are you back if you haven’t got the picture you’re entering yet?”

  “I wasn’t feeling creative today.” I hung Amy’s keys on the hook by the door.

  “Lauren…”

  “Mom…”

  “You better do it soon.”

  “I will.” I rolled my eyes.

  “What’s the plan for the rest of today?” she asked.

  “The beach.”

  “More photos?” The look on her face told me there was only one correct answer.

  “Yeah. More photos.”

  “And tonight?”

  I shrugged.

  Mom put her hands on my shoulders. “It’s our last night here. Whatever you and Kolton do, just be smart.” She gave me a pointed look then turned and walked back outside. Sometimes it was like she was psychic or something.

  While slipping into my bathing suit, I thought about how I’d left for spring break boyfriend-less, the only dream I had for the week was to take the perfect picture. I’d be returning with Kolton as my boyfriend and a camera filled with memories worth more than any stupid competition.

  I hurried down to the beach where Amy sat under our old, rainbow-striped umbrella giving Oriann a bottle. “I need a favor.”

  “Last night here.” She waggled her eyebrows. “Need some time for a private goodbye?”

  I shoved her and laughed. “Don’t make it sound so dirty.”

  “I’ll get rid of them. There’s a seafood restaurant Dad’s been dying to try. I’ll make them wait until Oriann gets a late nap, so we’ll be gone most of the night.”

  I kissed her cheek. “You’re the coolest.”

  “I know. Just be careful, Lauren. Use protection if tonight’s the night.”

  “I’m not saying it is.” It might be though, I wasn’t sure. Oriann kicked my leg, turned away from her bottle and smiled at me. “I’ll make sure.”

  I jumped up and ran down the beach toward Kolton and our dune.

  KOLTON

  Lauren scooted under the railing on the pier and dangled her legs over the side. I got her a Diet Coke from the vending machine and lowered myself beside her, letting my legs drape over beside hers.

  “Tomorrow I go back to work,” I said, “but today, I’m breaking the rules with you.” I nudged her shoulder with mine. “You’re always getting me into trouble.”

  She didn’t laugh, just kept staring out into the water. After a minute, she hooked her arm through mine. “School Monday.” Her lips twisted into a sneer. “Blah.”

  “I can’t imagine going back. Everything’s different now.”

  “You mean your ex?”

  “I mean you. It’s been a good week.” I ruffled the top of her hair.

  She kicked a leg over top of mine, and I rested a hand on her thigh. Her eyes blinked slowly, her thoughts reflective and deep. She sighed.

  “What are you thinking?” I brushed her hair back and tucked it behind her ear.

  “That I hate being seventeen. I wish I was older. Then I could just move here and be with you all the time.” Her fingers played at my chest, tracing the design on my t-shirt.

  If we were older, I’d ask her to stay. I’d ask her to marry me and be with me forever. “I wish we were older, too.”

  I wrapped both arms around her, and she leaned into me. Her vanilla scent swirled around me as I kissed the top of her head. I held my breath to trap it inside, to keep it with me as long as I could.

  Thankfully, the beach was vacant of other people. It was like they knew we wanted to be alone that last day.

  We made our way down to the beach and spread our towels on the sand. I watched Lauren remove her shirt and shorts, admiring her lean curves. She was completely oblivious to how beautiful she was, and that made her even more so. Her long hair blew loose in the wind, winding around her shoulders. When she stood before me in only a black two-piece bathing suit, she finally realized I’d been staring.

  “Stop!” She giggled nervously and pushed against my chest.

  “My eyes will be stuck to you all day. I don’t know when they’ll be able to see you again.” I grasped her hand and pulled her to me. My lips found her soft shoulder as two military jets blasted overhead.

  Out in the ocean, Lauren lay on a raft, and I hung onto the side. My head rested on her sun-warmed stomach. We drifted and rocked with the waves.

  “I can’t believe you leave in the morning.” I kissed her bellybutton, then filled it with my fingertip. “I hope you come back before summer.”

  Her hands played in my hair. “I’ll make sure of it. When do you think you can come visit me?”

  I let out a deep breath against her skin. “I don’t know. As soon as I can though, I’ll be there.”

  This day, her last day, was supposed to be the best. We were supposed to be happy and having fun, but we were somber and depressed.

  She slid off of the raft. “Kolton, I can’t do this.”

  Panic flooded me. “Do what?”

  “Pretend I’m happy when all I want to do is sit in a dark room and cry.”

  She waded back to shore with me towing the raft behind her. I put a hand on her shoulder.

  “We don’t have to pretend. This sucks. I don’t want you to go. I’m depressed as hell about it.”

  The bright sun mocked us, shining down like a big ball of hope. I wished it would storm again.

  I watched her toe trace a line in the sand. “Want to play Monopoly?” she asked, peering up at me with shy eyes, willing me to get her true meaning.

  A wide smile stretched across my face. “Code word Monopoly?”

  She flushed, a little embarrassed. I couldn’t wait to be alone with her. With any luck, her family would be out for the day and her house would be empty.

  LAUREN

  Bittersweet flames licked my body.

  Amy was true to her word. Mom and Dad weren’t home. Kolton and I were on my bed.

  If my body and heart overruled my mind, I’d let Kolton take me to places I’d never been. I wanted it to happen, but my soul knew if I got that close to him, it would kill me to leave in the morning.

  Lying on top of him in my bathing suit, I let him unhook my bikini top. He tugged it off and tossed it to the floor. I felt more of his skin against my own than ever before. I felt how much he wanted this to happen.

  “Tell me when to stop,” he panted.

  “I don’t want you to.” I looked deep into his eyes.

  He rolled me off of him onto my back and kissed my neck. His fingers stroked across my chest and down my stomach to the waistband of my bikini bottoms. He lifted his head and looked at me questioningly.

  In answer, I grabbed his face and pressed my lips against his as his hand slid inside my bottoms.

  Everything was so right—felt so good—and I wanted him so much, I thought I might die if we didn’t do it. My only problem was what tomorrow would bring.

  Loneliness. Would I go crazy being so far away from him after being so close?

  I pulled my lips away. “Kolton?”

  “Do you want to stop?”

  “No. But, I won’t be able to leave you in the morning if we do it. It’ll kill me.” Tears trickled from my eyes, and a lump filled my throat. “I don’t want
to leave you.”

  “Shh. It’s okay.” He rolled us back over and rubbed my back. Stroking my hair, he lowered my head to his shoulder. “Just lay here with me. This doesn’t have to happen today. It’s better if it doesn’t.”

  Tears dropped from my eyes, rolled down his bare chest, and slid onto my comforter. I traced their tracks with my fingertip. He kissed my head, and I placed my palm over his heart.

  “I miss you already,” I whispered.

  “I miss you, too.”

  “Why can’t we just stay right here like this forever?” I kissed his chest, warm and wet from my tears.

  “Someday we can.” He moved my hair off the back of my neck and rolled my necklace chain between his fingers.

  “Someday takes too long to get here.” My fingers traced his lips.

  “We can make it.” He wrapped both arms around me and held me tight. “I’ll call you every day. Twenty times.” His laugh echoed in his chest.

  Kolton’s fingers massaged my head. It was so relaxing; I found it hard to keep my eyes open, and dropped off to sleep. When I woke, it was late afternoon, and he was asleep in my arms. His soft, steady breathing lulled me, and made me want to close my eyes again.

  But, sleeping was wasting time. My eyes ran over his lips, soft and delicate, and my own lips tingled, knowing the passion in his kiss. His lashes fanned, long and black, below his closed eyes. His ears cupped perfectly against his head, and his nose was irresistible. I gently touched the tip of my own against it.

  He stirred, but didn’t wake. I watched him sleep for another hour before he rolled toward me. When I wrapped my arms around him, he woke.

  “Hi,” I said.

  He smiled. “How long was I asleep?”

  I shrugged. “I was sleeping too, but I woke up about an hour ago.”

  “What time is it?”

  “Seven.” I let go as he sat up.

  “I’m sorry.” He shook his head, trying to wake up. “You should’ve waked me.”

  I sat up on my knees behind him and put my arms around his neck. “I wanted to watch you sleep.”

  He ran his hands up my arms. My hair fell over his shoulder. “Lauren?” He turned and pulled me down into his arms, lying across his lap. “I love you.”

  Time stopped right then.

  Kolton loved me.

  “I love you, too.”

  KOLTON

  The fireflies had retreated to the trees. Only a few remained over the lake. We lay on the dock. My arms held her as we waited for the light to fade, and the darkness to take over.

  “Close your eyes,” she said.

  I smiled and closed them. “What are you up to?”

  She tied a leather cord around my neck, and let something fall onto my chest. I opened my eyes. It was a shell.

  I rubbed it between my fingers, feeling its smooth texture, like Lauren’s skin.

  “It’s one of the shells I picked up the first night we went out.” She waited for my reaction.

  I squeezed it in my hand. She had no idea how much it meant to me. A promise right there, around my neck. “Thank you.”

  My serious expression must have given off the wrong impression.

  “You don’t have to keep it if you don’t like it,” she said and turned from me. “It’s no big deal.”

  I took her chin and turned her face toward me. “Lauren, I love it. Nobody’s ever given me something like this before, something that means this much. When I don’t have you, I’ll have this.”

  I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed as hard as I could. A whimper escaped her. I held her back to see her face.

  “Are you alright?” I asked. She shook her head. “I’m not either.”

  The breeze blew her hair. The sun had disappeared, stars shined bright overhead. She stayed in my arms. I traced my thumb back and forth across her shoulder. The in and out of our breathing was in sync. Her heart beat against mine. School, friends, everything seemed a lifetime away. All I needed was Lauren, and she had to leave.

  “Kole!”

  My name came to us, very faint, through the trees.

  “Kole!”

  “Shit.” I loosened my arms and began to get up. “My mom.”

  “Kole!”

  “I’m sorry. I’ll be right--”

  “There you are!” Mom stormed through the trees, walking full speed toward the edge of the water. She stopped short when she saw me with Lauren. Her lips drew tight. “Mr. Tulane called. You were supposed to work tonight.”

  “No. I have off until tomorrow.” I pulled Lauren up onto her feet beside me.

  “Hello, Lauren,” Mom said in a stiff voice.

  “Hi.”

  I watched Lauren’s foot slide in and out of her flip-flop.

  “You better call and straighten this out,” Mom said, then left, back through the trees. I took Lauren’s hands. “I just wanted more time with you. I work all the time.”

  She shrugged. One side of her mouth drew down into a frown. “Your mom needs your help.”

  “I hope you need me, too.”

  She met my eyes and smiled. “More than anything.”

  I kissed her. Her lips were tender and warm. “I have to take you home,” I murmured.

  “I know.”

  My heart wrenched. This was it, our last moments together.

  LAUREN

  I watched Kolton pull away from me for God only knew how long. A landslide of sadness tumbled over me. Heavy boulders of grief relentlessly pummeled on top of my chest.

  I cried myself to sleep that night, weeping like a little girl into my pillow, the pillow that taunted me with Kolton’s scent.

  KOLTON

  Being at school the day after Spring Break was nothing like being at school before Spring Break. Before, Tabby still held out hope for us and my friends weren’t treating me like some traitor. Now, I was the one breaking up the group and ruining the last few months of our senior year.

  “What about The Switchbacks?” Rob stood next to my locker pulled between being a loyal friend to me and glancing down the hall to where Matt and Amber stood with Tabby and the rest of the cheerleaders and basketball players in front of the gym.

  “I told you. I’m out on The Switchbacks.” I tugged my history book out and shut my locker. “Sorry. Can’t do it.”

  He nodded and scuffed his foot, tapping the toe of his Chuck Taylor against my locker. “Are you asking Lauren to prom?”

  The thought made me want to puke. Prom posters had been up on the walls since before break. It was the one issue Tabby hadn’t been forcing for some reason. She was probably saving it as a last resort, because Matt and Rob would push me to go to the biggest party of the year, giving her more ammunition. “I’d love to, but your party was all the proof I needed that my friends don’t support my decisions, so no.”

  “What? No, don’t give me that shit, man. Tabby was the one who went nuts, nobody else did. And what did you think would happen? It was a party, so obviously she’d be drinking, and the girl wants you back. Bringing Lauren was just asking for it.”

  “You asked me to bring her. You wanted to meet her, remember?” I turned and started down the hallway.

  “I was being a supportive friend. Sue me.”

  I walked into first period wondering how many days I could skip and still graduate.

  By lunch, everyone was talking about prom. I made my way through the lunch line and filled a tray with pizza, yogurt and chocolate milk. Coming out of the line, I headed toward our table—me, Rob, Matt, Amber and Tabby’s table—out of habit. I hesitated for a second wondering if I was still welcome. Rob lifted a hand and motioned me over.

  “Forget where to sit?” he asked as I sat my tray beside his.

  “Something like that.”

  Matt slid down a chair, away from Amber, and sat across from me. “How’s work going?”

  “It’s going.” I opened my milk and took a swig. Interaction with Matt and Rob today felt forced, which made me feel li
ke shit. I’d been friends with these guys since elementary school. Since little league. Since Lauren left my life when we were eight.

 

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