Sorry, did you want to defend yourself? You were just a kid? It was an accident? There are worse ways to die? Not that it’s any of your fucking business, but yeah, sure, what happened to some of my friends up here was just as bad. My boy Pepper went blind after some fucking scientist at Maybelline or some shit poured mascara in his eyes. And some stoned idiot fed my ex, Darth Vader (yeah, that’s right, he was too high to realize she was a fucking girl), to his fucking boa constrictor. You know why? Because no one cares about us, ever. It’s like my buddy Morgan—this wise, old dark-brown gerbil up here—always says: a gerbil’s life is a life of assholes. Either assholes are putting stuff in us or we’re getting put in assholes—literally. Just in case you ever felt like walking a mile in anyone’s shoes but your own, which I highly fucking doubt.
At least I can fall asleep at night knowing you still have to walk around the planet as a sociopath, while I get to chill up here all day sipping on nail polish remover. Because guess what? That shit may be toxic, but it actually tastes pretty fucking delicious. Guess what else? Even though I died a virgin thanks to you, I get the last laugh there too. The second I got here, there were seventy-two virgin gerbils at my disposal, because our entire lives are goddamned suicide missions. Now we get to fuck like rabbits all day. Sometimes, if you’re a baller like me, we fuck actual rabbits.
Glug, glug, glug. Remind you of anyone you killed, dying? May that sound haunt your dreams tonight, psycho.
Rocket Feller (1989–1990)
Your Sister in Arizona, Who Owns Guns, Doesn’t Understand Your Taste in Men
heya not sure if you even use FB chat but i just noticed you changed your relationship status to single sorry gurrrrrl but can i say i always thought that dude was hella weird? i know you always say guys in nyc are different than here in arizona and I don’t get it but he always just seemed like a pussy to me haha. sorry but its just straight up weird that he went to coffee tastings (???) and all he talked about was weird bands no one’s ever heard of. and remember when i was visiting you and he kept giving me shit just cause i buy stuff from informercials (sp?). like who even cares dude you wear womens jeans. you just deserve hella better. i know you love the nyc life but if you ever moved to scottsdale you would get treated like a queen. just come down for a weekend at least and you can meet my hot neighbor mike whos a fireman and he just got divorced (he posts on my FB a lot if you wanna see pix). he thinks your cute too. check out the pic where hes straight up saving a cat out of a tree. YOU COULD BE THAT PUSSY hehe. sorry now im just being gross i love you hunny hang in there
xoxoxoxoox
Your Dad Would Like to Chime In about Your Latest Breakup
Dear Julie,
I spoke to your sister this afternoon to wish her a happy birthday. She mentioned that you and Miles decided to part ways.
I’m not surprised. I never felt Miles was right for you and always predicted this would happen.
Perhaps I made a mistake in not telling you at the time what was so obvious to everyone else. Next time, I will make sure to let you know my honest thoughts on your boyfriends as soon as I meet them, so you don’t waste as much time.
Love,
Dad
Your Grandma Rose Is Still Not Feeling This E-mail Thing
Julie, I still don’t get this. This is supposed to be time with you? I’m sitting here staring at a robot. Is this just the way of the world now? Some people here don’t mind. Maureen, who lives down the hall, has practically moved into the computer lab. She spends all day talking to her family on a video. Every night at dinner, she tells us about their lives as if any of us knows any of the people she’s talking about. Maureen’s a real dodo. She wears high heels every day even though none of us really leaves the building. Who is she trying to impress? God? That’s the other thing about Maureen—she’s very Catholic. Enough said.
Your Uncle Ken, Who Has Never Had a Girlfriend, Is Loving His Trip to Disney World
Heya, Family Feller!
Greetings from sunny Florida! I hope you’re all having a great holiday break. I know I am, just sitting here soaking up the tropical air and drinking Arnold Palmers by the pool. I feel like I’m on Gilligan’s Island! Or make that Treasure Island—the pool here at the hotel is built like a giant lagoon in the shape of mouse ears. Pretty neat.
I attached a file courtesy of Walt Disney & Co. Don’t worry—it’s not SPAM! It’s just a little advent calendar featuring Mickey and the rest of the gang. I know we’re Jewish, but I just thought it was fun, and they didn’t have a Hanukkah version. They did put up a big menorah by Splash Mountain this year, so that’s something!
Sending hugs,
Uncle Ken
PS—I just found out one of my students is a state quarterfinalist for the Rocky Mountain Science Prize! All my kids are really kicking butt this year.
Your Sister, Who Has Questions about Your Uncle’s Lifestyle, Has a Great Idea for His Birthday Gift
HEY GIRL HEY.
OK … i am gunna cut to the chase. u know how we think uncle Ken might be a virgin?
i know we have not discussed this for a couple yrs but I srsly doubt things have changed for that dude since then. like hes still saying innocent shit all the time like OH GOSH and JEEZ LOUISE haha. for real i know he’s a high school teacher so he is probably not allowed to swear at work but still what grown man says gosh who is not like a professional clown??? and remember last thanksgiving when we were watchin jeopardy after dinner and you asked if ppl wanted to watch something on hbo and he said he doesn’t even get hbo cause he doesn’t like watching “all that sexy stuff”!?!!!! like wtf are you afraid of seeing?! there is only one answer to that question … POON.
also lets be real here there is no way he has a woman in his life or she wd have pointed out that his pants are always like six inches too short and ugh his turtlenecks with all his dandruff on the shoulders. u would at least think his roommate wd point it out …
that’s the other thing—who has a fuckin roommate at his age?!
i am saying this out of concern for the man, u know i think Ken is srsly the sweetest person. remember when i went to stay with him by myself when mom n dad were workin their shit out (unsuccessfully, ha) and he taught me that song so i could remember all the planets in the solar system? the one time I actually got an A on a test LOL.
ok I promise there is a point to this email. so i was in vegas last wknd with kyle (guy I texted you about that I met last month @ gas station)? It was kind of a fuckin nightmare cause i thought we were gunna do fun stuff but all he wanted to do is spend the whole time at this weird illegal dogfight (??? Don’t ask—why do i pick these men??????) and as u know i am really into animal rights so i couldn’t fuckin deal … so i ended up just hangin at our hotel bar getting trashed solo. it actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise cuz I met this really nice girl at the bar. her name is Bree and we started chatting and ended up chillin the whole night and going to PF Changs together cause she knows the manager and he gave us tons of free shit. Anyway soooooooo it actually turned out Bree is a hooker????? and she was in the middle of telling me that she just had sex with this older dude who was a virgin and it sparked an idea since Ken’s 50th bday is coming up … u can probly see where i am going with this …
SHOULD WE HIRE BREE FOR UNCLE KENS BDAY ANONYMOUSLY??!?!?!
if he really is a virgin this wd solve his entire life. and it wd never get traced back to us. Ken would never suspect us. if anything he wd probably just think one of the other teachers at his school did it or his roommate or whatever, or one of the guys he plays in that indoor racket ball (sp?) league with. (btw racket ball = more evidence). all we wd have to do is pay for Bree to drive to denver and show up @ his house. I already asked her what the price wd be and she said she would do it for $250 and we laughed about how it is another meaning of the saying FRIENDS AND FAMILY RATE. srsly i really think Ken wd be into her. you know how he has that pic of that black and white actress on his fridge? i forget he
r name but Bree kinda looks like her a little bit. and shes not like super young shes middle aged … i think shes like 33?
OMG AND GUESS WHAT ELSE I CANT BELIEVE I FORGOT TO MENTION THISSSSSSS she loves jeopardy and she actually remembers when uncle Ken was on it!!!!!!!
OMGOMGOMG what if they fall in love and then next thxgiving uncle Ken brings her home to moms and hes like everyone meet my girlfriend she’s a brain surgeon or whatever and only we know the secret…!!!
kk ill stop till I hear back from you but if u wanna check Bree out i attached a link to her FB here. fuck is that illegal since i am not in Nevada right now where sex slavery is allowed or whatever? I am so not trying to get arrested right now. Whatev, ill be like officer i plead guilty of trying to make sure my favorite uncle doesn’t die a fuckin virgin! then I wd just have uncle Ken come down to the station to testify and the cop would take one look at him and be like oh ok I get it jane u are free to go hahaha.
no but for real dude think about this proposal cuz i seriously think im a genius.
love
me
Ps—what if the joke is actually on us and uncle Ken is one of those super dorky dudes who secretly goes to sex dungeons and does super fucked up shit in his spare time like hanging from the ceiling from his nipples hahahaha omg why did I just give myself that mental image …
Your Mother’s Goddaughter, Who Crashed with You for Many Days, Is Sorry She Didn’t Have Any Time to Hang Out
J,
I think you’re still asleep so just leaving you this note. Thanks for letting Ellie and I crash @ your apartment! We had a great time in NYC. Best long weekend ever.
Sucks we didn’t get to hang out at all! I just had a lot of people to see in the city, including a bunch of friends from my year abroad in London who live here now. They have really tight schedules because they’re all doing really cool things here.
Sorry about the confusion last night btw—I thought we had said we MIGHT meet you at that pub after dinner, but I guess you thought that was a set plan. Anyway, hope you weren’t waiting too long. We ended up at this crazy house party in the W. Village that turned out to be Mischa Barton from The O.C.’s apartment. Not sure if you watch that show but she’s like ridiculously beautiful. Anyway, we were there till like 4:00 a.m. and by the time I got home and got your voice mails (my phone was dead) you were asleep!
See ya soon—maybe when we’re both home for Passover (my mom said your mom wants to host a seder together?) if I end up going. I might be going to St. Lucia with my friend Cait.
R
PS—I think we used all the toilet paper in your loo (aka bathroom—I still use all these English words and phrases from my year abroad).
Your Grandma Rose Isn’t So Sure about California
Julie, I heard you’re leaving New York and moving to LA. Why are you doing that? You’re a smart girl.
Don’t tell me there’s a man in the picture. There are plenty of men around here, and they have a lot more going on upstairs, if you know what I mean.
Your Dad, Who Was a Doctor by Twenty-Five, Just Heard about Your Entry-Level Day Job
Julie,
I just visited Dr. Leung, who as you know also continues to have your mother as a dental patient. She alerted me that you have acquired a position as a contributor at the Huffington Post and will be relocating to Los Angeles accordingly. While I have always found Arianna Huffington’s view of international politics reductive and her pan-European accent cacophonous, I have no doubt that your “beat” writing quotidian updates about celebrities will require minimal mental exertion, preserving your energies for more creative pursuits. Mazel tov.
Dad
Your Mom Thinks You Should Be Very Proud!
Hi sweetheart!
How are you settling in to life in LA? I just tried to send you a text message from my computer using “I Messages” like you showed me, but I’m in Denver visiting Uncle Ken and I don’t think that program works in Colorado. I’m going to see if Ken can drive me to the Apple Store once he gets home from work so one of the “Geniuses” can help me out. I’m sure all I need to do is buy some new files to get it up and running.
I just couldn’t wait to tell you I read your first piece on www.huffingtonpost.com! I know you said this is just a day job for you since your goal is to be a novelist, but I thought it was fabulous! I’m very interested to hear more about how you got the idea to write about this topic. Had you always wondered which celebrities have the worst skin, or did your editor give you the assignment? Did you get to choose which celebrities you profiled, or is that something you will get the chance to do once you’ve been working there a little longer? Did you have to consult with a dermatologist for research? Whenever you get the chance to reply, I’d love to hear all the details!
I would also love to hear what the response has been to your work. Do you know if Arianna Huffington has had a chance to read the piece? I’ve always liked Arianna Huffington. A few weeks ago, I heard an interview with her on NPR, where she spoke very candidly about going through a divorce in the late 1990s with two young children. There was something very luminous about her that came through, even on the radio, though she was discussing a topic that I’m sure was very complicated for her. She seems like a very vibrant and fun-loving person. If I ever meet Arianna Huffington, I’ll make sure to tell her about the Greek restaurant I worked at in college, Symposium. I bet she and I would have a lot in common!
With mountains and lakes of love,
Mom
PS—I hope it’s okay that I showed Ken’s roommate, Ron, your piece. He agrees with you about Cameron Diaz, though we both think she is still very pretty.
Your Hot Cousin Paul, on the Fact That You Accidentally Just Swiped Right on Each Other’s Tinders
Ummmmmmmmm yeah so that happened.
I’m down in the den (0.0 miles away from your room, ha) watching True Detective if you want to join me.
Holidays, man.
Your Little Sister, Whose Last Boyfriend Worked Part-Time at a Tire Store, Thinks Your Taste in Men Is Improving
U there????????
Ugh bitch stop leaving your FB open cause u get my hopes up!!!!!
I just wanted to let u know I stalked that dude Raj u are dating and HE IS SO FUCKIN HOT. def better than yr usual type of pastyass white dudes that look like homeless ppl.
Girl, get it.
Your Mom, Who Lives Alone in a Condo, Is Extremely Excited about Your New Boyfriend
Hi honey,
I can’t stop thinking about my visit to Los Angeles and that wonderful lunch we had with Raj last weekend. First of all, I thought the restaurant he found for us on Yelp.com was just fabulous. I’ll definitely be telling my friend Yona, from temple, about it—she’s planning a visit to LA soon to visit her daughter Elyse at Scripps College, where she’s studying biology.
I also wanted to let you know that I figured out how to download Raj’s album on iTunes, so you can disregard the messages I left you. I had to make a stop at Best Buy to pick up a new microwave, and they helped me figure it out. Please tell him I really enjoyed it! It was really evocative. Not just the lyrics—although I thought the line about waking up in Vegas after too much whiskey was very unique.
I also loved the way each song was infused with some subtle influences that felt distinct to his heritage. Even though Raj’s music is in a very different genre, listening to his album reminded me of one of my favorite memories of being at Barnard—going to Greenwich Village with friends to hear Ravi Shankar perform in a darkened club. I hope it doesn’t make you uncomfortable that I’m sharing this, but that was the night I tried magic mushrooms. I have such vivid memories of standing on the roof of a taxicab as it sped back uptown to the campus, hopping back and forth between various taxicabs as they stopped at red lights, just for fun.
In hindsight, I’m sure I was hallucinating and was actually inside the cab.
Anyway, please tell Raj he has a big fan in me—and not just because
I’m your mother. I really do love all different styles of music. I remember during my year in Holland, I spent a lot of time listening to traditional Turkish music in a hookah bar down the block from where I was staying—just a couple blocks from the “Red Light District,” which as you can imagine in those days was pretty wild!
Thinking back, I can’t help but wonder how many of those women became afflicted with various sexually transmitted diseases—it was the sexual revolution, and we didn’t know what we know now about AIDS, etc.
One more thing. I wanted to know, just for my own information: is “Raj” short for something? I know traditionally it means “king,” and that name really seems to fit him! He has very elegant bone structure. There’s something almost regal and timeless about it, like pictures I remember reading in the Ramayana in my religion survey course as an undergraduate. And his smile is very mischievous! It’s almost like he just heard a secret he’s dying to tell, but knows he can’t. I see why you find him so intriguing.
Love,
Mom
Your Grandma Rose Has Some Questions about Your Interracial Relationship
Julie, Thank you for visiting me last week and introducing me to your friend. I appreciated that he held the door open for me when we went out for ice cream. Your mother just told me on the phone that he was Muslim. I thought he was just Indian. Does he know you’re Jewish?
Try to tell him before too much time passes. In my experience, it’s best to give people that information as soon as possible. What they do with it is up to them.
Nuclear Family Page 4