Going to the grocery store, people commented on her setting the carrier on the shopping cart. Now, she put it down inside of the basket among the groceries in order to avoid their critical stares.
When she filled up her car’s tank with fuel, she hurriedly rolled down all the windows and vehemently wished that the pump would go faster. People always stared that there was an infant in the car. Ava knew that and it was the reason she paid at the pump, parked in the shade, and stood next to Aurora so she could watch her daughter. Now, she rarely allowed her tank to get below the halfway mark because it took less time to fill up.
She never went to restaurants or fast food places anymore because she felt pathetic sitting alone with the baby. The silent inquiring eyes haunted her. It was like she could hear their questions and comments in her mind.
Look at that woman, she’s alone. Where is the father? How sad is that? Why is she by herself and the baby is in the carrier? Shouldn’t she be holding her child? That food isn’t nutritious enough for her and if she’s breastfeeding it will get passed to the baby. Where’s the baby’s shoes? Look at how they are dressed? It’s shameful for an unmarried woman to have a child, she must be a loose woman!
A volley of horrible thoughts bombarded her and it just wasn’t healthy for Ava’s fragile psyche. She’d taken each feeling, each event, and adapted her life towards it in an effort to make her feel better. Ava found that when she and Aurora were alone, it was the happiest of times. She felt like herself and there was no incrimination in her daughter’s sweet eyes, only love. She was Aurora’s world and Ava would do anything to keep her safe and happy.
Writing to Colin made Ava feel good and so far his few replies seemed to be open and without condemnation. She was almost positive that both needed someone to talk to- but she also gave herself the mental pep talk that if he ever hurt her feelings or made her feel bad, she would not try to rebuild that bridge of friendship.
This unknown man was a stranger, even if he was Ethan’s friend. She couldn’t let someone in to her world that could hurt her. Having a pen-pal was something that should be fun and healthy – not recriminating or made her feel like she was failing as a person. The first time that ever happened, she’d block his email for her sake but in the meantime, she would enjoy his letters and the feeling of happiness it gave her in writing to him. She liked having someone to reach out to and it made her feel not quite so very alone. She understood Daisy’s warning to keep things private because he was a stranger and Ava was still healing.
Chapter 5
Colin found himself scribbling notes in a tiny worn out spiral notebook that he usually kept jammed in the front pocket of his uniform shirt. He was a list person and always had been, so for him it was easy to organize his thoughts when it came to be addressing something… such as composing a letter. He’d been surprised at the amount of emails he’d received over the last week. As he read through them, he felt like such a burden was being lifted off his shoulders – even if a dark cloud still loomed above him.
His hearing was tomorrow.
Focusing on what he could, Colin found himself treasuring each word as he read through the emails. Time was passing quickly and there was a line of soldiers behind him. He instead, printed the emails so he could read through them at leisure later. Ava had sent him several emails, some short and some long.
Ethan seemed to go on and on about his new life and relationship with Daisy. He was so glad and relieved to hear his friend was doing well. He was stunned to see that Ethan had also written a letter to him regarding his character for the hearing. It was like everything was coming together at once!
Hey Colin,
I can’t believe you get the computer every Tuesday- that seems pretty rough to have to wait a week to hear from you but I guess it’s better than nothing, right? I know things are probably not the greatest right now and if I know you- you are beating yourself up over the past.
You are not responsible for my injury – a hidden landmine was. You are my brother and my best friend. You’ve always looked out for me, taken care of me, been there for me – and my band of brothers saved my life. Yes, we were horsing around and should have been paying more attention, but nothing could have prevented one of us from stepping on the bomb. I’m just glad it was me and not you.
I’ve told Daisy all about you and you are always welcome in my home. Come see me when this mess gets straightened out. Remember, regardless of what the outcome is of the hearing – I do not blame you in the slightest, brother.
~ Ethan
Clearing his throat and wiping his eyes, Colin’s mind was whirling at the idea of seeing Ethan again. He quickly replied that he would try to email what the decision was- if he could. He forwarded the email from Ethan to his parents. There was no avoiding the subject any longer… his career would be held in the hands of the men and women tomorrow.
Mom and Dad,
Let me start with the biggest ‘I love you both’ and ‘thank you for raising me the right way’. You always said I was a goofball and it would catch up with me. Well it did – and Ethan paid the price.
We were on patrol and admittedly playing around when Ethan stepped on a landmine. Mom, I pushed him and that was the most horrible moment of my life. I haven’t been able to talk about it or deal with it very well at all – but Ethan’s written me and coping. He’s actually going to be getting married!
I am being tried tomorrow for dereliction of duty since I pushed him. I hate myself every time I think of his screams that day, knowing it’s all my fault. The trial decides if I am kicked out of the military, jailed, or suspended – and to be honest, even if Ethan forgives me- I feel like I deserve whatever comes my way. It’s taken me years, a land mine, and nearly losing my best friend… but I’ve finally grown up the hardest way possible. I don’t wish this on anyone- ever.
Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I will reach out as soon as I can (hopefully next Tuesday- I’m sorry). I love you both so much,
Colin
Glancing at the clock, Colin saw he had only moments left of his hour. He quickly wrote an email to Ava, swearing that he’d tell her more once he had access again. He felt really bad since she’d written to him repeatedly.
Ava,
There’s been a change to my schedule and my hearing is tomorrow. I printed your emails and will write as soon as I can. I’m so glad you are writing and I promise the next email will be longer than a few sentences. No time for a joke right now- time’s up and I am getting the evil eye from the guy in line behind me.
Keep writing- please… I enjoy your letters so much.
Colin
“Move it Wilkes, you are cutting into my hour.”
“I’m going,” Colin said quickly, gathering up the emails he’d printed. Folding the papers in half, he tucked them inside his boot to keep from losing one or one blowing away as he walked through camp.
He gave the tall soldier, Pena, that had been waiting impatiently, a mock salute as he moved away from the computer. Pena had always been impatient, gruff, and a by-the-books-kinda guy. This was no surprise to have him watching the clock and rushing him. If it was anyone other than Pena, he might have been able to sneak a bit more time in exchange for a few bucks or something.
Walking back to the tent, Colin immediately sat down on the edge of his bunk and dug out the papers. Unfolding them, he read through them smiling. Whoever this woman Ava was – she was witty and intelligent. Sitting on his bunk, he unfolded the letters and slowly began to read in the stifling heat of the tent. It was the only place he had that he could be alone for a bit until the other soldiers returned. She referred to him as Dear Diary several times over the next few pages.
Dear Diary (Colin),
You know, I thought it would be okay going back to work and dealing with a normal life – but its tough! I’m a clean freak – but having a child and working full time is driving me bonkers. There is no time for anything, it seems. Last night, I fell asleep folding lau
ndry on the couch in front of the TV because I was so tired. I do feel like things are getting back to normal, just didn’t realize that a normal life was so hard. I do have a weird question for you – why do dogs lick shoes? That’s not a joke, it’s a legit question. I’ll explain in another email… Aurora is crying again – gotta go!
Ava
Colin felt himself smiling softly, as he quickly flipped to another sheet of paper. Her words leapt from the pages and he could almost hear a faint, feminine voice in his head.
Dear Colin- the Diary Man,
Aurora is fed and in bed now – giving me about ten minutes flat before I need to go to bed too. Zombie Ava is not a fun gal. I go to group counseling after my incident (long story) and one of the puppies there keeps licking my shoes. That’s why I asked you about it. She’s a sweet but weird dog!
I mean, I’ve worn different shoes and still it’s like she prefers my shoes only. If people are licking the linoleum, others would say that they are completely insane… so does that mean the other dogs think she’s nuts? I found out that the dog’s name is Ragamuffin – or Rags, for short. Guess it could be worse? She could be named Cujo… Just saying.
Chat at you soon – I’m falling asleep and need to get up early.
Ava
Colin slipped the paper to the bottom of the stack and began reading the next email and smiled broadly at the words in front of him. He understood what Ava meant. He’d had a hard time sleeping too as he waited for his trial and was exhausted. The heat and stress had taken its toll on him.
Dear Colin, the Dairy… hahahahaha!!! Dairy Man?
Diary/Dairy…
What a typo! I am so exhausted and it’s been such a long week. I thought I’d share with you my goof-up and hope it makes you smile. I laughed so hard at it! I’ve had a few things that tickled me this week- but this one has to be the funniest by far.
Aurora was up all night off and on with a little cough. I know I can’t keep her in a bubble but I swear sometimes I think the other kids are petri dishes at daycare. I saw one today walking around with snot down to his chin to his chest! Yuck! I hope she isn’t coming down with something.
I’m off tomorrow – so one week down and in the books! Go Team Ava! LOL!
Thanks for listening, my dairy man!
Ava
Glancing up, Wilkes saw Cooper and Post playing checkers nearby. He knew that he would need to update his parents on tomorrow’s decision – but he also wanted to write Ava and regretted not sending more to her earlier. The more he read her letters, the more he wanted to simply reach out. He was scribbling down in his notebook a few key things that he wanted to ask her – things that stuck out to him instantly.
What was the incident she referred to?
Aurora having a cough made him remember being dosed with a few home remedies or his mother putting Vick’s on his chest. He wasn’t sure if that was okay for babies, but it seemed to always help. He found himself wanting to help Ava and offer advice – even though he had no idea what he was doing.
She’d mentioned something about the brakes on her car before… he wanted to know what that was about. His father was a mechanic and they used to tinker on cars together when he was a teenager. If he hadn’t gone into the explosives field, he would have turned to automotive. Someday he wanted to rebuild a 1978 Nissan Fairlady just to toodle around town in. He loved the sleek lines of the car and there was nothing better than doing something that made you feel like you’ve accomplished a task.
Colin wanted to tell her more about himself and idly wondered if he should refer to her as Dear Diary as well. He knew he couldn’t write as often as she had, but he would make it a really good letter when he did get a chance. If Ava knew Ethan, then perhaps she lived near enough that maybe he could say hello if he ever got the opportunity to meet up with his friend again.
Flipping through the papers, he read her next letter. It wasn’t long and simply made him feel a little special on the inside – if for no other reason than she seemed to be happy to have someone to write to, someone to share with.
Colin,
Listen, I know it’s been a few days and you are probably thinking ‘wow this weird girl keeps writing me’ – but I want to thank you for simply listening. If you are just hitting delete, let me keep up the delusion because I feel better being able to talk to someone who I can imagine is listening.
Today is Sunday and I’ve finally got things under control at home with the laundry, cleaning, and other ‘adulting’ chores. I’m getting ready to take Aurora out to the park. She still has that little cough, so I am wondering if it’s an allergy instead? We like to get a little sunshine and feed the ducks. Hope you have something there in your life that makes you feel like everything is going to be okay too.
Ava
Colin set back and re-read this last letter. It had been so long since he’d gone out to feed ducks some bread or crackers. He remembered doing it as a kid, the sounds of the birds chirping, seeing the water glisten on the lake. What would it be like to be able to go fishing once again? Just to be able to sit in the shade with a cold coke and a line in the water listening to the wind in the trees. Everything here in Afghanistan made you feel parched and barren. Suddenly, he closed his eyes imagined himself walking beside a faceless friend and enjoying the atmosphere in his mind. He knew then that he did have something in his life that made him feel like everything would be okay… it was her letters.
Colin arrived early to the building that would serve as the courtroom for the military court martial. The idea of being stripped of his active duty, his rank, or his very livelihood terrified him but he was helpless to whatever the officers would decide. The wait had been long enough and he was ready to move on with his life.
“Corporal Colin Wilkes, in reading your report of the incident that happened on August 3, 2016 – it would almost seem to be cut and dry. The day’s events are logged and testimony of your fellow officers’ state that you and Corporal Minter were roughhousing, pushing each other around. How do you respond, Corporal Wilkes?”
“Yes sir.”
“And on this day, were you armed?”
“Yes sir.”
“Your guns were loaded and yet you were pushing each other about like children? And did your commanding officer request that you stop?” Colin swallowed hard and stared straight ahead. The derisive tone of the man’s voice was telling. He could feel all of their eyes boring into him and felt shame burn his cheeks. This was his mess he’d gotten himself into and deserved whatever came.
“Yes sir.”
“Did you?”
“No sir,” Colin admitted, feeling sweat roll down his back in the airconditioned room. He felt sick to his stomach, knowing each word he said was incriminating himself even further. He was guilty of roughhousing around and ignoring a direct order. Nothing would ever change that- even if it was done innocently and in friendship. Ethan’s life had changed and he needed to be brave enough to accept his own fate.
“Yet, even though you say that you disobeyed your commanding officer – CPO John Griffin has written a letter of commendation for you. Why is that? If you are such a hazard to yourself and your team, why would your CPO say that – and I quote – ‘Corporal Colin Wilkes is of exceptional moral character and I wouldn’t want anyone else watching my back’… And then there is this statement from the victim himself. This is utterly unbelievable and not something any of us expected.”
The officer waved a piece of paper that Colin had submitted just this morning. It was Ethan’s email. The man in the officer’s uniform sat there glaring at him in sheer disbelief. Pena was on the counsel watching him closely. A copy of the email sat in front of him.
“The person harmed the most in this act of carelessness defends you and forgives you. I simply do not understand – other than to assume that this is a one-off event of such a magnitude that it will never happen again. Tell me Corporal, how long have you been in the service?”
“I am ne
aring my ten-year mark, sir.”
“And in ten years, is this your first offense? Ever?”
“Yes sir.”
“Are you reenlisting when your time is up?”
Time seemed to tick by slowly. Colin wasn’t sure how to answer the question. He knew that his future hung on that question. If he wasn’t reenlisting, would they simply kick him out now? If he was reenlisting, would they demote him or ship him out somewhere worse so he couldn’t harm anyone again? Feeling him stomach lurch, he realized that if this questioning kept up, he might throw up from the sheer nervousness he felt right now. Taking a deep breath, he spoke candidly and said a silent prayer.
“I am not certain sir. This incident has shaken me, to be quite honest,” Colin said truthfully, looking at the officer. He wasn’t sure because he felt like his whole world had fallen apart. His brothers in the barracks didn’t trust him – and that much was evident. They thought he had a death-wish or was trying to even the score. That wasn’t the case. He was distracted and in this field, that was dangerous to himself and others.
“I appreciate your candidness in the matter. I am suspending you, without pay, for thirty days. During that time, if there is another incident you will be charged in a criminal case for gross negligence and dereliction of duty. Take this time to decide what you are going to do with your career and your life.”
“Thank you sir.”
“I’m serious, Wilkes. This will not be tolerated again. Your record will stand and the court-martial will be a permanent mark in your record.”
Remember Love Page 4