It was not the busy bar, full to overflowing with honest British yeomen—many of them in a similar condition—that Baxter sought. His goal was the genteel dining-room on the first floor, where a bald and shuffling waiter, own cousin to a tortoise, served luncheon to those desiring it. Lack of sleep had reduced Baxter to a condition where the presence and chatter of the house party were insupportable. It was his purpose to lunch at the Emsworth Arms and take a nap in an armchair afterward.
He had relied on having the room to himself, for Market Blandings did not lunch to a great extent; but to his annoyance and disappointment the room was already occupied by a man in brown tweeds.
Occupied is the correct word, for at first sight this man seemed to fill the room. Never since almost forgotten days when he used to frequent circuses and side shows, had Baxter seen a fellow human being so extraordinarily obese. He was a man about fifty years old, gray-haired, of a mauve complexion, and his general appearance suggested joviality.
To Baxter’s chagrin, this person engaged him in conversation directly he took his seat at the table. There was only one table in the room, as is customary in English inns, and it had the disadvantage that it collected those seated at it into one party. It was impossible for Baxter to withdraw into himself and ignore this person’s advances.
It is doubtful whether he could have done it, however, had they been separated by yards of floor, for the fat man was not only naturally talkative but, as appeared from his opening remarks, speech had been dammed up within him for some time by lack of a suitable victim.
“Morning!” he began; “nice day. Good for the farmers. I’ll move up to your end of the table if I may, sir. Waiter, bring my beef to this gentleman’s end of the table.”
He creaked into a chair at Baxter’s side and resumed:
“Infernally quiet place, this, sir. I haven’t found a soul to speak to since I arrived yesterday afternoon except deaf-and-dumb rustics. Are you making a long stay here?”
“I live outside the town.”
“I pity you. Wouldn’t care to do it myself. Had to come here on business and shan’t be sorry when it’s finished. I give you my word I couldn’t sleep a wink last night because of the quiet. I was just dropping off when a beast of a bird outside the window gave a chirrup, and it brought me up with a jerk as though somebody had fired a gun. There’s a damned cat somewhere near my room that mews. I lie in bed waiting for the next mew, all worked up.
“Heaven save me from the country! It may be all right for you, if you’ve got a comfortable home and a pal or two to chat with after dinner; but you’ve no conception what it’s like in this infernal town—I suppose it calls itself a town. What a hole! There’s a church down the street. I’m told it’s Norman or something. Anyway, it’s old. I’m not much of a man for churches as a rule, but I went and took a look at it.
“Then somebody told me there was a fine view from the end of High Street; so I went and took a look at that. And now, so far as I can make out, I’ve done the sights and exhausted every possibility of entertainment the town has to provide—unless there’s another church. I’m so reduced that I’ll go and see the Methodist Chapel, if there is one.”
Fresh air, want of sleep and the closeness of the dining-room combined to make Baxter drowsy. He ate his lunch in a torpor, hardly replying to his companion’s remarks, who, for his part, did not seem to wish or to expect replies. It was enough for him to be talking.
“What do people do with themselves in a place like this? When they want amusement, I mean. I suppose it’s different if you’ve been brought up to it. Like being born color-blind or something. You don’t notice. It’s the visitor who suffers. They’ve no enterprise in this sort of place. There’s a bit of land just outside here that would make a sweet steeplechase course; natural barriers; everything. It hasn’t occurred to ‘em to do anything with it. It makes you despair of your species—that sort of thing. Now if I—”
Baxter dozed. With his fork still impaling a piece of cold beef, he dropped into that half-awake, half-asleep state which is Nature’s daytime substitute for the true slumber of the night. The fat man, either not noticing or not caring, talked on. His voice was a steady drone, lulling Baxter to rest.
Suddenly there was a break. Baxter sat up, blinking. He had a curious impression that his companion had said “Hello, Freddie!” and that the door had just opened and closed.
“Eh?” he said.
“Yes?” said the fat man.
“What did you say?”
“I was speaking of—”
“I thought you said, ‘Hello, Freddie!’”
His companion eyed him indulgently.
“I thought you were dropping off when I looked at you. You’ve been dreaming. What should I say, ‘Hello, Freddie!’ for?”
The conundrum was unanswerable. Baxter did not attempt to answer it. But there remained at the back of his mind a quaint idea that he had caught sight, as he woke, of the Honorable Frederick Threepwood, his face warningly contorted, vanishing through the doorway. Yet what could the Honorable Freddie be doing at the Emsworth Arms?
A solution of the difficulty occurred to him: he had dreamed he had seen Freddie and that had suggested the words which, reason pointed out, his companion could hardly have spoken. Even if the Honorable Freddie should enter the room, this fat man, who was apparently a drummer of some kind, would certainly not know who he was, nor would he address him so familiarly.
Yes, that must be the explanation. After all, the quaintest things happened in dreams. Last night, when he had fallen asleep in his chair, he had dreamed that he was sitting in a glass case in the museum, making faces at Lord Emsworth, Mr. Peters, and Beach, the butler, who were trying to steal him, under the impression that he was a scarab of the reign of Cheops of the Fourth Dynasty—a thing he would never have done when awake. Yes; he must certainly have been dreaming.
In the bedroom into which he had dashed to hide himself, on discovering that the dining-room was in possession of the Efficient Baxter, the Honorable Freddie sat on a rickety chair, scowling. He elaborated a favorite dictum of his:
“You can’t take a step anywhere without stumbling over that damn feller, Baxter!”
He wondered whether Baxter had seen him. He wondered whether Baxter had recognized him. He wondered whether Baxter had heard R. Jones say, “Hello, Freddie!”
He wondered, if such should be the case, whether R. Jones’ presence of mind and native resource had been equal to explaining away the remark.
CHAPTER VIII
“‘Put the butter or drippings in a kettle on the range, and when hot add the onions and fry them; add the veal and cook until brown. Add the water, cover closely, and cook very slowly until the meat is tender; then add the seasoning and place the potatoes on top of the meat. Cover and cook until the potatoes are tender, but not falling to pieces.’”
“Sure,” said Mr. Peters—“not falling to pieces. That’s right. Go on.”
“‘Then add the cream and cook five minutes longer’” read Ashe.
“Is that all?”
“That’s all of that one.”
Mr. Peters settled himself more comfortably in bed.
“Read me the piece where it tells about curried lobster.”
Ashe cleared his throat.
“‘Curried Lobster,’” he read. “‘Materials: Two one-pound lobsters, two teaspoonfuls lemon juice, half a spoonful curry powder, two tablespoonfuls butter, a tablespoonful flour, one cupful scalded milk, one cupful cracker crumbs, half teaspoonful salt, quarter teaspoonful pepper.’”
“Go on.”
“‘Way of Preparing: Cream the butter and flour and add the scalded milk; then add the lemon juice, curry powder, salt and pepper. Remove the lobster meat from the shells and cut into half-inch cubes.’”
“Half-inch cubes,” sighed Mr. Peters wistfully. “Yes?”
“‘Add the latter to the sauce.’”
“You didn’t say anything about the l
atter. Oh, I see; it means the half-inch cubes. Yes?”
“‘Refill the lobster shells, cover with buttered crumbs, and bake until the crumbs are brown. This will serve six persons.’”
“And make them feel an hour afterward as though they had swallowed a live wild cat,” said Mr. Peters ruefully.
“Not necessarily,” said Ashe. “I could eat two portions of that at this very minute and go off to bed and sleep like a little child.”
Mr. Peters raised himself on his elbow and stared at him. They were in the millionaire’s bedroom, the time being one in the morning, and Mr. Peters had expressed a wish that Ashe should read him to sleep. He had voted against Ashe’s novel and produced from the recesses of his suitcase a much-thumbed cookbook. He explained that since his digestive misfortunes had come on him he had derived a certain solace from its perusal.
It may be that to some men sorrow’s crown of sorrow is remembering happier things; but Mr. Peters had not found that to be the case. In his hour of affliction it soothed him to read of Hungarian Goulash and escaloped brains, and to remember that he, too, the nut-and-grass eater of today, had once dwelt in Arcadia.
The passage of the days, which had so sapped the stamina of the efficient Baxter, had had the opposite effect on Mr. Peters. His was one of those natures that cannot deal in half measures. Whatever he did, he did with the same driving energy. After the first passionate burst of resistance he had settled down into a model pupil in Ashe’s one-man school of physical culture. It had been the same, now that he came to look back on it, at Muldoon’s.
Now that he remembered, he had come away from White Plains hoping, indeed, never to see the place again, but undeniably a different man physically. It was not the habit of Professor Muldoon to let his patients loaf; but Mr. Peters, after the initial plunge, had needed no driving. He had worked hard at his cure then, because it was the job in hand. He worked hard now, under the guidance of Ashe, because, once he had begun, the thing interested and gripped him.
Ashe, who had expected continued reluctance, had been astonished and delighted at the way in which the millionaire had behaved. Nature had really intended Ashe for a trainer; he identified himself so thoroughly with his man and rejoiced at the least signs of improvement.
In Mr. Peters’ case there had been distinct improvement already. Miracles do not happen nowadays, and it was too much to expect one who had maltreated his body so consistently for so many years to become whole in a day; but to an optimist like Ashe signs were not wanting that in due season Mr. Peters would rise on stepping-stones of his dead self to higher things, and though never soaring into the class that devours lobster a la Newburg and smiles after it, might yet prove himself a devil of a fellow among the mutton chops.
“You’re a wonder!” said Mr. Peters. “You’re fresh, and you have no respect for your elders and betters; but you deliver the goods. That’s the point. Why, I’m beginning to feel great! Say, do you know I felt a new muscle in the small of my back this morning? They are coming out on me like a rash.”
“That’s the Larsen Exercises. They develop the whole body.”
“Well, you’re a pretty good advertisement for them if they need one. What were you before you came to me—a prize-fighter?”
“That’s the question everybody I have met since I arrived here has asked me. I believe it made the butler think I was some sort of crook when I couldn’t answer it. I used to write stories—detective stories.”
“What you ought to be doing is running a place over here in England like Muldoon has back home. But you will be able to write one more story out of this business here, if you want to. When are you going to have another try for my scarab?”
“To-night.”
“To-night? How about Baxter?”
“I shall have to risk Baxter.”
Mr. Peters hesitated. He had fallen out of the habit of being magnanimous during the past few years, for dyspepsia brooks no divided allegiance and magnanimity has to take a back seat when it has its grip on you.
“See here,” he said awkwardly; “I’ve been thinking this over lately—and what’s the use? It’s a queer thing; and if anybody had told me a week ago that I should be saying it I wouldn’t have believed him; but I am beginning to like you. I don’t want to get you into trouble. Let the old scarab go. What’s a scarab anyway? Forget about it and stick on here as my private Muldoon. If it’s the five thousand that’s worrying you, forget that too. I’ll give it to you as your fee.”
Ashe was astounded. That it could really be his peppery employer who spoke was almost unbelievable. Ashe’s was a friendly nature and he could never be long associated with anyone without trying to establish pleasant relations; but he had resigned himself in the present case to perpetual warfare.
He was touched; and if he had ever contemplated abandoning his venture, this, he felt, would have spurred him on to see it through. This sudden revelation of the human in Mr. Peters was like a trumpet call.
“I wouldn’t think of it,” he said. “It’s great of you to suggest such a thing; but I know just how you feel about the thing, and I’m going to get it for you if I have to wring Baxter’s neck. Probably Baxter will have given up waiting as a bad job by now if he has been watching all this while. We’ve given him ten nights to cool off. I expect he is in bed, dreaming pleasant dreams. It’s nearly two o’clock. I’ll wait another ten minutes and then go down.” He picked up the cookbook.
“Lie back and make yourself comfortable, and I’ll read you to sleep first.”
“You’re a good boy,” said Mr. Peters drowsily.
“Are you ready? ‘Pork Tenderloin Larded. Half pound fat pork—’” A faint smile curved Mr. Peters’ lips. His eyes were closed and he breathed softly. Ashe went on in a low voice: “‘four large pork tenderloins, one cupful cracker crumbs, one cupful boiling water, two tablespoonfuls butter, one teaspoonful salt, half teaspoonful pepper, one teaspoonful poultry seasoning.’”
A little sigh came from the bed.
“‘Way of Preparing: Wipe the tenderloins with a damp cloth. With a sharp knife make a deep pocket lengthwise in each tenderloin. Cut your pork into long thin strips and, with a needle, lard each tenderloin. Melt the butter in the water, add the seasoning and the cracker crumbs, combining all thoroughly. Now fill each pocket in the tenderloin with this stuffing. Place the tenderloins—’”
A snore sounded from the pillows, punctuating the recital like a mark of exclamation. Ashe laid down the book and peered into the darkness beyond the rays of the bed lamp. His employer slept.
Ashe switched off the light and crept to the door. Out in the passage he stopped and listened. All was still. He stole downstairs.
* * *
George Emerson sat in his bedroom in the bachelors’ wing of the castle smoking a cigarette. A light of resolution was in his eyes. He glanced at the table beside his bed and at what was on that table, and the light of resolution flamed into a glare of fanatic determination. So might a medieval knight have looked on the eve of setting forth to rescue a maiden from a dragon.
His cigarette burned down. He looked at his watch, put it back, and lit another cigarette. His aspect was the aspect of one waiting for the appointed hour. Smoking his second cigarette, he resumed his meditations. They had to do with Aline Peters.
George Emerson was troubled about Aline Peters. Watching over her, as he did, with a lover’s eye, he had perceived that about her which distressed him. On the terrace that morning she had been abrupt to him—what in a girl of less angelic disposition one might have called snappy. Yes, to be just, she had snapped at him. That meant something. It meant that Aline was not well. It meant what her pallor and tired eyes meant—that the life she was leading was doing her no good.
Eleven nights had George dined at Blandings Castle, and on each of the eleven nights he had been distressed to see the manner in which Aline, declining the baked meats, had restricted herself to the miserable vegetable messes which were all that doctor’s
orders permitted to her suffering father. George’s pity had its limits. His heart did not bleed for Mr. Peters. Mr. Peters’ diet was his own affair. But that Aline should starve herself in this fashion, purely by way of moral support for her parent, was another matter.
George was perhaps a shade material. Himself a robust young man and taking what might be called an outsize in meals, he attached perhaps too much importance to food as an adjunct to the perfect life. In his survey of Aline he took a line through his own requirements; and believing that eleven such dinners as he had seen Aline partake of would have killed him he decided that his loved one was on the point of starvation.
No human being, he held, could exist on such Barmecide feasts. That Mr. Peters continued to do so did not occur to him as a flaw in his reasoning. He looked on Mr. Peters as a sort of machine. Successful business men often give that impression to the young. If George had been told that Mr. Peters went along on gasoline, like an automobile, he would not have been much surprised. But that Aline—his Aline—should have to deny herself the exercise of that mastication of rich meats which, together with the gift of speech, raises man above the beasts of the field—That was what tortured George.
He had devoted the day to thinking out a solution of the problem. Such was the overflowing goodness of Aline’s heart that not even he could persuade her to withdraw her moral support from her father and devote herself to keeping up her strength as she should do. It was necessary to think of some other plan.
And then a speech of hers had come back to him. She had said—poor child:
“I do get a little hungry sometimes—late at night generally.”
The problem was solved. Food should be brought to her late at night.
On the table by his bed was a stout sheet of packing paper. On this lay, like one of those pictures in still life that one sees on suburban parlor walls, a tongue, some bread, a knife, a fork, salt, a corkscrew and a small bottle of white wine.
Blanding Castle Omnibus Page 16