“I don’t have a dog,” she stammered, seeing the items on the table.
“No, I know. I think you should bring Rags home with you,” he began. “I’m flying out tomorrow and I would feel better knowing you had a dog here that could scare anyone away.”
“What? Rags is a tiny thing! She won’t stop an intruder unless she licks them to death,” Ava smiled, her mind reeling at what he was saying.
“No, I know and you are probably right about the licking – but the barking could be enough to keep you safe. Besides, dogs are good for children too. I always had one growing up. They can help teach responsibility, caring, and empathy.”
“Aurora is an infant,” Ava protested. “She can’t do anything with a dog.”
“No, I know, but it would give them time to bond and when she starts walking,” Colin got really quiet and cleared his throat, looking away regretfully. “When little Aurora starts walking, she could pet Rags or help put food in her bowl. I think they call it ‘fine motor skill development’.”
“Are you okay?” she whispered, realizing that it was dawning on the man that he was going to miss out on events in Aurora’s growth. “You know I will send you emails, photos, and videos to keep you a part of our lives.”
“I’m glad,” he uttered. “Just consider taking Rags for me, please? I would feel much better about leaving.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Thank you,” Colin said, letting out his breath in a whoosh of relief. Reaching into the gift bag, he pulled out a teddy bear with a t-shirt on it that said ‘New York’ on the front. He walked over to where Aurora lay on a quilt on the floor.
“How’s my little lady?”
Ava watched the two of them, her heart full of emotion. Her daughter was kicking her legs playfully and opening her mouth to smile at the big soldier leaning over her, waving a teddy bear at her and making faces. She listened to Colin coo at the baby and smiled as he tapped the bear on Aurora’s belly.
“There is something in the bag for my other little lady in my life,” he admitted, giving Ava a sideways glance. Ava peeked inside the gift bag to see a black velvet drawstring bag at the bottom. Picking it up, she stared at Colin in surprise and started as Aurora let out a strangled laugh that sounded out of practice.
“Awww,” Colin laughed, looking at Ava. “She laughed at me. Has she done that before?”
“No, she hasn’t,” Ava whispered, marveling at the two most important people in her life. She picked up her cell phone and clicked record, forgetting about the gift. This moment in itself was a gift beyond measure. Colin played with Aurora again, causing the baby to laugh and shriek happily. His laughter echoed in the room before he looked at her standing there recording it. His smile changed ever so slightly as a tenderness fell over his face.
“Ava, thank you for giving me this week with you. Can you send me a copy of that so I can watch it when I’m gone?” he asked, pointing at the cell phone. Her eyes quickly blurred as she realized this would be all she had of him once he left. This, and his emails. Pressing stop, she nodded and turned away to wipe her eyes. Picking up the small velvet bag, she pulled out a silver chain bracelet and gasped at the tiny pink pacifier charm that dangled from it.
“Colin!” Ava protested at the extravagance and tenderness of the gift. This was something so unexpected and precious. He was a thoughtful man and she was lucky to have met him, she suddenly realized. She whirled around, only to bump into him as he snuck up behind her.
“Oops! Sorry,” he grimaced as she stepped on his shoe. “I was going to put it on your wrist.”
“You didn’t have to get me anything.”
“I know, but I saw it and thought it was perfect.”
“It is perfect,” she admitted, looking up at him. His blue eyes held hers for several moments and she could have sworn he was going to say something or try to kiss her, but instead he stepped back. He took the bracelet from her and fastened it around her wrist. “I’ll pick you up another charm when I get back to Afghanistan so you can have one to remember and think of both of us.”
“I’d like that.”
Just then, the oven beeped indicating that dinner was ready. Aurora let out another giggle and shriek. Ava looked at Colin and smiled tenderly.
“Your other girl wants attention too,” she teased, trying to lighten the mood between them. She yearned for him to touch her face or kiss her, both of which scared her to death, but not so much that she didn’t crave the idea of it more and more. Colin’s attention was an addiction that she could easily get hooked on.
“I’m not sure which of you is my favorite,” he professed, putting his hand over his heart mockingly. “I just go where I am needed.”
“I need to get our dinner out of the oven and she needs someone to play with,” Ava quipped, laying her hand on his chest and giving a little shove. The bracelet glittered and shined against her skin, reminding her of the sweet gift he’d bought her. Colin grabbed her hand and quickly kissed her palm tenderly, his eyes burning with affection. This time Ava didn’t freeze with fear, rather she found herself wondering what it would be like to kiss Colin.
“Yes ma’am.”
They sat at the kitchen table together and talked for what seemed like hours. That was the thing about him that was infinitely special – she could tell him anything and he never judged her for it. He just listened, offered up suggestions, or got upset in her defense. She ended up telling him about the attack, feeling tears roll down her cheeks as she’d not spoken to anyone else about it. She felt guilty because she could see his jaw tighten and his hands clench in anger.
“I’m sorry to make you upset, I just wanted to explain why I was having so many problems and kept pulling away,” she confessed.
“I think you are an amazing woman and I’d like to pummel the man that hurt you,” he admitted tightly. “I can understand why you are frightened of me and feel humbled that you’ve shared that moment with me. I feel like I’ve been going about this blindly, trying to impress you and afraid you’d see me as the monster everyone else does.”
Ava glanced up at him in surprise at his words.
“Back home,” he smiled ruefully, lost in thought. “They look at me differently, like I will let them down on purpose or something. Ethan lost his leg because we were goofing around but they blame me. I freely admit it was my fault because I pushed him directly into the path of the landmine. I’m not a monster and never intended to hurt anyone. I hope you know that I would give you all the time you need for us to be something more to each other. I don’t want you to ever look at me differently, like the team does. I don’t think I could handle it if you thought I would do more harm than good.”
“Colin,” she protested softly, reaching for his hand. “I don’t think I could, but it will take me some time to realize that I’m safe with you – that another man won’t hurt me again.”
“I will really miss you both,” he admitted thickly, picking up her hand and laying it against his cheek. “I’m not sure I am ready to leave but I have to go.”
“I know you do.”
“I want to kiss you so much it hurts, but I’m scared to try because I know you aren’t ready yet,” he confessed, looking at her. Ava started to pull her hand away from his face where it lay, but he held it tightly.
“Please don’t pull away yet,” he begged, his eyes closing as he swallowed. “I will miss your smile and your touch. If you need to let go, can we just sit on the couch and watch TV together? I want that closeness with you so I can remember it when I can’t see you, Ava.”
She felt hot fresh tears spring to her eyes, understanding exactly what he was saying. How would she get by when he was gone? She would desperately miss his smiles, his laughter, and the companionship he provided.
Colin got to his feet and held her hand, leading her to the couch. She was touched that he picked up Aurora and cradled her against his chest, before sitting down silently. Ava sat down directly beside him an
d threw her arm over him, surprising them both. She wasn’t ready to admit what was burning in her heart but knew it was killing her at the idea of him leaving.
The drive to the airport was numbing. Ethan had offered to take Colin, but he’d declined the moment Ava insisted that she would take him. He wanted every second he could with the woman he loved. If he hadn’t realized it before, he knew it now in every fiber of his being.
He’d held her tightly against him as they’d sat on the couch with her daughter cradled against his chest. The two of them were so precious to him and it was tearing him apart knowing that she would be here alone with Aurora. He’d taken a photo of the three of them, setting it as the wallpaper on his phone and texting it to his parents later that night. The twenty questions started and he ended up talking with his parents long into the night when he’d gotten back to Ethan’s apartment.
Friday, Colin had picked up Rags and paid the donation fee to Shamrock, insisting again that Ava take the little dog that adored her. He bought a few more bags of dog food, several more packages of diapers, and formula trying to provide for the two of them while he was gone.
Rags had trotted right inside and laid down right next to Aurora, who’d laughed in delight at whatever the fuzzy mass was next to her. That had solidified the decision that he’d pressed on Ava. She had balked at the dog again and the multiple packages of diapers, claiming it was too much – but Colin had insisted.
Looking at Ava’s profile as she drove, he marveled at the miracle she was to him. How they’d found each other, he would never understand what he’d done to deserve someone so very perfect. His bag was in the back of the car beside Aurora’s car seat and he glanced over to check on her.
Ava wasn’t sure she could speak without breaking down crying. She felt frozen thinking of what life would be like without him here. She felt like a prisoner going to the guillotine, knowing the happiness she’d felt would suddenly be over the moment he boarded that plane. What if he was hurt overseas? Would they contact her and would she ever know? He’d texted her the numbers of his parents, but when he hit ‘share contact’ it saved in her phone as Mom and Dad. Ava had amended it to Colin’s mom and Colin’s dad so she didn’t dial them by mistake.
“Are you going to be okay?” he asked, his voice thick with concern as he watched her. Ava simply nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She turned up the air-conditioning on the car, needing the cool breeze to try and calm down the panic bubbling inside of her.
“You can just drop me off at the departure lane,” Colin offered quietly. “You two don’t have to come inside.”
“We are coming in,” she said thickly and blinked rapidly to prevent herself from crying. She could do that later when she was alone and didn’t want to cry in front of him. As they pulled into the parking lot, they got out of the car and Colin grabbed his bag.
As Ava was getting the stroller, Colin pulled Aurora from her car seat- just like any other father would do, she realized, and felt her heart burn painfully with emotion. He cradled the baby against his chest, laying his head against hers. He carefully laid Aurora in the reclined stroller and looked at Ava silently, his blue eyes troubled. Without a word, he held out his hand to her.
Ava grabbed at this tether he offered, linking her fingers with his. Colin pushed the stroller silently into the airport like he’d done this a million times. They’d headed to the ticket counter, parting for only moments while he got his boarding pass. As they walked towards security, she realized that she couldn’t go any farther.
This is where she had to say goodbye.
“I’m not ready for this,” Ava uttered painfully, looking up at him. She saw the pain and unshed tears in his eyes as he looked at her. His eyes raked her face like he was trying to burn this moment in his memory. His hands held hers as they stood there with people walking around them.
“I’m going to miss you,” Colin whispered thickly. “Don’t forget to write me or send me a photo of you both.”
“I promise, I will,” she replied, trying to keep herself together. “These last few days have meant so much to me,” she began and realized she couldn’t speak anymore, nodding silently as if to finish the sentence. A single hot tear streaked down her cheek and Colin quickly brushed it away with his thumb.
He leaned down towards her and hesitated, resting his forehead against hers instead. They stood there, his thumb tracing the line of her jaw as their faces were close, yet so far away. She breathed in his cologne and felt his breath against her, wishing this single moment could go on forever.
“Ava,” he began softly, the merest whisper in the dull noises around them. The announcements for boarding calls, the whirls of the carts, the chatter of people nearby all created a white noise around them, but everything in her was focused on Colin.
“This is probably the worst timing but I just have to tell you that I…”
Ava stood on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his tenderly. She felt him start in surprise only moments before he kissed her back. His lips were infinitely tender, the show of emotion bittersweet, knowing that single kiss would have to last between them.
“I love you,” he breathed against her lips. “I’m not trying to scare you or run you off, but I can’t keep it to myself anymore. I want you to have as much time as you need for us but I am coming home to you when I can. Don’t say anything right now, just let me have this memory of us.”
Her heart hammered in her chest, as he held their faces together, his hands resting against her neck and shoulders tenderly. He kissed her nose, her eyelids, her forehead, and then her lips again.
“I’ve got to go,” he admitted.
Releasing her, he smiled apologetically. His eyes were bright with intensity. Ava’s heart was breaking as she watched him pick up Aurora from her stroller. He kissed the baby on the cheek and quickly put her back. Ava felt him pull her into his arms again; this time she went eagerly, knowing this was her final chance to do so for an unknown amount of time.
“I love you,” he admitted, brushing her hair off of her face. “I love you both more than you could ever know.” Colin’s arms released her as he kissed Ava on the cheek.
“Don’t forget me.”
“I never could.”
Colin backed away from them slowly, wiping his eyes. He got in line for security and as soon as he was through the detector, he then turned to wave goodbye before he was out of sight. Ava’s heart shattered with emotion as she saw him disappear from sight.
“I love you too,” she whispered painfully, but he was already gone.
Chapter 14
June 2016
Colin,
I can’t believe you’ve been gone a day already. I made it home from the airport and we both miss you terribly. I hope your layovers allow you to get some rest and your trip is uneventful. Aurora seems to know you are gone and that my heart hurts so much right now. Text me when you land in Afghanistan and you are safe.
Ava
My sweet Ava,
I’ve landed in Afghanistan and my phone is already drained quite a bit from scrolling through the photos of us repeatedly. I bought a battery saver at one of the airport shops and am sitting at my last layover right now. I’ll be with the guys by this afternoon, well – it will be evening time for you. I bought a few calling cards at the duty-free shop, as well as that charm I promised you for your bracelet.
I love you so much and already miss your smile.
Colin
Colin,
I got your text messages and miss you terribly. Call me when you get a second so I can just hear your voice. I don’t care what time it is here! Aurora has a checkup late next week to see how she is doing and I am willing to bet that she’s pushing thirteen pounds now. You’d be so proud; she keeps tucking her leg underneath her in an attempt to roll over.
I love you too.
Ava
July 2016
Colin,
Happy Independence Day, my love! The fireworks ha
d Aurora crying at the loud noises and Rags made a complete mess all over the kitchen floor. My guard dog that you insisted upon is a big chicken, just FYI. I dreamt you were here last night, playing with Aurora on the floor just before I walked over to kiss you. I wish I could do that right now. The doctor appointment for her checkup went well and I was wrong about her weight – she’s almost fourteen pounds! The doctor recommended I start her on a little cereal to keep her full longer. I wish you could see her, she’s so inquisitive that she’s rubbed a bald spot on the back of her head from looking around so much.
Love,
Ava
My lovely Ava,
I wish I could see you both too. I got your photos you texted and you are such a miracle to me. Did you get the charm in the mail yet? I picked you up another one today. Cooper is completely envious of my iPad. I play Candy Crush in front of him every chance I get cause the guy is addicted. I feel like I can let my mind go numb and it makes the pain of missing you easier to deal with. Try to get some rest with little Aurora and our chicken-of-a-dog. I will call you Friday night so you can try to sleep in Saturday. I’m always scared that you will miss out on resting.
I love you,
Colin
Ava got his last email on Wednesday. She lay there in bed Friday night, trying to stay up as late as possible. She’d gotten the small enamel heart in the mail today from him and immediately clasped it onto the bracelet she’d worn every day since he’d left. It was kind of easy to stay up because she’d moved Aurora into a crib in the next room instead of the bassinet in her bedroom. She kept listening to the baby monitor and checking on her to see if she was asleep. At eleven in the evening, her cell phone rang and she quickly answered it.
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