by Risqué
“Whew-whew,” Nae-Nae snapped sarcastically. “Ring the alarm.”
“Oh, you are such a hater.”
“I don’t hate, I state. Thank you. I’m tellin’ you ya’ll got this homo thug fucked up.”
“I ain’t never seen a homo thug rock a patent-leather catsuit.” Drae laughed.
“I ain’t never seen pussies in my motherfuckin’ business much as you. Back the fuck off me now. Been done stabbed you.”
“Ill.” Drae frowned as the waiter handed them their menus. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Girl”—Nae-Nae wiped invisible sweat off his brow—“a bitch’s ass is sore.”
“’Scuse me,” the waiter said, but no one seemed to be paying him any attention.
“Shut up, Nae-Nae.” Yuri shook her head in disgust. “Please, I do not wanna hear about your ass.”
“’Scuse me.” The waiter tapped on the table, but still no response.
“Girl, I know what I meant to tell you,” Drae said, excited.
“What?”
“Guess who’s back in New York? Troi,” she said answering her own question.
Without warning Yuri’s heart dropped to the bottom of her feet and her mouth fell open.
The waiter cleared his throat.
“Britt’s ex-fiancée?” Nae-Nae said as he lifted Yuri’s bottom lip. “When that bitch come back around?”
“’Scuse me?” The waiter pounded on the table, rattling the silverwear. “A ma’fuckin’ ’scuse me!”
Immediately their conversation came to a halt and they all turned around.
“You know how long I been standin’ here?!” the waiter yelled.
They each blinked their eyes at least a million times, especially since they just realized their waiter stood no more than three-and-a-half feet tall. His chest was puffed out and he was tapping his feet. He wore a white apron and underneath was a black ninja suit with a million zippers all over it, and instead of a hairnet he had a red tam cocked to the side.
“Shit! Can y’all shut the fuck up for a minute?” the waiter went on. “Yap-yap”—he clucked his arms like a chicken—“yap-yap-fuckin’ yap. Big-ass mouths, that’s what’s wrong wit’ niggahs now. They talk too much. Shut the fuck up sometime. What, y’all ain’t never been to a restaurant befo’? Er’body know when I hand you the menu I’m ’spose to find out if you want somethin’ to drink. Now, what the fuck is you drinkin’? Let’s start with yo’ big ass.” He pointed to Yuri. “You look like you stay thirsty.”
“What kinda shit?” Yuri said in disbelief. “Is this niggah a mad-ass guardian angel?”
“’Scuse you ’scuse you…ah’scuse you. But you got somethin’ to say to Squeak?” The waiter sucked his teeth and tapped his pen on his order pad.
“Who the fuck is Squeak?” Nae-Nae said, doing his best not to laugh. “You tryna flex on us, Squeak?”
“I don’t go that way pot’nah and I’m tired of motherfuckers thinkin’ I do.”
“What?” Nae-Nae said in disbelief. “Squeak, wouldn’t no fag want you. What they gon’ do wit’ yo’ lil’ ass!”
“You know I been in jail before.”
“Whew,” Yuri said. “I’m scared.”
“And?” Nae-Nae spat. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“You asked me what a fag can do with my ass.”
“Stop the visual please,” Drae said, “and call the manager.”
“Snitches get stitches.” Squeak pounded his fist.
“You threatenin’ me?” Drae asked in disbelief.
“Not unless you tryna do somethin’.”
“Just call the manager,” Yuri said.
“Fuck the manager,” Nae-Nae spat. “I will beat the breaks off that—”
“Off what?” Squeak said. “In all that hot-ass patent leather what you gon’ do but slide yo’ slippery ass all across this floor. Lookin’ like a big-ass ball of grease. Man, please, don’t fuck with me. My woman left me, my dog done run away, child support lookin’ for me and shit. For real, dawg, you want it wit’ me, I will kick yo’ fuckin’ ass up in this here piece. Why you think they call this IHOP? ’Cause I will hop all over you.” He placed his order pad on the table. “Now say I won’t. Please, say it.” He started skipping in place like a boxer. “I’ll turn this motherfucker out.”
Yuri, Drae and Nae-Nae sat there amazed. They couldn’t figure out what was going on. Before they could call the manager to their table, she was already there. “Sorry y’all. I’m the manager, Freeda…. Whoool.” She looked at Nae-Nae. “You is so sharp.”
“Thank you,” Nae-Nae said, caught off guard, as he realized the manager was puckering her lips and making kisses at him.
“Is you tryna flirt, Freeda?” Squeak asked.
She winked her eye. “It’s…all…good.”
“Freeda,” Squeak said, “stop being a dumb dumb! Stevie Wonder can see that Super Freak ain’t interested in nothing but dick and ass.”
“Super Freak?!” Nae-Nae mumbled in disbelief.
“Y’all got to excuse him,” Freeda said. “He on work release.” She turned to Squeak. “Keep it up and you gon’ be right back on the sidewalk sweepin’ up shit.”
“But they fuckin’ wit’ me, Freeda.”
She looked at Yuri, Nae-Nae and Drae. “Sorry again, y’all, but I’ma talk to him. Here, I’m gon’ call our best waitress over here…. Rafiquana!” she yelled. “Tamika-Shontell over here, and she gon’ take your order.”
“I’m tired of taking his customers, Freeda. He need to learn how to act.” The new waitress walked over to their table. “Hur’ up, what y’all want.”
“Well, damn, should we eat here?” Drae asked.
The waitress sucked her teeth. “My bad. Y’all know what y’all wanna eat?” The new waitress wasn’t the best, but she would do; besides, they were hungry. They each ordered a smorgasbord of meals so they could share their plates. Thankfully, the food arrived right away.
“So what?” Yuri asked nonchalantly, stuffing a piece of Drae’s bacon into her mouth. “Did Troi call you?”
“No. I saw her at Negril, when Hassan and I went out the other night.”
“She was by herself?”
“No. She was there with Britt.”
“What?” Yuri did her best to control her attitude, but she felt like screaming.
“They were having dinner and I don’t really know, but they seemed kinda cool. Don’t you still talk to Britt? Didn’t he tell you?”
“No,” Yuri said, doing her all to look indifferent. “He didn’t tell me anything.”
“Well, why you look like that? And why you sound like that?” Drae looked at Nae-Nae; she knew if anybody knew, he did. “Yuri, you not feelin’ some kinda way, are you? You not still feelin’ this niggah, after all these years?”
“Girl, please.” Yuri swallowed deeply and did her best to play off her feelings of being betrayed—and fuck all that she was married and knew what she was getting into—she’d loved Britt too many years to be going through this. And his being with Troi was worse than anything she’d ever felt, especially since there was nothing, at this moment, she could do about it but smile.
“For real, though,” Britt had said to Yuri almost fifteen years ago. “She straight played me.” He sniffed, doing his best to control his emotions, “Yo, am I stupid, or what? I had this ring and shit!” He threw it across her bedroom. “She was ’spose to marry me, and what did she tell me? She told me this niggah had a better job, that I was hung up on too many goddamn dreams!” Tears streamed from his eyes.
“Don’t cry, Britt.” Yuri said, unsure of what else to say. “There’s nothing wrong with dreaming….” She stood, nervously twisting the doorknob. Her short, peach cotton nightgown came midway down her thighs and the four buttons running down her cleavage were open.
“Yo.” He tried to laugh, wiping his face. “I’m buggin’, right?” He looked Yuri up and down, noticing her hard nipples.
“No, you
’re hurt.”
“Fuck her ass. Sorry to bother you, I see you about to go to bed, let me roll.”
“You can chill here…for a little while…if you want.” She took her hand off the knob.
Hours later, Yuri awoke with the early-morning sun slipping into her room and Britt lying next to her in bed; his face resting in the crook of her arm, his mouth face-to-face with her nipple, and her right thigh thrown over his waist. She couldn’t believe that fate had given her the opportunity to be this close to the man she’d loved all this time. For once she didn’t have to pretend she was Troi. She didn’t have to shut her eyes and have her pussy ache while she slid her fingers in and pretended that her tips were his dick.
“Britt…” She stroked his dreads and in between her words kissed his forehead. “Maybe…you should…wake up.”
Britt could feel Yuri’s soft lips and wet kisses. He didn’t want them to stop; his heart needed soothing and being that he knew she was always open for him, he figured this was something they could do for each other. So instead of backing away he moved in closer and slipped his tongue into her mouth.
“What are we doing?” Yuri asked.
“You tell me,” he said, running his tongue over her cleavage and kissing her breast through her gown. “You want me to stop?” he asked while kissing her stomach and working his way between her thighs.
“No, as long as you don’t pretend I’m Troi.”
“Yuri”—he looked up into her face—“I know exactly who you are.” Britt pulled her panties off, causing Yuri to bite hard on her inner cheek. She couldn’t think of how to respond fast enough, especially when he placed his tongue on her clit. This was ecstasy like she never imagined. Now she knew for sure Troi had gone mad. Slowly Britt sucked Yuri’s pussy, her creamy jewel rising and falling in his mouth. After Britt was sure he’d pleased her more than twice, he started to work his dick in.
Yuri imagined her first time would be magical and she would hear the birds sing and see sparks fly through the air. Yet all she saw were silver stars as she squinted her eyes tight and winced from the pain shooting through her vagina.
“Whool,” Britt said, feeling her pussy’s extreme tightness. “Yo, this ya first time?”
“No.” She opened her legs wider.
Slowly Britt pushed in deeper, but Yuri’s tight inner walls clamped around his dick and shot pain through the tip, causing him to stop again. “Why you lyin’? You ain’t never had no dick.” He slid his dick out. “I’m not gon’ play you like this.”
“I don’t want you to stop.” She started kissing him, holding him and whispering in his ear. “Put your dick back in.”
“Goddamn, Yuri.” He looked at her. “For real.” His dick felt so good and so warm sitting at the base of her cherry. “I wanna pop this shit so bad, but I don’t want you to hate me.”
“I’m not gon’ hate you.”
He took one of her legs, threw it over his shoulder and let the other rest on the bed. “Tell me if it hurts and I’ll stop.”
Yuri breathed deeply and as he slowly inched his dick in, she looked into his face. Thinking this would be their first and only time, she decided to keep the fact that she was in a lot of pain to herself. As she felt him push his dick in all the way, she winced again. “You want me to stop?” he asked.
“No.”
“But I don’t want you in pain. I want you to feel what I feel.” He slipped his dick out and commenced sucking her creamy jewel. And just when she started pushing his head in and calling his name, he pulled his tongue out and slipped his dick completely into her pussy.
“Don’t fall in love with me,” he said, finding ecstasy in her virgin middle.
“I won’t,” she lied, knowing she already had. “I won’t.”
“Drae, please,” Yuri said stuffing a bite of waffle into her mouth. “I don’t give a damn what Britt does.”
“Uhmm hmm.” Drae twisted her lips and took a sip of her juice. “You know I don’t believe that, right?”
“I don’t know why not.”
“Because I know you and right now it’s obvious that you’re lying to me. You cheating on Jeff?” Drae asked her.
“Why are you jumping to conclusions?!”
“Because I know you and I been there through all of the shit. And you know Britt ain’t nothin’ but a fuckin’ player, and he always has been.”
“You just don’t like him.”
“No, I see right through him, and I don’t want you gettin’ caught up in no shit. Jeff is all you need.”
“Jeff is not perfect.”
“Hell, I can’t tell!”
“Let me inform you Jeff has cheated and had a baby on me! Now how’s that for Mr. Wonderful?”
“What?” Drae looked at Nae-Nae, and she could tell by the look on his face that he already knew. “I know yo’ ass fuckin’ knew and nobody told me?! So what the hell am I, nothing? Does your mother know this? I can’t believe nobody told me! Are you serious, Yuri? A baby?”
“Yes, I’m serious. Why would I lie?”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because your life always seemed so perfect.”
“What does that have to do with you?”
“Well, everybody can’t marry Mr. Wonderful, Drae.”
“You don’t know what or who the fuck I married, so don’t even go there. Are you serious Jeff had a baby on you?”
“For the last time, he has a son.”
Drae felt like crying for her cousin. “How old is this child?”
“He’s five, and I’ve known since the day the child support papers came to the house.”
“I can’t understand why you didn’t tell me?”
“Why would I do that and make myself look like a fool? Here I loved the man who’s been with me since I was two-hundred-and-sixty pounds and he was out loving somebody else. Not to mention she’s white—”
“He cheated on you with a white bitch? Oh, hell no.”
“And you have a problem,” Nae-Nae interrupted, “with her being white because…?”
“Because,” Drae snapped, “don’t no black woman want to be cheated on with no white girl.”
“What’s the difference? Her pussy is pink. Please, how about he shouldn’t have done the shit period.”
“Whatever,” Yuri said. “Her being white just makes the shit worse. And she was eighteen.”
“What?!” Drae screeched. “So what you gon’ do now? I know you ain’t leaving him, so that bitch can try and step in. Fuck that.”
“I may leave.”
“Why?” Drae paused. “Women get cheated on every day; I wouldn’t give my damn man away.”
“She can have him.”
“Why, because you back to fuckin’ with Britt?”
“Why are you on Britt?”
“Because somethin’ funny seems like it’s going on—Nae-Nae?”
“Why you calling my name?” Nae-Nae asked.
“All I’m saying,” Drae carried on, “is that if you even think about fucking Britt, you better remember that this is the same niggah who wouldn’t even look at you twice when you wore more sizes than the average plus. And now that you’re workin’ the hell outta a fierce sixteen…all of a sudden this niggah can hollah and wanna spend some time? Spare me.”
Yuri felt like she’d been gut-punched. “Well, don’t you worry about Britt. You need to be worried about Hassan and his down-low ass!”
“Excuse you?!”
“Whoool, you way out there, Yuri,” Nae-Nae said. “Bring it back.”
“You the one said ‘ring the alarm’ that your gay-dar goes off when he’s around.”
Nae-Nae gave a fake smile. “I was hatin’.” He looked at Drae. “I was. You know me, I wanted to fuck him. I’m sorry. I am.” He looked at Yuri. “I’ma see you, bitch.”
“Whatever.”
Drae sat quiet for a moment. “Usually, I’da checked yo’ fuckin’ chin, but now that I see you goin’ through some s
hit, I’ma let that slide. But if you ever come out your face like that at me again, I’ma see you myself!” Drae spat.
Yuri felt bad about what she’d just said. “I’m sorry Drae. I was out of line.”
“Whatever.” Drae resumed eating her food. “Whatever.”
Yuri
Anthony Hamilton’s “Where Did It Go Wrong?” made love to the deafening silence that danced through Yuri and Jeff’s Central Park West apartment. Clouds of thick smoke from Jeff’s Cuban cigar hustled their way through the air and floated to the ceiling, while streams of light, smuggled in between the eyes of the mini blinds, left their reflection on the bamboo floor.
While reminiscing and listening to music, it had crossed Jeff’s mind to buy some weed and get high, but then he thought being high would defeat the purpose of reflecting on the months’ worth of bullshit he’d been dealing with. He knew Yuri was lying about leaving at five o’clock in the morning to go to work. He just didn’t know why, which made their whole situation seem even more fucked up, especially when he was giving his all to be a good husband. And he knew he messed up when he cheated and his mistress had his child, but that was five years ago, and this time he was trying desperately to get it right. But Yuri wasn’t cooperating, and in a minute she was gon’ push him to cheat again. Especially since she didn’t seem to appreciate the wonderful husband he’d become.
Now he sat at home alone, entertaining every thought that popped in his head as being the truth. He couldn’t stop the visions of Yuri freely giving pussy away: riding, spooning, letting some niggah—any niggah—hit it from the back.
He absolutely hated that he tolerated her losing weight. He had a good mind to kick Whoopi Goldberg’s ass for acting like L. A. Weight Loss was the key to success. He was happier with his size-twenty-four wife, who looked in the mirror and complained every day about being fat. That he could deal with. But all this flying to Trinidad, shaking her ass and showing off cleavage he never knew she had, irked him. He was used to being king and now he’d been dethroned by a tight waist and a new shape.
All of which led him to think of standing tall on his five-eleven athletically built, masculine frame, rearing his shoulders back and kicking Yuri’s natural ass when she walked in the door. But then again, he didn’t want to bring himself to the point of no return. He knew if he hit her, he would kill her. And there was no way he wanted her dead without answers to the questions running around in his head like What the fuck is yo’ problem? And where the fuck you been all day? You lost yo’ fuckin’ mind walking into this motherfuckin’ co-op I pay the mortgage for, with a scent that I swear is another niggah’s dick! Have you gone stupid leaving me here all alone with nobody, when I’m the only man that loved you when yo’ fat ass could catch nothing but a fuckin’ fish to eat, and now you don’t wanna give me no pussy? Ain’t this some shit…