by Loretta Lost
Cole sits on the bed and brushes his hand over Joy’s hair. “I can’t say I won’t be angry at you for this, Scarlett. If she is our child, well, that’s beautiful, but it’s also dreadful. It’s unbearable to think we were separated from her for even a moment. I don’t know how I’m ever going to look at you the same, knowing that you did this to me.” He turns his head sharply and fixes me with a cruel gaze. “I love you, but there are some lines you should never cross. How could I ever trust you again?”
I feel like I am being repeatedly punched in the gut.
“Cole,” I say brokenly, sitting on the bed and reaching for his hand. “I’m so sorry.”
He pulls his hand away from mine. “Please don’t touch me right now.”
“No,” I say firmly. “You have to let me touch you. Because I am fucking miserable, and I need a little bit of hope to get me through this. I need something to hold on to, so that when I wake up and Benjamin starts torturing me again, I feel like it’s all going to be okay in the end. Because you’re going to find me somehow, or I’m going to find you, and we will have the happy, fulfilled life we always dreamed about.”
Dream Cole hesitates. But finally, he does reach out and touch my arm. He stares at me for a moment before pressing his lips against my temple in a gesture of kindness. I sigh with relief and sink against him, using him as a crutch for my battered body. A splint for my broken soul.
“Will you hold me for a minute?” I plead, knowing it will kill me if he refuses. “Before I wake up, and you’re gone.”
He nods, lifting the blankets and gesturing for me to climb under them. When I do, he joins me, and I quickly wrap myself around him and lay my head on his shoulder. He is so warm. I’ve been cold for weeks—or days, depending on how long I’ve been here. Of course, I always thought that the moment the door was open and Benjamin wasn’t around, I would grab Joy and make a break for it. But this is just a dream, and I need one moment with Cole, even an apparition of Cole, as much as I need to breathe. I need him far more than I need my freedom.
For several seconds, I try to commit the feeling of his body to memory. I try to remember his smell, and the shape of him in my arms. I press a small kiss against his lips, and I try to remember his taste, spiced with cinnamon and a touch of honey, like applesauce at harvest. I try to create a little sample-sized memory of everything that makes Cole Cole, and tuck it away in my pocket for a rainy day without him. And all my days have been rainy days, lately.
So I’ll need to treasure this little jar of applesauce. I’ll have to seal it away in the basement somewhere, in a corner where I store all my other memories of him. Like his letters.
He massages his hand over my back lovingly. “Doesn’t it feel weird once you know it’s a dream? Doesn’t it feel a bit like I’m a mannequin and you’re a weirdo, pretending I’m real?”
“No,” I tell him softly. “Because dreams are magical, and I believe we have some sort of connection between us. What good is love if it doesn’t create some sort of spiritual link that can keep us close when we’re vastly separate? So you can’t fool me, Dream Cole. I know that there is some part of Real Cole in you. You’re not just a figment of my imagination.”
“Like Snow?”
I hesitate. “Snow is not a figment either. From what she tells me, you already know that.”
“I know a lot of things. But I don’t know nearly enough things.”
“That’s a cute way of saying ‘I’m sorry I slept with your sister.’”
“Is that what she is? Your sister?” he asks, suddenly interested. “Are you really upset at me for being with her? I can try to stop, but she can pretend to be you really convincingly sometimes.”
I roll my eyes upon learning this. “No, no. I’m not really mad, I’m just poking fun. She is my sister, but she also isn’t. She also is me.” A small smile touches my lips. “She’s my everything. And sometimes, lately, I think we have been one person, Cole.”
“Really, Scar? That’s wonderful! That means you’re getting healthier, right?”
“Maybe. It could also just mean that Snow and I are working together to defeat Benjamin instead of working against each other, like we usually do.”
“We need to take the win,” Cole says. “You’re getting healthier. My doctor, Annabelle, would have said so, and congratulated you on huge progress.”
I smile sadly, choosing not to mention the part about a possible new personality emerging. Even in my dreams, I can’t be completely honest and open with Cole—because I am not ready to admit to myself that there might be an additional personality, or face the potential repercussions.
There is already too much to face. Like Joy. It was easy to tell him like this, but how will I ever tell him in the real world?
I snuggle closer to him and slide my hand over his abdomen to hug his waist. He also caresses my back, and I feel perfectly, blissfully happy for a moment. Joy stirs in her sleep behind me, and I can feel her knee brush against my back. The reminder of her presence, and Cole’s embrace, makes me feel like I have a little family. It is a feeling I’ve never experienced before, and one I never thought I’d have.
I want this so much that I am scared to breathe, lest it makes them both disappear.
But I must breathe.
And they are still here.
It’s warm, and cozy, and magical. I have a small out-of-body experience where I feel like I float above myself, looking down, and admiring the sweet domestic scene. I wish I could take a picture, and keep it forever, because I know how quickly this can all disappear. I’m not alone. I have them.
And then it all starts creeping back into my head. All the memories, the realities, the physical pain. I am snapped back to myself, and back to being overwhelmed with negativity. I know how quickly it will disappear, and turn to ruin.
“Cole? You know the worst part of all this?” I ask him.
“I think all of it is the worst part,” he answers.
“Other than that. The very worst part is that Benjamin makes me feel like I’m powerless, like I’m twelve years old again. And back when I was twelve, I hadn’t met you. I had no hope. No ability to imagine anything good ever happening. Every day that I’m stuck in this place, drags me back a little closer to that terrified kid I used to be. That homeless, unloved, unwanted kid, who wanted to die. Because she just wanted something good to happen, and that was the only sure thing—that death would steal away everything bad, and all the pain would go away.”
“Oh, Scar.”
I press my forehead against his shoulder. “Sometimes, these past few days, that’s still all I can think about. I just want the pain to go away. I try to remember you, and remember that we were together and happy, not too long ago. But it feels like another lifetime. It’s hard to believe it’s true, that we found each other again, that we are committed to each other, when we spent so many years apart.”
Tears begin to slide from my eyes.
“It feels like all our time together was all a dream, and this is my real life. Maybe I never even met you when I was thirteen. Maybe we never killed the Professor, went to MIT, or started the company. It was all just my imagination. The whole time, I’ve been locked up in this room, being drugged and raped by a crooked politician. For decades.”
“You know that’s not true. What we had was real, Scar. What we made was real. All of it. Every painful, beautiful moment of us.”
I shake my head. “I can’t hope for you, Cole. Deep down, I don’t believe it will ever work out for us. There, I said it. That’s the truth. I think of you, and all I feel is afraid. I’m afraid to lose you again, because I know I could never survive that.”
Cole sighs. “You’re stronger than this, my love.”
“Am I?” I whisper. “Because lately, I’ve been thinking the most perfect time of my life was with Zack. I didn’t feel anything too strongly. I wasn’t in love, but I got things done. I was hidden, safe, under the radar. I had a good job, a daily routine, lots
of coffee, but no deep and earth-shattering connections.”
“Don’t we need those?” he asks. “To make life meaningful?”
“I don’t think we do. So many people go through their whole lives without experiencing such a profound love. But maybe that’s for the best. Love isn’t safe, Cole. By definition, love means risking everything. I’m only back in this situation with Benjamin because of you. And I don’t really regret it, because I would do anything for you. I would die for you, and if the time we spent in Nevada and L.A. was all we get for the rest of my life, then I am grateful. I am grateful to you for being you, and to all the stars that aligned to give me that time with you, before my death. Every moment was so precious and rare—of course it couldn’t last. How could such pure, limitless happiness last forever? It’s like we were defying the gods by being together—those jealous gods couldn’t dare to think that we mortals might be happier than they, with a more divine sort of love. A fated love. So they intervene, and take it away, because after all, we are mortal, and therein lies our weakness. By virtue of mortality, all things must come to an end, including our great love.”
“Scar,” Cole says, and he is crying unashamedly. “Do you really feel so strongly about me, about us? I thought I was the only one. In the past, I have told you that you were my obsession, my purpose, my endgame. But what I didn’t say was that you were my holy grail. Every day I spend with you, is a day when I feel truly alive, and like I am living my life in the fullest, most satisfying, productive, aware way possible. Every day that I wake up with you beside me, I feel like a better man. So why are you talking about us like it’s already over? If we have this most precious commodity, the coveted gift from the gods that everyone on this planet is madly searching for, why wouldn’t we do everything in our power to protect it, and prolong our time with it? Why would we do anything to jeopardize it, be afraid of it, or run from it?”
“Because,” I whisper, “if we never touch the precious object, we cannot damage it. If we tuck it away in a museum, behind glass, we cannot hold it and potentially drop it and break it. It is very heavy, our love. It has sustained so many beatings already, and I don’t want to test it any further. I don’t want to keep possession of it, to keep holding it and admiring it, enjoying it, only to someday accidentally smash it to bits. Everything gets broken, everything dies. And on the day our love begins to crack and wither, I don’t want to be there to see it.”
“But the moment you give up on it—the moment you’re not there, you are causing it to crack and wither.”
I pause. “Maybe. But it didn’t before. We know, Cole. We don’t need to live it, to know it exists. We don’t need to be together—maybe being together is what jeopardizes our love. Taunting the gods, and whatnot. We both understand the power of what we have between us.”
Sitting up slightly, Cole takes both of my hands in his. “Scarlett. Snow. Serena. Sophie. Whoever you have been, and whoever you will be. In this lifetime or others, various reincarnations, or parallel universes. My incredible, brilliant woman of a thousand names, faces, and bodies. If we know how much power lies between us, we need to also know how much power we each possess within ourselves, as individuals. And we need to know that if we ever feel weak, or small, or overwhelmed, we can draw upon that shared power, and lean on each other. For god’s sake, girl! You lean on yourself so hard that you shatter. Why don’t you try leaning on me for a change? I may not be there with you physically, but I am here, Scar.
“Use my strength,” he demands. “Wherever you are, I am. I’m inside you, in the fabric of who you are, just as much as Snow is. So, use me.”
His words are overwhelming. They touch me deeply, and make my insides explode with color. If only he knew what his words do to me. It’s terrifying. “Cole,” I whisper. “I don’t know how.”
“It’s easy. You just believe.”
“I do. But I’m scared. I’m scared of us, Cole. That power goes both ways. That power can turn against us and devour us just as easily as it can build us up and support us. You need to recognize that. When we’re together, when we’re blissfully, transcendently happy, that’s when we’re always in the most danger. When we have the most to lose.”
Hesitating, I look away from him. “What if we’re not meant to be together? What if we’re meant to love each other from far away? Build lives with other people? I would be okay with that, as long as we stay in touch, send letters. As long as I know that you’re happy.”
“Scarlett—stop. We tried that already. We were both miserable.”
“Maybe the letters were too slow. Now that I can use the internet, we can text, Skype, Facetime—”
“Just stop. You know it won’t work.”
“But Cole—”
His face is growing more focused as he becomes livid. “You can try all you want, Scarlett. You can try to break us apart to save us, the way you’ve done with yourself. But I’ve come here, into your dream, across the distance and dimensions, to assure you that your plan will fail. And I don’t blame you for trying, and for testing me, and testing us, as much as you have. To surrender to a higher power completely, you need to have not only knowledge and understanding of its existence—but faith.
“And, my love, if your faith should ever waver, know that I am a patient man. I welcome all your challenges. And I will wait for you until the end of time, until all the stars turn to dust, if that’s how long it will take to prove that our love is shatterproof. Maybe then, you will finally believe me.”
“But I hope you believe much sooner—maybe even while we still have bodies that burn for each other. Hotter than all those blue-white stars. Because that is how I burn for you, Serena. And I will continue to burn for you with every cell in my body, until my final breath.”
I wake up. Sitting up in bed, I place my hands over my chest, feeling an incredible warmth.
I sit here for several minutes, just basking in the comforting warmth.
What a beautiful dream. The most beautiful dream I’ve ever had.
Surprisingly hot tears slide out of my eyes, and down over my smiling lips.
Why is it that such beauty can only come out of terrible darkness? Must it always be this way for me? It doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t trade this beauty for anything.
I reach beside me for where Cole was lying in the dream, searching for any lingering warmth. But his body was never there. And after these words, it doesn’t even matter.
I feel renewed. I feel powerful. I feel like I’m going to get out of this situation today. I just needed to be reminded of who I am. Who we are.
I can handle all the darkness. If I have to suffer through the deepest despair for my perfect kind of love, maybe that’s a price worth paying.
Reaching to my other side, I place my hand on Joy’s shoulder and gently shake her awake. “Sweetie? Time to wake up. We need to make a plan.”
Chapter Twenty
Serena
Joy rubs her eyes and yawns as she wakes up slowly.
Somehow, Cole’s words have lifted me so high that all the pain Benjamin caused me has vanished. It’s as though Benjamin, my broken body, and my broken life, never existed. There is only Cole, and only hope.
I have often heard older women describe being in love as when their man still makes them feel like a giggling schoolgirl. But if somehow we are able to get through all this and end up together, I think I will say that Cole still reminds me of a cult leader, prophet, and king, rolled up into one, and sometimes when he speaks, I still want go get down on my knees and worship, hang on his every word, and pick up a sword and follow him into battle against an army that vastly outnumbers our own. Oh, and the schoolgirl thing.
Of course, I logically know that Cole wasn’t inside my head.
I logically know that dreams are random firings of synapses.
But it sounded so much like him. It reminded me of all the times he’s said similar things. And I felt like there was some kind of magic in that dream, and at least s
ome part of it had to be more than just what I imagine Cole would say, and more than what I wish most that Cole would say.
Some part of it was Cole. It had to be.
That’s what I’m hanging on to, and right now, I really need something to hang on to.
So don’t take this away from me, with logic.
Heck, the whole dream might have been Snow dressing up in a man-costume to cheer me up.
It wasn’t me, Snow says softly. And just so you know, Serena, for over twenty years, I’ve had my own dreams. Down here in the basement, I go to sleep on a simple tatami mat on the cold, wet floor. And I dream of violence, usually. But for the first time... I think I had the same dream as you.
Whoa, I say to her, as I get a little shiver.
Or at least parts of it overlapped. She explains. I didn’t know you had the same dream as me, until I heard you thinking about it... and yeah. This must be important, right?
It must be Cole. I tell her. He must have somehow found a way to reach me.
Of course, it would be nice if he could actually reach us. In person. And stop Benjamin from harming you.
But why would he need to do that? I ask Snow cheerfully. That is your job, after all!
It is? Yeah! I mean, of course, it is. What do you have in mind?
You’ll see. I’m going to formulate a plan with Joy, but I don’t want you to pay attention, okay? I think that if you know, it will ruin the surprise. So, plug your ears.
Is the surprise Benjamin’s head on a platter?
Who knows. It could be.
Damn you, Serena. This is really intriguing. You’re not usually this cunning and manipulative.