LETTER LXXXIII
MISS CL. HARLOWE, TO ROBERT LOVELACE, ESQ.FRIDAY, AUG. 11.
It is a cruel alternative to be either forced to see you, or to write toyou. But a will of my own has been long denied me; and to avoid agreater evil, nay, now I may say, the greatest, I write.
Were I capable of disguising or concealing my real sentiments, I mightsafely, I dare say, give you the remote hope you request, and yet keepall my resolutions. But I must tell you, Sir, (it becomes my characterto tell you, that, were I to live more years than perhaps I may weeks,and there were not another man in the world, I could not, I would not, beyour's.
There is no merit in performing a duty.
Religion enjoins me not only to forgive injuries, but to return good forevil. It is all my consolation, and I bless God for giving me that, thatI am now in such a state of mind, with regard to you, that I cancheerfully obey its dictates. And accordingly I tell you, that, whereveryou go, I wish you happy. And in this I mean to include every good wish.
And now having, with great reluctance I own, complied with one of yourcompulsatory alternatives, I expect the fruits of it.
CLARISSA HARLOWE.
LETTER LXXXIV
MR. JOHN HARLOWE, TO MISS CL. HARLOWE[IN ANSWER TO HER'S TO HER MOTHER. SEE LETTER LXXV. OF THIS VOLUME.]MONDAY, AUG. 7.
POOR UNGRATEFUL, NAUGHTY KINSWOMAN!
Your mother neither caring, nor being permitted, to write, I am desiredto set pen to paper, though I had resolved against it.
And so I am to tell you, that your letters, joined to the occasion ofthem, almost break the hearts of us all.
Were we sure you had seen your folly, and were truly penitent, and, atthe same time, that you were so very ill as you pretend, I know not whatmight be done for you. But we are all acquainted with your moving wayswhen you want to carry a point.
Unhappy girl! how miserable have you made us all! We, who used to visitwith so much pleasure, now cannot endure to look upon one another.
If you had not know, upon an hundred occasions, how dear you once was tous, you might judge of it now, were you to know how much your folly hasunhinged us all.
Naughty, naughty girl! You see the fruits of preferring a rake andlibertine to a man of sobriety and morals, against full warning, againstbetter knowledge. And such a modest creature, too, as you were! Howcould you think of such an unworthy preference!
Your mother can't ask, and your sister knows not in modesty how to ask;and so I ask you, if you have any reason to think yourself with child bythis villain?--You must answer this, and answer it truly, before anything can be resolved upon about you.
You may well be touched with a deep remorse for your misdeeds. Could Iever have thought that my doting-piece, as every one called you, wouldhave done thus? To be sure I loved you too well. But that is over now.Yet, though I will not pretend to answer for any body but myself, for myown part I say God forgive you! and this is all from
Your afflicted uncle,JOHN HARLOWE.
***
The following MEDITATION was stitched to the bottom of this letter withblack silk.
MEDITATION
O that thou wouldst hide me in the grave! that thou wouldst keep mesecret, till thy wrath be past!
My face is foul with weeping; and on my eye-lid is the shadow of death.
My friends scorn me; but mine eye poureth out tears unto God.
A dreadful sound is in my ears; in prosperity the destroyer came upon me!
I have sinned! what shall I do unto thee, O thou Preserver of men! whyhast thou set me as a mark against thee; so that I am a burden to myself!
When I say my bed shall comfort me; my couch shall ease my complaint;
Then thou scarest me with dreams, and terrifiest me through visions.
So that my soul chooseth strangling, and death rather than life.
I loath it! I would not live always!--Let me alone; for my days arevanity!
He hath made me a bye-word of the people; and aforetime I was as atabret.
My days are past, my purposes are broken off, even the thoughts of myheart.
When I looked for good, then evil came unto me; and when I waited forlight, then came darkness.
And where now is my hope?--
Yet all the days of my appointed time will I wait, till my change come.
LETTER LXXXV
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO JOHN HARLOWE, ESQ.THURSDAY, AUG. 10.
HONOURED SIR,
It was an act of charity I begged: only for a last blessing, that I mightdie in peace. I ask not to be received again, as my severe sister [Oh!that I had not written to her!] is pleased to say, is my view. Let thatgrace be denied me when I do.
I could not look forward to my last scene with comfort, without seeking,at least, to obtain the blessing I petitioned for; and that with acontrition so deep, that I deserved not, were it known, to be turned overfrom the tender nature of a mother, to the upbraiding pen of an uncle!and to be wounded by a cruel question, put by him in a shocking manner:and which a little, a very little time, will better answer than I can:for I am not either a hardened or shameless creature: if I were, I shouldnot have been so solicitous to obtain the favour I sued for.
And permit me to say that I asked it as well for my father and mother'ssake, as for my own; for I am sure they at least will be uneasy, after Iam gone, that they refused it to me.
I should still be glad to have theirs, and your's, Sir, and all yourblessings, and your prayers: but, denied in such a manner, I will notpresume again to ask it: relying entirely on the Almighty's; which isnever denied, when supplicated for with such true penitence as I hopemine is.
God preserve my dear uncle, and all my honoured friends! prays
Your unhappyCLARISSA HARLOWE.
END OF VOL. 7.
Clarissa Harlowe; or the history of a young lady — Volume 7 Page 82