She closed her eyes, wanting, waiting for Sam’s touch.
She licked her lips. She could feel the breath coming out of her, could feel it being expelled from her lungs in short, shallow bursts, felt it move over her moist lips. Her respiration was rapid, matching her pulse.
Sam’s breath was warm on her face.
She waited for his kiss, certain it was inevitable.
His hand cupped the back of her head and his fingers brushed the nape of her neck.
She gasped as he tilted her face up to his and his lips brushed over hers, soft and tender.
She heard herself moan and then Sam crushed her to him, the tenderness swamped by far more primeval emotions. Hunger, desire and passion took over. She parted her lips, welcoming him back to her.
She was home. She was back where she belonged. There was no other way to describe it. The light that had been missing from her life was back. Sam was vital. She knew now she could exist without him but she wouldn’t be living. A life without Sam was a half life.
Her heart and soul went into the kiss and she felt Sam respond. Time stood still. No, it was better than that. Time reversed. It was as though all the things that had gone wrong in her life had been imagined. She could feel Sam breathing life back into her soul, restoring her.
She embraced the feeling of rejuvenation. Embraced Sam. She let him fill her heart and mind, her body and soul, until she was overflowing. She held tight to him; she couldn’t let him go.
He tasted like chocolate, his mouth soft and warm and sweet. She put a hand to his cheek. His stubble was rough under her fingers and his skin was hot to the touch. Sam pulled her down to the blanket, pinning her beneath him, his body hard and lean above her. She was vaguely aware of the fireworks continuing to explode in the sky; she could see the flashes of light through her closed eyelids and it felt as though the eruptions were keeping time with her heartbeat.
Sam deepened the kiss and Juliet forgot about the fireworks. Forgot about everything. For a moment it was just her and Sam, cocooned in a bubble, their own piece of time and space. She was shielded from the world, protected by Sam.
Gradually, though, the thin film of their bubble was penetrated by the outside world. The night grew silent and dark, the fireworks had finished. Voices carried to them, caught on the sea breeze, and Juliet remembered they weren’t the only ones on the beach. The voices disturbed her, interrupted her and she pulled back, very slightly, as she became self-conscious.
‘Time to go?’ Sam asked.
Juliet wasn’t sure. What was she going to? What would happen when they got back to the house? Would they continue where they’d left off? Should they continue? But one thing she did know was that they couldn’t stay down on the beach all night. She nodded.
‘I’ll carry Kate up and come back for Ed.’ In the heat of the moment Juliet had even forgotten about her own children, lying on the blankets beside her. Sam scooped up their sleeping daughter, carrying her easily back to the house before returning to douse the fire and collect Ed. Juliet carried the cushions and blankets and followed in Sam’s footprints. She used his depressions to make the trek through the soft sand easier, even though his steps were far larger than hers and she had to stretch right out to match his stride. Sam took Edward into his bedroom and Juliet waited on the veranda.
She couldn’t go inside. She knew she’d feel hemmed in, contained, and she was worried that it would feel like the end of the evening. She wasn’t ready for it to end just yet. She wasn’t sure what she was ready for exactly so, for now, she leant on the veranda railing outside her room and took a deep breath, letting the night air fill her lungs.
Sam came back outside after carrying the children to their beds. Neither of them spoke. Sam stood beside her and his distinctive warm, spicy scent filled her nose, blocking out the smell of the sea. The beach in front of them was dark and the ocean stretched away to the horizon, blending with the sky. It felt as though they were floating in the night. They were surrounded by stars; millions of bright, glowing spots of light were strewn across the inky-black sky.
Juliet felt Sam reach for her and she turned, meeting him halfway. The light from the bedroom illuminated the left side of his face. Automatically she raised her hand, lifting her fingers to his face as she traced the lines in the corners of his eyes. She saw the right side of his mouth lift in a smile and her fingers moved to follow the movement of his lips.
Sam caught her fingers in his, taking them to his mouth and kissing the tips. Juliet closed her eyes as Sam took her thumb between his lips and slid it into his hot, moist mouth. A soft moan escaped from her as Sam sucked on her thumb. He lowered her hand and bent his head, covering her mouth with his, muffling her moans of pleasure. Juliet opened her lips, her tongue meeting his, joining with him, lost in the familiar and enchanting feeling of being in his arms again.
The evening air was cool and Juliet shivered as a light breeze blew across her back. Sam pulled away when he felt her tremble. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and tucked her against his side, sharing his warmth. ‘Let’s get you inside.’
He took her hand and led her into her bedroom. The double bed was the dominant feature of the room but beside it was an old armchair. Sam skirted the bed as Juliet trailed behind him. He led her to the armchair and pulled her onto his lap.
Juliet didn’t resist as Sam claimed her again, kissing her soundly. They had unfinished business and Juliet didn’t stop to think where it might end. His hand was on her knee and she felt it slide under the hem of her dress, caressing the inside of her thigh and sending pulses of desire shooting up to the very centre of her soul. She could feel her body responding to his touch, feel herself getting moist; preparing to welcome him back.
Sam shifted Juliet’s weight, moving her bottom farther into his lap, and she could feel his arousal pressing against her. Involuntarily she parted her legs slightly, ready for his touch, but his hand wasn’t on her thigh now. She felt him reaching behind her, the fingers of one hand on the zip at the back of her dress. She looked down, watching as his other hand brushed over her breast. Except it wasn’t her breast. It was only padding. She could see his hand touching the thin fabric of her dress but she could feel nothing. No desire. No spark. No fire. Nothing.
Nothing except a reminder of what had transpired. Of how she’d changed. Of what was missing. Of what had gone.
‘Stop.’ The word escaped from her lips before she had time to think about what she was doing. She stood up, almost leaping out of Sam’s lap. She was aware of Sam’s shocked expression. She watched his face, could see him trying to process what had happened. She took a step back, away from the chair, knowing he would reach for her.
‘I can’t do this.’
She turned and fled to the en suite bathroom. She shut the door, leaning against it before she turned the lock. She could hear Sam on the other side.
‘Jules, what’s wrong?’ She felt the door handle jiggle behind her back and for a moment she panicked, thinking she hadn’t locked it properly.
It held.
‘Jules?’
She couldn’t do this.
‘Just give me a minute.’ She stepped away from the door and leant on the basin, breathing deeply, trying to slow her racing heart. She glanced in the mirror. Her pale face stared back at her, her freckles dark against her skin, her eyes shiny with unshed tears.
‘Come out and tell me what the matter is,’ Sam pleaded. ‘I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong.’
‘Wait. Please.’
‘Open the door, Jules.’ The door handle rattled again. ‘You can’t stay in there.’
Sam was right, she knew he was. She couldn’t stay closeted in the bathroom. She was being ridiculous. But she couldn’t go out there. Not yet.
She turned on the taps, splashing her face with cold water as she tried to gather her thoughts. She pulled a towel from the rack, burying her face in the soft folds. She knew he was right. They needed to talk; they proba
bly should have talked before they’d started making out like a couple of horny teenagers.
She dried her face and opened the bathroom door. Sam was sitting on the bed but stood and crossed the room in two strides. He stretched out one hand to wipe the traces of a tear from her cheek. ‘I’m sorry if I pressured you. I didn’t mean to.’
‘You didn’t.’ Juliet took a step forward and Sam wrapped her in his arms, holding her to him.
‘I thought we wanted the same thing.’
She couldn’t blame him for thinking that—she’d certainly been a willing participant. To a point. ‘That wasn’t the problem.’ Her voice was muffled against his chest.
‘I need to know what you’re thinking, Jules. I need to know what you want.’ He moved back a pace, creating some distance between them.
‘I can’t…’She broke off. How did she explain what she’d been thinking, what she’d been feeling?
‘Can’t what? Can’t be with me?’
She nodded.
She saw Sam glance at the armchair but he obviously thought better of sitting there again. He tugged her towards the bed, sitting down beside her, not quite touching. He was frowning. ‘Why not?’
She hesitated, uncertain about how to phrase her answer.
‘Jules, you need to tell me what’s going on. We need to clear the air. Perhaps we should have had this conversation before now but we are going to have it before we make any more decisions. I need to understand what’s happening, how you feel. I’m not going to make assumptions again?that didn’t turn out so well for us last time.’
He was right. It wasn’t his fault and he deserved to know that. ‘I’m scared,’ she said.
He was still frowning and his green eyes were dark. ‘Of making love?’
She shook her head. ‘Of being naked,’ she whispered. ‘I don’t look the same any more.’
‘What difference does that make?’
‘All I can think of is you’ll look at me and see all the bits that are missing. I don’t want you to be disappointed.’
‘Disappointed? You think I’ll be disappointed?’ He gathered her hands in his. ‘My darling girl, all I can think about is how lucky I am to have a second chance. I can’t believe we’re here, together. Disappointed is not how I’d describe myself. Let me tell you what I see when I look at you.’ He held both her hands in one of his as he tilted her face up to look into her eyes. ‘I see the most beautiful woman. The woman I adore. And when you were on my lap, all I was thinking about was how lucky I was. I wasn’t thinking anything more than that.’ He smiled, and the frown lines disappeared and his eyes lightened.
‘Trust me, I’m not taking inventory. I don’t care about the bits of you that are missing?all I care about is you. All I want is you.’ He traced her lips with his finger before bending his head to kiss her cheek. ‘But I can be patient.’
Wasn’t he going to argue? Wasn’t he going to try and convince her to spend the night with him? Disappointment flooded through her but before she could feel the pain of rejection she realised she was partly relieved too. She knew she wasn’t ready. She knew that in her fragile state Sam could be more than she was ready to cope with. She wasn’t confident enough to take things further. Not tonight.
Sam’s fingers cupped her chin and his thumb brushed over her lips. Her lips felt swollen and tender under his touch. ‘This is just the beginning, Jules. You need to know that.’
‘The beginning of what?’
‘The rest of our lives. I want a chance to make things right again. I’ve made a New Year’s resolution?I want my family back and I’m prepared to make the changes necessary to achieve that. I’ve learnt a lot about myself in the past year and you were right?our family does need to come first. I love our kids and I love you. So, if you can give me a little time I’m going to do what I can to repair things and then maybe we can have a future. What do you think? Will you give me another chance?’
She wanted to say yes. Despite her cancer and the chemotherapy, the past two months had been better than she could have hoped for thanks to Sam’s presence and assistance. Having him beside her had been what she’d dreamt of, what she’d wanted all along, but she still couldn’t imagine how it could all work out now.
She wanted to say yes but she couldn’t see how things could change. ‘I don’t see how we can work this out.’
‘Just say you’ll give me another chance and I’ll worry about the rest.’
She nodded. She said yes. She knew she would always love Sam and having him in her life felt right, but she hoped she wasn’t making another mistake.
They had two more days together before their holiday was over, before she took the children back to Melbourne and Sam left for Sydney. There were a few stolen moments?shared glances, a lingering touch of Sam’s hand, a few passionate kisses—but there was no opportunity to take things further and Juliet was grateful for that as she was wavering in her thoughts and feelings. Not wavering exactly, more torn. When she was with Sam, all it took was one of his lopsided smiles and the touch of his fingers as he surreptitiously brushed her arm or thigh to make her feel like throwing caution to the wind. But when she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror or thought about the reality of taking her clothes off, she didn’t know if she could do it. She didn’t know if she’d ever be able to. And where would that leave them? All Sam’s planning would be pointless. She still couldn’t see how this was going to work.
As their day of departure grew closer she knew she had some decisions to make.
She was worried now about returning to Melbourne without Sam. She was worried about how the children would cope. She had thought about this before, at the beginning, months ago, but somewhere along the way she’d become so caught up in the feeling of being part of a couple again that she’d ignored the fact that it was only a temporary arrangement.
Should she even be contemplating trying to repair her relationship with Sam?
Was she making a mistake?
If she was going to have a relationship with anybody, she needed some help. She would make an appointment with Ben McMahon, Gabby’s brother, she decided. Plastic surgery might resolve her fears.
That was the easy decision.
That decision was made and then she would concentrate on the future. Would that future contain Sam? Could it?
CHAPTER NINE
IT TOOK them all some time to get used to being just the three of them again. Sam was back in Sydney, back to being a weekend father. Juliet was feeling good. The holiday and Sam’s company had refreshed her but she was lonely. She knew she had to be careful. She missed Sam, she still had feelings for him, but even if he felt the same way, their circumstances hadn’t changed and she couldn’t afford to get carried away with the idea of salvaging their relationship.
She had to get on with her life.
She’d had an appointment with Ben McMahon to discuss reconstructive surgery and she had a date scheduled for the operation. She had promised Sam that he’d be the first person she’d call whenever she needed help with the children and, if he could, he would come down to Melbourne. It wasn’t as good as having him in the same city but it was an offer that she would take him up on. She dialled his number and after some preliminary chat brought up the reason for her call.
‘I was wondering if you could do me a favour?’ she asked.
‘Sure.’
‘I’m going into hospital for more surgery?’
‘What’s happened?’ Sam interrupted. ‘Is everything okay?’
‘Everything’s fine,’ she said, trying to allay his fears. ‘I’ve decided to have a breast reconstruction and I need to know if you can come down to Melbourne for a few days to look after the kids while I’m in hospital.’
‘When?’
‘I’m booked in for January the twenty-seventh.’
‘That soon?’
Juliet wondered why it mattered how soon the operation was. In her opinion, the sooner the better. ‘Ben has agreed to squeeze
me in, then.’
‘What time would you need me in Melbourne?’
‘I get admitted at seven in the morning so I’d need you here the night before, on Australia Day.’
‘Jules, I can’t. We’ve got a huge day on the harbour for Australia Day celebrations. The entire Sydney fleet will be out on the water. I’d never be able to get down to Melbourne then. Do you have to go in that day?’
‘That’s when Ben has a spot. I want this done.’
‘Why now? Are you sure you’re ready for more surgery?’
It was her decision?why was he debating this with her? Losing her breasts had become a constant reminder of what she’d been through and since the bedroom disaster of New Year’s Eve Juliet had known that she would have to have reconstructive surgery. In her mind she needed the surgery to help her believe she was winning the fight and she also knew that if she was ever going to be able to have a relationship again, with Sam or anyone else, she needed to feel, and look, like a woman again.
‘I want this surgery. I want to look like me again. It’s important.’
‘You look good now, Jules, but if you’re going to have the surgery, can’t you wait a bit? I’m sure we can work out a date that suits us both.’
She didn’t want to wait, she wanted the surgery done soon, she wanted to be put back together. She knew she needed it before she could move forward. And she’d wanted Sam’s help but, as usual, there was a clash between his work commitments and his personal life and she knew work would triumph. She knew she was being unfair but she couldn’t help it. She’d been spoilt by his attention before Christmas and it was difficult to come back down to reality with such a hard bump. Back to the days where work had been more important than family.
Rescued by the Dreamy Doc / Navy Officer to Family Man Page 28