Dani licked her lips, swallowed her fear. “We can talk about anything, I promise.”
Shannon looked so tortured that Dani immediately wrapped her in a tight hug. Something was horribly wrong and horribly frightening. It couldn’t be the job thing. This was something much bigger. Oh God, Dani thought, trying hard not to let her panic show.
“Are you sick?” she finally blurted out.
“Not exactly,” Shannon whimpered into her shoulder.
“What do you mean? What’s wrong?”
It took another minute or two, during which Dani thought she might die from the stress of the situation, before Shannon pulled away and looked tearfully into her eyes. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”
Oh God, this must be bad! She swallowed hard. “So sorry for what? For God’s sake, take a deep breath and just tell me, okay?”
“There’s something I should have told you a few weeks ago. I know I should have, and there really is no excuse, but—”
Dani tuned out her partner’s ramblings, a little relieved that whatever this secret was, it had nothing to do with her jobless state. It was something Shannon hadn’t told her; something about Shannon. And now she was talking about doctors and tests. “What? Is there something wrong with you?”
Shannon nodded, sobbed a few more tears. “A baby. I can’t have a baby.”
“You can’t what?”
“I’m so sorry Dani. I’ve had every test possible and they all come back the same. I’m infertile. There’s no possibility of a baby.”
The words crackled in the air. Dani’s lungs were on fire. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t talk, couldn’t even cry. Her dream had just been snatched away, and she had not even seen the thief creeping up on it. She sank back into the sofa, stunned, scared. Having a baby, something they’d discussed for three years, had seemed like fruit dangling from a tree just beyond their reach but there for the taking whenever they were ready. Like buying a house or a car or planning a vacation, they’d taken it for granted, as though it were their right to have a baby whenever they chose to. They were ready now. And yet the decision had been taken out of their hands. No amount of money or negotiation or praying was going to change it.
Dani began to cry into her hands. It was another grave, soul-destroying disappointment. Parenthood was something she would never have now, never accomplish, the way her parents and siblings had so easily done. Her hysterectomy a few years ago hadn’t entirely snuffed out her hopes for a baby, because she was so sure Shannon would be able to bear children. They’d not been in a hurry because they had wanted to buy a house, be financially secure first. Even with Dani’s job down the drain, Shannon’s biological clock was ticking and they could not put it off any longer. But they had put it off too long, and now the window was closed.
Shannon put her arm around her and pulled her close. They cried together. For the moment, Dani was too numb to be angry. Anger would come, it would rush into the void that was in her soul, but not yet. Right now she wanted to feel sorry for herself, wanted to beat herself up a little. You’re not good enough to be a parent. Smack! You’re a loser. No job, no baby. Smack! You can’t do anything right. Smack!
“Please say something,” Shannon finally said. “You can be angry at me, I deserve it.”
“I’m not angry with you.”
“I should have at least told you sooner.”
“Yes, you should have.” Dani’s anger threatened to burble up and she had to bite down on the inside of her cheek to stop it. How could she condemn Shannon for keeping a secret, when she too had been keeping one?
“I didn’t want to ruin the wedding. I didn’t want to crush your hopes.”
“I know.” And Dani did know. They were the same reasons why she’d kept her own secret. Each of them had been shouldering such a heavy burden when they should have been there for one another, sharing the load. “Shit.” This was a hell of a way to start their marriage.
“I’ll understand if you want to, you know . . .” Shannon sniffled, still teary, unable to say the words.
“If I want to what?”
“You know, postpone things.”
Postpone the wedding? Panic and disbelief gripped her. “Is that what you want?”
Shannon’s eyes flashed wide. “No! Of course not.”
Calm down, she commanded herself. There was not going to be a wedding postponement or any high drama tomorrow. Unless Shannon couldn’t forgive her for losing her job and not telling her about it. There was still that little matter to clear up. Oh, well. What the hell! She was all in, the cards dealt. Go big or go bust, those were her choices now. “There’s something I need to tell you too.”
“Okay.” Shannon looked relieved to have the attention shift away from her.
“You’re going to be mad at me for this.”
“I am? Oh God, what did you do?”
“Who said I did anything?”
Shannon’s face paled. “You didn’t have an affair, did you?”
“What? That’s a hell of a thing to say!”
“Shit. Sorry. But I mean, what am I supposed to think when you tell me I’m going to be mad at you?”
“Well, it sure as hell wasn’t having an affair! Jesus, give me some credit, would you?”
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.”
Dani pouted as Shannon took her hand and soothed her with affection and reassurance. Dani was being petulant, feeling far less than perfect. But at least she’d never had an affair, and so she clung to that with righteous indignation. “You know I would never do anything like that to you for God’s sake.”
“I know, I know. I didn’t mean it, it just came out. Please tell me what’s going on.”
It was so damned hard admitting her failure to the person she loved the most, the person whose respect and trust she most desired. But the moment was here, they were both raw and open from Shannon’s news, and she could not go back now. “I lost my job.”
“You what?”
Was she really going to have to repeat it? “For Christ’s sake, you heard what I said!”
Shannon’s mouth dropped open and her cheeks flared red like she’d been slapped. “Oh my God, you lost your job?”
“Do you want me to shout it down the hall? YES, DANI BERRINGER IS UNEMPLOYED!”
“Jesus, honey, don’t get pissed off at me! I’m just trying to process this!”
Dani took deep gulps of air, like a drowning person bobbing in the water. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. Christ.”
“When did this happen?”
“Seven weeks ago. With the economic downturn, they decided they had too many managers and they let me go.”
Shannon tried to hide her shock but not well enough. Dani could see it wasn’t easy for her. She looked like she was trying to catch falling snowflakes, except that they were falling faster than she could collect them. “God, what are we going to do?”
“I’ve been looking for another job, but managers and lower level executives are a dime a dozen right now. We’ll be okay for a few months, then . . . I don’t know. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about this when it happened?” Shannon’s words stung, even though her tone wasn’t critical.
“I guess for the same reasons you didn’t tell me about the baby. I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want you to worry. I just wanted to get through this damned wedding and then deal with it.”
Shannon scrubbed at her cheeks worriedly. “We didn’t need to have such a lavish wedding. We could have changed it, canceled it. Something.”
“I know, but I always wanted a fancy wedding, you know that. It was so close, and we couldn’t have gotten our money back on most of it anyway.”
“Shit, Dani. Being together is what’s important, not a lavish wedding. I never wanted any of this.”
“Well I did, okay? You can blame it on me, spending money like a drunken sailor, as usual. It was me being irresponsible with money.
” They’d had this same argument many times before, with Dani always promising to cut back on her spending. Well, now she would finally be forced to, and so the argument was moot.
“Honey, I don’t want to fight. Please. It’s the last thing we need.”
Dani closed her eyes and felt the sting of exhaustion and sorrow behind her eyelids. Everything was up in smoke, it seemed. Their entire future was being rewritten, authored by circumstance and not choice. Somehow, they were going to have to pick their way through this new landscape. The first thing she was going to have to come to terms with was her pride. Stupid, stupid pride! She could see now how it had cost her. By keeping her job loss from Shannon, she had sacrificed Shannon’s trust, love and support in order for this lavish wedding to go ahead. That same overblown pride of hers was partly responsible for Shannon keeping her own secret, because Shannon hadn’t wanted to crush her hopes, hadn’t wanted to ruin the wedding for Dani’s sake. And that was the thing. So much of what they’d done the last few years revolved around what Dani wanted, around Dani’s moods. Moving downtown, living lavishly, having a stay-at-home wife, a baby. Somehow it had all become about Dani needing to prove things to people. Well, that shit was going to have to change. And now!
Dani threw her head back against the sofa and stared at the ceiling. It was going to be a long damned night. And there were going to be more tears.
Chapter Thirty-One
Shannon
Thank God for makeup, because Shannon knew she looked like hell. Staying up most of the night had ravaged her. So had shedding the emotional load they’d both been carrying around for weeks. The weariness in her face and body was a small price to pay for her new sense of freedom and the relief. They would work this out, were working it out, still had one another. They were bonded together for better or worse, stronger than ever. And while their problems were a long way from being solved, at least they were tackling them together now. She shot a wink at Dani, her rock, who stood at her side, holding her hand and smiling at her.
It was with this newfound lightness in her step that she waited with her betrothed to make their grand entrance into the small chapel. They had chosen a nontraditional walk up the aisle, side by side, and they would dance, not walk. No one was giving them away. They were giving themselves to each other and entering this marriage together, happily. Yes, breaking tradition, breaking free from the shackles of customs and expectations was the perfect way to start off their marriage. Queen’s “You’re My Best Friend” was blasting through the speakers. She’d already glimpsed Amanda, Heather, Claire and Jordan each dance their way up the aisle. Now it was their turn.
She appraised Dani in her black tux—handsome and strong, a little worse for lack of sleep like herself, but she was happy. Dani winked back at her, squeezed her hand, and they grinned stupidly at one another, as if to say, wow, are we really doing this? Did we really make it through the rainstorm of tears together? Yes they were and they did, and it felt absolutely right.
They shoved open the double doors to the hotel’s small chapel, waited until all eyes were on them like a spotlight. Hand in hand, they started down the aisle, dancing and twirling one another as the song rolled over them and carried them joyously to the altar, as if on a wave. Dani dipped her at their destination and Shannon, in her flowing white bridal gown, laughed and curtseyed at her handsome tuxedoed bride. Their guests clapped their approval. The wedding officiant, who was nondenominational, waited for the commotion to die down before she smiled indulgently at them.
“We are gathered today, friends and loved ones, to celebrate the union of Danielle Berringer and Shannon McCarthy. And while their union may not yet be legal in most of our country—and I emphasize the word yet—their love, their commitment, and their pride in that love and commitment is no less profound or meaningful than a husband and a wife’s. If anything, their willingness to overcome the obstacles of joining in marriage only signifies that they are perhaps more committed and more earnest in their love than most.”
The words and the audience’s applause swelled Shannon’s heart. She loved the fact that they were pioneers in this relatively new territory of gay marriage. They were at the forefront of history in the making, helping draw maps in this uncharted territory, and it was thrilling to be a part of it.
The officiant faced Dani first. “Repeat after me. I, Danielle Berringer, take you, Shannon McCarthy.”
Dani repeated the words, staring deeply into Shannon’s eyes. There was a little nervous twitch to her mouth, but her gaze exuded love and confidence.
“To be my wife, my best friend, my partner, my lover, to love and cherish and help you in any way I can. To forsake all others and to be faithful and loyal only to you, for as long as we both shall live.”
Dani repeated the words, then took the ring from Jordan that she would place on Shannon’s finger. Her hand shook a little but her voice was sure as she said, “Let this ring represent my love for you, for it has no beginning and no end. Let this ring always be a reminder to you that I am at your side, always, through all our trials and victories, and through our everyday lives, no matter what life brings us. As long as we wear these rings, my love, we will be joined through time, forever, a circle with no beginning and no end.”
She slipped the ring onto Shannon’s finger, and Shannon had to wipe the tear that had crested and begun to slither down her cheek. She couldn’t find her voice for a moment. If she could give the timeout signal she would have, but instead she cleared her throat and smiled through her tears, finding her strength and forging on.
“I, Shannon McCarthy, take you, Danielle Berringer, to be my wife, my best friend, my partner, my lover, to love and cherish and help you in any way I can. To forsake all others and to be faithful and loyal only to you, for as long as we both shall live.”
She retrieved the ring from Claire, who first pretended to search her tuxedo pockets desperately. It gave Shannon a much-needed laugh.
“This ring is the symbol of all my love and strength, my faith in you and in us, and my loyalty to you, always. This ring is the unbroken circle of my love for you.” She slipped it on Dani’s finger, watching the emotions dance in her eyes. She’d never felt closer to Dani, couldn’t believe now that they’d each kept such an important secret from one another, couldn’t believe they’d not shown more trust in themselves and in each other than that. She would never let it happen again.
The officiant smiled her permission. “Dani and Shannon, you may each kiss your bride.”
Dani scooped her up, lifting her off her feet a few inches and kissed her long and hard, even playfully giving her a little tongue action. The guests whooped and hollered and whistled, and it was the most romantic kiss they’d ever shared—at least in public. When the kiss ended and they hugged tightly, Shannon whispered, “I promise I will never keep a secret from you again.”
“Neither will I, my love. Neither will I.”
“Deal.” Shannon kissed her again, and when they turned to face the audience, everyone was standing and applauding.
This time the two walked slowly down the aisle to Jack Johnson’s “Better Together,” high-fiving as they walked arm in arm. Jordan and Heather followed, then Claire and Amanda. Jordan and Claire, the brides’ two best women, wore matching black tuxedoes with pale Easter yellow bow ties and matching cummerbunds. Amanda and Heather wore knee-length tight dresses in matching yellow satin that showed off slim shoulders and sexy cleavage. They’d had a meeting and decided to pair up according to their personalities and dress, agreeing it would be too weird to see Claire and Jordan walk arm in arm together down the aisle in their tuxes and straight-backed, soft butch demeanors.
The hotel had weddings down to a science, even providing a small studio room for professional photos. While the guests retreated to a private ballroom for cocktails, the wedding party gathered for pictures. Thank God Jordan had thought to sneak in a bottle of champagne for the photo session; it would provide some much-needed lubricatio
n.
“Jesus, I can’t wait to loosen this tie,” Dani complained, making like she was going to rip it off before the photos had begun.
“Don’t you dare,” Shannon scolded.
“I feel like a penguin.”
“Me too,” Jordan whined.
Claire, imperturbable as usual, seemed to be enjoying the dress code. She smiled as if to say, What’s the problem? “You two have never looked so good, and you probably never will again, so enjoy it.”
Shannon winked at her best friend, then stood on her toes to kiss Claire’s cheek. It was fun to see her dressed up and finally, finally looking happy to be here. Whatever had been bothering her off and on all week, she seemed to have put it behind her. “You look gorgeous, my friend.”
“Oh no, you look gorgeous! In fact, you look happier than you’ve looked in a long time.”
“I am. Happy and so relieved and grateful for what I have.”
“Good. I knew it would turn out okay.”
“Do you always have to be so smart?”
Claire laughed. “What can I say. Some days I forget to take my stupid pills.”
Shannon glanced in Amanda’s direction. She looked tight, worried. Or maybe sad. She was such an enigma this week—happy, miserable, happy, then miserable again. “Do me a favor tonight, will you Claire?”
“Of course. Anything.”
“Look after my niece.”
Claire’s face registered surprise. “What do you mean?”
She didn’t know exactly. The words had slipped out, but they seemed appropriate. “I guess . . . I don’t know. She seems a little lost to me, a little adrift. And you’re always such a compass.”
“No, not always. Did you forget I’ve been a little lost myself the last few years?”
“True, but you’re a survivor. You’re the most sensible, grounded, nicest, smartest, most caring woman I know. Besides my wife, of course. I like that you and Amanda are friends, but sometimes . . .” She shook her head and tried to ignore the alarm in Claire’s eyes.
The Wedding Party Page 20