But it won’t do me any good. The visions are never wrong—
—the entertainment room washes away in a sea of black. I blink, and I’m back inside the bedroom. We’re back inside. Gavin stumbles away from me. He is pale, obviously shaken. I know he recently had a vision with Ali. In it, they didn’t just kiss; they made out. I’d heard about it from Gavin after Ali refused to speak of it. I have tried to convince myself they misinterpreted what they saw.
I can’t do that now.
“Leave,” I snap, gripping the arms of my chair to stop myself from reaching for him. I want to kill him. And I have the skills to do it. I can even make it look like an accident. I know where to hide the body. Ali will never know what’s happened. But she might miss him, might mourn him—and the thought of that maddens me. “Leave now.”
He does. It saves his life.
I try to breathe. There are now a thousand land mines in my mind, and I’m stepping over every single one of them. Ali will leave me. Boom! Ali will fall for Gavin. Boom! Ali will kiss and touch Gavin. Boom! Gavin will win her, and I...I will lose her. Boom, boom!
I’m not used to helplessness. If there’s a problem, I act. I fix. Things get better. But there’s nothing I can do about this and I know it. I can’t make someone love me.
She shifts on the mattress and her eyelids flutter open, revealing eyes the color of a perfect summer morning, clear and blue, startling.
“Hey there,” I say. I reach for her hand, but stop myself just before contact.
She can’t quite focus. “Hey.” Her voice is different. Hoarser. “I’m glad you’re speaking to me again.”
I should smile at her, reassure her in some way, but I frown. She’s glad I’m here now. But how long will that last? When will she rejoice over Gavin’s presence?
“I wasn’t ever not speaking to you,” I say.
“You were avoiding me, then.”
I can’t lie to her—won’t. “Yes.”
Her gaze meets mine, and just like with Gavin, a vision kicks off—
—we are in Ankh’s entertainment room. I’m standing across from her...smiling at something Veronica is saying to me. I’m barely listening, too consumed by the fact that Ali is in front of Gavin again, cupping his cheeks again.
Despite the distance, I can hear what she’s saying to him. “You’re a better man than I ever gave you credit for.”
“I know,” Gavin replies. He is total cocky assurance, and I want to slam my fist into his nose, smashing cartilage into his brain.
“And you’re so modest,” Ali says.
He chuckles. “Are you happy with the way things turned out?”
She glances in my direction, unconcerned by the fact that Veronica is at my side.
Unconcerned. As if she doesn’t care that I’m with an ex. As if she doesn’t care about me.
“Yeah,” she says. “Yeah, I am—”
—the vision ends before she can say anything more, gone in a single, broken heartbeat.
I drop my head into my upraised hands, scrub my fingers through my already mussed hair. More proof. The end is near. The countdown clock on our relationship is running down.
Anger fills me. No. Anger is not a strong enough word. Rage fills me. It’s dark, heavy and barbed, weighing me down, cutting at me. Why Gavin? Why him and not me?
“Gavin’s a man-whore, you know.” I infuse my voice with ice to hide the savagery of my rage. “Never been with the same girl twice. And he’s never liked blondes. He won’t stay with you for long.”
“I’m not interested in Gavin,” she rushes out. “Cole, you have to—”
“Don’t say anything. Just...don’t.” Her reassurance will only make things worse. One day, I will have to watch her fall deeper and deeper for one of my friends. I will be shredded.
I am shredded.
I grab two pillows and work them behind her back. When she’s comfortable, I take the glass of water from the nightstand and place it at her lips. “Drink.”
Color blooms in her cheeks as she obeys. “Thank you.”
I nod and set the cup aside. “Let’s talk about what happened with Justin.” It’s the reason she’s here. It’s business. It will buy me time, allow me to get control of myself.
“Has he recovered?” she asks.
“Yeah, and a lot quicker than you.” A zombie bit Justin, and the toxin worked in him so quickly, he then bit Ali. He infected her. But while a single dose of the antidote healed him, it required three doses for Ali. Why?
“Hey, don’t blame me. I’m the victim here.”
“Yeah. I know.” I massage the back of my neck. “Sorry. It’s been stressful watching you suffer and not being able to help.” Among other things.
The tension drains from her, and I can’t bring myself to tell her the rest. “Has a slayer ever bitten another slayer like that?” she asks.
“Not to my knowledge. Not while both are still human.”
“Did I try to bite anyone while I was...out of it?”
“Just me,” I say.
She pales all over again. “I’m sorry. I know I failed. Wait. I failed, right?”
Her need to protect me is one of the things I’ve always admired about her. I nod. “You did.”
Her relief is palpable. “I’m so sorry, Cole. I don’t know what came over me, but I do know I’m not going to do it again. I promise you.”
There’s something strange about the fact that she tried to do it in the first place, but I have no answers and shrug.
“I mean it,” she insists.
“You tried to bite me more than once.”
“I’m so sorry,” she says again, clearly horrified. “I didn’t realize...”
Yeah. “I know.”
She swallows, the picture of unease. “Do you think Anima put Justin up to hurting me? Causing this kind of reaction, thinking we’d destroy each other?”
“Maybe, but like you, I don’t think Justin knew what he was doing.”
“Where is he now?”
“Ankh kept him below in the dungeon, as you like to call it, for a few days to make sure the antidote was working and he wouldn’t try to attack anyone else. Tests were run, and a strange toxin was found in his blood. Not zombie, but actually antizombie. Different than what’s in the antidote. We think it’s what made him vomit.”
Her brow furrows with confusion. “A few days? How long have I been out? Did you check my blood, too?”
I’m used to the way she fires off a million questions during any given conversation. Her curiosity is another thing I’ve always liked about her. Maybe because I feel like a hero when I have the answers she seeks.
Today I’m resentful. Soon, Gavin will be the one to answer her.
I clench my hands. “About a week,” I say. “And yes. You had—have—the same antizombie toxin, only you have a lot more of it, which makes us think you shared it with him when he bit you.”
I’m not sure what this means for her...for slayers.
“How and where would I have gotten an antizombie toxin?” she asks. “And why is it in my blood rather than my spirit?”
I give another shrug. “Could be an ability, like the visions. And if it’s in your spirit, it’s in your blood. We have to test what we can.”
She nibbles on her bottom lip. I want to stop her. I want to kiss away the sting she’s caused. But I don’t. I won’t. If I put my hands on her, I won’t be able to let go. I will cling. I’m su
re of this.
“Just so you know, we told everyone you’d overdone it and reopened your wound.” A wound I had accidentally caused. I have yet to forgive myself. “Both of which are true.” She would have protested if we’d lied.
“Thank you.”
I nod. I force myself to stand and move toward the door. I have to leave her. Now. It’s becoming more difficult to maintain any kind of distance.
“Cole,” she calls. “We need to talk.”
“You need to rest.”
“Cole.”
Knowing her, she will chase me if I leave. I pause, draw in a fortifying breath. Slowly I turn and face her. I’m careful to keep my features blank.
“This has to stop,” she says.
She is going to force me to make a decision. Here, now. Cut her loose, or hang on until the bitter end. I’m not ready.
“I tried not to push you, but you have to give me something,” she continues. “Your silence is driving me crazy.”
I cross my arms over my chest and have a fleeting thought that it is a defensive action meant to protect me from the blow to come. “Some things aren’t meant to be discussed, Ali.” Let me go. Just let me go.
“At Hearts, you couldn’t spend time with me. Why?”
I spied on my friends that night, and I still hate myself for it. I’m glad I refused to entangle her in the mess then, and I won’t do it now. “I’ve already told you all I’m willing to say on that subject.”
She expels a heavy breath. “You asked me to trust you, and now I’m asking you to trust me with the truth. Why?”
The need to give her what she wants redoubles. I resist.
“You told me you wanted me to stay away from Gavin,” she says, “and yet you have been the one to stay away from me. Why?”
At the sound of his name, my rage returns, and it is far stronger than my need. Gavin and Ali. Ali and Gavin. A couple. In love. Holding each other. Kissing each other. Touching each other. A growl brews inside my chest.
Ali bangs her fist against the mattress. “What we just saw in the vision—”
“Will happen,” I shout. The words burst from me. I can’t stop them. “You know it will. It always does.”
“Maybe it doesn’t mean what we think it means.”
I want to hope. “What do you think it means?”
“I...don’t know. What do you think it means?”
But hope is my enemy. Because I don’t think anything. I know.
Cut her loose, or hang on until the bitter end. Let the wound begin to heal, or let it fester.
Choose.
“I think it means...” A crushing pain throbs in my chest. One I’ve never before experienced. My heart pounds against my ribs in an effort to escape it. I bite back the words that will be final nails in the coffin of our relationship, but it does no good. “We’re over.”
She flinches as if she’s been struck. “No.” She shakes her head. “No.”
My instincts scream in agreement. No! I almost drop to my knees and beg her to forgive me for even suggesting such a thing.
The pain in my chest intensifies.
Who the hell am I? I’m supposed to be immovable. When I make a decision, nothing changes my mind. I’m supposed to be invincible. Zombies cannot hurt me, and yet this girl is killing me.
I’m helpless all over again. I hate it, hate myself. Even hate her a little. “Okay, let me rephrase. I know it means we’re over.” Every word is a dagger, cutting at me, but still I continue. “We have to be. I’ve almost lost you twice, and I’m going to lose you for good when the visions start coming true. I’m not going to hang on to a lost cause, Ali.”
Panic radiates from her. “I’m not a lost cause. We’re not a lost cause. I don’t like Gavin.”
I want to believe her. She is everything to me. A reason to wake up in the morning. A reason to fight for a safer world. A reason to breathe. If I do this, if I walk away from her, I will never be the same.
“But you will,” I say.
“Don’t do this. Please. You have to trust me. Please. There are some things you can never take back, and this is one of them.”
Damn it, I know! Does she think this is easy for me? That I’m made of stone?
Before I realize I’ve taken a step, I’m across the room, slamming my fist into the wall. Dust plumes the air, almost choking me, as the skin covering my knuckles splits. Bones crack and blood wells. It hurts.
I’m glad. I prefer this pain to the other one.
Very gently, she says, “I’m not going to look at Gavin and suddenly start wanting him. You’re the one for me. And this isn’t like you. You never back down. You never walk away from a fight.”
Exactly. Right now I’m fighting for my life. I’m the one trapped in the bottomless ocean, and I can’t escape.
I press my forehead into the damaged wall.
“Cole,” she whispers. “Do you want Veronica?”
“No. Not even a little.”
“See!”
“Ali, I...” Want to make this work. Will do anything to make it work.
I straighten and face her. Deep down I know “anything” will not be good enough, and that hurts almost as much as this end. “Our feelings right now aren’t the problem. One day I hope you’ll forgive me. I doubt I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.” If I could press rewind on our lives and go back to before the visions, I would. I would stay with her, never let her go, the two of us lost together. I would be happy. Now I’m certain I will never be happy again. “But...we’re done.”
“Cole.”
“We’re done,” I force myself to repeat. For her. For me. We both need to hear it. I back away from her, needing distance but hating it, too. “We’re done.”
Her eyes glass over, as if she’s fighting tears. “I won’t come crawling after you.”
Do it. Come after me, part of me shouts. Don’t ever let me go. “I don’t want you to.” The other part of me is self-preservation, and after all these years of battle, it’s strong.
“I won’t take you back even if you come crawling back to me.”
“I know,” I say softly, and I can feel all the broken pieces of me withering. “And I won’t... I can’t...” I shake my head, try to gather what little strength I have left. “There’s nothing I can say to make either of us feel better about this, and I’m sorry about that. You’ll probably never know how much. But that’s not going to change my mind. It has to be this way.”
I leave her then. I leave her before I do it, before I drop to my knees and beg not only for forgiveness but for another chance. I’ve just severed the most precious part of my life. I’m not going to heal from this. I know it.
“Cole.”
Frosty calls my name. He’s at the end of the hall, waiting for me.
I stride past him without a word, without a pause.
“Cole.”
Again I ignore him. My eyes burn. I must have something in them. Somehow I make it outside the house without drawing the notice of anyone else. I climb inside my Jeep, but I don’t even get the key into the ignition before the rage and helplessness explode from me. I pound at the wheel with my fists. The metal circle bends, unable to withstand the fury. But I don’t stop. I can’t, even when I’m leaving smears of blood behind. I can’t breathe, either, and I’m not sure I want to.
I should have ripped my heart out of my chest and given it to her. It would have been easier than this. Less painful.
&nb
sp; We are done. We are really done.
Realization settles like a boulder. We are over. She’s free of me, free to do as she pleases...and I will be forever lost without her.
* * * * *
Thank you for reading the White Rabbit Chronicles box set! Following is an excerpt from the not-to-be-missed epic series conclusion, A MAD ZOMBIE PARTY. Only from Gena Showalter and Harlequin TEEN!
Frosty
It’s a few minutes past midnight, and I’ve already had three shots of whiskey too many. If four is the new word for fourteen. Whatever. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to be in bed, pretending.
Who’s the unlucky girl tonight? I spot a possibility on the dance floor. She’s twenty-something with long dark hair—are her eyes green? She’s too tall, too slender, but she’s grinding against her girlfriend, giving the leering onlookers a show, and I decide she’ll do.
I finish off my newest shot and stand, already drowning in a tidal wave of guilt and shame. I shouldn’t be doing this, and I know it, just like I know I’ll regret it tomorrow. But I’m in desperate need of a distraction, a few hours of blackout bliss, and this is the only way to get it.
I move toward the random only to stop halfway, my heart shuddering inside my chest. I think I see…Kat? My Kat? Her gaze meets mine, and she offers me a tremulous smile. I know that smile. I know all her smiles. The good, the bad and the oh, so sad.
I’m paralyzed as I drink in every detail. The sable shine of her hair. The beauty of her hazel eyes. The delicacy of her features. The wonder of her curves. The pale skin I’ve caressed and kissed so many times, the texture and heat are imprinted into my soul.
It’s really her.
I’m drunker than I realized and confusing a memory with reality, or maybe I’m straight-up hallucinating. Either way, I’m across the room in seconds. Just before I reach her, she turns and glides away. I give chase. There’s no way I’ll allow her to escape me, whatever she is. I’ll die first.
She pauses at the back exit and glances back. To make sure I’ve followed? Please. I’ll go anywhere she leads, but—she’s gone a second later, vanished in a puff of light.
The White Rabbit Chronicles Page 108