Falling Away

by Penelope Douglas

  Madoc and Fallon’s house was off his father’s radar, and it was secure, he’d said.

  It was bullshit, and I knew it last night.

  I would’ve believed him if he’d looked at me once during his tattoo. If he hadn’t spent most of my time in the chair outside on his phone. If he had smiled at me or looked at me the way he always did.

  But the warmth was gone, and something was wrong.

  And it wasn’t his father.

  After I’d packed a bag, he drove me to Madoc’s, kissed me, and left. I hadn’t heard from him since.

  Fallon was taking me to school—something that must’ve been arranged without my knowledge, because I didn’t even have to ask.

  I refreshed my phone, my head falling a little when I still had no reply.

  “Yeah,” I sighed, stuffing my phone in my bag, “if you could pick me up at noon, that would be awesome. Thank you.”

  I couldn’t walk all the way to their house, after all. And I wasn’t texting Jax to see if I was getting a ride from him.

  I forced myself to swallow the huge lump in my throat as I wiped the sweat from my brow.

  I didn’t need reassurance every two hours that he wanted me.

  I didn’t need to be by his side every waking moment.

  And I didn’t do anything wrong.

  The last thing I was going to do was overreact. I’d texted. He knew I was thinking of him. And he had a good reason for his distance. At least I hoped.

  I was going to enjoy my day.

  After the long weekend, I was ready to get back to school. Spending the Fourth of July at the falls would probably be the highlight of my summer, but I’d actually missed the classroom and my students.

  My students.

  Strange, now that I’d finally reached them to some extent, it was fun being there. I was going to be sad when it was over in a week.

  “Here you go, babe.” Fallon cruised up to the front of the school. “I’ll be here at noon.”

  “Thanks,” I said, unfastening my seat belt. “I’m sorry you have to play chauffeur.”

  “I have nothing else to do,” she said matter-of-factly, smiling at me.

  I opened the door, but she grabbed my arm. “Tate and I are going for a run this afternoon in the Mines. I know you’re more of a gym person, but you should come. A good run will always show you how out of shape you didn’t know you were.” She smirked.

  “Ohhhh.” I smelled her challenge, my eyes widening. “Since you put it that way …”

  I smiled, climbing out of the car and watching her drive off.

  I took a deep breath, the weight of the messenger bag below my hip heavier with a phone that wasn’t vibrating. I brought up my wrist, rubbing my thumb over the scar and wincing at the pain I forgot was there.

  Looking down, I saw the new tattoo and let out a grateful smile, thankful for the reminder.

  Non Domini. No masters.

  Clutching the strap of the messenger bag, I entered the building.

  “Keep going! Keep going!” Tate barked, swinging her arms back and forth like a machine.

  I sucked in air—in and out, in and out—until I thought I was going to die.

  Holy shit. This wasn’t fun! This wasn’t even on the same planet as fun!

  But I needed to work off some steam.

  I’d seen Jax on the field today, training the incoming lacrosse team, looking sweaty and angry and sexy, but when I’d finished my day, his car was already gone from the parking lot. It was stupid to want to cry over something so silly, but I was in knots.

  He was ignoring me.

  He could be busy or worried about his father, except he’d found time to come to practice but no time to call or shoot me a text?

  Little shit.

  I grunted, the anger fueling my muscles.

  All three of us, including Fallon, were lined up side by side, doing step-ups as if the devil were chasing us, on the wooden staircase at the Mines of Spain.

  My heart pounded like a mammoth beast stomping across my chest, and sweat drenched my stomach, face, and back.

  And my ears! My fucking ears were sweating.

  “I hate you both,” I gasped, jamming up the step with my left, my right, and then back down. Again and again and again and …

  Fuck!

  “Come on,” Fallon bellowed. “Faster! It’s good for the ass!”

  “My ass likes BodyPump!” I roared, my legs shaking more each second. “In an air-conditioned room with music and fans and a smoothie bar nearby!”

  “Don’t be a pussy!” Fallon’s temple dripped with sweat.

  “Keep going.” Tate held the stopwatch. “Just one more minute!”

  “Oh, God,” I groaned, gritting my teeth. “Nachos and truffles and ice cream, oh, my. Nachos and truffles and ice cream, oh, my.”

  “What are you doing?” Tate demanded.

  I swallowed through the dryness in my thick mouth. “It’s what I say when the going gets tough at the gym,” I breathed out. “It’s motivation. Nachos and truffles and ice cream, oh, my! Nachos and—”

  “Truffles and ice cream, oh, my!” they joined in as we all simultaneously picked up pace. “Nachos and truffles and ice cream, oh, my! Nachos and truffles and ice cream, oh, my! Nachos and—”

  “And we’re done!” Tate exclaimed, cutting us off and smiling through her exhaustion.

  Everyone collapsed, relief washing over our tired bodies as our heads bobbed with each breath.

  I was too tired to move. Too tired not to move. My legs bent up and then straightened, uncomfortable. My chest ached with the heavy exertion, and I leaned back on my elbows, finding myself getting nauseated, so I leaned back up again and over my knees, trying to get my heart to calm down.

  I was out of shape. Note to self: Need to do more cardio.

  We all sucked down the rest of our water, and I was glad they’d told me to tuck a hand towel into the back of my shorts. There was sweat everywhere, so I wiped off my stomach—bare in its sports bra—and my face, arms, and legs.

  “So, do Jared and Jax have any idea where their father is?” Fallon threw her towel down and grabbed her water again, looking at Tate and then me.

  “I’m sure if anyone has any idea it’s Jax?” Tate spoke up and then glanced at me.

  I shrugged, feeling a little lost. Jax was tough when it came to his father. He didn’t tell me much, but I soothed myself with the fact that he and his brother probably didn’t tell anyone much of anything.

  “You know I’ve never agreed with my father’s business,” Fallon started, talking with her hands, “but this is one instance when Jax should’ve just let him take care of it.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  She pinned me with serious eyes. “My father offered to deal with him. Jax said no.”

  “Deal with him?” Tate repeated. “As in …?”

  “As in,” Fallon inched out, “set him up with a new pair of cement shoes and go for a walk at the bottom of Lake Michigan.”

  My eyes bugged out.

  By the way she’d confided, I knew it embarrassed her a little. Now I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to meet her father.

  “Jesus,” Tate mumbled, leaning back on her hands and looking to the ground.

  “Well”—I cleared my throat—“I’m glad Jax said no, then.”

  “Are you?” Fallon looked at me, amused. “Chickens always come home to roost, and your boyfriend is always one step ahead of everyone else.” She picked up her towel and threw it over her shoulder, looking at me pointedly. “He doesn’t disagree with what my father wants to do, Juliet. He simply wants to do it himself.”

  I spent the rest of the afternoon doing a great job of distracting myself. I completed my lesson plans for the last week of tutoring and then went swimming in Madoc’s pool with him, Fallon, Tate, and Jared. They ordered pizza for dinner, but I excused myself to do laundry.

  I needed to leave.

  Even though Fallon and Madoc wer
e welcoming, we weren’t close. At least not yet. I felt as though I was freeloading, a piece of furniture that kept getting shuffled around.

  Shane’s parents might welcome me, but I’d feel the same there. I had little money, nowhere to live, and no real options that I liked, but it had to happen.

  I needed a job, like yesterday, and then I’d see about finding someone who needed a roommate or had a room to rent. I had enough money to get me started, but I’d need a job to keep me going.

  I hadn’t felt as though I was floundering when I stayed at Tate’s—or Jax’s—but now the reality of everything that had happened in the past few weeks brought me to a sudden halt. I’d lost my college tuition, my mother, who even though she was a demon with an updo, was still there to catch me as far as providing the basics, and I’d lost my carefully planned future.

  I was starting over.

  I wasn’t unhappy, but I was scared shitless. No one was taking care of me anymore.

  I lugged a wash basket full of clean clothes into Fallon’s old room and saw the light blinking on my phone that sat on the bed.

  Racing to it, I frowned, seeing a missed call from Shane instead of Jax.

  But then I let out a sigh and closed my eyes, mentally kicking myself.

  Dialing her back, I didn’t even let her say hello. “Dude, I’m sorry I forgot to call you. Shit. Don’t be mad, okay?”

  She was leaving for California, and we were supposed to spend time together.

  “It’s okay. It’s okay.” She laughed. “Really. But I am leaving tomorrow, and I want to see you tonight.”

  “Okay,” I blurted out, thankful she wasn’t yelling over my forgetfulness. “Well, I’m stuck at Madoc and Fallon’s house with no ride and no license, so you’ll have to come and get me.”

  “Wait … you’re not at Jax’s party?”

  My face fell instantly.

  Jax’s party?

  I lowered myself to the bed, my heart slowly creeping up my throat.

  “Excuse me?” I breathed out, narrowing my eyes to keep my voice steady.

  “Jax is having a party tonight,” she stated, her tone serious. “It started an hour ago, and I was just about to head over, but I wanted to call to make sure you were there already.”

  I shook my head, breathing in and out as slowly as I could manage. “Yeah, yeah.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I forgot about it,” I lied. “Everything is slipping my mind lately. I’ll meet you there, okay?”

  “But you can’t drive!” she yelled, but I hung up.

  I jetted out of the room and down the stairs, bypassing mirrors for the first time in my life. After the pool, I’d changed into some cutoff jean shorts and a cute tank top, but my hair still hung wet from my shower, and I had on no makeup.

  “Madoc?” I called, grabbing his keys off the counter. “I’m taking your car. I’ll be back in a while.”

  “What!” I heard him yell from the patio where they were all still eating and playing.

  But I was out the door before he even made it into the house.

  Once on the highway, I cruised like a pro. It was only my third time driving a stick, and while my transitioning from gear to gear was still rough, I held it together damn well.

  I wasn’t really thinking about the driving. Or the car.

  There could be a million and one reasons why Jax had been distant the past twenty-four hours. Reasons I would understand and be mellow about. I was agreeable, after all, and I’d played it his way.

  Because I trusted him.

  But there was no reason to have a party and not tell me. Nothing had been officially said out loud. Was I his girlfriend? Was I not? Who the fuck cared what we called it? He cyberstalked me, I gave him my body, and he pulled a knife on me! That shit affords me some kind of fucking explanation.

  He didn’t know I loved him, but he damn well knew I cared. What was his problem?

  I pulled into Tate’s empty driveway, already seeing the packed street and cliques of people carousing on his lawn.

  I turned off the car and let out a tired breath, looking over at his house.

  Everything was fine.

  I closed my eyes, listening for a minute to Devour the Day’s “Good Man” blasting from the house.

  Everything was fine. I was overreacting.

  He was worried about his father and wanted to get drunk or something, and he didn’t want me to see. That was all.

  He’s still mine. I would keep repeating it to myself until I started to believe it.

  I climbed out of the car and didn’t break pace as Shane came running up beside me on the front lawn.

  “Do you want me to go in first?” she asked, out of breath.

  “Why?”

  “He’s having a party, and he didn’t tell his girlfriend.” She sounded worried, as if there would be drama.

  “I’m not his girlfriend,” I whispered.

  I’m just his. I rubbed the chill from my naked arms, missing the blanketing warmth of his skin.

  We walked into the house through the wide-open door and took in the sight of more people than I had ever seen at a party here before. I let my eyes drift up the stairs, seeing people head up and down and wondering where Jax was in this mess.

  Was he wasted? Was he outside with his toys like last time? Was he even here?

  Peering into the living room, the heavy smell of smoke hit me, and I saw dancers standing on the wooden coffee table. Two girls—still dressed, thank God.

  The room was trashed, though. The partiers had made short work of spreading their Solo cups and beer bottles, spilling their drinks, and moving furniture around. A couple of pictures even hung off balance.

  I narrowed my eyes. This party had been going for a while.

  Walking into the family room, I scanned for Jax, my stomach twisting tighter when I didn’t find him.

  A guy swayed past me, stumbling over his feet, and the couple in the corner had lost their inhibitions completely.

  Men roared from the kitchen, clothes were coming off, and everyone was wild.

  Everyone was wasted.

  I tucked my hair behind one ear and pushed through the kitchen, wincing when I noticed two girls in their bras playing some drinking game at the table.

  What the hell? Jax didn’t let shit like this happen. People respected his house and his belongings, and people kept their clothes on.

  I stepped onto the back porch, instantly smiling through my relief.

  There he was.

  Playing with his toys, of course.

  He was smiling, the black pants that I loved hanging low on his waist, and his long, muscular torso looking utterly gorgeous. His face was easy and relaxed, and he combed his hand through his hair, making my stomach flutter. I thought I saw him glance my way, but then someone said something to him, distracting him.

  Everything was fine. He didn’t even look drunk, either.

  He laughed at something a friend said and then tossed his wrench into a box on the table. And then I watched, my smile falling, as he came up behind a girl …

  … pulling her hips into his and burying his mouth into her neck.

  What …

  My breath shook, and I shot my eyes down to the floor, trying to steel my face, but the tears pooled anyway.

  No.

  I quickly glanced back up, desperately trying to keep the fucking tears away.

  What the hell? My heart hammered, flooding my body with a nervous energy, and I fisted my shaking hands over and over again.

  His fingers held her waist, and I could see her grinding her ass into him as her blond head fell back against his chest. His hand splayed across her stomach, bare in her half shirt, and his mouth touched her skin.

  I clutched the wooden post in front of me, watching as he turned her around and let her put her arms around his neck.

  I looked away again, wincing. He wasn’t doing this. I knew Jax.

  My mother, my father, Liam, no one got me, but Jax got me. We ma
de each other better. He would never do this.

  “Oh, my God,” Shane whispered beside me, seeing what I saw.

  I stood up straight, the ache in my chest making me want to crumble and cry instead.

  Walking down the steps, I saw Jax’s eyes fix on me almost immediately. His back straightened, and the girl with her hands all over him turned, following his gaze.

  “Aren’t you supposed to be at Madoc’s?” He sounded pissed, dropping into a cushy lounge chair and bringing the girl down into his lap as if I was of no consequence.

  “You son of a—,” Shane barked, but I shot out my arm, stopping her.

  I steeled myself and stood there, looking at him.

  Only him.

  Into those blue eyes that were mine, at least for a while.

  I ignored his hand rubbing her thigh. It didn’t hurt.

  He was touching someone else, and I didn’t want to scream, and my heart didn’t bleed a thousand times worse than when I’d lost my father.

  I clenched my fists and let the fucking lump sit in my throat.

  It didn’t hurt.

  “Is she your girlfriend?” the blonde asked.

  Jax smiled his cocky smile and touched her stomach, his thumb grazing under her shirt. “Well, if she is, I hope she plans to share.” He kissed her cheek. “You’re too sweet to give up.”

  She let out a quiet laugh and inched her lips into his face. “You just like me because I let you do anything you want to me.”

  Jax smiled, letting his head fall back as he looked up at me. “If you want to join in, we can all go up to the room.”

  Shane immediately hooked my arm from behind to pull me back, but I yanked it free, scowling down at Jax.

  I’d always told myself that I deserved good things—that I was worthy—but fuck if I ever believed it. You can’t tell yourself anything. Your heart only believes what it feels, and experience is the best teacher.

  I reached forward, grabbed the girl’s arm, and yanked her off Jax’s lap.

  “Hey,” she whined, but I planted my hands on his armrests and glowered down at him.