He walked with the rest of them through the trees after that, silent.
By then, the others were talking to one another, although in low voices. Most of that talking had to do with Vikram, Yumi, Dalai, Mara and Balidor telling the others what had taken place while Revik had been “negotiating” with Terian.
Revik heard flickers of his own name in that, but he ignored that, too.
Dalejem also remained notably silent, Revik couldn’t help noticing.
He also was one of the few who didn’t try to get anywhere near Revik or his light.
Neither thing particularly surprised Revik himself.
He just wanted to get the fuck out of here now. He wanted to go back to the Pamir, back into those caves, and not talk to anyone else for another five or so years... if not longer.
Hell, maybe he’d take a vow of silence and celibacy himself.
Maybe he’d end up a fucking monk, yet.
HIS ANGER DIDN’T really crash until about two hours later.
By then, he sat in front of a real fire, by himself, of course.
He’d had one of the medical techs stitch up his neck, which she informed him wasn’t bad, in terms of the cut itself. She’d been more worried about the possibility of infection, and chewed him out for wrapping the shirt around it without putting on any kind of disinfectant first, given they were out in the middle of the damned jungle. She’d washed it, put alcohol on it then a salve before stitching it up and covering it with an organic bandage, which should have its own antibiotics in the gel that surrounded the cut, too.
Revik found himself touching the bandage periodically, anyway.
Tents were still being put up, but he probably could have found one by then.
Truthfully, he was considering sleeping out here, even with the bugs and whatever else, if only because he didn’t want to be that close to the light of any of them, and he knew he would have to share a tent with at least two other seers.
The groups had remained more or less in their previous units, which didn’t help.
It meant that this fire provided the focal point for the same seers Revik had been traveling with for days now, along with a few others who came over to visit with friends. Dalai had a boyfriend, he found out, a muscular, Chinese-looking seer by the name of Nurek. Revik recognized a few other faces from before they’d split into separate units, but he didn’t have names to go with at least two of them.
In any case, they gave him a wide berth, too.
He hadn’t seen Dalejem since they’d gotten back to camp.
So he just sat there by the flames, trying to pull his shit together before he tried to figure out where and when he could handle sleeping... assuming he could at all.
Truthfully, he wished he could just get drunk. He considered asking someone if that were possible, but didn’t... pretty much for the same reasons he didn’t ask anyone if they’d give him his own, private tent for the night.
He could still feel flickers of light from the others, darting around him in bare waves. He felt concern in some of those touches, even worry, but he didn’t want to deal with that, either.
He could feel them talking about him, too, although he didn’t hear any of the specifics.
In any case, no one tried to sit by him. They sat around the opposite ring of the fire from him instead, leaving a space of something like fifteen feet on either side of where he sat.
As per usual with the Adhipan leader, Revik didn’t even see him until it was too late to avoid him. He didn’t see his body, much less feel his light, until the older seer was sitting right beside him, on the same log.
Revik started to stand up, moving without thought.
But that time, Balidor didn’t let him leave.
His hand clamped down on Revik’s arm, hard, holding him in place.
“You need to listen to me, brother,” he said.
His voice was low, almost a murmur, but it held an open warning.
More than that, he put light in his words, compelling Revik to obey them.
Reluctantly, Revik let his weight rest back on the log.
He didn’t look over at the other male, though. He kept his gaze trained on the fire, even as he fought not to react to the hand on his arm. He knew the other seer was speaking aloud so they wouldn’t be overheard, but he found it difficult to muster much gratitude for that, either.
Why the hell wouldn’t they leave him alone?
“Revik,” Balidor said. His voice grew denser, still carrying that thread of aleimi and command. “You are losing control over your light.”
Revik shook his head, feeling his mouth harden. “I’ll be fine.”
“You will not be fine,” Balidor cut in. “You are not fine now.”
Revik fought with words, then ended up biting his tongue, saying nothing.
Balidor wouldn’t let it go, however.
“You must do something about it,” he said, his voice matter-of fact. “Tonight.” It wasn’t a question, or even a request. “...I cannot have a trained infiltrator out here in this state, brother. I cannot. You must understand my position in this.”
Revik let out a humorless laugh, but Balidor cut him off.
“I mean it, Dehgoies!” he said, his words still quiet, but sharper. “Why have you not asked anyone to help you with this? I expected you to. On the first day we left those caves, I expected this. Why have you not done it?”
Revik fought not to turn his head. He could feel the other seer pulling on him for that, trying to force him to make eye-contact, but he wouldn’t do it.
“What would be the fucking point?” he said finally.
There was a silence.
Then Balidor let out a clicking sigh, without loosening his hold on Revik’s arm. “Brother, are you wondering why none of them has asked you?”
Revik shook his head. “No.”
“Of course you are. Why would you not wonder?” Balidor said, his voice exasperated that time. “You must have felt their interest.”
“What?” Revik couldn’t help it. Letting out another short laugh, he turned his head. “Are you trying to screw with my head, brother Balidor? Or do you simply think me an idiot?”
Staring back at him, Balidor exuded disbelief.
Then he frowned, clicking at him in open irritation, even as he shook his head. The irritation didn’t seem aimed at Revik that time, though. Not precisely anyway.
“Brother, you are not thinking clearly right now,” Balidor said then. “You are not. In fact, you are far deeper in this than I realized. Honestly, I would never have let you go near that Org bastard, had I known the state you were in...”
Revik flinched at the mention of Terian, but Balidor only hardened his voice.
“I ordered them to leave you alone. I ordered them, Dehgoies. You must understand this! I could not have them taking advantage of you in this state... so I told them not to approach you unless you asked one of them for it directly. But you never asked. Not once. Not even when it was practically offered to you...”
Revik felt his jaw harden more.
He found himself remembering his interaction with Dalejem that first day, out in the field with the guns, and the pain in his chest worsened.
“Why?” Balidor said, exasperated. “Why did you not ask, brother?”
Revik looked back at the fire.
For a moment he actually tried to think about the seer’s question.
But he couldn’t clear his mind enough to be able to do that for long, either, certainly not long enough to come up with any kind of real answer. Anger coursed through his light again, but it was more than that. Or maybe it wasn’t anger at all. He felt his aleimi sparking around him in waves, and realized they were being overheard. It felt like every fucking seer in this part of the construct was listening to them now, and the scrutiny sent Revik’s light into another sparking flare, causing Balidor’s hand to tighten on his arm.
“Revik. Do you need help to deal with this?” he said, lower.
/>
“Are you offering, brother?” Revik asked humorlessly.
Balidor flinched. “That is not the kind of help that I––”
“Then no,” Revik said, giving him a harder stare.
Returning that look, Balidor frowned.
“You know I cannot...” he began.
When Revik let out another harsh laugh, clicking as he shook his head, the seer sent out a wave of denser light, gripped his arm harder.
“Dehgoies, you are not thinking clearly... or you would not question this!”
Revik only shook his head again.
His vision blurred and he realized tears had come to his eyes.
Embarrassment touched him again, but he was almost beyond the point of caring about that, either. What the fuck did it matter out here? He didn’t know these seers. He never would know them. Even so, he didn’t reach up to wipe the tears away. Pride, maybe. Or maybe he just couldn’t make himself move enough to do it. Maybe he didn’t trust himself not to punch the Adhipan seer in the face once he’d moved even that much.
Even so, he knew the other seer was right. He couldn’t control his light at all, couldn’t even force himself to try... maybe not even to want to by then. But he couldn’t bring himself to act either, at least not in any kind of way that made sense.
Next to him, Balidor clicked softly, although if it was in regret, sympathy, disbelief or irritation, Revik didn’t let himself think about for very long, either.
“You know I cannot,” Balidor said again, his voice more gentle that time. “Even if that was a serious question... and I strongly suspect it was not... we do not permit sex between subordinates and their commanding officers in the Adhipan. Which is what I am to you right now, brother, whether you want to acknowledge that fact or not.”
Revik nodded, wiping his face in spite of himself.
When he didn’t speak, Balidor shook his arm slightly.
“Is there no one you would ask?” he said, his voice frustrated. “I am serious, Dehgoies. You have to deal with this. Tonight.”
“Is that an order?” Revik asked, not hiding the bitterness in his words.
“Yes,” Balidor said, his voice holding a thread of his own anger. “It is an order, by the gods. And if you won’t adhere to it, then I’ll have some of my people take you twenty miles down the mountains to a human brothel. You can deal with it there, if you’re too much of a coward to ask anyone here... but you will deal with it, Dehgoies.”
Revik felt his jaw harden more, but Balidor wasn’t finished.
“I am perfectly serious about the threat,” he added, sharper. “You know the stakes out here. I cannot have you losing control... not with Kali less than a mile away, and her husband with her. You are on the verge of losing control now, and I don’t think any amount of masturbation is going to fix it at this point, either, brother...” he added, his words brutally precise. “You need another’s light. I would prefer if you asked a seer for that reason, versus the human brothel option... and not only for the logistical nightmare of losing three of my best assets for two days while they risk their lives, interacting with human locals simply to get one of their brothers laid.”
Revik felt those words hit at him, too, but didn’t answer.
As if feeling some flicker of his thoughts, Balidor gripped him again, harder.
“They won’t ask you, brother,” he said, his voice still hard. “You need to hear me on this. I won’t let them ask you... not when you are in this state. You need to ask one of them yourself. I will not rescind that order, so don’t even bother hoping for that occurrence.”
There was a silence.
Then Revik nodded again.
When he still didn’t speak, Balidor let out an irritated-sounding sigh.
Releasing Revik’s arm abruptly, he rose to his feet.
Revik felt the pulse of defeat in the other’s removal of himself. He expected him to leave right away, but he didn’t; Balidor only stood there instead, looking down at him. When Revik finally realized that the Adhipan leader would wait there, perhaps indefinitely, until Revik acknowledged him in some way, he found himself looking up.
Balidor locked gazes with him once he had.
“I mean it,” he said. His words bordered on cold, sounding like a command again. The fire reflected in those gray eyes, turning them orange, even as a faint frown touched the seer’s mouth. “I will give you an hour to ask someone, Dehgoies. If you have not by then, you might as well gear up. I will have Gar and Vikram take you to the nearest human city this very night... with enough local currency to handle the problem. So if you are thinking that threat was just me being theatrical, brother, you would be wrong.”
Before Revik could think of an answer to that, Balidor finally walked away.
REVIK KNEW FROM the silence that their audience had heard every word.
He felt flickers of curiosity again, as the seers sitting on the far side of the fire watched him. He could feel them wondering, almost on the surface of their lights and minds, what he would do. He even felt some wondering specifically if he would really walk twenty miles down a hill just to avoid humiliating himself in front of them again.
Feeling those pulses and flickers, Revik felt his jaw harden.
Before he knew he meant to, he spoke aloud, not even bothering with the Barrier.
“You heard him,” he said. “You know what I am asking of you.”
The silence deepened.
When Revik continued to turn over words, Ontari smiled, blowing warmth through the Barrier space.
Was there a question in that, brother? he sent softly.
Revik heard the teasing there, and felt the pain in his chest worsen. He stared at the fire, knowing tears likely ran down his face again from the way the flickering flames blurred and clicked back into focus. He didn’t care any more.
He couldn’t think well enough to care.
“Do you need a formal question?” he said finally.
He could feel all of their attention on him now. He waited for the answer anyway. Clearing his throat, he wiped his face with the heel of his hand.
“I don’t know how to do this,” he said, clicking softly as he shook his head.
He said it quietly, but he could feel that most of them heard him.
“We need a question, brother,” Poresh said carefully. His voice was less flippant than Ontari’s had been, his eyes more serious. “It doesn’t have to be formal. But Adhipan Balidor was pretty specific with us... very specific, I would say.”
Others murmured agreement as Revik watched.
He thought about that, too.
After another moment, he shoved it from his mind, clicking to himself again, sharper that time. He combed his fingers through his hair, giving up in the same set of seconds. He wouldn’t handle this gracefully. He never had.
Usually he was drunk when he approached strangers.
When he looked up next, he sighed openly, letting them feel his frustration.
“How about an offer, instead of a question?” he said, meeting Poresh’s gaze.
He glanced around at other faces, hearing the silence deepen once more, past the crackling of the fire, which overpowered the sounds of the jungle. He didn’t know how to read that silence. He couldn’t read any of them, really, although they could clearly read him.
“You know I need...” He hesitated on the word, then walked past it with his mind. “...I don’t have anything to offer in return,” he continued. “It would be a favor. I am asking for a favor, from one of you. I would accept that favor from any of you. With gratitude.”
The silence continued.
Revik cleared his throat, gesturing vaguely with one hand.
“I have no money,” he added, still staring into the fire. He knew he was repeating himself, but couldn’t seem to shut up, maybe so he wouldn’t have to listen to their collective non-answer. “...I have nothing to trade. I am asking... offering. To whoever is willing.”
He fought with what
else he could say, then fell silent, shaking his head.
He’d asked the question.
He’d done it, more or less coherently.
What the hell else did they want from him?
Wasn’t that what Balidor wanted of him? To offer himself? Or would the Adhipan leader still make him walk twenty miles through the jungle in the middle of the night, looking for some mountain shithole where he could buy sex from an impoverished human? Would he force Revik to do it even after he’d asked, simply for getting a resounding silence in response?
Revik honestly didn’t know.
For all he knew, Balidor would order one of his people to take him up on it. Treat it as hardship duty, offer them some kind of perk for jerking off the ex-Rook for a few hours.
Revik wasn’t even sure which thing he would prefer at that point.
Or which thing he wanted less.
He clicked again, softly, but didn’t look up at any of them.
He considered leaving. He considered walking out, fuck what Balidor said, but Vikram spoke up before Revik could put that thought into action, either.
“Male?” Vikram said cautiously. “Female?”
Revik shook his head, once. “I do not care.”
“What about one of each?” Dalai said, her voice teasing.
Revik met her gaze. “I do not care about that, either, sister.”
The silence deepened again.
“You do realize what you just did?” Ontari said, breaking the silence with a near-laugh. “You just offered yourself to the entire camp, brother... all of us in hearing, anyway. What will you do if we all take you up on it?”
A few of the other seers sitting around him smiled.
Then someone stood up from a log on the other end of the fire.
Revik glanced over in time to see Dalejem’s back as he left. He hadn’t known he was there, hadn’t seen him sitting there in the dark, behind Poresh and Garensche and a few others, still wearing the armored vest from the walk through the jungle. Revik hadn’t felt his light, either, presumably because Dalejem hadn’t wanted him to feel it. Now that he saw him, Revik felt his face flush, realizing all that he’d heard... but he knew he needn’t have bothered with that, either. The seer walked away from the fire pit with measured steps, without so much as a backwards glance. They might have been talking about the weather and he’d simply gotten bored... or decided it was time for him to go to bed.
Allie's War Early Years Page 61