I suppose the only thing to do is to put the salient facts as briefly as possible in the possession of the first gang, waving an apologetic hand at the second gang the while, to indicate that they had better let their attention wander for a minute or two and that I will be with them shortly.
This Gussie, then, was a fish-faced pal of mine who, on reaching man's estate, had buried himself in the country and devoted himself entirely to the study of newts, keeping the little chaps in a glass tank and observing their habits with a sedulous eye. A confirmed recluse you would have called him, if you had happened to know the word, and you would have been right. By all the rulings of the form book, a less promising prospect for the whispering of tender words into shell-like ears and the subsequent purchase of platinum ring and licence for wedding it would have seemed impossible to discover in a month of Sundays.
But Love will find a way. Meeting Madeline Bassett one day and falling for her like a ton of bricks, he had emerged from his retirement and started to woo, and after numerous vicissitudes had clicked and was slated at no distant date to don the spongebag trousers and gardenia for buttonhole and walk up the aisle with the ghastly girl.
I call her a ghastly girl because she was a ghastly girl. The Woosters are chivalrous, but they can speak their minds. A droopy, soupy, sentimental exhibit, with melting eyes and a cooing voice and the most extraordinary views on such things as stars and rabbits. I remember her telling me once that rabbits were gnomes in attendance on the Fairy Queen and that the stars were God's daisy chain. Perfect rot, of course. They're nothing of the sort.
Aunt Dahlia emitted a low, rumbling chuckle, for that speech of Gussie's down at Market Snodsbury has always been one of her happiest memories.
'Good old Spink-Bottle! Where is he now?'
'Staying at the Bassett's father's place – Totleigh Towers, Totleigh-in-the-Wold, Glos. He went back there this morning. They're having the wedding at the local church.'
'Are you going to it?'
'Definitely no.'
'No, I suppose it would be too painful for you. You being in love with the girl.'
I stared.
'In love? With a female who thinks that every time a fairy blows its wee nose a baby is born?'
'Well, you were certainly engaged to her once.'
'For about five minutes, yes, and through no fault of my own. My dear old relative,' I said, nettled, 'you are perfectly well aware of the inside facts of that frightful affair.'
I winced. It was an incident in my career on which I did not care to dwell. Briefly, what had occurred was this. His nerve sapped by long association with newts, Gussie had shrunk from pleading his cause with Madeline Bassett, and had asked me to plead it for him. And when I did so, the fat-headed girl thought I was pleading mine. With the result that when, after that exhibition of his at the prize giving, she handed Gussie the temporary mitten, she had attached herself to me, and I had had no option but to take the rap. I mean to say, if a girl has got it into her nut that a fellow loves her, and comes and tells him that she is returning hex fiancé to store and is now prepared to sign up with him, what can a chap do?
Mercifully, things had been straightened out at the eleventh hour by a reconciliation between the two pills, but the thought of my peril was one at which I still shuddered. I wasn't going to feel really easy in my mind till the parson had said: 'Wilt thou, Augustus?' and Gussie had whispered a shy 'Yes.'
'Well, if it is of any interest to you,' said Aunt Dahlia, 'I am not proposing to attend that wedding myself. I disapprove of Sir Watkyn Bassett, and don't think he ought to be encouraged. There's one of the boys, if you want one!'
'You know the old crumb, then?' I said, rather surprised, though of course it bore out what I often say – viz. that it's a small world.
'Yes, I know him. He's a friend of Tom's. They both collect old silver and snarl at one another like wolves about it all the time. We had him staying at Brinkley last month. And would you care to hear how he repaid me for all the loving care I lavished on him while he was my guest? Sneaked round behind my back and tried to steal Anatole!'
'No!'
'That's what he did. Fortunately, Anatole proved staunch – after I had doubled his wages.'
'Double them again,' I said earnestly. 'Keep on doubling them. Pour out money like water rather than lose that superb master of the roasts and hashes.'
I was visibly affected. The thought of Anatole, that peerless disher-up, coming within an ace of ceasing to operate at Brinkley Court, where I could always enjoy his output by inviting myself for a visit, and going off to serve under old Bassett, the last person in the world likely to set out a knife and fork for Bertram, had stirred me profoundly.
'Yes,' said Aunt Dahlia, her eye smouldering as she brooded on the frightful thing, 'that's the sort of hornswoggling highbinder Sir Watkyn Bassett is. You had better warn Spink-Bottle to watch out on the wedding day. The slightest relaxation of vigilance, and the old thug will probably get away with his tiepin in the vestry. And now,' she said, reaching out for what had the appearance of being a thoughtful essay on the care of the baby in sickness and in health, 'push off. I've got about six tons of proofs to correct. Oh, and give this to Jeeves, when you see him. It's the "Husbands' Corner" article. It's full of deep stuff about braid on the side of men's dress trousers, and I'd like him to vet it. For all I know, it may be Red propaganda. And I can rely on you not to bungle that job? Tell me in your own words what it is you're supposed to do.'
'Go to antique shop –'
'– in the Brompton Road –'
'– in, as you say, the Brompton Road. Ask to see cow-creamer–'
'– and sneer. Right. Buzz along. The door is behind you.'
It was with a light heart that I went out into the street and hailed a passing barouche. Many men, no doubt, might have been a bit sick at having their morning cut into in this fashion, but I was conscious only of pleasure at the thought that I had it in my power to perform this little act of kindness. Scratch Bertram Wooster, I often say, and you find a Boy Scout.
The antique shop in the Brompton Road proved, as foreshadowed, to be an antique shop in the Brompton Road and, like all antique shops except the swanky ones in the Bond Street neighbourhood, dingy outside and dark and smelly within. I don't know why it is, but the proprietors of these establishments always seem to be cooking some sort of stew in the back room.
'I say,' I began, entering; then paused as I perceived that the bloke in charge was attending to two other customers.
'Oh, sorry,' I was about to add, to convey the idea that I had horned in inadvertently, when the words froze on my lips.
Quite a slab of misty fruitfulness had drifted into the emporium, obscuring the view, but in spite of the poor light I was able to note that the smaller and elder of these two customers was no stranger to me.
It was old Pop Bassett in person. Himself. Not a picture.
Also available in Arrow
The Code of the Woosters
P.G. Wodehouse
A Jeeves and Wooster novel
When Bertie Wooster goes to Totleigh Towers to pour oil on
the troubled waters of a lovers breach between Madeline Bassett
and Gussie Fink-Nottle, he isn't expecting to see Aunt Dahlia
there – nor to be instructed by her to steal some silver. But
purloining the antique cow creamer from under the baleful nose
of Sir Watkyn Bassett is the least of Bertie's tasks. He has to
restore true love to both Madeline and Gussie and to the Revd
Stinker Pinker and Stiffy Byng – and confound the insane
ambitions of would-be Dictator Roderick Spode and his Black
Shorts. It's a situation that only Jeeves can unravel ...
Also available in Arrow
The Heart of a Goof
P.G. Wodehouse
A Golf collection
From his favourite chair on the terrace above the ninth hole,
>
The Oldest Member tells a series of hilarious golfing stories.
From Evangeline, Bradbury Fisher's fifth wife and a notorious
'golfing giggler', to poor Rollo Podmarsh whose game was so
unquestionably inept that 'he began to lose his appetite and
would moan feebly at the sight of a poached egg', the game of
golf, its players and their friends and enemies are here shown in
all their comic glory.
Also available in Arrow
Full Moon
P.G. Wodehouse
A Blandings novel
When the moon is full at Blandings, strange things happen:
among them the painting of a portrait of The Empress, twice in
succession winner in the Fat Pigs Class at the Shropshire
Agricultural Show. What better choice of artist, in Lord
Emsworth's opinion, than Landseer. The renowned painter of
The Stag at Bay may have been dead for decades, but that doesn't
prevent Galahad Threepwood from introducing him to the castle
– or rather introducing Bill Lister, Gally's godson, so desperately
in love with Prudence that he's determined to enter Blandings in
yet another imposture. Add a gaggle of fearsome aunts, uncles
and millionaires, mix in Freddie Threepwood, Beach the Butler
and the gardener McAllister, and the moon is full indeed.
The P G Wodehouse Society (UK)
The P G Wodehouse Society (UK) was formed in 1997 to
promote the enjoyment of the writings of the twentieth
century's greatest humorist. The Society publishes a quarterly
magazine, Wooster Sauce, which includes articles, features,
reviews, and current Society news. Occasional special papers
are also published. Society events include regular meetings in
central London, cricket matches and a formal biennial dinner,
along with other activities. The Society actively supports the
preservation of the Berkshire pig, a rare breed, in honour of
the incomparable Empress of Blandings.
MEMBERSHIP ENQUIRIES
Membership of the Society is open to applicants from
all parts of the world. The cost of a year's membership
in 2008 is £15. Enquiries and requests for membership
forms should be made to the Membership Secretary,
The P G Wodehouse Society (UK), 26 Radcliffe Rd,
Croydon, Surrey, CR0 5QE, or alternatively from
[email protected]
The Society's website can be viewed at
www.pgwodehousesociety.org.uk
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www.wodehouse.co.uk
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Table of Contents
CoverCopyright
About the Author
Some of the P.G. Wodehouse titles
Contents
Dedication
Preface
Summer Lightning
1 Trouble Brewing at Blandings2 The Course of True Love
3 Sensational Theft of a Pig
4 Noticeable Behaviour of Ronald Fish
5 A Phone Call for Hugo
6 Sue Has an Idea
7 A Job for Percy Pilbeam
8 The Storm Clouds Hover over Blandings
9 Enter Sue
10 A Shock for Sue11 More Shocks for Sue
12 Activities of Beach the Butler
13 Cocktails Before Dinner
14 Swift Thinking by the Efficient Baxter
15 Over the Telephone
16 Lovers’ Meeting
17 Spirited Conduct of Lord Emsworth
18 Painful Scene in a Bedroom
19 Gally Takes Matters in Hand
Other Books by P. G. Wodehouse
Also available in Arrow
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Version 1.0
Epub ISBN 9781409064619
www.randomhouse.co.uk
Published by Arrow Books 2008
1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2
Copyright by The Trustees of the Wodehouse Estate
All rights reserved
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser
First published in the United Kingdom in 1929 by Herbert Jenkins Ltd
Arrow Books
The Random House Group Limited
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www.wodehouse.co.uk
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A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN 9780099513827
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The author of almost a hundred books and the creator of Jeeves, Blandings Castle, Psmith, Ukridge, Uncle Fred and Mr Mulliner, P.G. Wodehouse was born in 1881 and educated at Dulwich College. After two years with the Hong Kong and Shanghai Bank he became a full-time writer, contributing to a variety of periodicals including Punch and the Globe. He married in 1914. As well as his novels and short stories, he wrote lyrics for musical comedies with Guy Bolton and Jerome Kern, and at one time had five musicals running simultaneously on Broadway. His time in Hollywood also provided much source material for fiction.
At the age of 93, in the New Year’s Honours List of 1975, he received a long-overdue knighthood, only to die on St Valentine’s Day some 45 days later.
Some of the P.G. Wodehouse titles to be published by Arrow in 2008
JEEVES
The Inimitable Jeeves
Carry On, Jeeves
Very Good, Jeeves
Thank You, Jeeves
Right Ho, Jeeves
The Code of the Woosters
Joy in the Morning
The Mating Season
Ring for Jeeves
Jeeves and the Feudal Spirit
Jeeves in the Offing
Stiff Upper Lip, Jeeves
Much Obliged, Jeeves
Aunts Aren’t Gentlemen
BLANDINGS
Something Fresh
Leave it to Psmith
Summer Lightning
Blandings Castle
Uncle Fred in the Springtime
Full Moon
Pigs Have Wings
Service with a Smile
A Pelican at Blandings
MULLINER
Meet Mr Mulliner
Mulliner Nights
Mr Mulliner Speaking
UNCLE FRED
Cocktail Time
Uncle Dynamite
GOLF
The Clicking of Cuthbert
The Heart of a Goof
OTHERS
Piccadilly Jim
Ukridge
The Luck of the Bodkins
Laughing Gas
A Damsel in Distress
The Small Bachelor
Hot Water
Summer Moonshine
The Adventures of Sally
Money for Nothing
The Girl in Blue
Big Money
CONTENTS
1 TROUBLE BREWING AT BLANDINGS2 THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE
3 SENSATIONAL THEFT OF A PIG
4 NOTICEABLE BEHAVIOUR OF RONALD FISH
5 A PHONE CALL FOR HUGO
6 SUE HAS AN IDEA
7 A JOB FOR PERCY PILBEAM
8 THE STORM CLOUDS HOVER OVER BLANDINGS
9 ENTER SUE
10 A SHOCK FOR SUE11 MORE SHOCKS FOR SUE
12 ACTIVITIES OF BEACH THE BUTLER
13 COCKTAILS BEFORE DINNER
14 SWIFT THINKING BY THE EFFICIENT BAXTER
15 OVER THE TELEPHONE
16 LOVERS’ MEETING
17 SPIRITED CONDUCT OF LORD EMSWORTH
18 PAINFUL SCENE IN A BEDROOM
19 GALLY TAKES MATTERS IN HAND
ToDENIS MACKAIL
Author of Greenery Street’, ‘The Flower Show’,
and other books which I wish
Blanding Castle Omnibus Page 79