It was intelligent of Freddie to have diagnosed the sound had proceeded from Joe as a laugh. By a less acute ear it might have been mistaken for the groan of a fiend in torment,
"I was amused by your suggesting a system that takes six weeks. I told you she was sailing for New York on Thursday."
"But of course you're sailing too?"
"How can I? I haven't got the money for the fare."
Freddie was astounded.
"But I always thought you had a wad of money. Didn't an aunt of yours leave you a packet?"
"Yes, in trust. Pinkney's my trustee. I don't get it till I'm thirty."
"And you can't touch him for a bit in advance?"
"No."
"H'm. This complicates things. Can't you sell one of your pictures?"
"No."
"I could."
"Then you must be a marvel as a salesman."
"So the boys at Dog Joy often tell me. Yes, I think I know the very man on whom to unload that girl-on-mossy-bank one. If I go now, I shall probably catch him at the Drones. Shall I take (he picture along with me and give him the hard sell?"
"If you like," said Joe.
Anything that removed Freddie from his presence suited him. He wanted to be alone with his sombre thoughts.
Half an hour or so after Freddie had departed on his mission Judson Phipps came into the Drones Club to have a look at the smokingroom tape. He wanted to see what had won the fifth race at Hurst Park that afternoon. As he was passing through the bar, the man behind it addressed him.
“Mr. Threepwood was looking for you, Mr. Phipps."
“Freddie Threepwood? But he's in America."
"He wasn't ten minutes ago."
Though Mr. Bunting would have denied it hotly, Judson Phipps was capable at times of ratiocination. He showed this now.
'He must be over in England."
“That's what I thought."
“Is he in the smokingroom?"
“He was headed that way."
“I’ll go and say Hello. Old Freddie with us again! Fancy that. What won the fifth at Hurst Park?"
“Aspidistra."
“Hell,” said Judson, who had wagered on the speed and endurance of a horse named Lemon Drop.
“Freddie," he was saying a few moments later, and Freddie came out of a waking dream about dog biscuits.
“Oh, there you are, Juddy. I was looking for you."
“McGarry told me. You're back in London, are you?"
"In person."
In the short space of time it had taken him to move from bar to smokingroom the obvious explanation of his friend's presence in England's metropolis had come to Judson.
"So they've fired you?" he said.
"Eh?" '
"Those dog biscuit guys of yours. I thought it was only a question of time."
It was with considerable dignity that Freddie corrected this mistaken view.
"What do you mean, fired me? Of course they haven't fired me. I was sent over by the big chief to buck up the English end of the business, and I don't mind telling you I've booked some orders which'll make him do the dance of the seven veils all over Long Island City. The only blot on my escutcheon is that I haven't been able to contact Pinkney of Pinkney's Stores, and that brings me to what I want to talk to you about."
"What's that thing you've got there on the floor?"
"A picture. Never mind that for the moment. We'll be touching on it later. The item at the top of the agenda paper is Pinkney. Is it true what I hear about him being going to marry your sister?"
“Sure.”
"So I take it that you stand fairly high in his estimation? The brother of the woman he loves."
“Well, I wouldn't say we were bosom buddies, but we get along all right."
"Then you can do me a signal service by introducing me to him so that I can bend him to my will in the matter of stocking up Dog Joy in his emporium. I only need ten minutes of undivided time to make him see the light. You'll do this for me Juddy?"
"But I'm leaving for Paris tomorrow morning."
"Then when you get back?"
"I won't be back. I'm sailing for New York on Thursday. I get aboard at Cherbourg.”
“Can't you go by a later boat?"
"Impossible. That fight."
"What fight?"
"There's the lightheavyweight fight at Madison Square Garden a day or two after I land. If I went by a later boat, I'd miss it, and I've been looking forward to it for months."
"You could fly."
"Me? I wouldn't go up in one of those things if you paid me."
"Not to help a pal?"
"Not to help a hundred and forty-seven pals. My sister Julie's flying over the week after next, but you don't catch me doing it. And anyway it wouldn't do you any good me cancelling my passage, because Pinkney's sailing, too."
All the go-getter in Freddie sprang to life. He could not be said to have been thinking on his feet as recommended by the memoranda which hung on the wall of every office at Donaldson's Dog Joy, for he was seated, but it was plain that a thought had come like a full-blown rose, flushing his brow.
"He'll be on your boat?"
"Yes."
"Then so will I. I wasn't meaning to leave for another three weeks, but this is an opportunity that may not occur again. You're sailing on the what?"
"The Atlantic."
"I'll book a passage tomorrow. This'll bring the roses to Aggie's cheeks. She wasn't expecting me till the middle of next month. She'll go singing in the streets. How long does it take the Atlantic to get across?"
"About five days."
"Five days during which I shall be constantly at Pinkney's side guiding his thoughts in the right direction. If by the time we land I haven't got him signing on the dotted line, I'm not the man I think I am."
"Well, I wish you luck."
"Thanks."
"You'll need it."
It was apparent that something was amusing Judson. A sound like water going down the waste pipe of a bath showed that he was chuckling.
"And I'll tell you why," he said. "Because once the voyage has started I doubt if Pinkney will be in the mood to give his mind to dog biscuits. Want to hear something funny, Freddie' I told you my sister was flying to New York in a week or so. Well, by way of filling in the time before she leaves she has been buying out most of the Paris stores, concentrating particularly on the jewellers. One of the things she's bought, she tells me, is a diamond necklace costing about thirty thousand dollars. Well, you know what that means when you get to the other end."
"Lot of duty to pay."
"Yes. And she doesn't approve of paying duty."
"Many people don't."
"So she's giving me the thing to give to Pinknev to smuggle through. I can just see his face when I slip it to him," said Judson, once more chuckling.
Freddie was staring, aghast. His friend had described this appalling piece of news as 'something funny', but its humour eluded him. Only too clearly could he see that, as Judson had said, his prospect would not be in the mood to concentrate his mind on dog biscuits.
"When are you planning to give him the thing. '
"As soon as I get on board."
"No! Do me a favour, Juddy."
"Such as?"
"Wait till the last day of the voyage. That'll give me time to make my sales talk."
"Yes, I could do that."
"Apart from anything else, it would be the humane course to pursue. You don't want to spoil the poor blighter's trip, do you?"
"I see what you mean."
"So you'll do it? Last day of voyage?"
"Sure."
"That's a promise?"
”Sure.
Freddie drew a relieved breath.
"Thanks, Juddy. I knew you wouldn't let me down. And now a very important point. Has Pinkney any hobbies?"
"Hobbies?"
"In working on a prospect my first move is always to find out what he's interested in, so that
I can endear myself to him by bringing the subject up. P. P. Wilks of Wilks Brothers Manchester, for instance, from whom I obtained a substantial order, is a staunch supporter of the Manchester United Football team. My spies informed me of this and I attribute my success entirely to my shrewdness in asking around till I had all the facts relevant to the United's recent performance at my fingertips and was able to discuss them intelligently. By the time we parted we were like ham and eggs. He patted me on the back and showered cigars on me."
"Pinkney won't do that."
"Not pat?"
"Not shower. He's a big wheel in the Anti-Tobacco League."
"How fortunate you told me this. I might have approached him blowing smoke rings. Well, many thanks for your invaluable co-operation, Juddy. You have clarified the whole picture. And talking of pictures," said Freddie, remembering his mission. "You were asking just now about this one. Take a glance at it."
In the matter of pictures, J Nelson, if questioned, would have said that he did not know much about them, but he knew what he liked, and it was plain from his expression that this one of Joe's did not fall into that category. It doesn't look much."
Freddie had forseen some such reaction.
"At first sight, no," he agreed. "A doll asleep on a mossy bank and a guy bending over her to kiss her. Corny, you say to your self, the kind of thing that went out in the Victorian age. But think again. The guy is wearing a sort of bath robe, right?"
"Right."
"But if he was wearing pants, what then? How about his braces?"
"You mean suspenders?"
"All right, suspenders if you like. If he was wearing suspenders and stooped like that, he'd bust them, wouldn't he? No, sir, he would not bust them, not if they were Phipps's, because Phipps's will stand the strongest strain. See what I'm driving at, Juddy? Buy that picture, get a staff artist to put the guy in pants and a polo shirt, fix him up with a pair of Phipps's Tried and Proven, and you've got a full colour page in all the magazines which'll send your sales soaring into the empyraean. I know you don't take an active part in the business, but it won't do you any harm to get known in the firm as an ideas man. The rank and file work with more enthusiasm if they feel that the fellow up top isn't just sitting on his fanny clipping coupons, but is right on the job and setting company policy. So how about it?"
Considering that the Wilks Brothers of Manchester and Beatle Beatle and Beatle of Liverpool had been wax in Freddie's hands, it would have been remarkable if Judson Phipps had been able to resist him. He made no attempt to do so.
"How much would the fellow want? What's his name, by the way?"
"Cardinal. Joe Cardinal. I think two hundred pounds would be about the right price."
"Two hundred pounds! "
"A mere nothing to you."
"I dare say. But two hundred pounds! "
Freddie saw that the crux of the negotiation had been reached and that the time had come to step up the pressure.
"Listen, Juddy, I'll tell you the whole story, and I'm sure it will overcome any objection, you may have to parting, because you're a man of sentiment. You must be, to have had two breach of promise cases. Joe Cardinal has fallen in love with a girl and before he'd had time to start pressing his suit he finds she's sailing on the Atlantic on Thursday. A nice bit of news for him to get out of a blue sky, you'll admit."
Judson conceded that the discovery could not have been pleasant.
"So naturally he wants to drop everything and go with her."
"In the hope of bringing home the bacon?"
"Exactly. You're very quick, Juddy."
"I always have been."
"So I've heard. Well, the snag is he's not got the money to pay for his passage. He works in some minor capacity in a bank. So his whole future happiness depends on you. Come on, Juddy, be a sport and strew a little happiness as you go by. You probably have your chequebook on you. Out with it, and start writing. You'll never regret it."
With the unfailing accuracy of the trained dog biscuit salesman Freddie had struck the right note. It would be difficult to say whether Judson's eyes filled with tears, for they were always a little watery, but the dullest observer could see that he was melted.
"You'd better make the cheque out to me," said Freddie. "I am empowered to act as Joe's agent. If you'll excuse me, I'll go and phone him the good news, and I have no doubt he will strew roses from his hat and call down blessings on the head of his benefactor."
The S.S. Atlantic was under way, moving in a slow and thoughtful manner down the Solent. Friends and relatives had gone ashore, baskets of fruit had been deposited in staterooms, yachting caps donned by those who liked yachting caps. The Captain was on the bridge, pretty sure that he knew the way to New York but, just to be on the safe side, murmuring to himself 'Turn right at Cherbourg and then straight on'. The ship's doctor was already playing shuffleboard with the more comely of the female passengers. Mr. Pinkney was getting up an appetite for the eleven o'clock soup. His daughter Arlene was keeping fit by walking round and round the promenade deck. And on the boat deck Freddie Threepwood was standing talking to his friend Joe Cardinal.
The start of the voyage found Freddie in the best of spirits, as voyages always did when the liner's nose was pointed, westward. These periodical visits of his to the land of his birth were all very well, and he enjoyed them, but his heart was in his home at Great Neck with Aggie popping the toast out of the toaster and the 8.15 train waiting to take him to Long Island City. Spreading the light in England had its attractions, but he always longed to be back in the pulsating centre of the dog biscuit world, standing to shoulder to shoulder with Bream Rockmeteller and the rest of them like the boys of the Old Brigade.
His thoughts for the moment, however, were not on Dog Joy.
"Tell me of this girl of yours, Joe." he was saving. "Would I know her? What's her name?"
"Dinah Biddle. She's my uncle's secretary."
"Then I do know her. At least, we've met. She came to Bunting's office when I was there. I liked her looks."
"Me, too."
"Nice girl. I'm not surprised you're dashing after her like this. Good luck to you, say I, though I doubt if Pinkney will take the same kindly view. If I remember rightly, you told me it was he who put you in your bank job?"
"Yes, curse him."
"And he doesn't know you're playing hooky?"
"No."
"It will dawn on him when he sees you pacing the deck,"
"Yes, I thought of that."
"And bim will go any chance you may have had of inducing him to scatter purses of gold. H'm," said Freddie. "You had better leave this to me, Joe. It calls for constructive thinking. Go and lie low in your stateroom till I've had time to formulate a policy."
"I don't see what policy you can formulate."
"Nor as of even date do I."
But it is rarely that an executive of Donaldson's Dog Joy is baffled for long. It was only a minute or two before Freddie saw the way—which, as it turned out, was a good thing, for it was only a minute or three before a voice spoke and he found that he had been joined by a stout man—one of the stoutest, indeed, whom he had ever encountered.
"Pardon me," said this obese character.
Mr. Pinkney, as has been said, was looking forward to his eleven o'clock soup and thoughts of it had been occupying his mind to the exclusion of all else. But when he had suddenly seen his nephew Joseph where no nephew Joseph should have been, soup was temporarily forgotten. A man of his build could never move from spot to spot at any high rate of speed, but he had made for Freddie at as high a rate of speed as was possible.
"Pardon me," he said. "Would you mind telling me who that young man was that you were talking to."
"His name's Cardinal, Joe Cardinal."
"I thought as much!"
"You know him?"
"I'm his uncle, and perhaps you can tell me---"
"You're not Mr. Pinkney?"
"I am."
"Of Pi
nkney's Stores?"
"I am. And perhaps you can tell me---"
It has already been hinted that Arnold Pinkney was not a feast for the eye and would have had to taper off quite a good deal before entering for a beauty contest with any confidence of success. Nevertheless, Freddie was gazing on him as he might have gazed on some noble work of Nature like the Grand Canyon of Arizona.
'This is a great pleasure, Mr. Pinknev. I heard you were on board and was hoping that we should meet."
"Thank you. But perhaps you can tell me what in the world my nephew is doing on this boat."
"I thought you might be surprised to find him here. The explanation is very simple. The men up top at the bank think so highly of his abilities that they are transferring him to the main office in New York."
To say that Mr. Pinkney was surprised would not be to overstate it, for he found it difficult to understand how anyone could think highly of the abilities of his nephew Joseph, but he accepted this curious state of things without disbelief.
"Oh?" he said. "I see. I was wondering. Thank you, Mr.---"
"Threepwood. Of Dog Joy."
"Of what?"
"Donaldson's Dog Joy."
"What is Donaldson's Dog Joy?"
Freddie was only too happy to inform him, though amazed that he needed to be informed.
"Donaldson's Dog Joy," he said, a hand stealing to his hat as if he were about to bare his head, "is God's gift to the kennel, whether it be in the gilded palace of the rich or the humble hovel of the poor. Dogs raised on Donaldson's Dog Joy become fine, strong, upstanding dogs who look the world in the eye with their chins up and both feet on the ground. Get your dog thinking the Donaldson way! Let Donaldson make your spaniel a super-spaniel. Place your wirehaired terrier's paws on the broad Donaldson highway and watch him scamper away to health, happiness, the clear eye, the cold nose and the ever-wagging tail. Donaldson's Dog Joy---"
"It's a sort of dog biscuit," said Mr. Pinkney, groping.
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