by Jewel E. Ann
They stopped next to a table by the sliding doors.
“Bran, Tabitha, this is Parker. She worked for Sabrina and lived next door to them as well. Parker, these are my other two kids.”
“Nice to meet you. I’m sorry for your loss.”
They both said hi and nodded at her condolences.
“Have you met the Paiges?”
“Who?”
“Sabrina’s family.”
Sabrina was a Westman, so Parker never knew her maiden name. It was probably written on the memorial announcement that she shoved in her purse, not wanting another reminder of Gus’s death. Thinking back, it was surprising that a career-driven woman like Sabrina didn’t keep her maiden name.
They went out back where it was still suffocatingly humid, but facing east it put everyone in the shade, and they had a few big fans on the large porch circulating the heavy air. Trellis lined the sides with climbing vines of honeysuckle. A swing set with a yellow tornado slide sat next to a giant oak tree in the backyard.
“Joe, Stephanie, I’d like you to meet Parker. She was Sabrina’s assistant and their neighbor.”
Joe held out his hand as Stephanie looked up through dark sunglasses, no doubt hiding very swollen eyes. “Hi, Parker, it’s very nice to meet you. Wish it were under better circumstances.”
“Me too.”
Stephanie clutched Joe’s other hand with both of hers and swallowed hard. “Hi,” she whispered like a single word could shatter her composure that hung by a thread. Her chin trembled.
“Where’s Levi?” Gerald asked Joe.
Joe strained his neck. “I’m not sure. Probably in the kitchen with the food or chasing the kids.”
“Hmm …” We’ll find him and I’ll introduce you two before you leave.”
Parker returned a tight smile, having trouble focusing on anything but Stephanie’s body visibly shaking as people passed by giving her hugs and whispering condolences in her ear.
“Where’s the restroom?” Parker asked.
“Down the hall to the right,” Gerald said.
Stephanie flinched when Parker gently slid her hand over Stephanie’s, death gripped to Joe’s.
“Come with me?”
Joe’s brow furrowed, eyes flitting between Parker and his wife.
“Please,” Parker whispered in her ear.
Slowly, Stephanie released her shaky hold on Joe and took Parker’s hand. She deposited her lemonade on the counter then led Stephanie down the hall and past the bathroom. Looking left and then right at the two bedrooms, Parker chose the smaller one that looked like a guest room.
“In here.”
Stephanie stopped at the doorway.
“Come on.” Parker gave her hand a gentle tug.
With hesitant steps, Stephanie followed Parker into the room. Parker shut the door.
“Here.” She motioned for Stephanie to sit on the bed.
Again, Stephanie hesitated for a moment then eased onto the edge of the bed. Parker slowly removed Stephanie’s sunglasses an inch at a time. Her heart twisted in her chest. Stephanie’s eyes were nearly swollen shut. But the moment Parker removed her glasses she choked out another sob that shook her body. Parker sat on the bed next to her and held her hand.
It didn’t matter that Sabrina had an affair. Or that Parker and Gus had crossed too many lines. Two people, loved by many, lost their lives. Surviving the grief was all that mattered.
“I know you don’t know me, but I know what it feels like to lose someone you love. My mom said no amount of pain could ever compare to losing a child. So I’ve taken my worst pain ever and multiplied it times infinity to try and get a glimpse of what you’re feeling right now.”
Stephanie released more sobs and Parker hugged her, pulling her back onto the bed where Stephanie curled into a ball on her side in front of Parker and continued to cry. Parker stroked Stephanie’s long blond hair. “You don’t owe anyone a second of your attention right now. You laid your daughter to rest today…” Parker choked on her own words “…it’s okay to just close your eyes and wait for this day to end.”
*
Many tears later, Stephanie stilled. Her breathing slowed into a soft, steady rhythm. It was the only sound in the room. Parker continued to stroke Stephanie’s hair as she let her own grief have its moment to settle into some sort of reality. Nearly an hour later, the door to the room cracked open. Stephanie didn’t stir an inch. Parker couldn’t see any more than a shadowy outline of someone’s head peeking in, so she eased off the bed, straightening her clothes and smoothing down her hair as she tiptoed to the door.
Sabrina’s brother gave her a curious look as she stepped into the hallway, gingerly closing the door behind her.
“You.” He cocked his head to the side.
“Parker.” She held out her hand.
He smiled a little and took her hand, not really shaking it, just holding it. “Levi Paige.”
“The brother.”
“Yes.”
She looked at their hands. Hers soft with delicate fingers. His brawny with a few callouses. He released it as if he’d forgotten that he’d been holding it. “Nice to meet you. I’m very sorry about your sister and G—” Would his name ever fall from her lips without crushing her heart to get there? “Uh, your brother-in-law.”
“Thank you.” He nodded toward the door. “My mom …” He pointed toward the door, retaining the curious look on his face.
“She’s sleeping. Don’t wake her. Sleep is good. Peaceful. A break from reality.”
“So…” he scratched his chin, and Parker’s eyes went to his wrist where he had a tattoo on the inside of it, but she couldn’t make out what it was “…how does my mom know you?”
“She doesn’t. Well, not really.”
He squinted one eye. “Yet, you were lying with her in bed.”
“Correct.”
Levi continued to question her in silence.
“Gerald introduced us. She seemed to be hanging from a cliff, so I found her a soft place to fall.”
Keeping his gaze on her, he lifted his chin a bit then dropped it into a sharp nod. “I see. Uh, wow, that was very kind of you.”
Parker shrugged. “Kind of a do-unto-others thing.”
“Well, thank you. I don’t really know what else to say.”
“Say there’s still some food left.” She pressed her hand to her stomach.
“Tons. Follow me. I’ll make sure you get only the good stuff. I’ve tried everything.”
“Where did everyone go?”
“Home or out back.” He handed her a plate. “Avoid all mayo-based foods. They’ve been sitting out too long.”
Parker reached for a little turkey sandwich.
“Meat too.” His nose scrunched up.
“What does that leave?”
“Vinegar and oil-based salads, crudités—skip the dip, way too much double dipping today—and desserts.”
Parker’s lips twisted as she inspected the remains. She grabbed a few carrot sticks and took a bite out of one.
“Healthy girl. That’s good.”
“No.” She chewed the warm, dry carrot stick that had minimal crunch left to it. “I’m just waiting for you to go out back so I can raid the desserts in private.”
Levi grabbed a plate and loaded it with a mix of at least a dozen different cookies, bars, and cake. Then he opened the refrigerator. “You driving yourself home?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Water for you.” With his free hand he grabbed a bottle of beer and a bottle of water. “Come on. I hear they have goats in the barn.”
She followed him out the front door, avoiding the remaining family and friends gathered in back. Since the funeral, Levi had shed his vest and bow tie. His shirt was no longer tucked in and his sleeves were still rolled up from helping her push Old Blue out of the way. He didn’t have the tall, lean, Gus-like runner’s stature. Levi was wrapped in well-developed muscles.
Parker opened the sid
e door to the white barn for Levi and then flipped on the lights which amounted to three bare bulbs, one that crackled and flickered.
“Goats? Where are you?”
She snorted a little giggle that felt inappropriate for that day. Levi walked to the opposite end of the barn and turned.
“There’s not a single animal in here. What kind of barn is this?”
Parker plopped down on a hay bale next to a wooden ladder leading up to a loft. “The kind that stores hay and other miscellaneous stuff.” She glanced around at the hooks on the rough wooden walls holding tack, shovels, rope, and a few pitchforks. The stagnant air smelled like wood and moldering hay. “The animals are probably in the other barn.”
Levi sat on the hay bale angled ninety degrees from hers and handed her the bottle of water and the plate of desserts.
“How did you know my sister and Gus?” He twisted off the top to his beer and took a long pull.
She studied him for a few seconds. His presence engulfed everything around them, sturdy like a mighty oak tree, unblemished, commanding yet gentle. Parker admired his air of confidence. Taking a slow breath, she willed herself to keep as much composure as possible. Direct questions about Gus and Sabrina were still too difficult even after days of endless crying.
“They are—” She cleared her throat. “Were my neighbors. And I was Sabrina’s assistant.”
He paused mid-swig and slowly lowered his bottle. “Is your last name Brock? I thought her assistant’s name was Brock, and I was under the impression it was a guy.”
Parker wedged half of a s’mores brownie into her mouth and chewed it while nodding several times. “Brock assisted her with her job. I was the B-team assistant.”
He stretched out his legs and crossed them at the ankles, watching her shove food down like someone with tapeworms. “So you were Brock’s protégé?”
She licked the chocolate off her fingers. “No. I did things like drop off and pick up her dry cleaning, dog walking, dandelion removal, grocery shopping, baking … just random stuff.”
“Oh! You’re the neighbor that I’m supposed to get Rags back from, aren’t you?”
“Are you taking him?”
“Yes. It’s stated in Sabrina’s will. Fitting, I suppose, since I’m the one who gave him to her. He was just a furball pup then. Our parents never let us have pets when we were young. So I gave him to her on her thirtieth birthday.”
Parker felt a pang of disappointment that Rags was leaving her too, even if she felt certain on some days that he was out to get her in trouble.
“You live in Arizona too?”
“Yes. Scottsdale.”
“Wife? Kids? Other pets?”
“God no!” He grinned behind his beer as he brought it to his mouth. “That sounded bad. Let me rephrase: No, I’m not married, no kids, no pets. Did it sound less terrifying that time?”
“Much better.” Parker took a drink of her water. “Are you a dog person?”
Levi twisted his lips to the side and narrowed his eyes. “Not really. I guess it’s hard to say. I’ve never had a dog. Sabrina was the one who always wanted one.”
“So how does this work? Do you fly him home? Drive him there? He can be loud, and he likes his freedom, so I don’t know how well he would do on an airplane.”
“Are you saying I’ve just inherited a loud, hyper dog?”
Parker set the plate of desserts on the ground and dusted the crumbs off her lap. “Truth?”
“Sugarcoat it.” Levi grunted a laugh before taking another pull of his beer.
“In that case, Rags is basically an oversized lap dog. Very low maintenance. Rarely makes a sound. And never gets into trouble.”
Levi nodded slowly, staring at his feet. “That bad, huh?”
“Let’s just say I met him after he got out of their fence and into my cockleburs. He likes to destroy personal clothing items, totally freaks out during storms, and a few weeks back I found myself scraping his shit off my ass. Long story.”
The barn echoed with Levi’s laughter. “I’m screwed.” His gaze met hers and both of their smiles deflated back to reality.
“It’s hard, isn’t it? And if it’s not hard, then it makes you feel guilty.”
Parker cocked her head to the side. “What do you mean?”
“The pain. The grief. For the first few days after someone dies, it feels like you’ll never smile or laugh again. Then something or someone happens, and it brings a smile to your face or a laugh escapes, and it feels so amazing … until you realize you’re doing it, and …”
“And the grief rushes back in to steal it, or the guilt just …”
“Oh the guilt…” Levi pushed a long breath out his nose “…it’s the worst. As if the grief isn’t enough, guilt sits on your conscience asking you, ‘What the hell are you so happy about?’ But I think we should rebel. What do you think?”
“Rebel?”
Levi sat up straight. “Let’s smile. Not the guilty, courteous one that we’ve been sharing with everyone else today. The kind that physically hurts your face after a few seconds. The kind that will leave all the muscles in our faces sore for the next hour. It will be our little secret.”
Levi Paige was crazy. Nothing like Sabrina.
“You in?”
Parker gave him a suspicious look for a few seconds, and then she nodded.
“Okay. On three, smile as big as you can. I want to see your molars and gums. And hold it for ten seconds. Ready? One, two, three, go!”
Levi smiled so big Parker thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head to make room for his smile. She focused on showing him her gums and molars at the same time, which proved to be quite difficult. It felt like the world’s ugliest, most ridiculous smile, but she held it. Levi slowly held up his fingers to count. When all ten fingers were up, they both exhaled, not realizing they’d also been holding their breath.
“Man, you have a shitload of chocolate in your teeth,” he said while massaging the muscles in his cheeks and jaw.
Parker cupped her hand to her mouth. “Oh god!” She grabbed her water and poured some into her mouth, swishing it around.
“Don’t you carry a compact and a few toothpicks with you?”
A bubble of laughter caught in her chest and she spit out the water all over him. “Oh no!” With the water out of its way, her laughter erupted until tears—happy tears—filled her eyes.
“Clearly you were raised in a barn.” He wiped his face. Then he shook his arms and brushed off his legs. “Zero manners.”
“I’m…” she fought to catch her breath “…so sorry.”
“My poor suit.”
Again their gazes locked for a few seconds, and Parker’s laughter fizzled as her smile vanished.
“Don’t.” Levi shook his head. “That’s what I mean. For a few minutes, you forgot about the grief and guilt. I won’t tell anyone. New rule. When we feel like crying, we put on a big-ass smile instead. Or we laugh and spit water and chunks of brownie at people.”
“I think that might be frowned upon.”
“The spitting?”
“All of it.”
Levi shrugged. “Maybe. But I think Sabrina and Gus would want us to smile and laugh.”
Parker didn’t know about Sabrina. Gus painted her to be a much different person than she was years before. Did Levi know the Sabrina that worked all the time and traveled with condoms? But she knew Gus would want her to smile and laugh. In spite of his moments of being crude and inappropriate, Parker knew he wanted the best for her.
“Maybe. Speaking of smiling and laughing, do you need another beer before you can tell me about your fashion inspiration?”
“What do you mean?” Levi shot her a pointed look.
“Your funeral attire is a bit … eccentric. Do you dress this way every day or just for special occasions?”
“Dress what way?”
“Like …”
“Like?” His head jutted forward.
“Um …” Parker fidgeted with the hay, plucking pieces out and tossing them on the ground. When she risked a glance up at him, a shit-eating grin resided on his face. “You’re terrible!” She flicked a piece of hay at him. “Gah, I thought I’d really put my foot in my mouth.”
He chuckled. “I wore this to an ‘Ugly Suit’ party years ago. Sabrina and Gus were there too. I bet her five hundred dollars that I’d win.”
“And you won?”
“No. Believe it or not, there was an uglier suit. Sabrina hated it so much, I threatened to wear it to her wedding just to get a rise out of her. She said, ‘Over my dead body.’ So I responded, ‘Deal. I’ll wear it to your funeral.’”
Parker’s jaw unhinged. “Oh my gosh! And you really did. That’s …” She shook her head.
“Crazy. I know. But it helped me get through the day. I’d rather laugh than cry. And I’m a man of my word, so really I had no other choice.”
She inspected his paisley shirt, purple pants, and white Chuck’s again. “A solid choice. What socks are you wearing?”
Levi pulled up his pant legs, revealing yellow socks with white smiley faces.
“Nailed it.”
He chuckled. Even in the dim barn light, his blue eyes shined with life. Had Sabrina’s once shined like that for Gus? Was that the jovial person he married?
“Well…” she stood and brushed off her backside “ …I should go.”
“Yeah, I need to check on my mom again.” He grabbed the plate of half-eaten desserts. “I’ll come by tomorrow and get Rags. I think we’re going to stay at their house for a few days and go through everything. I don’t think time will make going through their stuff or selling their house any easier. Gerald agreed. He thought we should just get it done. Find closure.”
Every muscle in Parker’s body tensed, desperate to keep her emotions in check. Go through their stuff. Sell the house. Done. Closure. It all cut too deep, especially with the packed suitcase still on her bedroom floor at home.
“Yeah.” She cleared her throat. “That’s uh … probably for the best.” She led the way out of the barn into the suffocating heat, still thick and hot even with the sun setting low in the sky. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” She held up her hand in a friendly gesture and started toward her mom’s car.