LETTER LXXVII
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.SAT. AUG. 23.
I am so disturbed at the contents of Miss Harlowe's answer to my cousinCharlotte's letter of Tuesday last, (which was given her by the samefellow that gave me your's,) that I have hardly patience or considerationenough to weigh what you write.
She had need indeed to cry out for mercy for herself from her friends,who knows not how to show any! She is a true daughter of the Harlowes!--By my soul, Jack, she is a true daughter of the Harlowes! Yet has she somany excellencies, that I must love her; and, fool that I am, love herthe more for despising me.
Thou runnest on with thy cursed nonsensical reformado rote, of dying,dying, dying! and, having once got the word by the end, canst not helpfoisting it in at every period! The devil take me, if I don't think thouwouldst rather give her poison with thy own hands, rather than she shouldrecover, and rob thee of the merit of being a conjurer!
But no more of thy cursed knell; thy changes upon death's candlestickturned bottom-upwards: she'll live to bury me; I see that: for, by mysoul, I can neither eat, drink, nor sleep, nor, what is still worse, loveany woman in the world but her. Nor care I to look upon a woman now: onthe contrary, I turn my head from every one I meet: except by chance aneye, an air, a feature, strikes me, resembling her's in some glancing-byface; and then I cannot forbear looking again: though the second lookrecovers me; for there can be nobody like her.
But surely, Belford, the devil's in this woman! The more I think of hernonsense and obstinacy, the less patience I have with her. Is itpossible she can do herself, her family, her friends, so much justice anyother way, as by marrying me? Were she sure she should live but a day,she ought to die a wife. If her christian revenge will not let her wishto do so for her own sake, ought she not for the sake of her family, andof her sex, which she pretends sometimes to have so much concern for?And if no sake is dear enough to move her Harlowe-spirit in my favour,has she any title to the pity thou so pitifully art always bespeaking forher?
As to the difference which her letter has made between me and the stupidfamily here, [and I must tell thee we are all broke in pieces,] I valuenot that of a button. They are fools to anathematize and curse me, whocan give them ten curses for one, were they to hold it for a daytogether.
I have one half of the house to myself; and that the best; for the greatenjoy that least which costs them most: grandeur and use are two things:the common part is their's; the state part is mine: and here I lord it,and will lord it, as long as I please; while the two pursy sisters, theold gouty brother, and the two musty nieces, are stived up in the otherhalf, and dare not stir for fear of meeting me: whom, (that's the jestof it,) they have forbidden coming into their apartments, as I have theminto mine. And so I have them all prisoners, while I range about as Iplease. Pretty dogs and doggesses to quarrel and bark at me, and yet,whenever I appear, afraid to pop out of their kennels; or, if out beforethey see me, at the sight of me run growling in again, with their flaptears, their sweeping dewlaps, and their quivering tails curling inwards.
And here, while I am thus worthily waging war with beetles, drones,wasps, and hornets, and am all on fire with the rage of slighted love,thou art regaling thyself with phlegm and rock-water, and art going onwith thy reformation-scheme and thy exultations in my misfortunes!
The devil take thee for an insensible dough-baked varlet! I have no morepatience with thee than with the lady; for thou knowest nothing either oflove or friendship, but art as unworthy of the one, as incapable of theother; else wouldst thou not rejoice, as thou dost under the grimace ofpity, in my disappointments.
And thou art a pretty fellow, art thou not? to engage to transcribe forher some parts of my letters written to thee in confidence? Letters thatthou shouldest sooner have parted with thy cursed tongue, than have ownedthat thou ever hadst received such: yet these are now to be communicatedto her! But I charge thee, and woe be to thee if it be too late! thatthou do not oblige her with a line of mine.
If thou hast done it, the least vengeance I will take is to break throughmy honour given to thee not to visit her, as thou wilt have brokenthrough thine to me, in communicating letters written under the seal offriendship.
I am now convinced, too sadly for my hopes, by her letter to my cousinCharlotte, that she is determined never to have me.
Unprecedented wickedness, she calls mine to her. But how does she knowwhat love, in its flaming ardour, will stimulate men to do? How does sheknow the requisite distinctions of the words she uses in this case?--Tothink the worst, and to be able to make comparisons in these verydelicate situations, must she not be less delicate than I had imaginedher to be?--But she has head that the devil is black; and having a mindto make one of me, brays together, in the mortar of her wild fancy,twenty chimney-sweepers, in order to make one sootier than ordinary riseout of the dirty mass.
But what a whirlwind does she raise in my soul by her proud contempts ofme! Never, never, was mortal man's pride so mortified! How does shesink me, even in my own eyes!--'Her heart sincerely repulses me, shesays, for my MEANNESS!'--Yet she intends to reap the benefit of what shecalls so!--Curse upon her haughtiness, and her meanness, at the sametime!--Her haughtiness to me, and her meanness to her own relations; moreunworthy of kindred with her, than I can be, or I am mean indeed.
Yet who but must admire, who but must adore her; Oh! that cursed, cursedhouse! But for the women of that!--Then their d----d potions! But forthose, had her unimpaired intellects, and the majesty of her virtue,saved her, as once it did by her humble eloquence,* another time by herterrifying menaces against her own life.**
* In the fire-scene, Vol. V. Letter XVI.** Vol. VI. Letter XXXVI. in the pen-knife-scene.
Yet in both these to find her power over me, and my love for her, and tohate, to despise, and to refuse me!--She might have done this with someshow of justice, had the last-intended violation been perpetrated:--butto go away conqueress and triumphant in every light!--Well may shedespise me for suffering her to do so.
She left me low and mean indeed!--And the impression holds with her.--Icould tear my flesh, that I gave her not cause--that I humbled her notindeed;--or that I staid not in town to attend her motions instead ofLord M.'s, till I could have exalted myself, by giving to myself a wifesuperior to all trial, to all temptation.
I will venture one more letter to her, however; and if that don't do, orprocure me an answer, then will I endeavour to see her, let what will bethe consequence. If she get out of my way, I will do some noble mischiefto the vixen girl whom she most loves, and then quit the kingdom forever.
And now, Jack, since thy hand is in at communicating the contents ofprivate letters, tell her this, if thou wilt. And add to it, That if SHEabandon me, GOD will: and what then will be the fate of
HerLOVELACE.
Clarissa Harlowe; or the history of a young lady — Volume 7 Page 76