by Roald Dahl
'I think I was even younger than that, my darling… I was only a bitty little girl… probably no more than six…'
'Then she's three hundred and fifty-eight!' gasped Charlie.
'That's Vita-Wonk for you,' said Mr Wonka proudly. 'I told you it was powerful stuff
'Three hundred and fifty-eight!' said Mr Bucket. 'It's unbelievable!'
'Just imagine the things she must have seen in her lifetime!' said Grandpa Joe.
'My poor old mother!' wailed Mrs Bucket. 'What on earth…'
'Patience, dear lady,' said Mr Wonka. 'Now comes the interesting part. Bring on the Wonka-Vite!'
An Oompa-Loompa ran forward with a large bottle and gave it to Mr Wonka. He put it on the bed. 'How young does she want to be?' he asked.
'Seventy-eight,' said Mrs Bucket firmly. 'Exactly where she was before all this nonsense started!'
'Surely she'd like to be a bit younger than that?' said Mr Wonka. 'Certainly not!' said Mrs Bucket. 'It's too risky!'
'Too risky, too risky!' croaked Grandma Georgina. 'You'll only Minus me again if you try to be clever!'
'Have it your own way,' said Mr Wonka. 'Now then, I've got to do a few sums.' Another Oompa-Loompa trotted forward, holding up a blackboard. Mr Wonka took a piece of chalk from his pocket and wrote:
'Fourteen pills of Wonka-Vite exactly,' said Mr Wonka. The Oompa-Loompa took the blackboard away. Mr Wonka picked up the bottle from the bed and opened it and counted out fourteen of the little brilliant yellow pills. 'Water!' he said. Yet another Oompa-Loompa ran forward with a glass of water. Mr Wonka tipped all fourteen pills into the glass. The water bubbled and frothed. 'Drink it while it's fizzing,' he said, holding the glass up to Grandma Georgina's lips. 'All in one gulp!'
She drank it.
Mr Wonka sprang back and took a large brass clock from his pocket. 'Don't forget,' he cried, 'it's a year a second! She's got two hundred and eighty years to lose! That'll take her four minutes and forty seconds! Watch the centuries fall away!'
The room was so silent they could hear the ticking of Mr Wonka's clock. At first nothing much happened to the ancient person lying on the bed. She closed her eyes and lay back. Now and again, the puckered skin of her face gave a twitch and her little hands jerked up and down, but that was all…
'One minute gone!' called Mr Wonka. 'She's sixty years younger.' 'She looks just the same to me,' said Mr Bucket.
'Of course she does,' said Mr Wonka. 'What's a mere sixty years when you're over three hundred to start with!'
'Are you all right, Mother?' said Mrs Bucket anxiously. 'Talk to me, Mother!'
'Two minutes gone!' called Mr Wonka. 'She's one hundred and twenty years younger!'
And now definite changes were beginning to show in the old woman's face. The skin was quivering all over and some of the deepest wrinkles were becoming less and less deep, the mouth less sunken, the nose more prominent.
'Mother!' cried Mrs Bucket. 'Are you all right? Speak to me, Mother, please!'
Suddenly, with a suddenness that made everyone jump, the old woman sat bolt upright in bed and shouted, 'Did you hear the news! Admiral Nelson has beaten the French at Trafalgar!'
'She's going crazy!' said Mr Bucket.
'Not at all,' said Mr Wonka. 'She's going through the nineteenth century.'
'Three minutes gone!' said Mr Wonka.
Every second now she was growing slightly less and less shrivelled, becoming more and more lively. It was a marvellous thing to watch.
'Gettysburg!' she cried. 'General Lee is on the run!'
And a few seconds later she let out a great wail of anguish and said, 'He's dead, he's dead, he's dead!'
'Who's dead?' said Mr Bucket, craning forward.
'Lincoln!' she wailed. 'There goes the train…'
'She must have seen it!' said Charlie. 'She must have been there!'
'She is there,' said Mr Wonka. 'At least she was a few seconds ago.'
'Will someone please explain to me,' said Mrs Bucket, 'what on earth…'
'Four minutes gone!' said Mr Wonka. 'Only forty seconds left! Only forty more years to lose!'
'Grandma!' cried Charlie, running forward. 'You're looking almost exactly like you used to! Oh, I'm so glad!'
'Just as long as it all stops when it's meant to,' said Mrs Bucket. 'I'll bet it doesn't,' said Mr Bucket. 'Something always goes wrong.'
'Not when I'm in charge of it, sir,' said Mr Wonka. 'Time's up! She is now seventy-eight years old! How do you feel, dear lady? Is everything all right?'
'I feel tolerable,' she said. 'Just tolerable. But that's no thanks to you, you meddling old mackerel!'
There she was again, the same cantankerous grumbling old Grandma Georgina that Charlie had known so well before it all started. Mrs Bucket flung her arms around her and began weeping with joy. The old woman pushed her aside and said, 'What, may I ask, are those two silly babies doing at the other end of the bed?'
'One of them's your husband,' said Mr Bucket.
'Rubbish!' she said. 'Where is George?'
'I'm afraid it's true, Mother,' said Mrs Bucket. 'That's him on the left. The other one's Josephine…'
'You… you chiselling old cheeseburger!' she shouted, pointing a fierce finger at Mr Wonka. 'What in the name of…'
'Now now now now now!' said Mr Wonka. 'Let us not for mercy's sake have another row so late in the day. If everyone will keep their hair on and leave this to Charlie and me, we shall have them exactly where they used to be in the flick of a fly's wing!'
19
The Babies Grow Up
'Bring on the Vita-Wonk!' said Mr Wonka. 'We'll soon fix these two babies.'
An Oompa-Loompa ran forward with a small bottle and a couple of silver teaspoons.
'Wait just one minute!' snapped Grandma Georgina. 'What sort of devilish dumpery are you up to now?'
'It's all right, Grandma,' said Charlie. 'I promise you it's all right. Vita-Wonk does the opposite to Wonka-Vite. It makes you older. It's what we gave you when you were a Minus. It saved you!'
'You gave me too much!' snapped the old woman. 'We had to, Grandma.'
'And now you want to do the same to Grandpa George!' 'Of course we don't,' said Charlie.
'I finished up three hundred and fifty-eight years old!' she went on. 'What's to stop you making another little mistake and giving him fifty times more than you gave me? Then I'd suddenly have a twenty-thousand-year-old caveman in bed beside me! Imagine that, and him with a big knobby club in one hand and dragging me around by my hair with the other! No, thank you!'
'Grandma,' Charlie said patiently. 'With you we had to use a spray because you were a Minus. You were a ghost. But here Mr Wonka can…'
'Don't talk to me about that man!' she cried. 'He's batty as a bullfrog!'
'No, Grandma, he is not. And here he can measure it out exactly right, drop by drop, and feed it into their mouths. That's true, isn't it, Mr Wonka?'
'Charlie,' said Mr Wonka. 'I can see that the factory is going to be in good hands when I retire. You learn very fast. I am so pleased I chose you, my dear boy, so very pleased. Now then, what's the verdict? Do we leave them as babies or do we grow them up with Vita-Wonk?'
'You go ahead, Mr Wonka,' said Grandpa Joe. 'I'd like you to grow my Josie up so she's just the same as before - eighty years old.'
'Thank you, sir,' said Mr Wonka. 'I appreciate the confidence you place in me. But what about the other one, Grandpa George?'
'Oh, all right, then,' said Grandma Georgina. 'But if he ends up a caveman I don't want him in this bed any more!'
'That's settled then!' said Mr Wonka. 'Come along, Charlie! We'll do them both together. You hold one spoon and I'll hold the other. I shall measure out four drops and four drops only into each spoon and we'll wake them up and pop it into their mouths.'
'Which one shall I do, Mr Wonka?'
'You do Grandma Josephine, the tiny one. I'll do Grandpa George, the one-year-old. Here's your spoon.'
Char
lie took the spoon and held it out. Mr Wonka opened the bottle and dripped four drops of oily black liquid into Charlie's spoon. Then he did the same to his own. He handed the bottle back to the Oompa-Loompa.
'Shouldn't someone hold the babies while you give it?' said Grandpa Joe. 'I'll hold Grandma Josephine.'
'Are you mad!' said Mr Wonka. 'Don't you realize that Vita-Wonk acts instantly? It's not one year a second like Wonka-Vite. Vita-Wonk is as quick as lightning! The moment the medicine is swallowed - ping! - and it all happens! The getting bigger and the growing older and everything else all happens in one second! So don't you see, my dear sir,' he said to Grandpa Joe, 'that one moment you'd be holding a tiny baby in your arms and just one second later you'd find yourself staggering about with an eighty-year-old woman and you'd drop her like a ton of bricks on the floor!'
'I see what you mean,' said Grandpa Joe. 'All set, Charlie?'
'All set, Mr Wonka.' Charlie moved around the bed to where the tiny sleeping baby lay. He placed one hand behind her head and lifted it. The baby awoke and started yelling. Mr Wonka was on the other side of the bed doing the same to the one-year-old George. 'Both together now, Charlie!' said Mr Wonka. 'Ready, steady, go! Pop it in!' Charlie pushed his spoon into the open mouth of the baby and tipped the drops down her throat.
'Make sure she swallows it!' cried Mr Wonka. 'It won't work until it gets into their tummies!'
It is difficult to explain what happened next, and whatever it was, it only lasted for one second. A second is about as long as it takes you to say aloud and quickly, 'one-two-three-four-five'. And that is how long it took, with Charlie watching closely, for the tiny baby to grow and swell and wrinkle into the eighty-year-old Grandma Josephine. It was a frightening thing to see. It was like an explosion. A small baby suddenly exploded into an old woman, and Charlie all at once found himself staring straight into the well-known and much-loved wrinkly old face of his Grandma Josephine. 'Hello, my darling,' she said. 'Where have you come from?'
'Josie!' cried Grandpa Joe, rushing forward. 'How marvellous! You're back!' 'I didn't know I'd been away,' she said.
Grandpa George had also made a successful comeback. 'You were better-looking as a baby,' Grandma Georgina said to him. 'But I'm glad you've grown up again, George… for one reason.'
'What's that?' asked Grandpa George. 'You won't wet the bed any more.'
20
How to Get Someone out of Bed
'I am sure,' said Mr Wonka, addressing Grandpa George, Grandma Georgina and Grandma Josephine, 'I am quite sure the three of you, after all that, will now want to jump out of bed and lend a hand in running the Chocolate Factory.'
'Who, us?' said Grandma Josephine. 'Yes, you,' said Mr Wonka.
'Are you crazy?' said Grandma Georgina. 'I'm staying right here where I am in this nice comfortable bed, thank you very much!'
'Me, too!' said Grandpa George.
At that moment, there was a sudden commotion among the Oompa-Loompas at the far end of the Chocolate Room. There was a buzz of excited chatter and a lot of running about and waving of arms, and out of all this a single Oompa-Loompa emerged and came rushing toward Mr Wonka, carrying a huge envelope in his hands. He came up close to Mr Wonka. He started whispering. Mr Wonka bent down low to listen.
'Outside the factory gates?' cried Mr Wonka. 'Men!… What sort of men?… Yes, but do they look dangerous?… Are they ACTING dangerously?… And a what?… A HELICOPTER!… And these men came out of it?… They gave you this?…'
Mr Wonka grabbed the huge envelope and quickly slit it open and pulled out the folded letter inside. There was absolute silence as he skimmed swiftly over what was written on the paper. Nobody moved. Charlie began to feel cold. He knew something dreadful was going to happen. There was a very definite smell of danger in the air. The men outside the gates, the helicopter, the nervousness of the Oompa-Loompas… He was watching Mr Wonka's face, searching for a clue, for some change in expression that would tell him how bad the news was.
'Great whistling whangdoodles!' cried Mr Wonka, leaping so high in the air that when he landed his legs gave way and he crashed on to his backside.
'Snorting snozzwangers!' he yelled, picking himself up and waving the letter about as though he were swatting mosquitoes. 'Listen to this, all of you! Just you listen to this!' He began to read aloud:
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON
D.C.
TO MR WILLY WONKA.
SIR
TODAY THE ENTIRE NATION, INDEED THE WHOLE WORLD, IS REJOICING AT THE SAFE RETURN OF OUR TRANSPORT CAPSULE FROM SPACE WITH 136 SOULS ON BOARD. HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR THE HELP THEY RECEIVED FROM AN UNKNOWN SPACESHIP, THESE 136 PEOPLE WOULD NEVER HAVE COME BACK. IT HAS BEEN REPORTED TO ME THAT THE COURAGE SHOWN BY THE EIGHT ASTRONAUTS ABOARD THIS UNKNOWN SPACESHIP WAS EXTRAORDINARY. OUR RADAR STATIONS, BY TRACKING THIS SPACESHIP ON ITS RETURN TO EARTH, HAVE DISCOVERED THAT IT SPLASHED DOWN IN A PLACE KNOWN AS WONKA'S CHOCOLATE FACTORY. THAT, SIR, IS WHY THIS LETTER IS BEING DELIVERED TO YOU.
I WISH NOW TO SHOW THE GRATITUDE OF THE NATION BY INVITING ALL EIGHT OF THOSE INCREDIBLY BRAVE ASTRONAUTS TO COME AND STAY IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOR A FEW DAYS AS MY HONOURED GUESTS.
I AM ARRANGING A SPECIAL CELEBRATION PARTY IN THE BLUE ROOM THIS EVENING AT WHICH I MYSELF WILL PIN MEDALS FOR BRAVERY UPON ALL EIGHT OF THESE GALLANT FLIERS. THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSONS IN THE LAND WILL BE PRESENT AT THIS GATHERING TO SALUTE THE HEROES WHOSE DAZZLING DEEDS WILL BE WRITTEN FOR EVER IN THE HISTORY OF OUR NATION. AMONG THOSE ATTENDING WILL BE THE VICE-PRESIDENT (MISS ELVIRA TIBBS), ALL THE MEMBERS OF MY CABINET, THE CHIEFS OF THE ARMY, THE NAVY AND THE AIR FORCE, ALL MEMBERS OF THE CONGRESS. A FAMOUS SWORD-SWALLOWER FROM AFGHANISTAN WHO IS NOW TEACHING ME TO EAT MY WORDS (WHAT YOU DO IS YOU TAKE THE S OFF THE BEGINNING OF THE SWORD AND PUT IT ON THE END BEFORE YOU SWALLOW IT). AND WHO ELSE IS COMING? OH YES, MY CHIEF INTERPRETER, AND THE GOVERNORS OF EVERY STATE IN THE UNION, AND OF COURSE MY CAT, MRS TAUBSYPUSS.
A HELICOPTER AWAITS ALL EIGHT OF YOU OUTSIDE THE FACTORY GATES. I MYSELF AWAIT YOUR ARRIVAL AT THE WHITE HOUSE WITH THE VERY GREATEST PLEASURE AND IMPATIENCE.
I BEG TO REMAIN, SIR, MOST SINCERELY YOURS
LANCELOT R. GILLIGRASS
President of the United States
P.S. COULD YOU PLEASE BRING ME A FEW WONKA FUDGEMALLOW DELIGHTS. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH BUT EVERYBODY AROUND HERE KEEPS STEALING MINE OUT OF THE DRAWER IN MY DESK. AND DON'T TELL
NANNY.
Mr Wonka stopped reading. And in the stillness that followed Charlie could hear people breathing. He could hear them breathing in and out much faster than usual. And there were other things, too. There were so many feelings and passions and there was so much sudden happiness swirling around in the air it made his head spin. Grandpa Joe was the first to say something… 'Yippeeeeeeeeeee!' he yelled out, and he flew across the room and caught Charlie by the hands and the two of them started dancing away along the bank of the chocolate river. 'We're going, Charlie!' sang Grandpa Joe. 'We're going to the White House after all!' Mr and Mrs Bucket were also dancing and laughing and singing, and Mr Wonka ran all over the room proudly showing the President's letter to the Oompa-Loompas. After a minute or so, Mr Wonka clapped his hands for attention. 'Come along, come along!' he called out. 'We mustn't dilly! We mustn't dally! Come on, Charlie! And you, sir, Grandpa Joe! And Mr and Mrs Bucket! The helicopter is outside the gates! We can't keep it waiting!' He began hustling the four of them toward the door.
'Hey!' screamed Grandma Georgina from the bed. 'What about us? We were invited too, don't you forget that!'
'It said all eight of us were invited!' cried Grandma Josephine. 'And that includes me!' said Grandpa George.
Mr Wonka turned and looked at them. 'Of course it includes you,' he said. 'But we can't possibly get that bed into a helicopter. It won't go through the door.'
'You mean… you mean if we don't get out of bed we can't come?' said Grandma Georgina.
'That's exactly what I mean,' said Mr Wonka. 'Kee
p going, Charlie,' he whispered, giving Charlie a little nudge. 'Keep walking toward the door.'
Suddenly, behind them, there was a great SWOOSH of blankets and sheets and a pinging of bedsprings as the three old people all exploded out of the bed together. They came sprinting after Mr Wonka, shouting, 'Wait for us! Wait for us!' It was amazing how fast they were running across the floor of the great Chocolate Room. Mr Wonka and Charlie and the others stood staring at them in wonder. They leaped across paths and over little bushes like gazelles in spring-time, with their bare legs flashing and their nightshirts flying out behind them.
Suddenly Grandma Josephine put the brakes on so hard she skidded five yards before coming to a stop. 'Wait!' she screamed. 'We must be mad! We can't go to a famous party in the White House in our nightshirts! We can't stand there practically naked in front of all those people while the President pins medals all over us!'
'Oh-h-h-h!' wailed Grandma Georgina. 'Oh, what are we going to do?' 'Don't you have any clothes with you at all?' asked Mr Wonka.
'Of course we don't!' said Grandma Josephine. 'We haven't been out of that bed for twenty years!'
'We can't go!' wailed Grandma Georgina. 'We'll have to stay behind!' 'Couldn't we buy something from a store?' said Grandpa George. 'What with?' said Grandma Josephine. 'We don't have any money!'
'Money!' cried Mr Wonka. 'Good gracious me, don't you go worrying about money! I've got plenty of that!'
'Listen,' said Charlie. 'Why couldn't we ask the helicopter to land on the roof of a big shop on the way over. Then you can all pop downstairs and buy exactly what you want!'
'Charlie!' cried Mr Wonka, grasping him by the hand. 'What would we do without you? You're brilliant! Come along everybody! We're off to stay in the White House!'
They all linked arms and went dancing out of the Chocolate Room and along the corridors and out through the front door into the open where the big helicopter was waiting near the factory gates. A group of extremely important-looking gentlemen came toward them and bowed.