This was something she recognized.
Ava had done the exact same thing the first two weeks after Aurora had been born. The overwhelming depression and inability to comprehend that time heals everything. She’d refused to get dressed, staying in her nightgown, and crying repeatedly. It had been so hard to realize that things would get better – and they had in very tiny increments.
“What is wrong with you?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing doesn’t smell terrible and look utterly the same,” Ava chastised, holding the baby carrier in her free hand. Releasing the dog’s collar, she stood tall over Daisy sitting in her wheelchair. “I don’t know what’s wrong but one of the first things you told me in group was to clean and dress myself daily to make me feel like a person.”
“I’m fine.”
“No, you aren’t. Look at you! I don’t have to be a doctor or a counselor to recognize depression – and I am not leaving here until you are cleaned up. Now, go get a shower and I will check on the rest of the animals.” Just then, Aurora let out a cry of distress causing Ava to frown. She winced slightly as she realized that she sounded exactly like her mother had two months ago. “You’ve got a microwave, right?”
“In the kitchen.”
“Good. I’ll check on the dogs and feed Aurora her bottle until you are finished.”
“You don’t have to stay.”
“I don’t have anywhere to go,” Ava retorted. She wasn’t going to let Daisy get away with wallowing in self-pity because she remembered how horrible it was. She wished someone would have been firm enough to push her into moving forward then instead of giving in out of love. Her mother had always been gentle, loving, and helpful – but sometimes help came in the form of tough-love… a very hard thing to enforce.
“You were headed somewhere when you nearly hit Ozzy,” Daisy argued, pointing at the Golden Retriever who was sitting nearby, wagging his tail, with his tongue lolling happily.
“I was going to go sit in the park just so I wasn’t staring at four walls and waiting for the next diaper full of poop or the next bottle. Both are just reminders of what happened and how hard being a mother is. Now, go get your shower because Aurora is about ready to start shrieking relentlessly and I can’t handle that.”
Sure enough, the baby was getting more and more irate, her cries gaining in intensity the longer Daisy sat there. They stared at each other for several minutes silently, tempers clashing. She wasn’t leaving Daisy like this. Ava put down the carrier on the couch, picking up the baby. Digging in her diaper bag, she pulled out a bottle and frowned at Daisy who was still there, staring at her.
“Are you going?” Ava asked point blank, one questioning eyebrow upraised.
“Yes.”
Daisy muttered angrily and dutifully rolled away heading to the back bedroom, shutting the door behind her. Ava quickly warmed up the bottle and flinched as the ear-piercing shrieking began in her arms. It wasn’t just a little yell- the infant had lungs like an opera star. As soon as the microwave beeped, she gave it several hearty shakes and then immediately plugged the siren.
Aurora chomped down on it like a starving vampire, causing Ava to wince as she could only imagine what breastfeeding her daughter could have been like. Every time she saw those sweet lips attack a bottle, the guilt she felt was washed away. She saw other women bottle feeding their own children and they didn’t seem to have the same guilty conscious Ava had. She felt intensely guilty as if she’d caused the breech between her and her daughter at first. Even the nurses at the hospital had prompted her several times to ‘try it before your milk dries up’. When her breasts had finally shrunk and the milk faded away, it brought on another wave of guilt and depression. Massive hearty gulps in the stillness of the house soothed Ava’s wrecked nerves. Was it wrong to do what was best for both of them?
She hadn’t given herself a moment to actually put the thoughts together but now that she saw Daisy was all right, she breathed a sigh of relief. She’d been terrified of finding Daisy collapsed on the floor, injured or worse. A knock at the door startled Aurora, causing her to jerk her arms upwards in reaction.
“Shhh sweetie,” Ava crooned hopefully. She’d say almost anything to prevent another round of shrill yelling “I’ve got you. Everything is okay.”
She walked over to the front door, swinging the baby softly back and forth, from side to side. She felt odd opening the front door of someone else’s house, but she didn’t want whoever it was knocking or ringing the doorbell. Aurora was getting the lazy, half-lidded look to her eyes indicating that she would be asleep soon – giving Ava a breather.
Opening the door, she was surprised to see Ethan Minter standing there. Hadn’t he gotten the notification that group was cancelled? At that very moment it clicked in her mind that he was here to see Daisy – away from group! Ava’s mouth dropped open as she realized that was not what the man had arrived for. Snapping her jaw shut quickly, she put on a false smile.
“I bet you are here to see Daisy?”
“Yeah, group is tonight, right?” he said innocently and Ava almost laughed. She would have too if it wouldn’t startle the baby in her arms.
“C’mon in. I think we both know group was cancelled tonight. My daughter is almost asleep and I was just getting ready to make some tea. It’s no harder to make three cups, than it is two – unless only two is preferred?” she said pointedly, and saw the man’s face flush with embarrassment.
“So what are you really up to?”
“I wanted to speak with Daisy. I found out today that my best friend never got my letter and I have a way to reach out to him now.”
“Oh? Is it traumatizing or are you glad to be able to contact him? It’s none of my business, I’m just really nosy and have nothing going on right now in my own life to talk about or discuss,” Ava admitted, smiling ruefully.
“Wilkes was the best person to have in your life. Funny, intelligent, a real nitwit but in a loveable way. I really miss the man and the last time I saw him was a bad moment for both of us. He held my hand when my brothers in the field were trying to save my life. I want to tell him that everything’s all right, you know?”
Ava was surprised by his words and description. She’d never had anyone in her life that had been there for her during her worst times. She’d always had to draw upon herself for aid and it was exhausting. She could use a friend like that, she thought sadly, wondering if people like that grew on trees.
Putting the kettle on the stove, she helped herself to a few mugs that were hung on a rack with pegs. Walking over, she put Aurora down in the carrier and buckled it gently. The tiny baby was half-asleep and it wouldn’t take much to finish the job. Ava cooed at her daughter as she gently rocked the carrier before nodding to Ethan, indicating that he should keep rocking it softly. Once he had the hang of it, she got up to turn off the kettle before it started whistling.
“Do you want sugar in your tea?”
“No, thank you – Daisy and I both drink hot tea without it.”
“Yikes,” Ava muttered, shaking her head at the thought. “I like a bit of sugar and just a dab of heavy cream in mine. It makes me feel all cozy and reminds me of my mother. She would make it like that when I was a little girl.”
“Isn’t it funny how it’s the little things you think about?” Ethan commented quietly. Ava glanced up and met Daisy’s eyes as the young woman stepped into the room with them. Ava took a seat nearby as Ethan continued rocking the carrier gently. Three cups were sitting on the table between them. Ethan looked up at Daisy and Ava could see that he seemed to be concerned that Daisy wouldn’t welcome him in her home.
“I’m glad you came,” Daisy admitted, sitting down. Ethan immediately grabbed one of the cups and handed it to her. “Thank you.”
Ava took a seat and picked up one of the cups. She felt like a third wheel right now but this was too good to pass up! It was like watching The Bachelor on television. Would Daisy get a rose tonight?
she thought sarcastically. Taking a noisy sip of the scalding hot tea, she glanced between the two of them before glancing over at the baby in the carrier.
“She’s finally asleep,” Ava whispered, nodding. “Thank you, Ethan.”
“Sure thing.”
“I didn’t mean to interrupt if you two were talking,” Daisy said suddenly.
“I was just telling her about Wilkes,” Ethan said quickly. He looked like he was trying to make sure Daisy understood that she was welcomed into the room and that nothing was going on between he and Ava. This made Ava smile at his discomfort and the sweetness of it all. This man utterly adored Daisy and it was incredibly obvious.
“I met with John today and Wilkes has an email in Afghanistan. I sent him an email and I hope I hear back from him soon.”
“Can I have your friends’ email?” Ava interrupted, surprising Daisy, Ethan, and herself! What was she doing? Ava thought in shock, seeing the expression on Ethan’s face.
“I don’t see why not,” Ethan replied easily, shrugging his shoulders.
“Thank you. I thought maybe it might be good for me to talk to someone who can’t judge me or lash out verbally, you know?” Ava admitted truthfully. “It would be like keeping a diary that could talk back to you or interact. Sometimes I can’t say things because people freak out or think badly of me. Being a mother is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and I could use a low-maintenance friend that isn’t demanding of my time.”
“Wilkes is a jokester. He liked to play a lot of pranks overseas,” Ethan warned as he scribbled down the email address onto a nearby pad of sticky notes on the table.
“Maybe he can tell me a few jokes then?”
“I think a pen-pal would be a good idea,” Daisy admitted, looking at Ethan questioningly. “Just remember, you never know who you are writing to and I wouldn’t expect too much other than a simple correspondence. If you need to talk, we can do it here.”
“No, I know,” Ava dismissed, waving them off. “People can be nice to each other or simply chat without it getting weird or strange. I mean, it’s only an email- right?” Ethan looked at Daisy and suddenly they were both smiling at each other tenderly. Ava could see the affection and love in their eyes. She felt a sudden overwhelming loneliness hit her, knowing that special kind of companionship wasn’t in the cards for her. Men didn’t want ready-made families, much less one made during a traumatic event. It just gave everyone issues that didn’t bode well for any of them.
“Annnnd… on that note?” Ava uttered, getting to her feet quickly. “I think I will go ahead and leave while Aurora is sleeping. You two look like you could use some time together.”
“What do you mean?” Daisy asked innocently.
“Come on… everyone knows that he’s sweet on you. If you didn’t realize it, then well – the cat is out of the bag now. Good luck, Ethan and thank you for the email. I’ll explain that you gave it out under coercion,” Ava quipped with a smile.
Ava gathered up the infant carrier and diaper bag, heading to the front door. She shut it leaving the couple alone inside. Standing there alone, she moved slowly to her car and thought about the piece of paper in her pocket. She had nothing to look forward to other than work (when her maternity leave was finally over!), diapers, and feeding Aurora. This would give her something to do, something to look forward to.
What would be the harm in saying hello, she thought idly.
Chapter 3
May 2016
Ghazi, Afghanistan
“Wilkes are you skipping your turn online again this week?” Cooper asked as Colin Wilkes lay there on his bunk in the stifling heat. He hated this place. It was a constant reminder of what he’d done and all the overwhelming guilt that came with it. He’d caused his best friend to be injured after being instructed to stop fooling around when they were sweeping for bombs. Minter went home an amputee and he was being tried for dereliction of duty. If found guilty, he would be discharged and possibly serve time in jail. He wasn’t going to lie to himself – he was scared.
A month ago, Colin had googled the term to see what the penalty was since he wasn’t quite sure what was going to occur next. It had all happened so fast! One minute they were goofing around and the next he was confined to the base until things were settled.
He’d mailed letters to Ethan apologizing repeatedly for what had happened. Colin guessed that his best friend had refused the apology because he never heard back. He got letters from some of the other guys, but never from Ethan Minter. He wasn’t sure if they were waiting to get a hold of Ethan to see if he was pressing charges or what was going on. In his last email from his former CPO, Griffin had said that he’d written a letter of recommendation for him for his file – describing his character and how it was a simple accident. He was so thankful for that letter because that might be the only thing that saved him from serving time. John Griffin had been well respected here in Ghazi on the base.
“Yooo-hoo!” Cooper yodeled, waving his hands directly in Colin’s face as he stared at the bunk above him. “Seriously dude. I could use your internet time. I am killin’ it in Candy Crush right now and that thing is super-addictive.”
“No. I need to email my parents,” Colin admitted. He needed to explain what was going on and what was going to happen next. He’d been putting off the email for weeks now and couldn’t delay it any further.
“Post! Post, hey man – you gotta let me use your minutes,” Cooper whined doggedly. Jamie Post grinned at the younger guy’s animated expression when he didn’t get a rise out of Wilkes.
“Cooper, I’m supposed to email Annabelle. She’s picking out the stuff for our wedding next year and I gotta keep my girl happy, you know?”
“Man, you are a stick in the mud – if she wants to be happy, she’d be dating someone else with a vibrant personality… like moi.”
“Some women like a strong, patient, quiet man.”
“Stick…in…the…mud…” Cooper repeated, sticking out his tongue at the older man. Post immediately put Cooper in a headlock and rubbed his knuckles against the man’s dark buzzcut on his head. Colin sat up, causing the two men to stop roughhousing around.
“You okay man?” Post asked quietly.
Colin had confided in him the other day that he was terrified of being discharged or kicked out. Both he and Ethan had gone to high school together, both had joined the military the moment they turned eighteen, and both had ended up here in Afghanistan. He didn’t know what he would do with his life if things suddenly changed. He’d been in the military for almost ten years now – most of it here, among his brothers.
“Yep. I’ll be back shortly.”
Colin walked through camp quickly to the small building. A lone computer sat on the table near a row of chairs. Several men sat on the chair awaiting their turn online. They were each assigned a time slot in order to be able to play around online or check email. If the computer was ever empty, it was free for anyone to use – so far that hadn’t happened since it had been set up. Taking a seat, he waited patiently for his turn.
Eventually, he moved to the table and logged out the previous guy, shaking his head. Most of the time, they remembered but it did happen occasionally where someone simply forgot to do so. Logging in, he opened his email and saw there was two hundred and thirty-five emails – mostly spam or ads. Briefly, he scanned through and deleted them before hesitating.
There were two email addresses he didn’t recognize – one of them belonging to EMinter… Ethan? Clicking on it, Colin felt his hands tremble and shake as he read the words on the screen. He cupped his hands in front of his mouth, in an effort to keep from crying aloud with relief.
Hey Colin,
I hope this finds you well, brother. I ran into Griffin by sheer accident here in Texas and found out you never got my letters. He said you wrote but they never came. I am so glad to hear you have an email because this is a lot more dependable than snail-mail (Cooper’s word, not mine).
&
nbsp; I miss you buddy and want you to know there’s no hard feelings. I had a rough go, I’m not gonna lie – but it’s harder missing my best friend than losing my leg (I prefer to keep the one I got though, so don’t get any ideas about giving me a matching set! Love ya’ man!) I’ve gone back to finish my degree I started online all those years ago and hopefully have a fiancée.
I’m glad you are on the other side of the world cause Daisy would love how fun a personality you have – she’s absolutely terrific and she’s so beautiful to me, it’s scary. I feel like it’s a miracle to have her in my life and I’m actually on my way to pop the question to her! Isn’t that something? Gosh I’m terrified- so pray for me, brother, that I don’t botch it up and she says yes!
Write back soon – better yet, some see me!
Seriously- You still owe me that beer and basketball game!
~ Ethan
Colin sat there stunned and quickly began to type as he realized that his hour was ticking away before his very eyes.
Ethan!
Oh my gosh- I was so shocked to get your email! I can’t tell you how sorry I am and how devastated I was that day. Man, I still hear your screams in my sleep and I swear that I will never get over that day. I’m so glad you have Daisy in your life and she makes you happy. There are so many emotions right now going on in my head- but most of all I’m so grateful that you wrote to me. I will have to tell you more but I need to gather myself up so I’m not a blubbering idiot in front of the other men. I get the computer once a week, so I will write you again next Tuesday and tell you more. I could use a few prayers right now too – my hearing is coming up soon for dereliction of duty. It’s bad, Ethan. So you pray for me and I will do the same! I hope Daisy says yes, dude- you deserve happiness.
Remember Love Page 2