Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1

by Amanda Egan

  Begged Ned to put nursery rhyme CD on just for a bit of variation - wouldn’t have thought ‘Ten Green Bottles’ would be so refreshing and I could sing along with such gusto.

  Anyway, we’re here and I’m off to have a lovely sleep - once ‘Octopus’s Garden’ stops going round on a loop inside my head.

  Sunday 6th July

  Woke to scorching sun. Hello? This is Scotland and all I’ve packed is winter gear. Can’t borrow from Lou as she’s about half the size of me (I’d put it down to hiking up hills but Lou’s idea of exercise is twisting the lid off a bottle of Scotch). Console myself with differing metabolism theory.

  Felt very sweaty eating my ‘Full-Scottish-Breakfast’ complete with black pudding, flat sausages and potato pancakes.

  Great! Now even the jeans I brought are too tight.

  Lou and I went off to a local car boot sale for a spot of retail therapy ‘Pauper-Style’, leaving our menfolk to whatever it is they get up to.

  The expedition was reminiscent of our college days when, both smokers then, nothing would delight us more than buying a full outfit that cost “less than a packet of fags!”

  Grabbed ourselves some fantastic bargains. The upside of having a best friend who shares the same guilty secret but not the same jean size is that way we never need to fight over who gets the Joseph top (me today) or the FCUK skirt (Lou).

  Got a bit frustrated with Lou after she’d called home for the third time in an hour, “Just to check on the boys.” Always forget about her paranoia until I’m actually with her. It’s one of her endearing little quirks, and I know it’s because she loves Finn so much, but I’m sure one of the dads would have intervened if aliens had tried to abduct him.

  Lou must have read my mind. “Well, you never know”, she said, “Finn could have fallen down the stairs or something. You know how clumsy he is.”

  And that’s Lou - every spot is meningitis, every headache a brain tumour and there’s a paedophile lurking around every corner.

  Must be all that nervous energy that keeps her so skinny.

  Went to the local park in the afternoon, where Finn was told not to run in case he fell over and not to go near any dogs because they might bite.

  Lou just about relaxed over a bottle or two of wine when the boys went to bed - although she did go up and down stairs six times to check that Finn was breathing and didn’t have a temperature.

  “Cot death isn’t just restricted to babies yeh know Lib.”

  Just as well we love our friends, warts and all.

  Monday 7th July

  I also forget how disorganised Lou is.

  A weekly food shop just never happens but regular visits to the Co-Op opposite do - sometimes right up until closing time at 10, even though Cam, Ned or I have been sent at different stages through the day/afternoon/evening to get emergency supplies.

  Last night she started to make the gravy - no stock. Trip to Co-Op #1

  Then she decided she wanted to make a garlic and red wine gravy. Trip #2

  Max & Finn were thirsty. Apple juice carton empty. Trip #3

  And finally … realised we had no crackers for the cheese later. Trip #4

  Eventually sat down to eat at about 10.30, but almost too tired to eat it.

  Tuesday 8th July

  Another forgotten trait - when Lou gets drunk, she always makes a play for Ned!

  Cam & I just take it in good humour because we know she doesn’t mean anything by it and Ned usually just looks a bit embarrassed.

  Last night was no exception. We’d finished off the last of the second bottle of Galliano and were all rather merry. It was clear that Lou was exceptionally so, because she hadn’t checked on Finn for about an hour.

  “And now I’m gonna perch ma wee botty on this gorgeous man’s lap”, she slurred as she made her way towards Ned. “Och, we’ve missed our Neddie, haven’t we Cam?”

  “Aye, Hen”, Cam looked at me and giggled. A ‘here we go again’ look on his face.

  “What’s it feel like to have a bit o’ Scottish totty on yer strappin’ thighs, eh?” By this point her eyes were positively crossed.

  But I’ve never seen someone sober up so quickly as when Finn walked into the room clutching his teddy bear.

  “Och ma wee lamb”, she said as she jumped from Ned’s lap towards Finn. “Have yeh a tummy ache? Tell Mummy where it hurts. D’yeh need some Calpol?”

  And that’s my best friend - an incorrigible flirt (but only ever with my husband and in my vision) and a totally disorganised but loving mother and wife.

  Realised why I love coming to Tilly so much.

  Wednesday 9th July

  Spent the day at Strathclyde Park - we hate it but the boys are just about old enough to enjoy it properly so we do it for them.

  Finn was allowed on any rides that Lou had given the full once over for safety and security but she didn’t go on any herself as we’d had another bit of a heavy session last night and she said she didn’t want to go puking her breakfast up over the people below. At least we got to spend time together having a girlie gossip and slagging off any slappers we could spot - a favourite college pastime of ours.

  “Wear your posh charity shop dress tonight Lib”, Lou told me. “Me and Cam have a surprise for yeh. And make sure that hunk of a husband of yours wears sommat decent too.”

  A surprise? Lou had managed to be organised enough to plan a surprise?

  Now that’s one in itself.

  PM

  We were sent to our room and told to beautify ourselves for later.

  Of course we were also given sole custody of Max and Finn (Lou would find it impossible to keep an eye on them and organise our surprise) so it didn’t make for a relaxing time.

  Max was teetering around in my boots and a bra and Finn was experimenting as a makeup artist on the ‘Rocky Horror Show’ with my brand new lipstick. Ned was oblivious to it all and read a book.

  And then I heard Lou scream, “Cam, get to the bloody Co-op, I’ve nae got any butter!”

  Thursday 10th July

  One more thing I choose to forget about Lou (or me & Lou). We always manage to have at least one massive barney during our time together.

  This time it just happened to blow up during last night’s ‘surprise’ - a lovely dinner and cake in honour of my birthday as they won’t be at my party in August.

  Everything had been going really well. Max and Todd had gone off to bed early, Lou had made a beautiful job of the table and the food was actually on time, delectable and with no further trips to the Co-op.

  The wine had probably been flowing a little too rapidly and I should have realised that’s the sign when one of us will usually start with the Spat of the Year.

  Lou kicked this one off with, “So, Lib. You’re not really gonna go through with this private school crap are yeh?”

  Cam almost choked on his Brie and mumbled something about ‘Shut yer geggie, Lou!’

  “I mean, come on, yeh know it’s gonna cripple yeh and they’re just not your sort of people”, she continued.

  Tried to defend myself by telling her we know exactly what we’re doing and feel it’s the right thing for Max. The papers are always running stories about ordinary people turning to private education and surely, if they felt they were in a position to do it for Finn, they might consider it?

  “Like hell I would,” she spat back. “I wouldn’t want him going all hoity toity on me.”

  Opened my mouth to speak but was instantly gunned down again, “You’ll only make yourself miserable Lib. You’ll have nothing in common with them and they’ll sniff you out before you can say ‘Primark!’”

  Ned giggled a bit at this and I wanted to thump him - quite hard.

  When I finally managed to get a word in I pointed out that the things Lou was saying were as bad as the things the Gnome had said about the school charity - it was almost reverse snobbery.

  “Sorry Lou but you’re making a huge generalisation”, I continued. �
�Obviously some of them are really up themselves but there’ll be some decent ones - take Fenella, she’s loaded but she’s lovely. You’d really like her.”

  “Oh yeah. FEN-ELL-AAH”, Lou slurred sarcastically in her best ‘Queen’s English’. “Fenella, Fenella, Fenella. That’s all we ever bloody hear now.”

  Even though I was beginning to feel a bit pie-eyed myself, I suddenly realised what all this was about. Lou didn’t really have an issue with the school. She was just jealous of my new friend.

  Remember pouring myself another glass of wine - why do I do that when I know I’ve had enough? And then I retaliated with, “Oh grow up Lou. So I’ve got another friend. So what? That doesn’t mean you’re not still my best friend. What the hell’s wrong with you, can’t you share?”

  Had obviously pushed it too far this time because Lou stood up, knocked her chair to the floor and, with a “Piss off Libby,” made her way upstairs.

  Cam then spoke up, “Fancy a wee whisky, Ned? To celebrate the fact that the lassies’ yearly blow up is oot of the way. Look on the bright side, we can relax for the rest of yer holiday.”

  Have vague recollection of pushing back my chair while abandoning my own dignity with the same ‘eloquence’, and hissing, “Oh piss off Cam” as I too went upstairs.

  Which only proves how alike Lou and I really are.

  Friday 11th July

  As ever, the argument blew over as quickly as it started and our husbands breathed a sigh of relief. That’s the great thing about our friendship.

  Lou admitted her jealous insecurities and I promised I wouldn’t neglect her and go all snooty on her. She made me swear I’d still be her bargain hunting buddy and definitely wouldn’t set foot in Prada or Emporio Armani - fat chance!

  Oh and I also had to vow never to use words like ‘school run,’ ‘play-date’ and, a new one, ‘marvellous’. God she drives a hard bargain.

  And just for good measure she said if I ever broke any of those rules she’d make sure that our ridiculously titled ‘Slag’s Almanac’ would be posted on the internet in my name. (This being a daft set of tips for disorganised girls to get by in life, which we used to refer to during our mad college days).

  Told her there was no way I would risk even slightly bending the rules with that as a threat. No one must ever know that I’ve washed my feet with my tights on just to save time.

  Or that I’ve picked off dried, manky bits of mascara from the night before and just slapped a fresh coat on.

  She hugged me, knowing she had me exactly where she wanted me.

  Crafty cow!

  Saturday 12th July

  The holiday passed too quickly with trips to parks, long walks and visiting monuments (very proud of her history, our Lou!)

  Cam and Ned had a trek up one of the hills yesterday, which brought them back knackered and feeling they deserved celebratory ‘hot shots’. When they realised there was no Galliano left they set off to the Co-op - along with a list from Lou for bog roll, sugar, ketchup, onions and milk.

  They returned quickly with Lou’s requests, sans Galliano - we’d drunk the Co-op dry, the helpful cashier told them! So off they went in Cam’s car to search Tilly and surrounding areas for alcoholic supplies - and another bag of essentials for Lou: A chicken, potatoes and a selection of veg (dinner had been forgotten again).

  Lou and I settled down to relax with a bottle of wine but spent most of the time taking it in turns to tell the boys off. Finn was convinced that Max had stolen his Buzz Lightyear and wasn’t prepared to give in until he admitted it. Lou and I both agreed that Max certainly didn’t look guilty but despite a careful search of the house, couldn’t find it anywhere.

  When Ned and Cam eventually returned about an hour and a half later (Lou had called them several times on the mobile to make sure they weren’t dying in a ditch somewhere) they could barely speak for laughing.

  They’d tried just about every known off-license for miles but none had any Galliano. They were just heading to their final option when, as they hit a speed bump, a voice from the back of the car announced, “This is an inter-galactic emergency!” Buzz’s comic timing was perfect and he obviously realised the importance of their mission.

  Happy evening had by all - the men had Galliano, Finn had Buzz back, Max was off the hook and Lou and I were friends again. (Until the next time).

  Sunday 13th July AM

  Sadly our Scottish break is over and am scribbling as we drive.

  Lots of tears as we said goodbye - the time together always passes too quickly.

  Lou, as usual, said that they’d come to us next. But I know she won’t - she’s too terrified of being bombed or mugged in the ‘Big Smoke’. ‘What if…?’ should definitely be put on her headstone.

  She gave Max a new Beatles CD for the journey home (thank goodness) and me a little notebook she’d entitled ‘The Normal Mummies Guide to Life’.

  In it she’d written tongue-in-cheek tips, such as:

  Wear your second hand goods with pride - remember you weren’t daft enough to pay full price for them.

  Always wait until you receive the final reminder for the ridiculous school fees - while it’s in your account, it’s making money.

  (Think that’s the Scottish in her)

  Never drink too much champers at a school do - you know what you’re like, you’ll only burp or fart.

  Try to remember to get dressed every morning before taking Max to school. You’re not at college now and pyjamas under a coat are not acceptable - the only mothers to get away with it will be wearing mink, which you must never own.

  Your posh totty friend, Fenella has got a point. Keep that gorgeous Pritesh as a back-up. They’re all wankers so if Ned ever does the dirty on you (which I doubt) you’ll never be short of batteries or someone to change your fuses.

  Had a little cry when I read the inscription in the front;

  To my best friend Lib.

  Always remember you’re as good as them, if not better.

  They may have money but you’ve got class.

  Love you, Lou.

  PS: If it all goes pear-shaped, I promise I won’t say, “I told you so.”

  PM

  Home and shattered.

  Now have ‘Ob-La-Di-Ob-La-Da’ going round in a loop inside my head. Thanks Lou!

  Mum did a great job of looking after Dog and pups and leaves tomorrow. As predicted, the house has been cleaned to within an inch of its life.

  Objected slightly when she said she’d been through my underwear drawer and thrown out half my knickers.

  Oh well, a small price to pay for a thorough spring clean.

  Monday 14th July

  Mrs S happy to have us home and updated me on her pickle status - 203! Told her maybe it’s time to stop now but she wouldn’t hear of it. “Oh no, Libbybeta. I will be needing to meet my market. My Pritesh says it will not be good for me to be running out of stock.”

  Think he’s just relieved that she’s got something to keep her occupied. He’s even got her coming up with ideas for snazzy labels to advertise ‘Ba’s Kitchen’.

  Spent the morning unpacking and washing - nice to have no other cleaning to do.

  Puppies are gorgeous and I can’t believe how much they’ve grown in a week. Be sad to see them go off to their new homes next month. Another chapter draws to a close.

  Took Max to the park to feed the ducks, go on the swings, ride his bike and play in the sand pit.

  All of our friends are away and London is a lonely place when you’re doing everything on the cheap.

  Feel a long stint of park visits coming up. With any luck the weather will be kind but it can be pretty soul destroying to know the highlight of each day is a latte in the café, alone, because Max will have forged new playground friendships - so easy when you’re a child.

  And so begins my summer break …

  GESTATION

  Monday 18th August AM

  Hooray, hooray, hooray.

  Fenella
will be back from her long holiday tonight and I’ll have some adult company for the remaining school break.

  35 days of trips to the park, play dough modelling and U cert’ films would almost be enough to break anyone’s spirit - but not mine!

  Not to mention the cry of “What we doing today Mummy?” or “Can we make Lego houses?” or the classic, “I’m bored. What can I do?”

  But have I let it get me down? Nope. Because I have things to look forward to.