"We can't make love, Allie," he said. "I can't make you forget that...”
At the look on my face, his skin darkened more.
“...I mean it involves too much of our light," he clarified. "I can't erase something that affects your aleimi like that. Even if I could get most of it, it would be far too risky. I have no idea what that would do to you, to have sex with a fully-trained seer. It's not an experiment I'm willing to risk." Shrugging again, he kept his voice polite when he added,
“...Not that I'm against the idea in principle. Sometime in the future, maybe... when you have received some training, and if you're not adverse... I would like that very much."
Folding my arms, I laughed a little.
"Whatever race you are," I said. "You're a bona fide headcase. You know that, right?"
His expression didn't change, but I saw his mouth harden slightly.
"I had hoped we might be friends, Allie," he said. "Later. When you remember who and what you are."
"Friends?" Leaning deeper into the couch, I quirked an eyebrow, grinning faintly.
"Yes, Alyson." He met my gaze. "Friends."
"Do you sleep with all of your friends?"
"Some of them," he said, giving me another irritated look. His eyes shifted away then, his voice turning gruff. “...And you kissed me. I just kissed you back."
I watched him look back at the fire, his face blank once more.
Even so, I couldn't help remembering that kiss in the bar.
I'd been pretty drunk and distracted at the time. Jaden being there and having just seen him kiss that girl confused things for sure, but I'd been more than a little blown away by that kiss, too, even without the rest. It affected me more than I'd really admitted to myself at the time.
The somewhat disturbing truth was, by the end of that kiss, I'd barely remembered Jaden at all. Hell, I'd wanted to keep kissing him, even with Jaden standing right there. Remembering what Jon said, and what Simon just told me about who he was, the feeling of unreality worsened.
I felt my cheeks warm when he glanced over.
It occurred to me that whatever else he'd said that night, I believed him that he was a seer. And if he really was a seer, that probably meant he could read my mind. Which meant he'd probably heard all or part of what had just gone through my head.
When I looked up that time, I saw him staring at my mouth again.
"That erasing, mind-meld thing," I said, clearing my throat. "Didn't you say you wanted to start?"
"Yes," he said, nodding. "We should start."
He hesitated again, looking at me.
"What?" I said. I hated that I could feel my cheeks warming more.
He seemed about to speak. Then I saw his eyes change abruptly, as if he'd made up his mind about whatever he'd been thinking. Before I could ask, he got up, moving over to my end of the couch. He sat right next to me. He did it silently, quickly enough that all I could do was stiffen, receding into the couch a little. Then he leaned into the cushions, looking at my mouth again. He slung an arm onto the back of the couch next to my shoulder.
"You've got to be kidding," I said again, but nerves reached my voice.
"Just a kiss," he said. His eyes met mine. "Then I'll erase all if it."
"Why?" I said.
He gave me a puzzled look.
"Because I want to kiss you again," he said. "Don't you?"
I felt my cheeks warm as I gazed up at him.
"I know you want to," he said, looking at my mouth again. His voice grew cajoling. "One kiss, Allie. I'm asking this time."
"I thought you said it wasn't a good idea?" I said.
He shook his head, shifting his body closer to me still. "Making love isn't a good idea. A kiss is fine. I can erase a kiss...” When I frowned, folding my arms to put them between us, he added, "I'm not trying to take advantage. I'm also not doing it just because I felt it on you. I was thinking about it, too, Allie. I have been since the first time."
"You're serious," I said. "You're really serious about this?"
He nodded, touching my face. His fingers made me flinch, then shiver when he turned it into a caress. Sliding his hand over my cheek, then into my hair, he nodded again.
"Yes. I'm really asking," he said.
I hesitated another handful of seconds, but it was harder to pretend it wasn't affecting me, having him touching me, sitting so close. I thought of Jaden briefly, and frowned. I'd never cheated on him before. The closest I'd ever come was that revenge kiss earlier, and I knew that hadn't been cool, either. But if this guy was telling the truth, I wouldn't remember this anyway. I also wouldn't remember seeing Jaden kiss that girl, but Jaden would remember having done it. So how could it hurt for me to kiss this guy again? It was cheating, yeah, but Jaden was already getting a free pass... unless he decided to tell me what he'd done.
When I glanced up, the guy who called himself Simon was frowning slightly. Seeing his expression, I made up my mind.
"All right," I nodded. "You saved my life. One kiss."
"Are you going to be thinking about him?" he said, blunt.
I flushed a little. "He's my boyfriend. I shouldn't even be doing this."
"That's not what I asked." His fingers tugged gently on my hair. "Are you going to be thinking about him while you're kissing me, Allie? Tell me the truth."
I pressed my lips together. Then I shrugged.
"I don't know. Probably not," I admitted. "I wasn't last time."
He looked like he was about to say something else, then changed his mind about that, too. Lowering his mouth, he brought it to mine before I could second-guess any of it. It hadn't yet occurred to me how weird the whole night was anyway, or why I would let him do something like this, considering everything that had already happened.
Maybe it never would, I thought a second later. Not if he was telling the truth.
But then his mouth was on mine, and I forgot all of that, too.
He kissed me cautiously that time.
In fact, after he'd kissed my mouth softly a few times, I wondered if he even intended to use his tongue. Whatever he'd said before about us being short on time, he didn't seem to be in any particular hurry. He lowered his head after he'd kissed my throat, kissing the base of my neck before I could get that thought through my mind entirely. Then he was kissing my jaw and face, moving closer to me on the couch when I unfolded my arms. Everything about it was deliberate, slow, more sensual than I'd really been prepared for. I found myself kissing him back the same way, caressing his face with mine, my fingers in his hair. He stroked my arm while I kissed his neck, pausing to kiss my fingers, then my palm. When I opened my mouth against his throat, running my tongue in a light circle over his skin, he let out a low groan.
The sound made me jump.
When I pulled away though, he leaned into me, bringing his face back down to mine. His fingers clutched my back, pulling me against him even as he caressed my face, kissing my mouth. I heard him gasping lightly when he paused that time, and when I looked up, his hand caught in my hair. He kissed my mouth harder that time, and more like he had in the bar, using his tongue. He leaned his weight harder when I kissed him back. After a few seconds I felt that pain thing in my chest, like I had before.
When it worsened, he let out another groan, startling me.
I was going back into that mindless space, like I had before. I forgot Jaden, where we were, what I was even doing with this guy, the crazy story he'd told me about who he was... his fake name. I found myself trying to slide my hands under his shirt, but he caught hold of my wrists, pinning me to the armrest and the back of the couch.
He kissed me again, harder, pressing his weight into me deliberately.
I could feel it then. I have no idea how, I didn't hear him speak... whatever he'd conveyed, he'd done it some other way. It wasn't just a desire for sex, although that was there, too. He wanted to have sex with me, specifically... he'd wanted it for awhile. He wanted it badly enough that when I felt i
t on him again, his hands tightened until they nearly hurt... right before he pressed his weight into mine again, gasping. He brought my hand down to his belt. He didn't let me touch him, but I realized he was hard, that he wanted me to touch him there, too, badly enough that his hand tightened painfully around mine, holding me off him.
After a few more seconds of that, I found myself gasping with him, trying to get free of his hold. He groaned louder when I pressed up against him. We were lying prone on the couch then, and he kissed me again, arching his body into mine, and it crossed my mind that he'd been lying before, that we were really going to have sex...
At the thought, he raised his head.
His face tightened as he looked at me. I watched his eyes close, longer than a blink. When he opened them again, his expression looked pained. I felt it in my chest somehow, deepening into that nausea as he continued to stare down at me.
"No." He met my gaze, shaking his head. "No, Allie," he said, adamant.
"Okay," I said.
"We can't," he said.
"You said that."
"I meant it. I wasn't lying...”
"Okay."
"I want to," he said. That pain briefly worsened. "Gods... I really want to, Allie...”
"I know," I told him. "I do, too." Biting my lip, I met his gaze. Quieter, I added, “...But we can't. Not only for your reasons. I can't. I get how stupid this probably sounds right now, but I have a boyfriend. We've already done a lot more than I should have...”
"It doesn't sound stupid," he said.
He was staring at my mouth again, conflict in his eyes.
My fingers were wrapped around his wrist, my other hand clutching the front of his shirt. He still held me down, his hand caught in my hair as he looked at me. His eyes were almost glassed. I found myself caressing his chest through his shirt, and he seemed to notice that, too. His eyes fell to my hands on him and he closed them again. He opened them a few beats later, and I saw that pain on his face once more.
His jaw hardened... right before he started pulling himself off me.
I watched him go, biting my lip to keep from protesting. I couldn't help looking down at him. He saw me staring at his erection and gasped, his voice turning almost harsh.
"Don't," he said. "Jesus, Allie... don't look at me like that."
I felt my own jaw harden.
"This was your idea," I reminded him.
"I know."
"You wanted to do this. You asked me."
"I know."
He retracted his body and hands from around me, moving fluidly to the opposite end of the couch. He dropped his weight back into the cushions pretty much as far away from me as he could get without changing furniture. I watched him wince as he sat, running his fingers through his hair. He faced his body towards the fire, then just sat there for a moment, looking into the flames, his hands clutched between his knees.
"I know," he repeated a moment later. His voice sounded more normal again. Taking a breath, he exhaled. "I know... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I don't normally...” He hesitated, looking at me. “...I'm sorry, Allie. About Jaden."
"It's not your fault," I said. "Are you all right?"
He gave me a wan smile.
I smiled back, then hesitated, noticing my own chest still hurt.
"What is that pain?" I said, rubbing it a little. "Do you do that?"
His gaze sharpened on mine. "You can feel that?"
"Well, yeah."
"A lot?"
"Enough," I said. "It hurts."
Seeing the tautness rise back to his expression, I flushed, feeling the pain in my chest worsen, shifting into that deeper nausea as he looked at me.
"I felt it before, too," I added. “...in the bar."
"Have you felt it before today?" He swallowed a little, looking at my mouth. “...With Jaden? Anyone else you've...” He hesitated, his gaze flickering up. “...Liked?"
"No." I gave him a puzzled look. "Why?"
He frowned, but didn't answer. I watched his face as he looked back at the fire, wondering if I should ask him again. I was still trying to decide when he turned in my direction once more. That time, his face and voice were carefully businesslike.
"Okay," he said. "I guess we'd better start."
Looking at him, I realized suddenly that I believed him.
I don't know that I thought consciously that I believed all of it, but I believed him that he could do something to me that would make me forget. I thought about losing every memory I'd had of the past twenty-four hours, and a low-level panic hit me, sliding over my body in a rising wave. I thought about not knowing Jaden had cheated on me, or that I'd nearly died, or that this guy seemed to think his job was keeping me alive using his seer psychic powers.
I really might not remember this... or him.
"Hey, Simon, wait–" I began.
"Sleep, Allie," he said. His voice sounded almost tired. "Sleep. Now."
The room, that piercing light gaze, the fire and everything around me disappeared.
I couldn't even remember closing my eyes.
TEN
I HEARD THE voice before I could force open my eyes. It must have woken me up, but I felt no transition... instead it was like I was lost in a kind of inbetween, my mind wrapped in warm, wet towels. They kept out everything but that voice.
“...Allie," it said again, softer. “...Come on, baby. We have to get up...”
Someone touched my face.
The touch was light, almost gentle, but I still couldn't seem to pull myself out of wherever my mind wanted to remain.
"Hey," he said, his mouth closer to my ear. I felt his lips on my cheek, then my forehead. "Come on, Allie-angel," he coaxed. "You're far too pretty to stay asleep all morning...”
I managed to get my eyes open. Immediately I winced, but not because the light hurt really. It was brighter than I expected, but it more felt like my eyes were greeted by too much, by more information and color than I could wrap my brain around right then. It was so much easier in that other place, where everything was still, and so quiet.
Like floating. Swimming through a golden ocean of light...
"Allie, come on," the voice coaxed. "I'm getting really hungry, baby... I want you to come downstairs with me."
I opened my eyes for longer that time.
A familiar face hung over mine. His blue eyes softened when I looked up at him. Smiling back, I rubbed my face, stretching a little. My arms hurt, like someone had been playing tug a war, using my body as the rope. It was hard not to want to go back to that other place. It felt so familiar, wherever it was, but it was slipping away from me already.
"What time is it?" I managed, stretching again.
"Ten," he said, glancing at the night table by the bed. He pulled the covers up, wrapping his arms around me. When I let my body go soft, he pulled me tighter against him. “...Aren't you hungry, baby?"
"A little."
"Want some coffee?"
I smiled. "Do you even need to ask?"
He caressed my hair out of my face, and I blinked up at him again, smiling more.
"Is it a problem that I don't remember coming back here last night?" I said.
He grinned a little. "I'm not surprised... you were pretty tanked, Allie-girl."
"Really?" I frowned, trying to remember. I remembered the shots with Cass, then not a lot after. "I didn't do anything too embarrassing, did I?"
"You mean other than leaving the club before my band started? Disappearing for like ten hours then being brought back here by that cop? Making us all go through interrogation because he was half-convinced you were on some kind of illegal drug?"
"What?" I opened my eyes, suddenly wide, wide awake. "What did I do?"
Jaden chuckled, kissing my face. "It's okay, baby. You needed to blow off some steam. You'll probably need to patch things up with Jon, though... he was pretty pissed."
I was still fighting to remember though, unable to believe I'd literal
ly lost hours of my life, without so much as a flickering of helpful, if embarrassing, snippets.
I stared at my wrists, seeing the red marks around them, which were rapidly turning into bruises.
"A cop?" I said. "Was I in handcuffs?"
"Yeah," Jaden said, brushing my hair back again. "I don't think he roughed you up, though. He said you fought him, resisted arrest...” He smiled a little, shrugging. "He seemed all right. A little uptight, but it could have been a lot worse. He'd found you by the park. Thank goodness you at least remembered the name of our hotel, or we'd probably have gotten stuck picking you up at the drunk tank... assuming we even found you...”
I groaned, flopping back on the bed.
"Seriously?" I said, putting a hand over my eyes. "How could you let me get that drunk?"
"Me?" Jaden laughed. "I had nothing to do with it, baby... I was getting ready for the show. Anyway, you already had a good head start on me by the time I got back from that photo shoot, if you recall...”
I clutched his hand, feeling a surge of guilt. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry?" he said. "Why? Just because you scared me half to death, making me think you'd been raped or murdered and dumped in a park somewhere?"
"Not just that," I said. "For missing your show. For being such a pain in the ass...”
He shook his head. "Don't worry about the show. You didn't miss anything. You've heard all those songs about a million times by now, anyway...”
"Still... it was a big show. I can't believe I missed it. It's also why I came...”
"Don't worry about it," he insisted. "If you want to be sorry, be sorry for scaring me out of my mind... not for the show. At this point, I'm just glad you're all right." Glancing down at my expression, he smiled again. "Once I knew you were okay, I kind of chilled out. That cop had a good long talk with all of us, and made us realize that we really should have been keeping an eye on one another better, too." He gave me a rueful look. "Jon didn't, though. Chill out, I mean. Cass seemed to be a pretty good sport about it, but Jon, well. He was a little–"
"Yeah," I sighed. "I get it. Damage control." Blowing up my bangs, I closed my eyes. "Jeez. I can't believe I just wandered off... in New York, of all places. What a complete fucking idiot." I looked up at him, touching his face. "Why are you dating such a idiot?"
Allie's War Early Years Page 11