by Jewel E. Ann
Somewhere between counting all of the memories of Gus in his Cubs cap and then feathering her fingertips over every part of her body he’d touched, Parker fell asleep. Several hours later she awoke to the crack of lightning and the roar of thunder. The war in the night sky flickered and flashed. Parker watched the shadows dance along the wall. She sat up, listening hard to a faint sound that grew louder and louder.
“Rags,” she whispered, throwing off the covers and slipping on a pair of shorts under her baggy tee. Easing down the stairs, grimacing at each creak, she hurried to the back door, slipped on her black rain boots and a yellow raincoat.
Gusts of wind sprayed her with rain as the endless flickers of lightening lit her way to the fence. “Shhh … quiet, you big goof. You can’t chase it away.” She opened the gate and whistled for him to follow her to the shed. The wind slammed the door shut behind them as she flipped on the light. Rags shook, sending water flying everywhere, not that it mattered. They were already soaked.
Retrieving a couple of old towels from the cabinets, she dried them both off. After sniffing every inch of the shed, Rags dropped to the floor, content with his new surroundings and the company.
“How did you get out? I thought you were on house arrest?”
He blinked at her.
“I can’t take you in the house. You’re too messy, and I have roommates now that might not like a middle of the night visitor.”
Rags cocked his head to the side.
“I know. Who doesn’t love a wet dog?” She crossed her arms over her chest. “If I leave you alone, you’re going to freak out again, aren’t you?”
His head cocked to the other side.
“That’s what I figured.” She opened several more cabinets and found an old plaid blanket that looked like it had been used as a paint drop cloth on more than one occasion. “This will have to work.” She wrapped it around herself and sat down next to Rags. They waited for the storm to quit, but it had more stamina than Parker expected. After an hour or so, her body slumped to the side, head resting on Rags’s belly.
*
“Rags?” Levi called.
“Is he in the basement?” his dad asked, putting on a pot of coffee.
“No. That’s just where I came from.”
“He has to be in the yard,” his mom said. It was the most she’d said in days. Even when Levi had been out all night with Parker, she never said anything.
Joe kissed her on the cheek and pulled her into his arms. Levi loved how his parents cared for each other after so many years. He questioned if that kind of love still existed.
“I’ll check the yard again, but I didn’t see him.” Levi walked the parameter of the fenced-in yard for a second time, checking for holes Rags might have dug and making sure the gates were secure. He did a double take that time around as he tugged on the far gate. Footprints of both human and canine were on the opposite side in the mud, filled partially with water.
He opened the gate and followed them to the shed. Easing open the door, he peeked inside. The vision before him sparked an instant smile—Parker wrapped in a blanket, using Rags for a pillow. The dog glanced up at him, but didn’t move, as if to say, “Shhh, don’t wake the girl.” Levi thought only one thing in that moment: lucky dog.
Inching his way into the shed, like stepping on broken glass, he eased the door shut and sat on the ground opposite of her and Rags. Levi hugged his knees to his chest, resting his chin on one of them. Shifting slightly, she mumbled something that sounded like, “Don’t go.” Her eyes stayed closed, long lashes resting on her cheeks, lips parted, and hands balled together at her chest. Rags made his own noise as he sighed and rested his head against the floor.
Levi thought about their night together that no longer existed. It was just sex. It was stupid. It was all he could think about.
“What are you doing?” Parker opened her eyes in a few slow blinks, grimacing as she brought herself to sitting.
“You find a job yet?”
She yawned, stretching her arms above her head. “No.” Her yawn ended in a chuckle. “We talked about this yesterday. I’m efficient, but not a magician.”
“Then come back to Arizona with me.” At that point, short of his sister resurrecting from the grave, there was nothing he wanted more. No explanation. No reasoning that made sense. It just felt right.
“What?” She narrowed her eyes.
“You don’t have a job. Your sister and your ex-boyfriend slash brother-in-law just moved in with you and kicked you out of your room.” Levi grinned. “Your truck is total shit. My newly adopted dog loves you. And I know I’ll never find the right brand of turkey jerky without you.”
Blink
Blink
Blink
“Uh … I … don’t understand exactly what you’re asking me. And I have …” She frowned as if she had nothing. “You’re crazy. I told you, I don’t have money to travel. And …” She stood and folded the blanket. “I’ve reached my lifetime limit of making stupid decisions.” Her lips pulled into a sad, apologetic smile.
He knew she regretted what happened.
“I refuse to turn thirty and have nothing to show for my twenties other than a string of mistakes and missed opportunities.”
“Don’t think of this as a stupid decision; think of it as a missed opportunity if you don’t go.”
“Really?” She put the blanket in the cabinet and brushed off her clothes. “I think I need a real job.”
“We’ll look for you a real job along the way. If you don’t find one, then you’ll have my offer which is real.”
“Along the way?” Parker perked a brow. “Is this fantasy trip of yours a driving trip or flying? Are we going to look for Now Hiring signs ‘along the way’ and dump me off as soon as someone employs me?”
“If it feels right.”
“To who?” She could barely speak without laughing.
“To you. You’ll know when it’s right. Trust your gut.”
“My gut is not trustworthy.” She combed her fingers through her hair.
“Sure it is.” Levi lumbered to standing and brushed off the back of his jeans.
“And how will I pay for this trip? Are you going to pimp me out? I’m not sure how good I would be at turning tricks.”
“I’ll pay your way.”
“No, thank you.” She reached for the door.
He pressed his hand to it. “I think …” He sighed, eyebrows pinched together. For someone who excelled in the art of honesty, he couldn’t find the words, truth or lie. “I think I need you.”
Parker’s eyes grew. “Excuse me?”
He weighed his words, but they didn’t amount to much.
“Is this about—”
Levi shook his head. “It’s not about anything stupid.” It wasn’t. As much as he craved their physical connection, he needed something more that only she seemed to possess, and he couldn’t explain it because it wasn’t tangible or easily definable.
“I think asking me to take off with you—no money, no direction, no thought—is not exactly smart.”
Still, he didn’t have the words. He thought if he stood there long enough looking at her, she might understand everything without having to say anything. A long shot.
“You need me for what? Rags?”
“Him too, yes.”
“Like a dog sitter?”
“No. Like … just a person in …” His heart had a terrible time keeping up with his nerves. It beat erratically—desperately—in search of reprieve. Why couldn’t her mind submit to his feelings the way her body had submitted to his touch?
Keeping her questioning gaze on him, she turned her head a fraction to the side. “Just a person in what?”
“My life.” He took the leap, free falling with his stomach in his throat.
Parker pursed her lips, returning a very slow nod. “I … see. So, when my family and friends ask where I’m going and what I’m doing, I should say, ‘I’m going to be a per
son in Levi’s life.’ Is this correct?”
He needed a better plan. Hell, he needed more time to sell the deal.
“Yeah.” He puffed out his chest and grinned, hoping confidence was a trait she admired.
Curling her lips between her teeth, she continued to nod. “Mmm-hmm … I see. What’s the contract on this highly unique position? And specifically what would be my duties? And I need more details on the pay and benefits. Is there room for advancement, or is this just an entry-level position with no place to go?”
“I think we can leave the contract open. And your duties are flexible, depending on your skill level and qualifications. You can pretty much set your own pay and benefits are negotiable.” He scratched his chin. “It’s definitely an entry-level position, but I think you could be eligible for promotions.”
“Sounds like a dream job.”
“I’d like to think so.”
Shock and disbelief he expected, but not the pain. Within seconds Parker seemed to fade into some distant place as her whole body deflated along with her smile.
“Can we pretend I never said anything? Blame it on a toxic mix of grief and sleep depravation? What do you say?” A total chicken. He needed to find his dick. It must have fallen off in the back of Old Blue.
Chewing on the inside of her cheek, eyes cast downward, she nodded.
“I’m sorry. Again, just … this never happened. I’m not even here. Rags, let’s go.” He led the dog out of the shed and back to the house. “You’re an idiot,” he mumbled to himself, angry for being so impulsive. “Of course she’s not going to leave town with some guy she’s known for less than a week. God!” Levi face-palmed his forehead as he went into the house. He needed to find a way to deal with his loss that didn’t involve life-altering invitations.
“I need to take your mom home. She can’t be here anymore.”
Levi turned to his dad’s voice at the entrance to the kitchen.
Joe gave him a sad smile. “She’s taken a handful of things, but she doesn’t want anything else. If you want to stay and go through the rest with the Westmans, that’s fine. If not, hire someone to auction it off, sell the house, and …” He sighed, the previous few days hung in dark bags under his bloodshot eyes.
Levi watched Rags sniff around the kitchen. “I’m going to rent a car and drive him home. His meds seem to be working, so there’s no need for me to stay much longer either. I’ll wait a few days, but then I’m out of here too.”
Joe rested his hand on Levi’s shoulder. “I get it. And I know you don’t need me to tell you this, but take your time coming home. You’re still grieving, and I’m not sure where you were last night, but do whatever you need to work that out too.”
“Yeah.” Levi hadn’t taken much time to grieve their deaths. Instead, he found a wonderful distraction. But … he couldn’t take that distraction with him, so the time to face reality had come. He swallowed past the thick emotion, turned his back to his dad, and he smiled. Big. Goofy. And soul-crushingly painful.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
If Parker still had a heartbeat, then it wasn’t broken. That was the good news. Gus tried to break it. And for a few days, it seemed as though he had succeeded. Until … Levi gave her an out. An invitation to live life for a while. She couldn’t accept it for many reasons, or at least one: it was insane. Parker Cruse wasn’t insane.
“Oh, god … Caleb.”
Not yet, anyway. At the top of the stairs, Parker cringed hearing Piper’s moan behind their closed bedroom door.
“So … fucking … beautiful …” Caleb’s labored words twisted Parker’s gut.
She scurried to her room, easing the door shut behind her. Visions of walking in on them years ago came into clear focus. Time hadn’t faded a single part of that memory. With her back to the door, she slid down onto her butt, grimacing from the bruise of the bite mark. A few feet in front of her was the suitcase, still full of clothes, still full of memories waiting to be made.
Gus had shit timing. She chuckled out loud. Maybe she was crazy. Blaming him for dying at the wrong time didn’t feel like the thought of a person with a sound mind. Was there ever a right time to die? Yes. The right time for Gus would have been after their trip.
After his divorce.
After marrying Parker.
After four kids.
After a dozen grandkids.
Maybe even after a few great-grandkids.
Was that too much to ask?
“Despicable to your last breath, Gus.” She continued her one-sided conversation. “You could have at least left me your hat or a good referral for another electrician.” Parker slapped a hand over her mouth to mute her laughter. The door at the opposite end of the hall squeaked as it opened. The lovers had finished their morning sexcapade. When she heard their distant chatter in the kitchen, she changed into her workout clothes and prepared to sweat out the crazy inside of her, like exorcising the demons.
*
Days of Operation Get a Life ended in a string of calls and emails thanking Parker for applying but “the position has already been filled,” or “we’re looking for someone with more experience.”
“You could go back to college, even technical training at a community college.” Janey passed around a plate of pot roast with her family gathered at her dinner table.
Parker couldn’t deny her mother had never looked happier—her whole family together again and on amicable terms. “Medical transcription. Dental Assisting. Massage therapy. Boring, boring, boring. I’d like to break into the media field. There’s simply not a lot of options around here.”
“Maybe you need to move to a bigger city.”
“Bart!” Janey scolded their dad. “I just got my girls back together again. Stop trying to send them away.”
“He’s right.” Parker nodded, taking a bite of the tender, juicy meat. “A bigger city would mean more job opportunities.”
“You went to Chicago after you graduated and didn’t find anything there.” Her mom had to remind Parker of her failed attempts at finding a good job after graduation.
“Maybe I should try again. Or be open to moving anywhere I can get a break. I need experience in this field, and right now I’m not in a position to be choosy.”
“This is too upsetting. You’re all trying to ruin my happiness.” Janey slumped in her chair. “Sometimes I feel like nobody wants to be around me. I hope you girls both have kids someday that don’t want to be around you either, so you can know how I feel.”
Parker and Piper shared knowing smirks. At that moment, they weren’t twins at odds with one another, they were sisters who knew how their mother turned everything into a violin-playing sob story of how nobody loved her. They’d watched her drag her blanket through the dirt many times over the years. Janey wasn’t suicidal, but she craved the attention that came with “sometimes I think you’d be better off if I weren’t around,” or “sorry my opinions don’t matter to you. Clearly I’m nothing more than a burden in your life.”
“So in other news …” Caleb interrupted.
Janey rolled her eyes. In spite of everything, she loved him as much as if he were her own son. And he could get away with far more than Parker or Piper.
“There’s been another delay in starting construction on our house.”
“Oh, god, you’re living with me forever, aren’t you?” Parker mumbled while blotting her mouth with a napkin.
“Sorry to disappoint you, but no.”
“They just put the Westmans’ house on the market.” Piper’s back straightened as she smiled on a deep inhale. “We’re going to look at it tomorrow, and if we like it, we’re going to make an offer.”
“Oh my!” Janey pressed her hand to her chest, alight with excitement. “We’re all going to be neighbors!”
“What?” Parker didn’t recognize her own voice, but it was enough to silence the room, landing all eyes on her.
“Um …” Piper’s eyes flitted between Parker and everyo
ne else at the table. “I thought you’d be happy. If we buy their place, then we won’t be living with you as long.”
“But that’s …” Parker lowered her voice, searching for an explanation that would make sense to them. She had to find one. She had to. “They died. Won’t it feel weird living in their house?”
Caleb shrugged. “It’s not like they died in the house. And we didn’t know them, so I don’t see what would be weird about it.”
“I knew them.” Her heart meant it as a plea, but she couldn’t say it louder than a whisper and still hold it together.
“For a month. That’s not that long.” Her mom leaned over and rested her hand on Parker’s. “I’m not implying that you don’t miss them, but I don’t think it would be weird for very long. I’m sure in ten years when Piper and Caleb fill that house with kids and our family memories, you probably won’t even think of the Westmans.”
Ten years was a long time. A month was not. But it didn’t take Gus long to leave a permanent mark on Parker. Time couldn’t erase that no matter how many kids and memories Piper and Caleb shared in that house.
“We might not even like it.” Piper shrugged with a flash of nerves curling her lips.
They would love it. It was well-built and stunning. Parker knew it wasn’t a matter of if they moved in, but when.
*
Excusing herself, Parker walked home to have some time alone to process another bend in the road of her life. She held her hand up to her forehead, squinting at the Westmans’ house. A white SUV with several boxes, a dog bed, and suitcase behind it occupied the driveway. Levi had to be leaving. It made her happy that he decided to drive Rags instead of putting him on a plane.
She removed her shoes and stood in the suffocating quietude of the farmhouse. Walking across the road wasn’t enough distance between her and a life of lonely agony, joblessness, and ghosts only she could see. With the heel of her hand, she rubbed circles on her breast bone, trying to relieve the pain. The only time she could remember not feeling that crushing pressure was with Levi. His touch took it away. It was sunshine and oxygen. It was everything.