Sofie and Jack busy themselves with straightening the mess in the living room while I plop down on the couch, unable to do more than watch listlessly as they clean. They make every effort not to pay any mind to one another, but even I can see they’re both forcing themselves not to watch each other.
Jack takes a load of toys upstairs to the nursery, and Sofie plops down beside me after grabbing my computer from the coffee table.
“What are you doing?” I ask from my curled position on the other end of the couch.
“The police chief said we should share this everywhere we can. I’m going to put a call-out to every friend, family member and classmate on all twenty-three of my friends’ lists. I’ll do the same on yours.” She looks at me, her face illuminated by the glow of the computer screen. “I’ll hack into Jack’s and do his, too. Maybe even spread it to some of my friends to do their thing to make sure the news coverage is spread far and wide.”
For as long as I’ve known her, Sofie has been brilliant, if not a little nerdy. She can do things with computers that make my already-limited skills look like child’s play. In fact, after high school graduation, she went on to university to study things I couldn't even begin to understand. Jack always used to say she could take over the world with the way she knew how to handle men and a computer.
Jack returns with a plate of sandwiches and a big glass of sweet tea. He sets them on the table beside me and says, “Eat.”
There’s nothing I want to do less than eat, but I know I haven’t had anything in twenty-four hours and I have to keep up my strength, so I do as he asks. I choke down bites of it with the refreshing glass of tea as Sofie clicks away on her computer and Jack scowls at her from his perch on the recliner.
With each hour that passes, the sucking hole in my stomach grows until I feel like I’m going to be swallowed by it. When darkness falls, Sofie has exhausted all of her resources and Jack has taken to pacing the length of the couch as we wait for word from Ben and Logan.
I almost jump out of my seat when I hear the lock clicking on the front door and Logan’s smooth voice trailing through. I immediately jump to my feet and race to the door, hope surging to my throat.
The look on Ben’s face tells me all I need to know, however, and my knees just go out, making me fall against him. I sense Logan heading to the living room, presumably to tell the others the news—or lack thereof, rather. Ben murmurs to Logan to let the others know they can head home until tomorrow.
Ben gathers me close to his chest like he did in the conference room, only this time, I’m too raw to cry out my pain. I feel like I have nothing left. I’m completely empty inside. As the others talk to Logan, Ben leads me up the stairs to my master bathroom.
His once light-hearted face is completely somber as he undresses me. When I am standing before him naked, he turns on the shower and adjusts the temperature. I watch listlessly as he sheds his own clothes, too numb to react in any way whatsoever.
He pulls me underneath the warm spray and I mold to him, drawing what strength I can from his embrace. The water sluices over us both, washing away the grime and sweat. We take turns lathering up a washcloth and rubbing it over each other.
Ben still hasn’t said a word, but I’m starting to learn that this new Ben doesn’t need to talk a lot to get his point across. Regardless, what little energy I had was completely sucked out of me when Cole wasn’t with him when he came home. I slip into one of his shirts that somehow showed up mixed in my laundry. The smell manages to calm my jangled nerves somewhat. I brush my teeth as he tugs on a pair of briefs.
He slides into the covers and holds them open for me. I join him, snuggling into his shoulder and plastering my body against his. I fall asleep to the cadence of his heartbeat with the hope that the next day will bring good news.
Ben
Watching Olivia shuffle around her house like the life has been sucked out of her hurts just as much as not knowing where our son is. Every other day, I woke up wrapped in her scent, wrapped in her. Her legs and arms twined around me like she was afraid I would somehow disappear again.
But not today.
Today, I woke to a cold, empty bed, and as I watch her make half-hearted attempts at conversation, I feel the same emptiness clawing at my chest. Guilt burns heavy and hot in my stomach.
I find her in the downstairs bath, hands sheathed in yellow rubber gloves as she scrubs the tub with a sponge. “Baby, why don’t you sit down for a while?”
She doesn’t look up at me when she responds, “No, I’m okay. I need to keep busy or I’m going to go crazy waiting. Has Sofie heard anything?”
“No, not yet.” I hate this helpless feeling. I’ve been running from feeling like this ever again.
“Okay. I’m almost done here, I promise.”
She doesn’t notice when I leave. Yesterday, she was vulnerable, open to using me to support her when she was breaking down, but her defenses have shored up overnight. Her self-reliance is something I’ve grown to love and admire about her over the years. As someone who has had a stable, supportive family, I can’t imagine what it was like to grow up without one, then have what little you did have ripped away from you. Time and time again. And now this.
My phone chirps and I answer it automatically, “Hart.”
“It’s Logan. No updates, but I just wanted to check on the both of you. How are you holding up?”
I glance back at the open door of the bathroom and see Olivia now scrubbing the grout. “As good as we can, considering. Did you check on what I asked?” A weighted silence answers me on the other end. I grip the bridge of my nose with two fingers. When he doesn’t respond, I prompt, “Logan?”
“I’m looking into it, but it may take some time.”
“That’s not something we have much of at the moment.”
“I’ve got a lead I’m following, so I should have something for you soon. Keep your head up, man. We’ll find him.”
I end the call without saying goodbye as my stomach clenches. I can’t help but feel like I should have stayed away when I had the chance.
Sofie and Jack are busy arguing in the living room, so I use their distraction to slip out to the backyard with Hank. Olivia has since moved on to distract herself with the upstairs bath.
The storms the day before sapped the heat from the region and as a result, the air is refreshingly cool. I sink down on the glider on the back porch and stare blindly into the yard as Hank investigates every bush and tree trunk. I’m a miserable combination of anger, despair, and regret.
The tenuous relationship Olivia and I had managed to cultivate after years of hit and misses won’t survive this latest devastation. I’d taken the one chance I had at happiness—however short—and wanted to run with it. Now, it seems as though it’s going to slip through my hands again.
The nine months I’d been deployed after our night together were some of the worst I’d ever had—and it wasn’t my first, so that’s saying something. The years of devastation had only made everyone involved meaner, more determined and even worse—more desperate.
Coming back from that, I was in no shape to be any good for her. Learning that she had a kid when I was gone only devastated me all the more. The only thing I could think when I laid eyes on them the first time was that I had missed out on my chance. I was too blinded by all I had lost to realize that everything I wanted was right in front of me.
And now it may be too late for any of it.
Around me, the world is still turning; the birds sing in the trees and I hear the laughter of children playing in the backyard down the street. I note these things and wonder if I’ll ever be able to enjoy the simple things I liked so much again.
Even if we find Cole, they’d be better off without me.
“Ben!”
The scream shakes me to my core and I jump to my feet and rush back inside. I find the three of them huddled around Livvie, who is holding my cell phone. Tears are streaming down her face and my heart stops in m
y chest.
“Yes,” she says. “We’re on our way.”
The phone falls from her limp fingers to the floor and she doesn't notice, as she’s already running toward the door. I scoop it into my fingers and race after her. By the time I reach her, she’s already in my truck, buckled and backing out of the drive. She barely notices me, only stopping just enough to let me hop in the passenger’s seat.
Jack waves from the driveway and shouts, “We’ll meet you there!”
Beside me, Livvie whips through traffic with the agility of a seasoned racecar driver as she whispers, “Come on. Come on.”
I don’t want to ask her what the call was about. I’m almost afraid to know.
We make it across town in record time. She brings the truck to a screaming halt, not bothering to turn it off as she flings the door open and jumps out. The press must have already got wind of the news because they huddle around the entrance like buzzards scenting a fresh kill. I pocket the keys and follow her into the police station, barely breathing as the wings of hope beat in my chest.
Inside, the station is quiet save for the rustle of papers and the soft murmur of conversation. It ratchets the hooks of anxiety ever tighter around my lungs. Livvie spots Logan standing outside of the conference room about the same time I do. She reaches for my hand and I take it, grateful for the small measure of comfort.
The length between us feels never-ending, but when we reach Logan’s side his face brightens with a smile, and I nearly drop to my knees. The relief is all-encompassing. She spares Logan a glance and inhales deeply before opening the door to the conference room.
I let out a breath I didn’t know I am holding when the air is rent with the squalling of a very unhappy baby. I never thought I’d be so happy to hear someone cry.
Livvie lets out a sob, lets go of my hand, and falls to her knees in front of the female officer holding a very unhappy Cole, who notices his mother for the first time and holds out his arms. She accepts him into her embrace and he makes happy sounds, though he’s still sniffling. Her shoulders shake as she cries into his hair.
Logan puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder, and I realize silent tears are streaking down my own face. I clear my throat and wipe them away as Jack and Sofie arrive—for once, not arguing.
Sofie bursts into tears the moment she sees Livvie on the floor and Cole looking around at all the adults in confusion. She nearly collapses, but Jack is there in a moment, supporting her with an arm around her waist.
Cole looks up at me and gives me a gummy smile. His little hand reaches out to me and he says quite clearly, “Da-da.”
Relief is both welcome and crushing. I gather him in my arms and take comfort in the fact that my fuck up didn’t cost him his life.
Olivia
A few hours later we reconvene at the house once the media furor has died down.
“They found him in an empty car—a white SUV—at the gas station over on Seventh Street. Someone recognized the description from one of Sofie’s social media call outs and reported the car to the police. They went out to check and found Cole asleep in the back seat.”
I rub my hand over a sleeping Cole’s back. “A white SUV?” My mind flashes back to the day we were attacked at the doctor’s office and the few glimpses I’d manage to get of the car they were driving.
“It’s possible,” Logan says, knowing where my mind was going. “We ran the plates, but they turned out to be stolen. From what we can gather, they were heading out of town. The back was full of suitcases, baby toys and clothes.”
“So, this couldn’t have been a ransom—not that we have tons of money in the bank. They were truly planning on taking him. Keeping him,” I finish on a whisper, and my body is racked by shivers. I lean down and kiss his forehead. I can’t seem to go a few minutes without touching him in some way. He’s gotten more hugs and kisses in the past few hours than in his entire life, and I’ve always been very affectionate.
“That’s what the evidence points to,” Logan says gently. “But something must have spooked them because they abandoned the car. The witness who found it works across the street. They didn’t see anyone drop it off, just that it had been there for over an hour and he recognized the car from the description Sofie gave.”
I flash Sofie a grateful look, but she’s fast asleep on the couch opposite me with her head cradled in Jack’s lap. While I was in the oblivion of sleep last night, she had been trolling every website and imploring every hacker connection she’s made over the past five years to help find Cole. I’ll never be able to repay her for that.
“What about prints?” Ben asks.
Logan shakes his head. “No luck there. There were too many in the car and none that matched anyone in the system. We believe that since they abandoned the car and didn’t take Cole with them, he should be safe. Even so, I think it would be best if Ben continues to stay with you to keep an eye on things. I can also have a car stationed outside your house until we’re certain they’ve fled the area.”
“I doubt I’ll even sleep tonight, but that sounds great, thank you.” For the foreseeable future, I want to keep Cole as close to Ben and me as possible.
Logan nods. “I need to get back to the station. Take care of yourself.”
Ben stands to walk with him to the door, and I lift Cole up to take him to the portable play pen. At least I can move it around to keep him in sight while he sleeps. As I’m pulling the blanket over him, I catch a thread of Logan and Ben’s whispered conversation in the doorway.
“Did you find him?”
“I have a lead on his last place of residence, but no one’s seen him in months, so it’s possible he’s moved on.”
I hear Ben’s heavy sigh and my heart slows to a heavy thud in my chest. What in the hell are they talking about?
“Thanks, man.”
The door opens and I heft Cole’s pen so it’s shadowed behind the couch. My hands are trembling with a combination of rage and shock, and I can’t believe there’s something Ben is hiding from me that could possibly help find who took Cole.
He appears in the doorway, a hand rubbing his neck with his eyes downcast.
“Was that about Mason?”
Ben’s head jerks up and he says softly, “No.”
“Then what is it about?” After the horrors of the past few days, the last thing I want are more secrets—or more surprises.
“Livvie not now.” His face is hard and closed-off, and it sparks to life the dregs of anger that have been building since this whole mess started.
“No!” I yell. “I’ve had enough of wondering what’s going on inside that head of yours. And bullshit that it doesn’t have to do with Cole. You wouldn’t be asking Logan to check in on someone right now if it didn’t have to do with Cole.”
“I’m telling you right now, Livvie, this isn’t something I want to discuss, so drop it.”
“After what we just went through, what we’ve been building, I think you owe it to me to explain. Let me in, something.”
He doesn’t answer; his facial expression doesn’t even change. My sinuses begin to tickle, but I force myself not to cry—again—even though I want to. I stand in front of him, feeling like I’m wide open, baring my soul for him, but he doesn’t give me anything. And that hurts so much worse.
His expression hardens further. “I told you what I could give you a long time ago, Liv,” he says, his voice rough. “I told you what I was capable of. Either way, this business,” he gestures with a finger in a circle, “has nothing to do with you.”
He gives me one last hard look then brushes past me.
I wake later that night to an empty bed. I’d gotten so used to Ben’s warmth that the cool sheets beside me make me frown. Sliding from underneath the comforter, I grab my robe from the rocking chair, slipping it on as I take the stairs down to the first floor. Hank barks outside, and the sound leads me to the back porch where I find Ben. I stop in the doorway, the cool night air swirling around my bare le
gs.
Ben is sitting with his head cradled in his hands, wearing a pair of sweats sans his customary black T-shirt. Normally, the sight of his bare body would send my hormones into overdrive, but this feels wrong. This feels like the Ben from the night of the break-in, the one who has a penchant for leaving. A hollow feeling takes up residence in my stomach.
“Ben?” I pause in the doorway, unsure if I want to even have this conversation. Maybe it would be better all-around if I were to just turn right back around and pull the covers over my head like a child who's afraid of the dark.
He turns to look at me, his face pale in the yellow cast from the porch light. He clears his throat. “I’ve been thinking… Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.”
My heart stops. “What wasn’t a good idea?”
“Us,” he says. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to keep seeing each other. I still want to be a part of Cole’s life, be his father… but, aside from that, I think it would be best if we were just friends.” He licks his lips and looks at me as though I should happily agree with his statement and go on my merry way.
“After—” My voice breaks, so I clear my throat and lick my lips before I continue. “I told you after you came back that we shouldn’t pursue any kind of romantic relationship.” My voice raises a few octaves. “You were the one who convinced me it would be okay, that this would work. You were the one who came on to me. You—you know what? I’d like you to leave now.”
We finally have our son back safe and sound and he’s leaving me—us—again?
I turn to the kitchen and stalk back upstairs, paying no mind to the awful racket I’m making. My temper reaches a boiling point when I see his clothes strewn all over my room. I lose a growl at the sight and stalk to my closet where his giant duffle bags have taken up residence.
I hear him enter the room, but I ignore that. Instead, I grab his duffle bags and toss them on the bed. I go to my dresser and open each of the drawers he’s taken over, tossing his things on the bed. Dresser finished, I do the same with the toiletries in the bathroom and the clothes hanging up in my closet.
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