“You will love her,” Sain said with the deep deadpan voice of a sight. I looked up to him, unsurprised to see him standing, his eyes covered with blackness and lit only by the glowing embers the Black Water gave him.
“But you cannot have her.” The Drak spoke as one, each of their eyes also covered. They stared out, unseeing, the glossy blackness calling to me.
“You will protect her,” Sain said.
“But you will fail,” the Drak continued, their voices coming in quick succession.
“The one bred to change the world of magic,” Sain lifted his hands as if he was seeing something, but the hall stayed still.
“The one bred to die.” I froze at the words of the Drak.
“What?” I said aloud to the empty space, even though I knew no one could hear me.
“She is the only one who will come to this world,” they continued together, “the only one your heart can hold.”
“The only one?” Ilyan asked, my insides tightening to hear how defeated he sounded.
“She is here,” Sain announced, his voice deep and reverent.
“Do you feel her?” They all spoke together again, the addition of Sain’s voice doubling their intensity. “Do you see her?”
“I do.” Ilyan’s voice was right in my ear. His arms came around from behind me and pulled me into his newly scarred chest.
Twenty-Five
I froze at the contact so foreign and yet so welcome. My heart thumped in my chest at what I had heard. It screamed for Ryland. It screamed for me to run away from Ilyan. But even here, he comforted me.
Somehow I had crossed over from being inside of a memory to being a part of it.
Ilyan’s arms tightened as he pressed his cheek softly against mine. I did not lean into his touch, but neither did I shy away. I stayed still, trying to make sense of everything that had happened, everything I had heard.
“Do not be afraid, mi lasko.” I relaxed at Ilyan’s voice, so soft and familiar in my ear. “I know you have seen everything, and I know you are scared. But do not be. I can feel you inside of me; I can feel your soul inside of mine. Know that I am here to protect you, to save you, and to love you. Even if you will never love me, I will still be here, right by your side.”
He turned me in his arms, his hands pulling me gently around, his arms still holding me against him. I looked up to him, he was so different, and yet so much the same.
“You’re beautiful.” He sighed the words like a prayer, his fingers coming up to trace the lines of my face.
He leaned down and my heart froze, but instead of kissing me, he pressed his lips against the kiss on my neck, his lips soft and gentle.
The touch of his lips against my mark sent a jolt through my whole body. I had only felt that electric response to Ryland before; it was the jolt that preceded bonding. He sighed as he felt it too, his heart rejoicing at feeling something he had been longing for.
My breathing accelerated into a panic. What did this mean?
“I love you.” He said softly, his words true and honest. I could tell he meant what he said. But I didn’t shy away from it, not as much as I should have, and it scared me.
“No!” I yelled out in a panic. My voice echoed around the great stone chamber as I pushed my hands against Ilyan’s chest, pushing myself out of the memory and into my usual chair in the cave.
It was obvious that a whole day had passed; the light from the skylights in the ceiling was coming from an angle that suggested it was already night. Thom’s partially eaten lunch still lay on his couch, but neither Thom nor Dramin were anywhere to be seen. Even though I had done nothing but sit all day, I could feel the exhaustion of a full day seeping into my body, begging me to sleep.
I exhaled deeply, my chest shaking a bit before I reluctantly looked toward where Ilyan lay. I was glad Thom and Dramin had left me to myself for the moment. Although I was worried about where they had gone to, and even about being alone, I knew I needed the time. Dramin must have known too. After all, he knew from the beginning all that was said, all that was seen.
Ilyan had known too.
Ilyan had known for eight hundred years about me, he had known my face, known some semblance of a future. And yet, he said nothing. Even when I struggled and pined for Ryland, even as he trained me. He said nothing of the future he longed to have, the future he dreamed of with me. He never tried to talk me out of it. He never tried to place himself in a better position. He had let me do what I had longed for.
Suddenly, the look that Ilyan had the very first day I saw him – standing against the wall in English class – made sense, his intense gaze, his look of frightening awe. After eight hundred years of waiting, I was sitting right before him. I cannot imagine the heartbreak he must have felt, or how the knowledge that he could never have me must have eaten him up inside.
I stood to face where he lay, still and calm on the bunk, his long hair falling gently over the side. I couldn’t decide if I was angry with him, agreed with him, or accepted what he had done. Everything lay numbly inside of me, as I stood staring at him.
My Protector.
He was born to protect me, born with magic strong enough to do so, and yet, too strong to give him companionship. And he bore it willingly, his actions showing his strength. Although he loved me, more than he could ever love any other, he held his tongue and let me follow my own path.
He was truly a better man than I would have guessed. How could he ever worry that I would hate him? I shook my head before walking toward him, my steps slow and controlled. Thom’s words of his imminent awakening sounded in my head. Now was not a time I needed him to wake. Now, I needed to think. I needed to figure out what was going on.
I was born to defeat Edmund, born to usher in a new age of magic. Ilyan was born to protect me and bring me to serve my true purpose, even if it ended with my death. An image of him from the pillar, his heartbreak as he held my dead body, entered my mind and I stopped a few steps away from him.
I clutched my hand to my chest as the pressure in it built. I knew the second heartbreak was coming and I knew why. I had fallen in love with Ilyan, but the love was wrong. It was a love and devotion in and of itself, but beyond that...
“I’m sorry, Ilyan,” I whispered to his sleeping body, my voice catching on my tears, “but I can’t give you what you want.”
I turned and ran before I had finished speaking. My feet stumbled as I tore across the large space in tears, only to lunge myself into my bunk. I covered myself with as many of the large furs as I could, hoping to dampen the sound I knew was coming before it escaped my lips.
I felt my chest tightening as I fought against it, but I knew it was no use. The tears had reached a peak, and my body curled inwards as I screamed within the shelter of my blankets. I writhed with the overwhelming pain of my emotions, with heartbreak and with loss.
The sight had said that everything that I touched would turn to ash, and this seemed to be no exception. I was in love with, and bonded to my best friend. A man who had been tortured by his Father for loving me, who may or may not remember me, whose very bond with me terrorized my waking and non-waking existence. Ryland meant the world to me, and yet he had begun to actively attempt to break our bond. Even thinking about his words, about his promise to sever the Zȇlství, sent more panic through me. I screamed again, desperate to get the emotions out of me.
Nothing about my bond with Ryland brought joy, and that in itself was painful for me. I longed for him, and yet, I was scared of him.
I screamed in an attempt to release my fear and my pain, shoving the blankets into my mouth as I did, hoping to muffle the sound.
The scream opened up a further chasm in my heart. It rent open the feelings I had been hiding, even from myself. The feelings I now knew Ilyan shared.
Everything around me was crumbling again, the weight on my shoulders too much to bear. Bred to die, born to fight, raised to be broken, and always the cause of pain for those I cared about most in th
e world.
I howled as it all came crashing down on me. I could no longer do it on my own.
“Ilyan!” I called his name as I had become accustomed to doing. I needed his strength, his song. I needed someone to tell me it was going to be okay. Feeling like this, he was the one my heart called to. I don’t know if it was because he was the only one that was left or because he was the only one I felt could truly help me. But he was my Protector, and right then, that was what I needed.
“Ilyan!” I wailed his name knowing he would not come. Knowing that even if he did, I could not give him what he truly wanted.
I wailed louder, his name mixing with my tears, my sobs becoming an uncontrollable monster inside my chest. It clenched, and clawed, and burrowed into me, increasing my howls and my pain.
Everything inside of me was breaking. It was not fair for me to feel so much pain. Not when so much was already placed upon me.
I writhed my body in a foolish hope of getting rid of the pain, but it did not help. I could find no comfort. The blankets of security I had placed around me had become a prison.
I had not even felt the covers lift until I felt long sinewy arms I knew all too well wrap around me, a strong chest coming to rest against my back.
I turned in his arms, my tears changing from those of despair to some of hope. Ilyan laid right next to me, his arms wrapped around me tightly, his magic flaring through me as he calmed me. I looked into his bright eyes, my heart beating much faster than it had ever done before.
He smiled slightly as he carefully moved my tangled hair out of my face. His eyes never left mine. They had that look I had seen during the sight, a burning love that incapacitated me.
My tears had slowed to nothing as I reached up, carefully placing my hand against his face. His skin was soft and smooth. I had never touched him this way before.
“You’re alright,” I gasped out, the words almost washed away with my tears.
“I’m alright,” he affirmed, his accent thicker than I had ever heard it. Ilyan pulled me to him, his lips pressing roughly against my forehead before he buried me into his chest. The scarred chest.
“I will never leave you, Silnỳ.” His voice caught and I could tell he was crying too.
We stayed like that, my tears falling over his chest, his in my hair, our joy at seeing one another again settling in.
Slowly I began to come back to myself, the rough scars on his chest coming into my line of sight.
I reached up to trace the lines with my fingertips, my heart unsure about such close and intimate contact. The white scars zigzagged over his chest, no longer as angry as the red they had originally been.
“I am sorry, Ilyan, that the water hurt you.” I continued to trace the raised scars, the skin rough under my fingertips. He stiffened at my words.
“So they showed you then?” His voice was taut and I could hear the fear behind it. I didn’t want him to be scared. I pushed my head against his chest, the wild thumping of his heart fluttering in my ear.
“Yes.”
His heart continued to pound as he hesitated, as he decided what to say to me.
“I am glad I have them, the scars. They have always been a reminder of what I may someday have.”
“I know.” My voice was soft.
“And... you are not mad at me?”
I hesitated. I wasn’t sure how to phrase this, how to say what needed to be said. I pulled away from him, my eyes meeting his as he searched mine for any signs of what was to come. I reached up, my fingers hesitant to touch his face, to trace his features, before withdrawing again, leaving him untouched.
“I’m not mad,” I said simply.
“But why not?” I could understand his confusion, but there was something very important that I needed him to understand.
“Because I love you too, Ilyan.” His face lit up at my words, but my heart only cinched tighter at what I was about to say. “But it doesn’t change anything. We can never be together.”
I thought for sure I would have shattered his heart. But instead, the radical light that seemed to be emanating off of him grew, his magic flaring within me until I could feel it push against my barrier. His smile grew and he pulled me back into him, his arms wrapping me tightly to him.
“I know, Joclyn. I know it doesn’t change anything. I know I can never have you. And I am alright with that, you are still a child after all. I expect nothing from you. But hearing you say it, even if it is only this once, that is enough for me. I can live the rest of my life knowing that you love me, even if nothing else will come of it.”
Ilyan sighed heavily and I felt his tears fall against my skin, my own not far behind. I could still vividly recall his heartbreak as he talked to my Father, his longing as he watched the images of us, the images that would never be. I wanted to soothe him, my soul longing to heal those pains.
“You are not alone, Ilyan,” I whispered. “Not anymore.”
“Thank you, Joclyn.” I buried my face into his chest, his warmth and his heartbeat surrounding me.
My heart swelled at the comfort he gave me. Thom was right, I needed someone to help me to hold the weight. And here, in Ilyan’s arms, I actually felt stronger – like I could accomplish anything. And even though nothing could ever happen between us, I knew the devotion we held for each other would be enough.
Until the day I died.
Ilyan did not move from my side all night. We lay in each other’s arms until we drifted off to sleep. Ilyan was there when I awoke from yet another of my nightmares, his song softly lulling me back to sleep. I woke the next morning with his arms around me, our legs intertwined comfortably.
I knew I should move away. I knew it was wrong for us to be lying like this, but I didn’t care.
I looked over Ilyan’s still sleeping body and smiled, he was so calm. I could feel his magic’s strong presence in my shoulder, the gentle lull of it as small tendrils weaved throughout my body. I knew that he was here for me no matter what. If the sight had not given me enough proof, what I was feeling now was more than enough
I sighed heavily and shifted a bit, cursing my sore joints that creaked and fought me. I hadn’t entered the Tȍuha yesterday because of the sight, so today would be a miserable day. Unless... I was stronger now I could face it.
I pulled the necklace out from underneath my torn shirt and let it rest in my hands. I knew whatever I found inside would not be pleasant, but even a quick trip would help my body and then I may not have to worry about it for a few days.
I grasped Ilyan’s hand tightly in my own and leaned into him again before I pushed my magic into the necklace, closing my eyes to enter the Tȍuha.
It was all the same – the same kitchen, the same mold, the same deathly silent space. My heart beat erratically as I stood alone in the middle of it, suddenly terrified about what was going to happen. I didn’t know if Ryland would do something to shove me out or if ‘the dark-eyed man’ that Ryland had told me about could find me here. Either way, I needed as much time as possible here.
I moved further into the kitchen before ducking down and sliding myself underneath the counter by the bar stools. My knees slipped on rotting food and a couple of small mice scurried away, but I barely took notice.
Had it come to this? Had the Tȍuha really become just vessels for energy? I was hiding underneath a counter, amongst garbage, terrified about what was going to happen in this place that joined me to my mate. Ryland’s voice echoed in my head, his promise to break the Zȇlství, his gentle words begging me to do the same.
And yet here I sat, hiding from him, just so I could keep the connection without wasting away. It seemed ridiculous, even to me. What was I doing? I felt my eyes burn with the threat of tears. My emotions were too close to the surface after last night.
“I thought I told you not to come!” Ryland yelled.
I could not see his face, only his foot as he attempted to kick me. I was sure the contact would send me back so I dodged it, scramb
ling through rotten food and broken glass, sending barstools side-long into the kitchen.
“Get out of here!” he yelled as he chased after me.
“Please leave me alone, Ryland. I will leave in a minute,” I begged as I continued to crawl away, my hands and knees covered with filth and dirt.
“No one wants you here anymore!” Ryland yelled again. I looked back to him as I reached the end of the counter, my stomach dropping to see his angry little body swinging a bar stool right toward my face.
It made contact and I howled out in pain, the impact sending me right out of the Tȍuha. I sat up automatically, my hand flying to my nose. Pain had never followed me like this before, not like it did with the nightmares. Even with the nightmares I was never truly injured. In the Tȍuha, however, it seemed that I could be.
I lifted my hand to my nose, hoping to add some pressure to my magic and help the injury to heal faster. I froze when my fingers touched the warm wetness of my own blood, which seeped from the gash in my face. I stared at the blood on my fingers, my breath coming faster than usual.
“Joclyn?” Ilyan asked softly. My panic had obviously woken him up. He placed his hand on my back, rubbing up and down my spine in a comforting way. “Are you okay?”
“I’m bleeding.” I spoke like it barely even mattered, my shock still seeping in.
Ilyan was up in a flash, one arm wrapped around me while the other held my hand before moving to inspect my face. His fingers pushed softly against the skin, his face filled with deep worry lines.
“What happened?” Ilyan asked.
“Ryland threw a chair at me.”
Ilyan froze, his hand still pressed against my face. I felt his other hand tighten against my hip, his magic swelling in frustration.
“In the Tȍuha?” The heavy restraint he placed on his words made me tense.
“He has become very aggressive in getting me out of them.” I said and looked away from him.
“But... to hurt you?” Ilyan’s fingers pressed against the bridge of my nose, his magic healing me quicker then I could heal myself.
Eyes of Ember (Imdalind Series #2) Page 25