by Amanda Egan
A very one sided conversation but good to hear Lou’s voice and know that at least she’s still a constant (if slightly mad) factor in my uncertain life.
PM
Rounded up final bits for cookery party tomorrow and threw together a bowl of pasta for our dinner.
Ned says we’ve just about got enough left on the credit card to meet next term’s school fees
and then we’ll have to wait and see what happens for September’s bill.
When there was a huge crack of thunder and sudden torrential rain, Ned looked confused as I said, “Yeah, thanks Dad. I know!”
Wednesday 11th March AM
Cookery party
Was very surprised to arrive at Fenella’s for party preparations to find her sporting a very sleek and shiny jet black bob!
“No more Manor House mummy for me, Lib. What do you think?”
Told her it really suited her and made her look like a glam French film star - à la Betty Blue. Almost dropped my mixing bowl at the cost though. Then she added, “Yes, I can feel a few favours of the most unusual variety being thrown Josh’s way for me to get away with this one! Actually, he can just kid himself he’s doing it with another woman, can’t he?”
The preparations went smoothly and I set off with Charlotte to collect Max and Todd from school so that I could drop them back to Ned to babysit while we did the party - one of the few advantages of having an unemployed husband.
Found him looking despondently at the PC - another day of fruitless job searching, a silent phone and more bill juggling.
Think his spirits lifted a little when the kids decided a PS3 Mario challenge was the plan for the afternoon.
Just hope he remembers to feed them.
PM
Think the party was a hit. Well, we got through it without murdering any of the precocious little madams so it must have been.
Had to remove a carving knife, rolling pin and a wrought iron saucepan from Fenella on several occasions before she could execute any lasting, sueable damage but, other than that, I think we behaved like professional party organisers.
To be fair, most of the girls were quite sweet and reasonably well behaved but there was the core group of Lettie, Saskia and Alicia who really pushed us to our limits.
It wasn’t too difficult to imagine them as the worst type of Manor House mothers circa 2028. They were bitchy, competitive, loud, big-headed and always right.
“Have you seen Phoenix’s new hairstyle? It sucks doesn’t it? My mummy would never cut off my lovely hair.”
“I lost a tooth last week and the tooth fairy left me this white gold Tiffany bracelet. Look.”
“Mummy says I can take ten friends to Disneyland Paris for my birthday this year and I might invite you.”
I think the closest one of them came to full decapitation was when Alicia said to Fenella, “I’m bored with sieving the flour. Can you do it? After all, my mummy is paying you.”
Discovered that a beetroot face of fury is not the greatest accompaniment to an expensive black bob.
Rewarded ourselves with much-needed wine and fags as we tidied up afterwards.
“God, Libby. What is it with these kids? Were we ever that monstrous?”
Said I’m sure we weren’t and added, “But then I didn’t have material things to boast about, just a decent loving family. Guess that’s the problem with them - the parents. They’re learning by example.”
Fenella gulped. “Gosh I suppose you’re right. Must start to be a bit careful with Charlotte. Only last week she said she wanted a manicure and did I think her bottom looked big in her leggings.”
Didn’t let on that I’d heard Max playing with Lego figures in his bedroom last week and pretending one was saying to the other, “Oh, poo, more bills. Got no more pennies left. Have you?”
Thursday 12th March AM
Apart from a few loose ends, La Fête Parfaite is pretty quiet at the moment. We were asked if we’d organise a ‘Beauty Queen Pageant’ but we refused on moral grounds - what is wrong with these women?
‘Ba’s Kitchen’ continues to go from strength to strength though and both Mrs S and Skunk have had to give up their computer course to devote more time to it. Mr Skunk Senior pops round regularly to do Mrs S’s garden for her and Mrs Skunk is taking her to bingo one night next week. “I am thinking what a wonderful life I am having in my twilight years. Just one more thing would make it perfect, Libbybeta.”
Pretended to have no idea what she meant and didn’t answer her.
Had a quick chat with Olga at the school gates, under the openly disdainful scrutiny of the Meemies. Good heavens, we’re into our second term now and she still hasn’t cottoned on that mummies don’t fraternise with the hired help.
Olga was letting off steam again. “Vot a life I hev Libby. Lydia-Boss-Lady is such a puss-filled whore. I hate her from ze heart of my bottom. Last night she made me vosh all de floors because stupid bitch cleaner vos not doing zem properly. I vont to shove her broom up her big fat bum-hole, I really do!”
Fenella arrived and, playing for full effect to the disapproving audience, said loudly, “Who’s got a big fat bum-hole, Olga?” And she pointedly swished her immaculate hair and pouted her blood red lips at the coven.
They really don’t know what to make of us!
PM
Came home to miserable husband, dog sick under the table and a pile of unopened bills.
Cooked Ned’s MG fave and offered him unadulterated passion - well, I actually said we could leave the lights on and I’d put on a pair of fancy knickers.
Even that didn’t cheer him up.
Things have hit rock bottom in the Marchant household.
Friday 13th March AM
Another Friday 13th!
Jenny & Colin tonight
Survived the day without any horrible dramas but no fantastic prospects either.
Surfed the web for some tips on using Feng Shui to boost our wealth areas - can’t hurt to give it a try and we need all the help we can get. We now have a money tree in our south-east corner and lots of blue, turquoise and green objects. Doesn’t help that our loo is also in our wealth spot - apparently not good! Discovered we must always ensure that loo lid is down - except when in use of course.
Can almost feel the money flowing back into our house as I write - perhaps I should set up as a Feng Shui adviser?
Saw Gestapo and the Gnome having a rather heated discussion outside the school. Fenella and I stood as close to them as plausibly polite but couldn’t really pick up on anything. Gestapo was looking exceptionally rough and I even detected a couple of throbbing zits. Her dark roots were now looking decidedly greasy with maybe even a hint of grey.
Tried to be a good Christian and not gloat but, have to admit, found it very difficult.
Not as difficult as Fenella though who just sniggered, “Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving person, I say!”
PM
Max very matter-of-factly, over a mouthful of spicy rice, informed us tonight that Mia was crying a lot at school today.
“She says her daddy might have to go away somewhere for a very long time and she’s really sad. And she’s living in a different house and misses her caravan.” (Think he meant Swiss-style playhouse)
So …it looks like Rudeman might be doing time then?
Felt really sad for Mia and, once again, the bubble of pity for Gestapo.
Was relieved to find that the Christian part of me still exists in there somewhere.
Saturday 14th March
Drinks with Jenny & Colin last night didn’t do a great deal to lift our flagging spirits. They were great company, as usual, but it just seems as though everything’s doom and gloom at the moment.
They confided that Rudeman will be ‘going down’ - rather too many dodgy dealings, apparently, and the last one broke the broker’s back, so to speak.
Also, the school fees are definitely going up by at least 10% in September - that could be the str
aw that breaks what we laughingly call our bank balance.
Jenny saw us blanch at the fee increase and tactfully suggested CCL. “I’m not for one minute saying that you won’t get yourselves out of this hole but it could help tide you over, couldn’t it?”
Ned looked at what I hoped was my best ‘non-committal’ face and re-filled my glass saying, “No Jen. There are others who are far more deserving. We’ll sort ourselves out and come back with a vengeance. Won’t we Lib?”
God I love my husband. Protecting my dignity, even in adversity.
Had mind blowing sex with the lights off and no frilly knickers - who needs props when you’re in love?
Sunday 15th March
Mum came for lunch today and I think our ‘Bert suspicions’ may be confirmed.
After a couple of glasses of wine we’d counted at least fourteen references.
“Oh yes, Bert’s a wonderful gardener. Totally transformed my front bush, he has.”
Thought Ned was about to choke on his prawns.
“Bert’s such a gentleman. He always takes me up the back passage when he sees me home.”
Mother!
And finally, when I thought Ned was about to have a cardiac arrest from achingly concealed laughter, “Of course, Bert loves my milky coffee. He says it’s far nicer than any of these fancy franchises because I give it such a frothy head.”
Kicked Ned sharply under the table and excused myself under the pretext of needing to stir the gravy.
No amount of questioning would get her to admit they’re an item. Perhaps they’re not and they just enjoy one another’s company. Am really happy for her, whatever the case, and think she may actually have softened a bit. She even said how pretty I was looking and how sorry she was that Ned hadn’t found work yet - is this the mum that I know and (still) love?
Over pudding she went on, “Of course if I hadn’t had that disagreement with your godmother, she’d have been the first one to help you out - she’d have done anything for you. It’s a shame but she was such a sensitive little thing - always misconstruing my turn of phrase. Can’t think why, the silly moo! Last I heard she was living the high life in Europe somewhere.”
I only have very vague recollections of my Auntie Maisie - always great fun to be with and able to ‘magic’ anything I ever asked for - from a stuffed pony to the best ever Easter bonnet. I actually believed she was my fairy Godmother but one day she just seemed to be spirited away and Mum said we wouldn’t be seeing her again - I was too young to form questions and too sad to voice them anyway.
Mum carried on, “Obviously, I’d help with your situation if I could but the pittance your father left me really can’t run to that. Can’t Ned’s mum put her hand in her purse for a change?”
‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’ definitely doesn’t grace my mother’s book shelf!
Ned just let it run like water off a duck’s back and asked, “So … is your front bush nicely trimmed now, Shelia? Doesn’t do to let these things go does it?”
Monday 16th March
Mrs S waved us off to school this morning, sporting a brand new curly perm - courtesy of Mrs Skunk. Not so sure it suits the sari as well as her neat little chignon used to but she seems delighted with it. As she did with her five pound bingo win where she said she met so many lovely people she doesn’t know why she didn’t start going sooner. “Now I look back, my Mahesh made me into such a typical Indian housewife, I missed out on so much and I am only getting the chance to enjoy my life now. Never become a slave to a man, Libbybeta.”
Told her that my relationship with Ned isn’t like that and she harrumphed quite loudly, causing her new curls to wobble on her little head.
The Gnome stopped me at school this morning and asked if I’d like to make a donation to the collection for Araminta at “her very difficult time.” Noticed a few fifty pound notes and several twenties so, even if I did decide to play the Samaritan, didn’t think a handful of coppers would go down too well.
Thankfully I had the excuse of not having my bag on me and scurried back to the car mumbling some sort of crap like “I’ll catch up with you at another time.”
Met Fenella at her car and asked her if she’d been approached yet.
“Approached? She practically pounced on me as I left the classroom. So I very politely reminded her of their own thoughts about ‘certain types’ and ‘those who can’t afford, don’t get.’ And then told her to naff off!”
Tuesday 17th March AM
Feng Shui implementation not working as quickly as hoped, so added a few more blue and green items to the corner. Ned says it’s beginning to look a bit like Steptoe’s Yard but he doesn’t understand, dismissing it as a load of mumbo jumbo. He’ll eat his words when the money starts rolling in. That’s if I can ever train him to start putting the bloody loo lid down - our finances will never be sorted until he starts to obey the rules.
Even Max is remembering to close the lid every time saying, “Got to keep those pennies in, haven’t we Mummy?”
Must remember to do the lottery this weekend to test if I’ve changed our luck or maybe I could try bingo with Mrs S and Mrs Skunk? Best not though in case word gets out at the school.
A mum in Max’s class, Fiona, has volunteered to hold a Seedlings drinks party this Saturday. Rumour has it she only wants to show off her newly refurbished house. Can’t say the idea is exactly thrilling me but I guess we have to be sociable and, as Ned pointed out, it’s free and a chance to net-work for jobs.
Just hope they don’t charge us an admission fee under the guise of fundraising.
PM
Mum called to say she’s going away for the Easter weekend with Bert.
“Separate rooms, of course. I’m too old for any shenanigans. Didn’t actually think that much of it when I was young enough to enjoy it, to be honest!”
Do I really want to be hearing this?
“Anyway, thought I’d better let you know I won’t be around for any babysitting duties, but I’m sure Ned’s mum can put herself out for once.”
Told her I didn’t think we’d be doing much over Easter anyway but was she still OK for Saturday?
“Oh yes dear. Bert and I are looking forward to it. Thought we might order a take-away and make a bit of a night of it. Bert’s going to rent a nice romantic comedy for us to watch.”
Glad to hear she’s not into ‘shenanigans’ - don’t think my stomach could take coming home to her canoodling on the sofa.
Ooh, just made myself feel slightly nauseous. Off to have a glass of 3 for 2 and a fag.
Wednesday 18th March
Max came running happily out of school today, waving a letter about piano lessons - an extra hundred and fifty quid a term.
“I really want to do them Mummy. I know I’ll have to wait until the messy corner and the toilet lid thing start working, but I can do them then, can’t I?”
Can still see the confused and bemused looks on Gestapo and the Gnome’s faces.
Ned thoroughly miserable tonight. The redundancy timing just couldn’t have been worse. The credit crunch is seeing thousands losing their jobs in the city and very few opportunities for employment.
Realised we’ve only got about five weeks until the summer school fees are due and it’s looking more and more like the Marchant credit is in for its own crunch.
Added a picture of a swanky house and fancy car to our wealth corner - visualisation is very important as a key to success.
Went to bed leaving it all in the laps of the Feng Shui deities - Fuk Luk Sau. No kidding, I’ve done my homework.
Thursday 19th March
Met Fenella at the school this morning and she begged me to go to the local coffee shop for caffeine and croissants. “My treat. I’m so frightfully bored, Sweedie. At least when we had some work coming in we had something to do.”
Concluded that maybe the city cullings were beginning to make the Meemies think twice about throwing money at organised parties - if it comes
down to a kid’s party or regular manicures we know which they’ll plump for. Maybe we should take a course in acrylics?
The coffee shop was brimming with equally bored mothers, some familiar Manor House faces with their pre-school toddlers, and also what looked like a recently formed mother and baby group.