“I understand.” It’s devastating, but I do get it. It is worth it to have a part of him that I’ll always be able to keep. No matter how long he’s away.
“You sure? I don’t want to hurt you, Liv. That’s the last thing I want.”
I turn so that I’m facing him. “Trust me, I do.” I reach up to kiss him. “I don’t want you to worry about me while you’re gone. The most important thing is that you stay safe.”
His eyes turn serious as I look down at him. “I’m gonna miss you.”
My heart squeezes painfully in my chest. “You haven’t been here long enough to miss me.”
A ghost of a smile crosses his handsome face. “Last night changed that.”
I open my mouth to reply, but I’m interrupted by the sound of my cell phone going off on the nightstand beside me. I check and find a text from Jack asking if I knew where Ben went last night.
“What time is it?” Ben asks.
“Little after seven.”
“I promised Mom I’d have breakfast at my grandparents’ house.”
I’m grateful that my face is once again hidden in his throat because the news that our time is coming to an end makes me more upset than I’d like to admit. “Yeah,” I clear my throat, “I should be getting home before Jack sends out a search party.”
Ben kisses my forehead again before slipping out of bed. I take a moment to admire his beautiful male form as he walks to the bathroom. While he’s gone, I dress in my clothes from the night before, wincing as my sore muscles make themselves known.
I throw my hair up into a ponytail and smile in the mirror as Ben wraps his arms around me from behind.
“I’ll take you home when you’re ready.”
I force a smile on my face. “I’m ready.” Maybe if I fake it long enough, it’ll start feeling like the truth.
Ben places a hand at the small of my back as he leads me back to his truck. The sight of it throws me back to the night before and my face heats. He opens the door for me and I get in. I watch as he rounds the truck, his T-shirt and jeans do amazing things for the lines of his body. I can’t believe it took us this long to make it into bed together. If I’d known it was going to be so good, I would have found a way to get him there sooner.
“You need to stop anywhere before I drop you off?” he asks.
I swallow thickly. “No, I’m good, thanks.”
As we get closer to my house, the sense of dread grows like a rock in my stomach. This was why I never wanted to act upon the attraction between us. What if things get weird between us? Then again, who am I kidding? Sex always complicates things.
I’m mentally kicking myself when I feel a warm touch on my hand. I look down and find Ben twining his fingers with my own. He brings our hands to his lips and kisses my fingers, and I swear, my heart skips a beat.
“Whatever is going on inside that head of yours…whatever excuses you’re trying to come up with to explain away what you’re feeling, you need to shut that shit down now. If I had more time to show you what I’m feeling, I would, but I don’t and that’s on me.” He pulls the truck in my driveway, shuts off the engine and turns to me. “I need you to trust that it meant something to me. That you mean something to me.”
I move closer, grinning at him like an idiot. “You mean something to me, too.”
He full-on smiles at this, his eyes running across my face, almost as if he’s trying to commit it to memory. “First chance I get when I get back, I’ll find you.” He looks out the windshield for a moment before returning his gaze to mine. “I shouldn’t tell you to wait for me, Liv, but I’m a selfish bastard so I hope you will.”
The next nine months are going to be hell on earth, but what I have to deal with is nothing compared to the dangers he’s going to face. I don’t know how he does it, and goes back again and again. Just watching him leave and knowing he may not return causes tears to spring to my eyes. I fight to keep my voice from cracking. “You remember what I said, Benjamin Hart. You stay safe. Or else.”
“I will, I promise.” He spares me a quick kiss. “C’mon, I’ll walk you to your door.”
Each step down the walkway to my small house makes the yawning chasm inside my chest crack open a little more. How am I supposed to say goodbye when we’ve barely said hello?
We reach my front door and turn to each other. I can only stare dumbly at the concrete.
Ben pulls on my hand until I’m in his arms. I inhale the scent of his cologne and detergent, steeling my overwrought emotions. I don’t want to make this harder on him than it already is.
When I’m reasonably sure I can control myself, I take a step back. My five foot five height puts me about eye level with his chest, where remnants of my mascara have dirtied his shirt.
“I messed up your shirt,” I mumble, fingering the stain.
He smiles and cups my cheek with one hand. “It’s fine. Now kiss me and say goodbye.”
His lips press against mine for a moment, but those few seconds say more than any words ever could. I can feel the way his fingers grip my cheek more tightly, the way his body strains against mine, and the way his breath catches in his chest. He breaks our connection, resting his forehead against mine, his eyes closed.
“Now say goodbye,” he whispers.
I manage to choke out, “Goodbye, Ben.”
Olivia
The cute little café was about the only interesting place to eat in Nassau, the small town in Florida where I’ve lived all of my life. When I moved back after college to teach art at the school I graduated from, I made it my Saturday ritual to come here to unwind after a long week. I’d get a scone and a cappuccino and people watch. Marin County may not be big, but what we lack in acreage, we more than make up for in pure character.
Today’s special is a decadent looking confection that boasts a triple dose of chocolate. Any other day I would have wolfed it down in two bites, but my stomach just isn’t agreeing with me. The past eight weeks I’ve barely managed to eat anything, it seems. I take a sip of the water I’d tacked onto my order and hope that the sour stomach will pass. I consider texting Sofie and asking her to pick up some antacids on her way to the café, but after a glance at the time I realize she’s probably almost here already.
My fingers shake as I play with the brightly colored napkins. Around me people are chatting and laughing like they don’t have a care in the world. A mom and her daughter giggling at the counter over a shared milkshake catches my eye and I glance quickly away under the guise of taking another sip of water.
Sofie enters the café in a flurry of muttered Italian and toting her customary laptop. She never goes anywhere without it, I swear. The sight makes me smile, even though I’m near tears. Or laughter. I can’t really be sure these days.
“I swear to God, I’m glad I left this place when I could,” she says, slapping her bag down on the table with a thwack.
“What? You don’t enjoy our little Podunk town?”
“Pah!” she signals a waitress and brushes the long brown tresses out of her face. “The simple fact that it contains your brother is enough to keep me in the city.”
“Please tell me the two of you aren’t fighting again?”
“When did we stop?” she waves a hand. “That’s not why we’re here. You said you had some news?”
I clear my throat. “Let’s get you some food first. I would recommend the scone, but I haven’t tried it yet. It looks good today, though.”
Sofie nods at the waitress. “I’ll have a scone and a coffee, black.”
I make a face at her and she grins. The knots in my stomach loosen a little. This is just what I needed. “Thank you for coming. I know it’s a bit of a drive. Not to mention, you swore you’d never come back after the last time, though you never really told me why.”
“I refuse to let anything keep me from my best friend during a time of need. You said it was an emergency?”
My eyes water and I take a tissue and blot them. “I’m sorr
y, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but it’s not like I can control it anymore.”
Sofie scoots her chair next to me and places a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “Come, mama, it can’t be that bad. We’ve been through much worse together and we’ll get through this, too. Is it Ben? Did that asshole ignore your calls again? I swear men are all shits. If you want, we can be lesbian lovers.”
I laugh through my tears. “You’re so crazy. And I told you he’s in the middle of nowhere. It’s not like he can just pick up the phone and chat for a while.”
“You’re always making excuses for that man, but I’m telling you, they’re all pigs. Which brings me around to my next point. Lesbian lovers, yes?”
The waitress arrives with Sofie’s order with raised eyebrows. Sofie accepts and gives her a dazzling smile. Progressive though Nassau may try to be, I wasn’t sure if they were completely ready for Sofie when she was born. When we became friends, the town council had to have had a meeting to plan against our tactics.
“I don’t know,” I say around the lump in my throat. “I may get fat.”
“Fat, psssh. I like a woman with curves.”
“Like really fat.”
“Well, at least it’s not like you’re pregnant.”
Sofie laughs and takes a bite of her scone. She glances at me and her eyes widen in surprise when she realizes I’m not laughing with her. I watch her throat bob in an effort to swallow. She takes a big sip of her coffee to choke it down and winces.
“You’re not pregnant, are you?” When I don’t answer she practically shouts, “Good God, doesn’t that man know the meaning of a condom?”
I slap her on her arm. “I’d appreciate if you didn’t announce it to the world. I haven’t even told Dad and Jack yet and you know Jack is going to flip his shit. Ben’s his best friend!”
Sofie groans. “Jack routinely flips his shit—don’t worry about him. And your dad loves you. Besides, wasn’t he just moaning about grandkids the other day? They’ll be fine. I’m worried about you, though. A kid?”
I give a watery smile. “Yeah. I had the same thought when I realized it. What am I going to do, Sof? I barely had a family until the Walkers. What do I know about being a mother? My own mom abandoned me when I was five years old! What if that’s genetic?”
It is said in jest, but once the words are out of my mouth, I realize that I’m not really joking.
Sofie shoves my shoulder, muttering Italian profanities her mother would blush to hear. “If you decide to be a mother, you’ll be the best one I’ve ever known. Who else will teach them the proper way to do a Jello shot?
“That’s not funny.” I glare at her. “I’m being serious.”
She turns to me and I realize her eyes are as wet as mine. “I know you’ll be a good mom. And I know you’re scared, but you have a lot of people that love you. Your dad, me...” She makes a face and says, “Jack.”
“I’m so not ready for this, though. I planned for kids in the distant future.” The very distant future. One that included a tenured position as an art professor and a house that wasn’t falling apart around my ears. “What about Ben?”
“What about him?”
I sigh and nibble on my scone. “After ten years, we finally get together and the first time we have sex—”
“Not the only time, if I remember correctly.” Sofie grins.
I ignore her. “The first time we have sex, I get pregnant.”
“Must have been pretty potent,” she quips.
“I don’t even know if I’ll be able to get ahold of him until he gets back. What am I supposed to do? Welcome him with an armful of baby and say, ‘Welcome back. By the way, you’re a dad?’” I groan. “This is such a mess.”
“Ben isn’t a bad guy. Sure, it’s not the best timing—”
“Uh, yeah.”
“But,” she continues, “we’ll just have to make the best of it. If Ben gives you shit, you’ll just have to take me up on my lesbian lover offer.”
We share a laugh and finish off our scones and coffee. As we’re leaving the café I turn to her and say, “I think I’m going to try to find my bio family.”
Her eyes widen and she pulls me off the sidewalk to a bench. “I thought you didn’t want anything to do with them. From what you told me they sounded horrible. Why would you want to find them?”
I shrug as I watch the cars zooming by on the highway in front of us. “I think it’s time. I think I’ve always known I would go looking for them eventually. I kind of want to know where I’m from if I’m going to know where I’m going. Logan said he’d help me out.”
The look on her face tells me she doesn’t quite understand, but she gives me a hug anyway and I realize how lucky I am to have such a great friend.
I can only hope my dad will take the news as well as she did.
I don’t even want to think about how Jack is going to react.
I bought the small two story bungalow when I thought I’d have years to fix it up just the way I wanted it. As I stand in the living room surrounded by evidence of a small demolition a.k.a renovation, I wonder how a baby will ever fit into this mess. I see nails on the floor and chemicals that can burn your nose right off. Can you even bring a baby into a recently painted room? Surely the smell was toxic to their little lungs. I think of my art room and the paints I have there. My stomach clenches. Moms-to-be should know these things. Moms-to-be should know a lot of things.
Moms-to-be should, at the very least, have dads-to-be by their side as they wait to break the news to their family.
Or at least be on the same continent.
The kitchen timer dings and shakes me from my thoughts. I check on the pot roast I’d thrown together in the slow-cooker and wince when my stomach roils unpleasantly. Morning sickness—not a fan. Pot roast is my dad’s favorite meal, though, and I made it a point to make it occasionally since my mom died a year ago from cancer. I couldn’t quite get it as good as hers, but it always puts my dad in a good mood.
I know he’s going to be supportive about the pregnancy; he always has been for anything I do. But I don’t know how he’s going to take the news of my wanting to find my biological family. He’s been a little touchy about the subject since Mom passed.
The knock at the door sends my stomach into my throat. I take a sip of water and walk to the door, my heartbeat thudding in my ears. I paste a smile on my face and open the door, but my smile falters when I see my dad on the stoop with a woman by his side.
There’s a beat of awkwardness and I shake it off. “Dad!” I give him a one-armed hug. “Thank you so much for coming.”
“Livvie-Lou, you look beautiful, as usual.” He smiles and turns to the woman. “This is Melissa. She’s just been dying to meet you.”
As Melissa and I exchange pleasantries and I invite them in to the dining room, I try to cover up my shock. Not that Melissa isn’t a good-looking woman, in fact, she seems almost familiar. She looks to be mid-fifties with coarse black hair and friendly brown eyes. I just can’t get around the fact that my father must be dating again.
I guess we both have big news to share tonight.
Dad and Melissa settle at the dining room table and I thank my lucky stars I at least got the dining room renovations done. I serve bowls of steaming hot pot roast complete with potatoes, baby carrots and a side roll.
“Anything to drink?” I ask them, shifting nervously from foot to foot.
“Water’s fine for me,” Melissa says with a kind smile.
“Come sit down, girl. You look famished.” Dad takes a big bite of the pot roast and groans. “Delicious, as always.”
I do as he asks, but I can’t stomach a bite and instead sift through the pot roast as they eat and make small talk. I learn that Melissa is a secretary at the Marin County School Board, which is probably why she looks familiar. She has an easy smile and my dad clearly adores her, so I choose to be happy for them.
“How did you two meet?” I ask. I manage to nibble
on my roll, which is just about the only thing I can stomach these days.
“Melissa bought the cabin next to mine a few weeks ago.”
“He came over to help fix my front stoop when the boards started rotting out.”
They share a smile.
As we clean up the dinner dishes I pull my dad aside. He smiles, his weather-worn cheeks dimpling and the corners of his eyes wrinkling. “What’s going on, Livvie-Lou? You’ve been twitchy as a lighting bug all night. I hope you didn’t mind that I brought Melissa over.”
I shake my head. “No, no of course not. I’m glad you’ve started seeing someone. Mom wouldn’t have wanted you to be lonely.”
Melissa excuses herself under the guise of freshening up and I send her a grateful smile. Dad guides me to the porch swing he’d installed for me a few months earlier.
“Tell me what’s wrong,” he says, his voice firm and implacable. He throws a reassuring arm around my shoulders and pulls me close to his side.
I sigh, content. After I was adopted it took me a long time to warm up to my new family, my new house…my new life. Dad would always take me on the front porch and talk to me—about nothing really. Life, the stars, the bats that swoop down catching bugs. After a while, I started talking back. Some of my favorite memories take place at night on a porch swing.
“I don’t exactly know how to tell you,” I start.
He doesn’t push or prod, just rubs my arm and gently rocks the swing with one booted foot.
“I’m going to have a baby,” I blurt. “You’re going to be a grandpa.”
His arm stills and tightens on my shoulder for one significant pause before the swing rocks unsteadily as his feet thump to a stop. He throws his burly arms around my neck and squeezes the breath out of me.
His breath catches in his throat and I hear the soft rumble of his voice in my ear. “That’s good news, honey. That’s good news.”
First to Fight Box Set: Books 1-5 Page 19