When illusions come to life, how do you tell what’s real?
My life ended when I came back from vacation. Death was at my doorstep. Everything ceased to exist. To protect myself, I pushed the memories away.
All I remember is him; Sebastian Brand, my savior.
I trust only him.
I am obsessed with him.
But all I know about him is his name.
Stuck in this mental institution, I try not to think about the terrible memories that lurk deep inside me. Sebastian is the only one who can help me forget. I don’t care that they say he doesn't exist, I need Sebastian, and I will find him, no matter the cost.
© 2014 Clarissa Wild
Cover art by Clarissa Wild’s Booming Covers
Copy Editing by: Editing4Indies
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, places, organizations, or person, whether living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to the retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
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First of all, I want to thank my two number one fans, who’ve been with me from the start. Isa and Becca, I love you two to death. I can’t do without your constant cheering and support.
Thank you to all my beta readers who helped make this book shine, Lucii, Jennifer, Isa, Becca, Anna, Atalia, and Gracie.
Thanks to Michelle, my personal assistant, for putting up with my late-night pm’s, constant arguing, and endless rambling. I would not be able to make sense of my own thoughts without you. I’d be a mess without you. And I love your emails.
Jenny, thank you for your awesome edits! You are super to work with, so easygoing and your edits make my book shine.
A massive thank you to my lover, my partner in crime, my man, and my best friend in life, for always being supportive, even when I’m being a bitch. I love you more than anything.
And last, but not least, thank you. Thank you for reading my book. Thank you for being so awesome.
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Accompanying song: “Secret Garden” by Snow Ghosts (Richard Skelton Remix)
Summermount – April 20th, 2013
In between the darkness and the light, there is nothingness; there is me.
I’m alive, and yet, I can’t feel anything. A brick wall encapsulates the heart that was shattered, twisted, and corrupted. It bleeds, and yet, I don’t know why.
I don’t know anything.
But it doesn’t matter. None of it matters. Whether this is a dream or reality, I feel awake, and all that matters is that I’m free.
Leaves rustle across the path I walk. I lift my hand and touch the branches of the trees along the way, swaying them back and forth as I saunter past them. The scent of blooming flowers fills my nose, so good. In the garden next to me, there are a couple of kids kicking a ball. I smile when I see them. My cheeks feel strange when I do.
It feels odd to be among ‘normal’ people again. Where I come from, there is no normal, only chaos. Nothing comes close to the serenity I feel when I’m outside like this. There are people on a bench up ahead, having lunch, and one of them flicks away a wasp that flies too close. I laugh, and it almost makes me cry. It’s the first time since forever that a tear manages to trickle down my cheek.
Being here almost makes me feel like I’m just like them. That I could be like them again, one day—normal, without a horrible past.
Birds chirp as they fly above my head, rushing toward their next destination. Just like me. Freedom feels good. It’s the first time in months I’ve felt this elated about something so simple. And even though it’s not entirely without regrets, I’m happy I chose to leave that wretched place I call hell; the institution that kept me as a prisoner against my will.
Being in there was for my own good.
Escaping was not for my own good.
I knew when I left that I could never return there without being shackled to a bed. I knew that it was either going to be the last time I saw that building, my room, my friends … or that I was never getting out of there again.
The choice was simple. However, the consequence is not.
I’m running away from help, from the only people who can make me better. But I don’t want to be better anymore. All I want is to be with him.
And now that I’m out, I hope he’ll accept me.
I need to see him. I need to speak with him. I need to feel him, body against body. I want his hands on my hips, and his mouth on my neck. I want him to whisper sweet words into my ear as he takes me into his world. I want to drift away with him. I want him to take me away and never return.
I am obsessed with him. Crazy about him. Madly in love with him.
And yet, I don’t even know who he really is. What he does for a living. What his house looks like. If he has a dog. Kids. A wife. If he’s single or not.
If he wants me.
No, I know he wants me. I felt his touch, his lips, his magnetizing eyes that bore into me as he made love to me. Nobody can tell me this love isn’t real. I am not a liar. He needs me, and I need him.
A stinging feeling nags at me, but I ignore it. I don’t want to think about the fact that all I know about him is his name and address. I’m not sure of anything, but I’ll take this chance. I will see him soon, and when I do, our love will burn brighter than the thousands of stars I looked at every night when I was still in the institution.
I don’t know a lot, but I do know this: I won’t give up looking for him until I’m in his arms again.
If he really exists, that is.
Summermount Psychiatric Hospital – April 19th, 2013
In a frenzy, my hands clench the cold, metal bed, but it instantly feels warm under my touch. A fire courses through my body as Sebastian kisses my hipbone. My pussy is dripping again, and I struggle to hide the urge to moan in pleasure. I want his love. I want his touch. I want to feel. Everything.
Only he can give it to me.
His fingers crawl up my belly, slipping under my bra. My breath catches in my throat as he cups my breast in his hand.
“Fuck, those are some nice tits. More than a handful, Lillith.” He squeezes them softly, his eyes darting up to meet mine. “Let me kiss you. Everywhere. I want to give you everything I have.” He plants a kiss right above my clit, making me squirm. “But you have to keep quiet.”
“I want you, Mister Brand,” I whisper. “Please, I need this.”
“I know. Shh … let me make you feel good … let me make you come again.”
In a moment of bliss and hushed moans, I let myself go. I need this, I tell myself. To feel.
And so I let him take control of my body, inch by i
nch.
Accompanying song: “Once Upon a Dream” by Lana Del Rey
Summermount Psychiatric Hospital – April 6th, 2013
My room is full of color. This shouldn’t be odd, except it is, since normally this place is as white as bones. Tonight, however, all the colors of the spectrum surround me. A lamp in the corner of the room is on. The air is thick, and my heart beats in my throat. The door handle shakes, and the door creaks open. One look at his face is all I need to forget what I’ve been told, and I invite him into my room.
He’s not supposed to be here, but I want nothing more.
His eyes land on my face as he places one foot inside the room. They enthrall me to a point of being unable to move from the bed I am sitting on. A small smile curves the ends of his lips, a wickedness emanating from him which creates goosebumps all over my body. With his shoulder-length, blond hair loosely falling over his face, he looks like an angel. My angel.
He steps further inside and closes the door behind him. His finger moves to his lips as he purses them. I’m suddenly achingly aware of how much I wish for those lips to be on me. Anywhere. I don’t know why I want it so much, but I do.
“Shh … don’t want to wake her.”
His eyes glance sideways to my roommate, who’s snoring loudly. Sighing, I close my eyes and listen. The noise disappears. When I open my eyes again, she’s gone. Vanished.
It doesn’t faze me.
With a grin on his face, he walks toward my bed and sits down at the edge, tentatively scooting closer. “I’ve been wanting to see how you’re doing.”
“And you couldn’t come during the day?”
“No, you know that’s not allowed.”
“But I’ve waited for you in the visitation room. You never came.”
He grabs my hand. “I’m sorry. I wanted to, but it’s not allowed. Not when you’re not …”
“Family.” I swallow away the lump that suddenly appeared in my throat.
“Regardless, I’m here. Now, how are you feeling?”
“Better now that you’re here.” I send him a smile, and he smiles back, setting my heart on fire. Having him here is wrong. So wrong, but I like it.
“Why are you here, actually?”
“I heard you’ve been asking about me. The staff told me you had difficulties coping with your new environment.”
“Yeah …” I lower my head and look away at the bed my roommate was supposed to be sleeping in. I still don’t understand how she’s gone now.
I don’t understand a lot of things, but at the same time, I’d rather not know, either. Not knowing means I don’t have to think about it. That it won’t hurt me.
I’m safe here. Sebastian is near me. He’ll keep me safe.
I lick my lips at the sight of his. His sly smile beckons me to come closer, but I dare not cross that boundary. I worry that the consequences might push me over the brink. That if the doctors find out I have the man who saved me, the man I barely know, here with me in my room, they’d lock me away forever. This is dangerous.
And, yet, it’s so exciting, I can’t get enough. I long for a man’s touch—his. He is the only man I trust, the only man who could rip away these briars that have grown around my heart. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way. It’s been a while since I’ve felt anything at all. I’ve been numb ever since …
I swallow, closing my eyes to push it all away. Feeling nothing is better than feeling it all. The only thing I want to feel is his love. I want him to make me feel, so that I can be alive, at least for tonight.
A hint of aftershave tickles my nose, and when I open my eyes, he’s right in front of me, his lips hovering dangerously close to mine. I breathe in his air, my lips shuddering from the warmth. He smells so good. It vaporizes the doubt in my mind.
“Do you want me so badly, Lillith? Is it true, what the doctors say, that you’ve been dreaming about me? That you’ve been aching with wantonness for my touch?”
“Yes …”
He squeezes my arm, making me aware of my throbbing clit.
“How much?”
“I want you to take me …”
“Why, Lillith? Why?”
“I need it … I need you to take the pain away.”
He sighs so softly, I can barely hear it, but I do. “I don’t understand you.”
I smile. “Neither do I. All I know is that I need this. I want to feel again. You make me feel.”
His fingers slide down my arm, sending shocks through my body. “Do you feel this?”
“Hmmm …” I moan. “More.”
“Beg me.”
“Now it’s my turn to ask…why?”
“Because if you want me to do this for you, you’ll have to do something for me in return.”
“Which is?”
“I like it when girls beg.”
I suppress a giggle. “All right. Please, Mister Brand … kiss me,” I whisper.
“Good,” he hums.
He tilts his head, his eyes peeking up at mine. Then he moves to my neck. My breathing picks up as his fingers touch my upper arm, stroking me gently. When his lips press down upon my skin, I melt into a puddle.
And then the door opens, and the light turns on. Startled, I scream.
My eyes open wide but then narrow straight away. A bright light from the hallway outside blinds me, so I hold my hand against my forehead and look ahead. My roommate just came in. She rubs her face as she steadies herself. As she looks my way, she cocks her head and raises an eyebrow.
“What?” I say.
She nods, shakes her head, and shrugs. Just like always, she doesn’t speak. Nobody knows why, not even the doctors. But she refuses to use her vocal cords, even though she does have them, and they work perfectly fine, according to the doctor. I don’t mind, I can communicate with her just fine with body language alone. Like now, she basically said ‘what the hell are you doing’ and ‘whatever, you’re nuts’.
As my eyes drift away from her, I notice my bed is empty. The blanket is scrunched up between my fingers. I’m sitting straight up in bed, and my muscles are all tense, like some idiot having a spasm attack.
And Sebastian is nowhere to be seen.
Relaxing my muscles, I sigh, and watch my roommate walk back into bed.
She must think I’m a lunatic.
Even I am starting to think I am.
Sebastian came to visit me, that I’m sure of, but how did they both vanish? I know he was here. But how is it possible? Visitors aren’t allowed, and I have no idea how he came in. Or how he left.
The doctors are right. I am truly losing my mind.
The bed next to me creaks. It makes me aware of the fact that I’m sitting here, thinking to myself in the middle of the night, wondering whether what I’m seeing is real or not. It freaks me out, and at the same time, it doesn’t. My blood should be pumping through my heart like mad, the hairs on my body should be standing up, and my eyes should be wide, but they’re not. I’m calm and numb.
Always numb.
Numb is the only thing I’ve felt for months. Except when Sebastian is around me.
I sigh again and rub my forehead. “Goodnight,” I tell my roommate.
She waves her hand and turns off the light on her bed stand, since it had apparently been on. I didn’t notice. What I do notice, is that the colors on the walls are gone. The white, unpainted canvas is as dull as ever. I wish we were allowed to hang something on the wall, but the doctors fear we might try to do something with it. I have no clue what, though. As if I could magically strangle myself with a piece of paper.
Well, at least I can do what I want in my mind. This room looks a lot better when I close my eyes. It has Sebastian in it.
I smirk to myself as I reach between the mattress and the box spring. I pull out a dreamcatcher I made with a bunch of plastic straws, shoelaces, and feathers I found outside. I hid it so nobody would find out, and I could keep it as a way to encourage the good dreams and banish the nightm
ares.
Yes, I believe in that sort of stuff. Don’t judge me.
I hope it works, though. I want more of Sebastian and less of the horrible memories that lurk deep inside me.
Accompanying song: “Secret Garden” by Snow Ghosts (Richard Skelton Remix)
Summermount Psychiatric Hospital – April 7th, 2013
When morning comes, I look around, hoping to find Sebastian by my side. Of course, it was only a fleeting thought. Everything is. If Sebastian was really here last night, then why didn’t my roommate notice? And why did she disappear? It doesn’t make sense. I’m losing all sense of reality.
Throwing the blanket off me, I stand up and stretch. It is then that I notice a note drifting through the air. It lands on the floor, and I immediately go to my knees to lean down and pick it up.
I can’t wait to see you again.
My heart skips a beat, a big smile forming on my lips. I rummage between my mattress and the box spring again and take out a tiny box. As my roommate awakens, I open it, put the note in, and quickly hide the box under my bed again. I don’t want anyone to see…not her, not the doctors, nobody. This is mine and mine alone. My little secret.
Someone bangs on the door. “Breakfast. Be there in ten,” one of the ladies who manage this place calls out.
Nodding, I walk to the mirror and look at myself. I’ve looked better, but it’s not as bad as a few nights ago, when Sebastian didn’t come to visit, and I stayed awake all night. My hair looks like I had a fight with a cat. The thin, red strands are tangled, and it hurts to brush them out. I pull on a sweater and jeans with a pair of sneakers before heading out the door. My roommate takes a much longer time, and stumbles behind me like a drunk. She hates getting up early. Too bad for her we don’t decide when we get up; they do. We don’t get to decide anything around here. We’re fragile minds, or so they say. People who need protection and help. Well, I don’t need anyone but Sebastian.
Seek (Prequel Delirious) Page 1