His gorgeous face watched me.
“Why?” I demanded.
His eyes narrowed. “Because I can.”
I shook my head. “This isn’t you. You’re not cruel, and you don’t want her. Why are you pushing me away?”
“It’s just summer fun,” he retorted. “Now fuck me or fuck off.”
I dug my nails into the chair, searching his eyes for anything soft. Anything warm and mine. Anything I could recognize.
But all I saw was his sick smile.
“I barely see her,” I whispered, baring my teeth. “I only see you. Your father didn’t make you unclean. The shit you’ve been through didn’t make you dirty. This,” I seethed, pointing at him and growling low, “this—right here, right now—is what makes you scum.”
I pushed off the chair and backed up, seeing his eyes turn dark and wanting the guy who could barely control himself in the kitchen last week when I’d made him dinner. The guy who was jealous my ex-boyfriend called. The guy who called me his girl.
I wanted him to carry me up to his room and close the door so we could be lost in each other as if the rest of the world didn’t exist.
But he just sat there.
I’d fought for Liam and look what that got me. It was someone else’s turn to fight for me.
I turned and left, letting the hot tears fall. It fucking hurt. My lips pursed together, trying to stop the flood, but it was no use.
I hated him.
And I loved him.
And tonight he was going to be sleeping with someone else, or maybe he had already last night or today, and I was an idiot. I was a fucking nonstop train wreck.
I grabbed Shane’s hand, squeezing it tight as I pushed our way through the crowd and out the front door.
I’d see him again. Probably a lot. And I cried more, realizing that. The tears burned my cheeks, and even though they just kept coming and coming, my sobs were silent. Misery usually was.
“Hey, where you going?”
I stopped, looking up at Tate through blurry eyes.
And Jared.
And, fuck me, Madoc and Fallon, too. I guess everyone decided to chase me down.
I sniffled, clearing my throat. “Home.” I tossed Madoc his keys and took a step, but Tate grabbed me again.
“Hey, hey. Stop,” she ordered, and I looked away when she held my shoulders. “You’re crying. What’s wrong?”
I said nothing. I didn’t need to talk about it. I’d spent my life around people who taught me nothing, and now I just wanted to be alone for a while. I wanted to be proud of myself.
I’d grown up.
I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and squeezed her tight, my face pinching with the heartache and the tears streaming down.
“I love you,” I whispered, and then pulled back and spoke to Jared. “I’m sorry I used you in high school,” I said, and looked to Tate, whose eyes were bright with concern. “And I’m so sorry I hurt you. I was wrong, and I will never betray your trust again.”
Tate’s voice shook. “Juliet …”
But I’d already turned and left.
CHAPTER 26
JAXON
I hate how Gordon walks behind me down the stairs. I want to see him coming, and I always feel as if he’ll push me. I move faster than normal¸ the bulge in my pocket giving me courage.
“There’s my boy,” I hear as I reach the bottom of the stairs.
My stomach shakes at the sound of her voice. Sherilynn, my dad’s girlfriend, is always the first to touch me, but I don’t look up. Her frizzy red hair, blond at the roots, and her smeared red lipstick always look the same. Her clothes, too small for her body, remind me what she wants with me, and everything is dirty.
Everything.
If I don’t look I can imagine that she’s pretty. Her wrinkled skin will be soft, and I can pretend that her voice, hoarse from too many cigarettes, is sweet.
I know there are pretty things in the world. Girls at school. My teachers. Things could be clean and sweet and pretty. The moms who pick up my classmates look as though they smell good.
I’ve never been hugged by someone who smelled good.
I curl my toes inside my old, cracked, secondhand sneakers, and I close my eyes as her hands go into my hair. My body feels sick, as if it wants to breathe but can’t, and the world turns black.
The wet, cold smell of mold, cigarettes, and dirt fills my nostrils, and I want to puke.
“Do you want the other one?” Gordon asks behind me.
The other one?
Sherilynn strokes my face. “Yeah, I think it’s time. Go get him.”
I snap my head up, opening my eyes. “Who?”
“Your brother, dipshit.” Gordon pushes my shoulder. “Time for him to join our fun.”
I swing around, pushing Gordon’s chest. “No!” I roar, and he darts out, grabbing my hair at the scalp.
“Why, you little shit.” His hand flies across my face in a loud smack that echoes in the room. My cheek burns, but I don’t stop.
I kick him and swing my arms. “Don’t touch him!” I yell, my face hot with anger.
My father had just beat the crap out of him while I was in the freezer, and tonight I was getting us out of here. I had to get him home.
I swing furiously, not even thinking. No!
“Take him!” Gordon yells, and I tense as soon as I feel Sherilynn’s fist in my hair, stinging my scalp.
Gordon lets go and his fist slams right into my face. I fall to the floor instantly, my ears ringing and my brain fogging over.
I hear footsteps on the stairs, and I dig out the knife in my pocket. The one I’d grabbed off the counter before they brought me down.
I slash at Sherilynn’s leg, and she cries out, letting go of my hair immediately. Gordon stops on the stairs and lunges back down, charging me.
I stumble as I try to stand, my body heavy as I raise my fist and lunge at him. “Leave us alone!” I scream.
And sink the blade right into his neck.
He stops. He looks stunned.
Tears blur my vision, and I start gasping in breath as I watch him without blinking.
He stumbles and paws at the knife still lodged in the side of his neck.
And then he falls.
I back up to the wall, my eyes wide, and I watch him gasp and sputter for breath and the tears dry. I remember Sherilynn is in the room, but it’s quiet. She should’ve screamed. I look over.
She’s lying on the floor, a pool of blood next to her thigh.
I slide down the wall and watch them both eventually stop breathing. I don’t go for help, and I don’t cry.
The early-morning rain set in fast, and I just stared, sitting on the back porch with my arms resting on my knees.
The earbuds still sat in my ears, Hinder’s “Better Than Me” poetically fucking with my head as I squeezed the damp piece of paper in my fist.
Holding her words tight. Holding all I had left of her.
I love him, and I don’t want to. He’s not ready.
I carried the journal page everywhere with me.
It had been four days. Four days and nine hours since she’d talked to me or looked at me or been in the same room with me, and every day that passed my stomach got more and more hollow and my muscles got weaker. I reveled in it. I wanted to suffer. I wanted the pain.
I was miserable without her.
School was the only place where I saw her, but she never looked my way. She sat in her classroom, working with her students and smiling, and then she’d stick in her earbuds and quietly walk home—all the way to Madoc’s house. I hadn’t seen her once over the weekend, and I hadn’t checked on her.
I let my head fall, my stomach groaning with hunger.
I’d cut my run short this morning because I had no fucking energy. No energy because I had no appetite. No appetite because I was scum.
I ran my hand over the top of my head, pushing back the drenched hair and licking the rain from my
lips.
“What are you doing?”
I lifted my head at Jared’s voice, hooding my tired eyes. “I’m not in the mood.”
“Well, we need to talk about our father,” he pressed. “Have you been able to find him?”
Everything was tired, including my voice, as I stood up and walked toward him to the house.
“I really don’t give a fuck about him right now,” I said, exhausted.
“Jesus,” he breathed out, grabbing my jaw to look at me, but I jerked out of his grasp. “When was the last time you fucking slept?”
I pushed past him and stepped into the kitchen, going for the refrigerator.
“Answer me,” he pressed.
“Just leave me alone, Jared.” I spoke calmly, but it was a warning.
He tossed his keys on the table and folded his arms over his wide chest. “I’ve left you alone for four days, because Tate told me to stay out of your business, but look at you.” His eyes turned angry as he gestured at me. “You’re pale. Your cheeks are sunken in. What the hell?”
The ache sitting in the middle of my brain spread down my neck, and I couldn’t look at him.
“Why did you fucking cheat on her?” he asked me, sounding as if I’d made the dumbest mistake of my life.
I turned around and leaned against the sink. “I didn’t.” I shifted my eyes away from him. “I just wanted her gone.”
The girl at the party was someone I’d hooked up with before, but prior to Juliet, I hadn’t been with anyone in over a month. I didn’t sleep around, and I hadn’t been with anyone since her, either.
He stood there, silent, probably waiting for me to explain further, but gave up.
“I’m not K.C.’s—Juliet’s, I mean—biggest fan,” he said, taking a step forward, “but she was good to you, Jax. I don’t understand this.”
“You don’t need to,” I mumbled. “It’s not your business. She just deserves better, is all.”
“There is no better. There’s nothing wrong with you.” He sounded defensive. “She was lucky to have you.”
“No.” I shook my head. “She wasn’t. I’d never be good enough for her. She was falling in love, and I …” I swallowed. “I didn’t want her hurt worse. It was time to move on.”
I crossed my arms over my bare chest, feeling Jared’s eyes studying me. He was doing that more and more lately. Taking time to process and react. But when I looked up, I didn’t like what I saw in his eyes.
Confusion and disappointment.
“Don’t,” I warned. “Don’t look at me like that.”
The corner of his mouth turned up in a condescending smile. “You always act so smooth, Jax, like you’ve got life figured out and you’ve got everyone else’s number. You don’t even have yourself straight.” He shook his head at me. “It took me a long time to see it, but you really have no idea what the fuck you’re doing, do you, Jax?”
My fists clenched, tucked under my biceps. “Don’t,” I bit out, shaking my head back at him.
He was wrong. Everything was going to be in order again. Neat. Organized. Clean.
He stepped forward, inching closer and taunting me. “You make money working for Fallon’s father, you exchange favors with the cops, and you think you can sit up there in that office of yours playing God with everyone else under your thumb, because when it comes to you”—he darted his head out, getting in my face—“and your life, you need to avoid everything to control anything.”
He crowded me, his eyes bearing down. “You can boast your power over everyone else,” he continued, “but even you don’t buy it. You think about where you came from and everything that happened to you, and you think that you don’t deserve to have want you want. You think she’ll end up being ashamed of you. Down deep, you think you’re shit.”
I shot up and scowled down at him.
“At least I cut her loose before it was too late,” I growled, locking eyes with him. “Someday Tate will see through you. Ten years from now when you’re living in the suburbs in your two-story Colonial with hardwood floors and crown molding, and you’re trying to shuffle the kids into the SUV so you’re not late for another fucking birthday party …” I nodded. “She’ll see it.”
He narrowed his eyes, taken aback.
I continued. “She’ll see it, because you’ve stopped talking to her, you’ve stopped touching her, and the Boss has been under a tarp for years, and she can’t figure out why you don’t smile anymore.” I held his eyes. “She didn’t see that you took on a career you hated because you wanted to feel worthy of her. Because you knew how much a doctor would make, and you didn’t want your wife to be ashamed of you. And she’ll notice that over the years, your heart grew colder, the house grew more silent, and she’ll cry at night because she sees how the new neighbor flirts with you and how you like it. It’s the first thing in a long time that makes you feel alive.”
Fear flashed in his eyes, and he watched me, not breathing.
I lowered my voice to a near whisper. “You’re dying inside, and you’re killing her along with you, and you don’t even know it.” I paused, seeing the pain in his eyes. “At least I cut Juliet loose,” I said.
There was nothing more to say. Nothing he could tell me that I hadn’t already called, and I saw the hurt all over his face, because he knew what I said was true.
We were both fucked.
“Jared?”
I shot my eyes up, and Jared jerked his head around, both of us seeing Tate take a slow, single step into the kitchen.
I closed my eyes, letting out a quiet sigh.
Shit.
Tears had welled up in her storm-blue eyes, and Jared and I both knew she’d heard everything.
“Is that true?” she asked, her voice cracking. “Are you unhappy?”
Jared dropped his head, looking away from her as the muscles in his jaw flexed. “Get the fuck out of here,” he said through gritted teeth, and I knew he was talking to me. “I’m going to put you through a fucking wall. Get out.”
He wasn’t lying. And I deserved it.
I grabbed my shirt off the kitchen chair and left the house.
I had no right to judge my brother. Maybe he hated going to school, maybe he hated the military, but maybe Tate was his dream, and for her, he’d put up with anything because she was his happiness.
I’d felt like shit, and I’d wanted him to feel it, too.
When did I start hating everyone?
I drove the quiet streets, still desolate at seven thirty in the morning, as I thought about how screwed up my life had gotten in the past few weeks. The routine that I loved had lost its luster, and I’d be happy if I never looked at a fucking computer again.
Pulling a sharp right, I barreled into the school parking lot with only one thought in mind. To run myself to exhaustion around the track.
But as I pulled into a space, I slammed on the brakes, seeing Liam’s Camaro parked next to the janitor’s truck.
The janitor opened the school every morning at six thirty. What the hell was Liam doing here?
I threw open the door and climbed out, slipping on my black T-shirt before slamming the door and jamming up the steps.
Heading straight for the stairs, I climbed up to the second floor and headed for the chem lab.
Juliet wouldn’t be here this early, but I still needed to make sure. My running shoes squeaked on the marble floor, but I heard his voice before I even reached the room.
“I loved you,” he said, sounding pained. “I still love you.”
I slowed, coming to a stop outside the door.
“I just never felt like you wanted me. Not really,” he continued. “I was an asshole. I know that, but”—he paused, and I could hear his heavy breathing—“baby, I just hate seeing you with him.”
I heard a chair scrape on the floor, and Juliet sounded stern. “You cheated on me. Twice,” she pointed out, sounding out of patience. “You’re cheating on what’s her name right now by coming here. I have n
o doubt that I’m partly to blame for our relationship failing, but you’re an incredible piece of work. Don’t call me and don’t try to see me again.”
A slight grin lifted my lips.
“Now, just go,” Juliet said, sounding exasperated.
“Baby,” he breathed out, and I heard shuffling.
“Liam!” she cried. “No!”
I charged in, but I immediately stopped.
Liam was hunched over, holding the side of his face, and Juliet looked down on him, spitting fire with her eyes. She’d hit him.
“Let’s pretend,” she growled at him, “that we’re in a parallel dimension where you have a brain. Nod if you know what’s going to happen to you if you ever touch me again.”
He scowled up at her, looking utterly humiliated, and then both of their eyes turned to me. Juliet blinked but looked back down at him, putting her hands on her hips, while Liam straightened and rubbed his cheek.
“Why am I even surprised?” he said, sneering, walking for the door. “You let me in your pants so quickly, I guess you didn’t make him wait long, either.”
I reached out and grabbed his collar, wanting his sleazy ass far away from her. I didn’t even want him in her memories.
“Jax!” Juliet commanded, and I held him up to my face.
I looked into Liam’s angry but scared blue eyes, and I whispered, “You touch her again, and you won’t have to worry about what she’ll do to you.” And I shoved him out the door, watching him stumble into the hallway.
“Why are you here?” Juliet demanded behind me. “You’re no better than him. You can get out, too.”
I shook my head, knowing she was right, but I was still cemented to the floor. “No,” I replied.
“Jax, what the hell do you want from me?” she yelled.
I turned around and rushed her. “This.” And I pulled her warm body against mine and sank my lips into hers, tasting her sweet tongue.
She pushed her fists into my chest and pulled away from my mouth. “Get off me,” she ordered. “Why don’t you go find that girl you liked so much? She lets you do anything, doesn’t she?”
Her angry lips and hot breath called me in, and I grabbed the back of her neck, holding her to me.
Falling Away Page 33