Nadine’s eyes filled with tears. “I can’t talk to you when you’re like this Max. I want to help you, but I don’t know how. I told Eric that I think it’s best that we move out and live with Rachel and I’m convinced that is the right decision the more I talk to you. I don’t want you to feel that we’re holding you back from what you want to do.”
Nadine stared at her a moment and Max didn’t reply, her expression sullen.
“We’re going over to see Matthew.” Nadine said.
Max remained silent and lay on her back turning away from Nadine. Nadine stared at her a moment and then left the room.
She looked at Eric. She just wanted to leave. She couldn’t deal with Max when she was like this.
“Let’s get the babies ready and lets go,” she said.
Eric had already prepared the diaper bags and the babies were dressed. He checked their diapers and then got their coats from the bedroom.
He glanced over at Nadine who was still dabbing her eyes.
“Let’s go,” he said, picking up Derika.
Nadine nodded and followed him out of the house.
Max lay on her bed staring at the ceiling.
She hadn’t told anyone not even Dr. Nelson about all of the recent nightmares and setbacks that she had been experiencing. She felt useless. She didn’t know what to do. She knew that she was alienating everyone. She’d put Matthew’s life in danger by pushing for the marriage license. Tears ran from her eyes. Things seemed hopeless. Why couldn’t she get past this?
She sniffed and turned on her side. The nightmares were all about Rogers. Dealing with him, seeing him again coupled with Matthew’s shooting had sent her spiraling downward. She needed to get herself together.
She closed her eyes and thought about how it felt to be in Matthew’s arms. It had felt so right, so good. She tried to concentrate on that feeling for a moment.
Dr. Nelson warned her that she may have setbacks and Max suspected that the good doctor knew that she wasn’t as ‘fine’ as she pretended to be. Could she marry Matthew? She thought about what she’d done to him. At least she could say that she had a little more sexual experience. She groaned and sat up on the bed.
Max knew that the only way that she would ever get better was to face her demons. Dr. Nelson had said so over and over again. She knew that if she wanted to marry Matthew, she couldn’t be a coward. She had to deal with this.
She picked up the phone and called Dr. Nelson asking for an emergency appointment and was able to get one that very day. She sighed in relief and hung up the phone feeling better. She then made up her mind that she would not marry Matthew if she couldn’t bring herself to have sex. She knew that it wasn’t fair to him and she didn’t want to be selfish. She would talk to him about what was happening to her. Rogers was dead and she wasn’t about to let him win this fight. Yes, she had a few setbacks, but that was to be expected because of all she’d gone through. She was a grown woman and Matthew made her feel things, things that she’d never felt before and she wasn’t about to let Rogers or anyone else take that from her!
Steeling herself, she got up to take a shower and move forward.
“Maxine, you know that none of this is your fault, right?” Dr. Nelson asked as Max sat across from her.
“Yeah, but that doesn’t make it any easier,” she responded.
“You did everything you could then, and you’ve done everything you could now. I’m glad that you’ve told me finally about having more episodes. That’s to be expected considering everything that has happened.”
“I know.”
“I’m not against your marriage, Maxine. It’s just your timing. You need to think about this,” Dr. Nelson said. “How do you feel about all this?”
“Well, a part of me feels that I’ve won because I outsmarted Rogers, that I deserve some happiness and that I should marry Matthew. Yet a part of me feels that I’m rushing things, trying to compensate for my losses.”
“Both of those parts of you are really part of the whole. We’ve talked about this before. What you feel is real; what you think you should feel is part of someone else’s script.”
“Well, I’m glad he’s dead and that this nightmare is finally over for good. On the other hand, my mind hasn’t caught up to the facts just yet.”
“These things take time. You can’t rush them.” Dr. Nelson replied.
“I can’t help but to wonder about Matthew and how he feels about what has happened.”
“You two haven’t talked about this?”
“Not really.”
“You should talk about it. Are you wondering what he should be feeling or did he say anything while the ordeal was happening that indicated to you that he was having issues with you. Not issues with what happened to you both, but issues with you?”
“No. I know that Matthew was angry because of what Rogers made me do to him, but I was just glad it was him and not Rogers.”
“Who was he angry with?” Dr. Nelson asked. “There is no doubt in my mind that Matthew is going to see you differently, but if everything you’ve said about him is accurate, he will see you as a stronger woman and not a victim.”
“He was angry at Rogers for making me have oral sex with him.” Maxine said, trying to hold back tears. “He made me do it to Matthew.”
“This appears to be a major concern with you, Maxine. Please tell me what you’re feeling.”
“I mean, I didn’t know what I was doing. I know that Matthew wasn’t responding like a man should while I was doing it. He didn’t become aroused and I wonder if he’s turned off by me. Now that we’ve had a sexual experience, yes I know it was under duress, but still I wonder if he’ll respond to me now.”
“Maxine, you’re creating scenarios where there are none. You both were forced to do things that you didn’t want to do at the time. It has nothing to do with his feelings for you as a woman. There are no buts here, Maxine.”
“I don’t know how he feels about what happened to us. I knew that he was mad and humiliated when it happened. I saved us, and I know that will affect our relationship.”
“Maybe it will make you two stronger.” Dr. Nelson pointed out. “Right now you sound as if you feel that Matthew will see you as a lesser woman because you couldn’t arouse him while this was going on, am I correct?”
“I guess.”
“Think about this, Maxine. Do you think of him as less of a man because he couldn’t become aroused? Do you think that something’s wrong with him?”
Max paused a moment not having thought of it in that way.
“No, there’s nothing wrong with him, Dr. Nelson.”
“Then there’s nothing wrong with you either,” she replied. “Talk to him. Stop drawing assumptions on things that are only in your mind. Yes it was a bad experience for you, but that experience has nothing to do with the relationship you have with Matthew, understand? Just because the two of you did not enjoy it during your ordeal doesn’t mean that you won’t enjoy each other in the privacy of our own home.”
“Yes, Dr. Nelson,” Max replied.
“You need to talk to Matthew about your feelings and allow him to share his. Talk to him about your episodes and face them as we have discussed. You’re doing great, Maxine. You are facing your fears. You survived your attack. You’re a stronger woman. Don’t throw in the towel just yet.”
Max stood up with a smile. She felt as if a burden had been lifted. “Thanks Dr. Nelson,”
“You’re welcome.”
CHAPTER 28
But if you do not forgive, neither will your father in heaven forgive your trespasses. Mark 11:26
Max spent the rest of the day thinking about what Dr. Nelson had said to her. She realized that she had been agonizing over things that hadn’t even happened yet, just as the doctor had said.
She sat there waiting for Nadine to come home. She knew that she needed to apologize to her sister and make things right.
As she sat there, she heard the key
in the door and was pleased to see Nadine come in alone.
“Hey,” she said, looking up from the magazine she was reading. “Where’s the girls?”
“Eric took them over to his Mom’s. She called him and told him that she and her sister had been out shopping.” Nadine rolled her eyes. “I swear that woman buys more clothes for those girls than they will ever wear and she spoils them rotten to boot.”
Max snickered putting down the magazine. “Yeah I know.”
They looked at each other a moment and Max took a deep breath.
“Look, I’m sorry Deeny. I was way out of line.” She stood up and hugged her sister.
“Max, I really don’t want to hold you back from your happiness. We can call Jeremiah-”
“No. That’s silly. We will stay here for the duration of the lease, Nadine,” she insisted. “I don’t know if I’m getting married in July. I have some things I need to work out.”
“OK,” Nadine replied. “It just seems to me that you’ve changed since this last incident,”
Nadine told her that she had changed, and Max had to admit that she had. Seeing Rogers had bought back all her memories of his abuse and her feelings of insecurity and shame. She realized that she had not only been naked before Matthew physically, but also mentally. There was now a hunger inside of her to be loved by a man, yet there was still also fear. Living with Nadine and Eric increased that hunger for what they had. She saw them, how they interacted, how he touched her sister when he thought no one was looking and how Nadine responded. It made her jealous and fascinated her at the same time and she bravely told her sister how she felt.
Nadine was now sitting beside her on the sofa holding her hand.
“You are right. I can’t imagine going through what you’ve gone through, Max” Nadine sniffed. “But I love you and I know that you’re going to be all right. Eric told me that you had an episode because of his hair, but you tried to hide it from him. Tell us what we can do to help you.”
“He helped me. I had to face it and I did. “Max explained. “I had gotten better and yes, I’ve had a setback, but I know that it’s going to be all right.”
“Just one day at a time, right?” Nadine asked, smiling at her through tears.
“Yeah. One day at a time.”
Max walked into the gym at the start of her shift. She was glad that she and Nadine had talked and she felt a lot better. She had tried to call Matthew, but couldn’t reach him. It had been a few days since they had talked and when they did talk, it was always brief.
She didn’t want to go to his parents’ house with Rachel feeling the way that she did, so she avoided his mother. She did miss him, however and wanted to see him badly.
She tried to push him from her mind as she worked. She kept herself busy with paperwork and with a seniors exercise class she was teaching. She was closing that night and the crowd was light. It was raining outside and she figured that the weather was keeping people away. She walked around the gym checking the equipment and talking to the patrons. She then went back to her office.
When it near closing time, she went back onto the floor.
She looked around the gym and saw that it was almost deserted. They would be closing in thirty minutes and she went back to her office to straighten up. Easter was a week away and she hadn’t made any plans for the holiday. Nadine had already told her that she and Eric were having dinner with his parents. She figured that she’d have dinner with her mother and father since Nadine wasn’t coming.
Penny called out to her from the other side of the gym.
“Max, I’m locking the front door in twenty five minutes. There are a couple of members still here and I reminded them that we will be closing soon. You will have to let them out.” She said, slipping on her jacket. “I’m about to leave if that’s OK.”
“Sure,” Max said, nodding. “I got this.”
Max decided that she would stop at Subway and get her a sub for dinner. She hadn’t eaten all day.
She placed some paperwork in her bag and then looked at her watch and saw that it was 9:30. She exited her office and looked around. No one was on the floor. She checked the front door and found it locked just as Penny had said. She then remembered that Penny told her that several members were still in the locker room. She walked to the men’s locker room and opened the door a bit.
“Gym’s closing. Come on out so that you won’t have to spend the night here,” she quipped letting the door go.
She walked around and picked up several water bottles that people had left lying around as she waited to see who would exit the locker room.
An older gentleman came out grinning carrying a duffle bag.
“Sorry, I just had to take a shower. I’m on my way to my part time job,” he said, waving at her.
“No problem,” Max said, walking him to the door with the keys in her hand. “Was there anyone else in there?”
“Yeah, he should be coming out in a minute,” the man replied. “He was almost dressed when I came out.”
Max let him out and locked the door and headed back to the men’s locker room.
She waited another minute and when no one came out she cracked the door again. “Last call, come on out!”
She let the door go and waited. A moment later she saw the door opening and was shocked to see Matthew standing there.
“What are you doing here?” she gasped.
“I am a member of this gym,” he said dryly, looking at her. “I haven’t seen you in weeks, Max.”
Max looked away. “I’m sorry Matthew,”
He grabbed her by the waist and spun her around. “What’s wrong? You don’t love me anymore?” he asked with a grin.
Her heart skipped a beat. He looked good and she missed him. She opened her mouth and no words came out.
“Well?” He cocked his head to the side watching her.
She didn’t know what else to do but to kiss him. Once her lips touched his, a flood of emotion took over and she could not get enough of him.
He pulled her closer to him returning her kisses.
“I gather that you did miss me then,” he responded breaking the kiss.
“I missed you” she said finally, breathing hard.
“You could have fooled me.” He responded dryly. “You didn’t even come back to Mom’s after dropping me off from the hospital.”
“I was ashamed,” she admitted. “I’m sorry Matthew-”
“Don’t worry about it. I understand. I really do.” He pulled away from her. “I thought perhaps you had changed your mind.”
Her eyes grew big. “No! I thought you had. I know your mother said that she was going to convince you not to marry me. I know everyone thinks I’m some sort of a basket case, and I guess I am in a way.”
She walked back to her office and he followed her.
“That’s not the case. Everyone’s worried about you.”
“Nadine and I had a long conversation today,” she said. “We’re good.”
He watched as she reached for her coat.
“Let me,” he said, taking it from her. “Well, I’m glad to hear that.”
“Matt, how are you? Are you healed?” she asked looking at him.
“Pretty much,” he said. “I’m back at home now. That’s one of the reasons I called you. I figured you would come by the house and see me after I left Mom’s but you wouldn’t pick up the phone. I want you to follow me home. We need to sort out a few things.”
Max nodded and picked up her bag and then turned out the lights.
Matthew watched as she put the alarm on the building and walked her to her car. He got in his and led the way to his condo.
Max tried to gather her thoughts as she followed Matthew home. She knew that they needed to talk and Dr. Nelson’s earlier conversation with her ran through her mind.
She parked behind him in his driveway and got out of the car. Matthew looked thinner, she could tell. His blond hair was longer than normal, but his brown
eyes were warm as well as his smile.
Matthew led Max into the living room and shut the door. She sat on the edge of the couch and he could see that she was nervous.
“Would you like something to eat or drink?” he asked walking into the kitchen.
Her stomach growled. “I haven’t eaten since breakfast,” she confessed.
He came out with some cold chicken and potato salad. “Here. My Mom fixed enough food for me to take home to feed an army.”
He handed her the plate and a bottle of water.
He watched as she devoured the food.
“Aren’t you eating?” She looked at him as he sat across from her.
“I’ve eaten already,” he replied watching her.
“Max, we need to talk about this marriage,” he said.
Fear consumed her and she looked down at the plate. Was he going to tell her that he no longer wanted to marry her because of the courthouse incident? She braced herself.
Matthew saw her tense up. She would not look at him. He took her hand in his.
“Max, do you really want to marry me?” he asked quietly.
She looked at him surprised. “Of course I do Matthew.”
“Do you feel that you are ready to get married right away, or should we wait for a while?”
Max wondered why he was asking her this. She looked at him and he was watching her closely, his large brown eyes filled with concern.
“We can wait a while if you want.” She responded looking back down at her plate.
Matthew sat down beside her and let out a long sigh.
“Are you ready for such a commitment? I just don’t want us to get into something as important as this and not be ready. Also, I’m going to be running for the Horry County seat in November and I need to know where we stand before things escalate.” He rubbed her hand as he held it. “You’re going to be in the public eye Max. Can you handle that?”
Max looked at him. She knew that he needed a strong woman by his side and she questioned herself wondering if she was that woman. Then again, she thought about what she’d endured with Rogers and knew that she was a strong woman. She smiled at him suddenly filled with confidence.
Broken: The sequel to THE PREACHER'S SON Page 35