I couldn’t take my eyes from him. I stood, my stocking feet hitting the stone of the floor. I grabbed one of my heavy fur blankets and ran across the space, prancing lightly from level to level until I stood before him. I had checked on him before I went to bed, but after the terror of my nightmare, I ached for him.
I hadn’t realized how much I had come to rely on him, how much I needed him, especially in times like these. I hadn’t realized how much he had come to mean to me.
And it scared me.
I climbed onto the bunk, worming my way behind him. Making sure not to step on his feet, I curled myself into a ball, the blanket around me, as I leaned my back against the wall. I stared at his calm face, the blue tint still prevalent, folding my arms over my knees in frustration.
He was calm, resting. In some way I was glad that he was free from everything that faced me. But in another way, the terrible selfish way, I wished he would wake up and hold me.
“So, Cail is using you against me now,” I whispered to him, even though he couldn’t hear me. “I can’t say I’m surprised. It was going to happen eventually right?” I tried to laugh but the sound came out strained.
“Ryland told me some stupid riddle about love and seeking power or light. He said it was about you.” I lay my head against the stone wall, not daring enough to look away from Ilyan.
I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t even know why I was talking to him. This stupid game that Cail was playing with my heart had me in knots. I knew it wasn’t true, it couldn’t be. Cail spoke about love like I was being fought over and spoke of death like it was joyous; it made my insides squirm. I didn’t like that Cail had dragged Ilyan into this whole mess or that he too had become a weapon to be used against me. I knew I was being manipulated, but what bothered me the most was that what he had said had somehow crawled under my skin. I shook my head and swallowed, trying to find some stability.
“I wish I was stronger, Ilyan. I wish I could face the nightmares alone, but I can’t. I think I can, but I still wake up screaming anyway.”
I pulled the blanket over my head, fighting the tears, pushing the weakness away from me. I couldn’t just wish to be stronger. I needed to be stronger. The problem was, I didn’t know how to do that. I had gained some strength – I was a million times more capable than I was a few months before – but I needed to be able to face everything and not be scared.
I looked back to Ilyan. Ilyan was brave. He was confident. He was capable. But right now I couldn’t help but see how defenseless he was, how weak – and even human – he appeared. I closed my eyes at the confusion. The odd pulls and jerks that drew me toward Ilyan were making me uncomfortable.
I brushed away the emotion. Ilyan wasn’t weak; he wasn’t defenseless. I didn’t need to protect him, no matter how strongly I felt that I did right then. Ilyan was the strongest person I had ever met.
I did need him. More than I ever thought I would, but I didn’t need him to do everything for me. I was strong too, and Ilyan had made me that way. He hadn’t told me I couldn’t. He had shown me how I could. He made me stronger because he believed in me.
I moved, letting my hand move to his cheek, his weak magic swirling beneath the surface of his skin as it did inside of me.
“I saw my Dad. He looked exactly the same. It was weird.” I leaned my head against my knees, the pain from the nightmare still heavy inside of me. I left my hand against his skin for a moment longer before bringing it back inside the warmth of the fur blanket.
“You know, when he left I shut everything inside. And then Wyn asked me not to do that anymore. She asked me why I was throwing everything away...” I exhaled and looked away from him, my eyes scanning the large cave but seeing nothing.
“It was then I decided not to. I’d always let Ryland in, but after that I really let him in. I gave him my heart. I gave him my magic – even though I didn’t know it at the time.” I dragged my eyes back to Ilyan’s pale face, my finger moving to touch the dim blue of his eyelid without my even knowing.
“I let Wyn in, and I actually started to feel like I had a friend. I mean, even though she didn’t understand me all the way, even though she didn’t really know me, I felt like she could. Like she wanted to. Like I mattered to her.” Everything had come out in a rush. I stopped abruptly, my voice catching on my last words. I sank back into the wall, my head hitting hard against the stone.
“And, I let you in, Ilyan. First as a teacher, someone I could trust. And then, over the last three months, you became more than that. You have become my friend. Someone that... I mean, I could...” I stopped as my heart thudded, my eyes burning. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to say. I didn’t know how to word it properly because everything was jumbled inside of me. Cail’s manipulative taunts still fresh in my mind.
“I hope you can’t hear me, or else you’re going to think I sound like a lunatic.” I inhaled again, my nose sniffing loudly.
“I loved Ryland and they took him. I mean, I might be able to get him back, but what if I’m not strong enough? What if I can’t get there in time?” I buried my head in my hands, cursing the tears that had finally broken through.
“I trusted Wyn, and they got to her too. They took her too.” I wiped at the weak tears that rolled down my cheeks with the back of my hand, wishing I had been strong enough to keep them away in the first place.
“And I...” I stopped, searching for the right words but not finding them. “Ilyan, Thom says you’re going to get better.” I pressed my hand to my shoulder from within the warmth of my blanket, wishing his magic was stronger. “And I want to believe them. But there is so much that I don’t understand, so much that I don’t get. I am scared that everyone I care for is being taken from me.”
I looked away from him again, my eyes moving somewhere, anywhere. I tried to wade through the tangle of emotions inside of me.
“It’s my turn to protect you now, Ilyan. It’s my turn to be strong for you. I need you to wake up, Ilyan. I need you to come back. I... I need you.” I stopped, trying not to give life to my nightmares, to Cail’s taunts.
“I... I don’t know how else to say it...” I think I did know how to say it. I wanted to say I loved him. But it wasn’t the same love as I had for Ryland. It was the love of a friend, of a companion, and saying it would make my nightmares real. I couldn’t let that happen.
“Don’t die, okay?” I said as I moved to lie beside him, squeezing my body against his unresponsive one. I pulled the fur over me and snuggled into his neck. I knew I shouldn’t be here. I knew I should be able to be stronger. But right now I wasn’t, and right now I could accept that.
“Goodnight, Ilyan,”
Twenty
“Wake up, Silnỳ, you are in the way.”
My eyes fluttered open at Thom’s gruff voice. I knew at once why he had spoken. I still lay in Ilyan’s bunk, my arm draped over his torso. Two nights ago I woke up uncomfortable with Ilyan’s proximity, now I was doing the same to him. Great.
I sat up, my head buzzing a bit at the movement. Thom wasn’t even looking at me. He was already moving blankets, his hands pressed against Ilyan’s skin as he checked on him. I pressed my hand against my shoulder, saddened to find the same weak magic flowing through me.
“He’s still the same?” I asked, as I moved to the foot of the bed. Cramming my body into the corner of the bunk, I tried to keep myself covered with the heavy fur. Thom shook his head and kept working.
My body had that heavy, dizzy feeling it always had when I had stayed away from Ryland too long. I was surprised it wasn’t worse given that yesterday’s visit was definitely not long enough to fully rejuvenate me. I leaned my head against the cold stone, letting the cool temperature take away some of the dizziness. I had forgotten how fast and strong these sensations came on. I knew it had been more than a day, I knew I needed to go see him, but I didn’t want to. I traced the tip of my finger along the silver chain and sunk into the stone work.
Hav
ing to endure the aftermath of the nightmare on my own had weakened me both emotionally and physically. With Cail gloating over his control of my subconscious, I was afraid of what I would find if I went into the Tȍuha. What once had been an amazing place for me and Ryland to share was just another potential torture chamber now.
I might be able to go in and come out in a matter of minutes, but I knew it wouldn’t be enough. Or worse, what if something happened while I was in there? Ilyan wouldn’t be here to pick up the pieces. I could already tell Thom wasn’t the type to be willing to do that.
“Are you okay?” I looked up from my daydreams to see Thom staring me down. Ilyan was covered again, and Thom had obviously finished.
“Yeah, I’m tired that’s all.” Thom narrowed his eyes at me for a moment.
“Here,” he said, pulling over one of the large ceramic mugs from last night. “Dramin left this for you.”
I took the mug from Thom and smelled the Black Water. It almost smelled appealing to me now.
“Thank you,” I said before drinking, draining the mug in one large gulp. The Black Water moved into me and I began to feel better. I still felt the body aches from my separation with Ryland, but they weren’t as sharp and my head didn’t feel as fuzzy. I sighed and leaned against the rock wall.
“Where is Dramin?” I asked, wishing I already had more of the Black Water.
“Shopping,” Thom said, although I could tell it was more than that. He leaned forward a bit and looked into the mug, his eyebrows rising to see the contents gone. “Does that stuff taste good?”
“Yes,” I said, placing the mug on the shelf above Ilyan’s feet. “It smells a bit funny at first, but the taste is nice.”
“Well, I am glad it didn’t kill you,” Thom said gruffly before leaning against the side of Ilyan’s bunk. He narrowed his eyes at me and I jumped a bit. I knew that look; I had grown up with that look. It was the look every kid had given me when they were trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
“What?” I asked, feeling uncomfortable.
“You are very interesting,” he said. I waited a moment for him to elaborate, but he never did.
“I’m aware,” I said before turning away.
“Nothing like your Father. There is a lot of bitterness in your heart.”
“Well that’s what happens when said Father abandons you, I suppose.”
“Not all fathers abandon their children on purpose. Your Father didn’t abandon you,” Thom spat. I jumped a bit at his bitterness.
“Well he certainly wasn’t there.” My hackles were up, his tone setting me on the defensive.
“Sain only left you to do what was best for you.”
“Oh, how would you know? You’re not a dad.”
“Not anymore.” Thom whispered.
He didn’t need to say any more. I could see the pain in his eyes. I hurt for him.
I kept my glance off to the side, not wanting to make eye contact. I stared into the nothingness of the cavern, contemplating where to go, or what to do. But ultimately, I didn’t want to be anywhere else. I didn’t want to leave Ilyan’s side.
“Did you know I lived with my Father for two hundred years before I left?” I heard his feet shuffle, but I still didn’t look at him.
“No.”
“Yes, I had seen many of my siblings go off and fight against Ilyan, leave to fight against my Father, go back and forth until they would find their death. But I stayed on my Father’s side. I trusted him beyond anything. I didn’t see a reason not to. I knew he was right. He was my Father.”
I looked toward Thom, surprised to hear him say so much.
“Your Father showed me how wrong I was. That’s why I helped him escape. I would have never pegged Ilyan for a good guy until the day I met him. I watched him heal Sain without question, and he held me like a brother…”
He stopped for a moment, his eyes lingering on Ilyan. I followed his gaze, almost hoping Ilyan would be sitting there listening.
“I’m glad to return the favor,” Thom said, more to Ilyan then to me, before placing his palm against Ilyan’s forehead.
“He’s going to be alright then?”
“You can check for yourself, Silnỳ.” He waved his hand over Ilyan’s body as if in invitation, but I shook my head no.
“I don’t know how.” Thom’s face was pure shock for a moment before turning into an awkward looking smile. “We mostly focused on defensive magic.” I answered his unasked question, but Thom didn’t seem to notice.
“Place your hand on his cheek then,” Thom said as he gestured over Ilyan’s body.
“Excuse me?” I didn’t know what Thom was getting at, but I didn’t want to learn healing magic on Ilyan. I shook my head, hoping to get my point across.
“Most powerful, my ass.” Thom grumbled as he roughly pulled my hand out of the warm fur I had curled myself into. He stretched my hand away from me to rest on Ilyan’s cheek. I was forced to shuffle forward to keep from falling on top of Ilyan.
“You do know something about human anatomy, correct?”
“Yes,” I raised an eyebrow at him, worried about where this was going.
“Good. Now, push your magic into him.” This I had done before, so I obeyed, looking to Thom, for instruction about what to do next.
“Think of his body as a body.”
I stared at him.
“You know,” he continued, irritated, “with a heart, and lungs, and bones, and muscles. Now, use your magic to find his heart.”
I looked at Thom for a minute, waiting for him to elaborate, but not expecting him too. When it became obvious that he wasn’t going to help me anymore I pushed my magic through Ilyan, trying to focus on where it was in relationship to his body. I felt my magic flow through him slowly, nothing really defined. Discouraged, I pulled my magic away. I could make giant gashes in rock walls now, but healing was probably not going to happen. I began to shake my head and move away, but Thom’s hands moved over mine, keeping them in place.
“You have to actually try, Silnỳ.” His voice was stern. I looked away from him, closing my eyes in an attempt to focus.
Okay, so in Thom’s world I wasn’t trying. I cinched my eyes together more and tried harder. I pushed more magic into Ilyan and let it flow right to the spot where I hoped his heart would be. It took me a minute, but before long, I could feel it. My eyes snapped open, Thom’s eyes shining at my obvious success even though he did not smile in encouragement.
“Now, close your eyes,” he instructed, “and use the interior eye of your magic to see his heart.”
My lip curled in disgust, this was pushing an envelope. Why would I want to see a beating heart inside someone’s body? My stomach turned at the thought.
“Gross.”
“You will not actually see his heart, Silnỳ. Have you ever seen the Matrix?” Of course I had seen the Matrix, but the fact that he had seen the Matrix was a little odd.
“I’m going to see computer code?”
“No,” Thom said, his patience wavering. “It’s different for everyone, but it won’t be a real picture.”
I looked at him for a moment longer before closing my eyes to focus. Slowly, the red mass of what I could only assume to be Ilyan’s heart came into view. It looked smooth and abstract, like a water color painting.
“Now, find the problem.” Thom’s gruff voice broke through the silence.
“What will that look like?”
“It’s different for everyone.”
Great. Why was he so little help? I searched with my mind’s sight before seeing a dark spot near the base. It wasn’t as smooth as the rest of Ilyan’s heart and looked like a burn. I opened my eyes, surprised when the image of Ilyan’s heart stayed before my eyes for a moment longer.
“What’s the black part?” I asked, surprised when Thom’s eyebrow raised.
“That’s the whole of our problem. When you arrived his whole heart was covered, the exhaustion from your journey had bur
ned him from the inside. I have taken away most of it. Once the last of it is gone, he should awaken within a few days.” Thom moved a bit closer, his hand resting on Ilyan’s forehead again.
“What can I do to help?” I felt more of my magic flow into Ilyan of its own accord.
“You can do nothing. In fact, it would probably be best if you didn’t let so much of your magic mingle with his.” Thom said harshly and I withdrew quickly, moving my hand away from Ilyan’s cheek.
“Why?”
“Well first, because of what you are, and second, because of who you are.”
I sat up straight at Thom’s words, my head almost hitting the shelf inside of Ilyan’s bunk. I wasn’t sure if I should be offended or hurt at Thom’s words, but my pride bristled a bit.
“What do you mean what I am?” I spat, the term made it sound like I was poison.
“You are one of the Drak, Silnỳ. The Drak do not normally heal those with different magic.” I glowered at him for a minute, hating the limit that my supposed new species was placing on me.
“But, I am also one of The Chosen.”
“Yes.”
“So I should be able to heal others as well,” I countered softly.
Thom looked away from me for a minute before coming to a decision. He placed the palm of his hand against the stone wall and pulled down, pressing hard against the surface. He brought his palm back to me, revealing a few shallow scrapes, one of them bleeding.
“Then heal me, and let us see if it works or not.”
Reluctantly, I placed my hand underneath Thom’s. I didn’t like physical contact with other people, especially with people I barely knew, but Thom seemed to be the same way, so I tried to swallow my pride.
I pushed my magic into him, surprised at how quickly it flowed. I closed my eyes and searched through his hand for the cuts, smiling when I found the dark black amongst the pink watercolor strokes of his skin.
“Now what do I do?” I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to lose the shapes and colors of his injury.
Eyes of Ember (Imdalind Series #2) Page 20