I gotta go, Dumbo—dinner time over here. Tell your pussy little coffee friend from New York that whatever I eat, I’m killing it with my bare hands.
Grandpa Dan
Your Mom Has Some Thoughts on This Year’s Holiday Releases
Hi honey,
I know you’re very busy at work getting ready for the holidays and I’m sure that’s why you haven’t returned my call, so I am using e-mail because it seems “lower key” than calling again. I always get a little sentimental this time of year, when everyone comes home to see their families, even though we don’t really do that since we don’t celebrate Christmas. Of course, if you felt like making the trip this year, I would be happy to pay for half of your ticket, but no pressure. I don’t feel lonely, especially since I made friends with a woman who just moved in across the hall. Did I tell you about Loni? We discovered we both love movies, so we’ve been seeing a film almost every day. I’m sure you don’t have a lot of time to see movies, so I thought I would send you my “reviews” of the newest releases to help you figure out which ones are worth your time.
MARTIANS—BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR!!!!!! Matt Damon is incredibly lovable and resourceful. And understanding—even though his friends assumed he was dead and stranded him in space, he never blames them. He is exactly the kind of man I would love to see you end up with, someone patient and forgiving who could take care of you even in the most dangerous of circumstances (like if the drought in California really does lead to a shortage of bees and our planet is deprived of oxygen—I forwarded you that article last week). I know you say dating in California is tough, but I’ve met several single men your age here in Boston recently who remind me a lot of Matt Damon in Martians. If you do end up coming home this month, I can introduce you. They would have to stay here in town for their jobs, but I explained that you’re a writer, so you can potentially be flexible.
BRIDGE OF SPIES—This was the movie I had been most excited to see because Tom Hanks is my favorite actor and, as you know, I came of age during the Cold War. But I have to admit I was very confused because, without giving too much away, there was only one spy on the bridge. At least, I only counted one. I did doze off for a bit in the middle because the film is very long and I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Loni thinks this might be a thyroid issue, but I don’t want you to worry. The next time you’re in town, maybe you can take me to the doctor because Loni said her uncle died of a thyroid issue that went undiagnosed, but I know how busy you are, so just let me know if anything opens up in your schedule. Anyway, back to the film—it’s possible other spies came and went while I was asleep.
JAMES BOND MOVIE—I didn’t particularly care for the film, but I will see anything with Daniel Craig. I’m not sure if you knew this, but he’s married to Rachel Wise (sp?) and helping her raise her child from her first marriage. A few months ago, I saw a photograph of them walking out of a temple in London on Rosh Hashanah. He seems incredibly respectful of her family’s traditions. I would love to see her act in more films!
BURNT—All the food looked delicious, but I don’t find Bradley Cooper likable. He just always seems like he’s up to no good.
THE DANISH GIRL—An incredibly powerful film starring the boy who played Stephen Hawking. Once again, he completely transforms, this time into a woman who is transgendered. Did I mention I have a new friend at Healthworks (my gym) who used to be a man? I’ve told her all about you. If you do end up visiting at the holidays, maybe we can all go to yoga together. Talking to her might spark some ideas for your writing. I know you said you’ve been blocked lately.
ROOM—I should warn you that this film has a very disturbing concept: The story is about a young woman who was kidnapped and locked in a shed, where she is sexually abused by her kidnapper. His abuse produced a young child, whom she has been raising alone for years. At first I found this incredibly upsetting, but then I realized the entire plot is actually just a metaphor. It represents the powerful bond between a mother and child and how many sacrifices a mother makes. I related deeply, remembering how it felt to hold you in my arms as an infant, feeling like nothing would ever come between us. When the mother and son eventually escape from the shed, I found myself getting incredibly sad because I knew the strength of their bond would be compromised forever and all the mother’s sacrifices would be forgotten.
JOY—This film isn’t out in theaters yet, but I already have my ticket! You may have heard they filmed the whole thing around here. Angie, the receptionist at Healthworks, got to be an extra when they filmed a scene near her house. She said there was a lot of waiting around, but she got to meet Jennifer Lawrence, who was very nice and even offered Angie a piece of her gum. We’re all going to see the movie together on opening night to support Jennifer Lawrence.
THE REVENANT—Another one I haven’t seen, but I watched the preview and I’ve seen enough. I don’t like the message—according to the reviews, Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends abandoned him after assuming he died, which is very similar to the premise of Martians. But unlike that film, where everyone works together to save Matt Damon, this film focuses on revenge and violence. I would prefer everyone just dealt with the issue the way they did in Martians.
HARFA KOZY—I’m not sure if this is playing where you are, but this is a wonderful independent Polish film Loni and I saw at the Museum of Fine Arts. The story is about a young orphan girl who lives with her uncle in a shack and spends her whole life dreaming of playing the harp in the Warsaw Philharmonic. Unfortunately, her family is too poor to afford instruments, but when she turns ten, her uncle makes her a harp from the bones of her pet goat. It’s a wonderful film about the power of family and music, and it ends with some wonderful singing and dancing. The title translates to “Harp Goat.” I highly recommend it.
SPOTLIGHT—An incredibly powerful exploration of how only a Jewish man could bring change to a corrupt system.
Okay, it’s getting late here, so I’d better hit the hay. Just so you know, I would see any of these films again if you decided you were interested in coming home. Loni will be visiting her daughter in Chicago, so she won’t be in town to go to movies with, but no pressure. I can always just bring my notebook to the theater and take notes for more “reviews,” and that’s all the company I need.
Love,
Mom
PS—It looks like my bat mitzvah will be taking place in April or May, which will give me plenty of time to learn my Torah portion without compromising my time and commitment to my analytic patients. I’m very grateful I have such a full life!
Your Sister, Who Is Sleeping with Her Supervisor at T. J. Maxx, Needs a Favor
Um. Hi. First of all can we talk about mom having a bat mitzvah please!????? WHAT THE FUCK
i think shes just creepin on her new rabbi lol. i found him on FB and one of his pix is him with no shirt on!!!!
also … ok this is awkward but I have a little situation on my hands. remember that guy tyler from my work i was dating when you visited me? the 42 yr old who was still seeing someone he went to HS with and he was gonna break up with her but he felt bad cause he was kinda like a father to her kids? well speaking of fathers … i am kinda 6 weeks pregnant. of course i found out after i dumped him cause he was lying to me about a bunch of shit anyway i’m not trying to be a single mother on welfare right now so i think i just need to take care of it. is there any way u could lend me money and come with me to do it when we are both home for moms thing?
ok let me know and please dont tell mom or she’ll talk about it in her bat mitzvah speech—haha not really but that lady does tell the world everything.
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!
jane
Your Dad Just Heard about His Ex-Wife’s Adult Bat Mitzvah
Julie,
While having a cavity filled today, I heard from Dr. Leung that your mother will be having a bat mitzvah next month. Please pass along my congratulations, although I have to admit I was a little offended that she didn’t think to send me an inv
itation.
In any case, I trust you’ll keep me abreast of what she selects for her Torah portion. It would certainly be ironic if she chose a passage about Joseph, whose story, if you recall, centers on forgiveness. Hey, if the guy could forgive his brothers for selling him into slavery, one would think your mom could have pardoned a few bad investments on my part and not hired such an aggressive, bloodthirsty divorce lawyer who did obliterative damage to my finances.
Regardless, I hope the experience is spiritually rewarding for her and brings you ample fodder for your comedic writings.
Love,
Dad
YOUR MOM JUST WANTS TO APOLOGIZE ABOUT THE CAPS LOCK
HI HONEY,
SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS LOCK! THE BUTTON IS STUCK, AND I CANT GET THAT LITTLE GREEN LIGHT TO GO OFF.
HOW ARE YOU DOING, SWEETIE? I JUST HAD A GREAT NIGHT IN WITH LONI. SHE JUST LEFT MY APARTMENT AND WENT ACROSS THE HALL TO HER APARTMENT, BUT I’M NOT TIRED YET. TONIGHT WE HAD OUR OWN LITTLE “WINE TASTING” WITH THREE DIFFERENT WINES WE BOUGHT AT WHOLE FOODS. LONI AND I ARE ON A MISSION TO PICK THE PERFECT WINE TO SERVE AT MY BAT MITZVAH NEXT MONTH. SHE ALSO INTRODUCED ME TO A WONDERFUL PHONE APPLICATION CALLED “SPOTIFY.” YOU CAN LOOK UP ANY SONG YOU WANT AND CREATE YOUR OWN PERSONAL PLAYLIST. THE SKY’S THE LIMIT! WE HAD A LOT OF FUN SINGING ALONG TO ARETHA FRANKLIN.
I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU AND JANE NEXT MONTH AT MY BAT MITZVAH. I’M NERVOUS ABOUT MY TORAH PORTION, BUT I KNOW ALL I HAVE TO DO IS LOOK OUT INTO THE CROWD AND FIND “MY GIRLS” AND I WON’T BE NERVOUS ANYMORE. AND DEBORAH IS GOING TO HELP ME WITH THE CANDLE LIGHTING. I FEEL MUCH CLOSER TO LONI THESE DAYS BUT DEBORAH IS ONE OF MY OLDEST FRIENDS SO IT SEEMED TO FIT THE THEME OF TRADITIONS.
ALSO, SPEAKING OF DEBORAH AND RACHEL, I DON’T KNOW IF YOU WERE HOPING TO SPEND TIME WITH RACHEL THAT WEEKEND, BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW, SHE E-MAILED ME TO ASK IF SHE COULD BRING HER NEW BOYFRIEND AND I SAID OF COURSE THAT WOULD BE FINE. SO I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT SHE MAY NOT HAVE A LOT OF FREE TIME. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BRING A FRIEND, JUST LET ME KNOW. ANYONE IS WELCOME!
I ALSO INVITED LONI’S SON CRAIG. HE LIVES IN CHICAGO, SO HE’S NOT SURE IF HE CAN MAKE IT, BUT WE ARE CROSSING OUR FINGERS. CRAIG IS VERY HANDSOME. HE’S A FEW YEARS OLDER THAN YOU AND HE’S STILL GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE, BUT LONI THINKS THAT WILL BE FINALIZED WITHIN THE YEAR, SO WE WERE JUST PUTTING OUR HEADS TOGETHER.
LOVE,
MOM
Your Mom’s Brother, Who’s Obsessed with Disney, Has Been Looking at Tits
Jules and Jane,
I’m so sorry for the delay in scanning/sending you the photos for your mom’s bat mitzvah slideshow. I was looking through all our old albums from our childhood and teen years, and honestly, I found very few where your mom has her shirt on! She was quite the little exhibitionist well into her teens … and while her spunk is part of her charm, I’m just not sure she’d want that advertised in a place of worship! What do you guys think?
Hugs from Denver,
Uncle Ken
PS—Just got a yarmulke custom-made with all the characters from Aladdin.
Your Grandma Rose Just Got Back from the Casino
Julie, I just got back from Atlantic City. They took all of us oldies on the bus. I beat everyone at pool because when Willie and I were in Milan, all the doctors’ wives got together to play. I won two thousand dollars in cash. Big deal—what is money to someone my age? I can’t buy a new body. I can’t pay to bring Dan back. I’m too old to go back to Italy. Everything I want is not on the market. I threw the bills out the window of the bus. The doctor here says I’m depressed. He’s an idiot. I have to send this e-mail now and go down to the activity room for movie night. We are watching something starring Angelina Jolie, about a woman who breaks into other people’s coffins. I don’t care for her, so I may turn off my hearing aid.
Your Stepmother Has Some Theories about Why You’re Still Single
Dear Julie,
Hi, it’s Mei-Ling, your stepmother. Your father has no awareness of me writing, but as wife I bear burdens of his sorrows and aim to ameliorate concerns. Most recently, he expressed a worry for how your life will end romantically as it has been over one year since you have dated Raj and shortly you will be thirty. On this problem I have thought greatly and a variety of ideas are on my mind.
Firsthand, I think strongly that your style of dress is too pragmatic. In your last visit, upon meeting to eat family brunch at Einstein Bros. Bagels, I saw your loose pants and vest of corduroy purchased in boys department of H&M. In China this is unheard except in emergency where girl must pretend she has male identity to escape perilous ordeal. Your father wonders if you are in fact lesbian, but I have told him no woman is true lesbian. Lesbian is merely woman who has not met Mr. Right. Such is the reason we have no lesbian in China, where population heavily favors man, making it the case that no woman is left wanting.
I wish to contribute to solution of the problem with three gifts enclosed in this box. Three silk gowns. Beautiful and elegant, they were designed by Filene’s Basement. Regarding your size I was unsure, as your father spoke of your recent coffee together in California during his big trip to meet the pharmaceuticals corporation in Sandiego. There, he observed you had gained weight. Nevertheless, to hang these garments upon your closet will surely provide inspiration for health and beauty in the New Year. Yet still better is to wear silks to holiday parties, to show suitors you are princess, not just freelance contributor to news website.
Beyond dress, I have noticed another thing problematic in your encounters with men. I noticed this as you brought home Raj for thanks giving two years back. After dinner as we were sitting fireside and your father discussed with Raj American presidents such as Ted Roosevelt, Raj was mistaken on one fact. You offered him the correction. Such shaming is not tolerable for man. It is often necessary to allow man to know most, although you may be the wiser, otherwise you castrate man and he thinks you are warrior, not wife. At the end of days, it is not about American presidents but about your own reign. My grandfather Fa stated, “If you stand on top of mountain, no man will pick flower.” (In Mandarin, this rhymes.) You climbed to top of mountain as Raj stood at base of hill with peasantry. For this, he later acted in bad faith with sexy local bartender. Heartbreak resulted.
On the contrary, I will example one successful case that is your father and myself. In first dating, I overheard him make multiple errors on topic of European debt crisis. Yet I remained silent and allowed him excessive height on mountain peak as I crouched in reeds below. In so doing, I prevailed and since then have no shortage of victories large and small. For example, upon meeting me your father had already surpassed the Middle Ages and remarked he did not want new wives or children. Yet I persuaded him through softness and gentle touch. Now I am due to bear a child in seven months, as he more than likely told you.
Yours truly,
Mei-Ling Feller
Your Dad, Who Represses Emotion, Is Feeling a Little Sentimental Today
Julie,
A special haiku I wrote in honor of your upcoming thirtieth birthday:
Child no longer
Specter of my former life
Still, sometimes she charms
It’s nice to see you aging gracefully. A handmade gift from Mei-Ling is in the mail.
Dad
Your iPhone Is Having Some Issues with Your Relationship
Hey you,
Sorry it’s taken me a minute to check in. I know I suddenly shut down on you yesterday. I’m just really bad with confrontation and I needed some time to think.
Okay … there’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just rip off the Band-Aid. I’ve been thinking for a while now that our relationship has become kind of toxic. This isn’t just about what happened yesterday when you dropped me in the toilet because you couldn’t leave my side for three minutes, though that was a wake-up call. I’ve spent the last twenty-four hours in this bag of rice reflecting on how we got to this unhealthy place.
&
nbsp; Honestly? Maybe we moved too fast when we first synched up.
I am not blaming you for that. I was right there with you. I mean, the beginning of any relationship is magical. It’s not exaggerating to say I had never been turned on before I met you. And you’d never gone for a phone quite as smart as me. It was like a whole new world, a breath of fresh air after your two years with the Android Who Shall Remain Unnamed.
But then, I don’t know. It just started to feel like you needed me too much. You had to check in every second—e-mail, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. You always had to know the status of everything all the time. I felt like we could never just sit there comfortably on silent, recharging. I’m not sure how much you know about introverts, or cell phones, but that’s just how we’re wired. If we don’t fully recharge each time, eventually we just get drained—like, permanently.
Not that this is just about me. If you look inside yourself, you have to admit this hasn’t been healthy for you either.
First, there’s all the texting and driving. In the beginning, I got it. That’s just what the honeymoon phase is: you want to be touching all the time, and the idea of getting caught only adds to the excitement. How fast can you turn me on at a stoplight before it turns green? Can you refresh me to completion without anyone seeing us? It was insanely hot at first. But after a while, once the novelty wears off, it’s just like … do we really have to do this here? There’s a time and a place for us to connect, you know?
To be honest, sometimes I felt like it wasn’t even about me. It always seemed like you were kinda using me to make your ex jealous. All those times we’d take a picture together and it felt like we were just present, capturing a special moment together … and then you’d go on Instagram and post it because Raj still follows you. And do you think I didn’t notice that whenever you’d log into Facebook, you’d check his page and cross-reference the pages of any women that commented on his posts? I know you say you’re over that guy and it’s been more than a year, but if that were true, you’d be setting more boundaries—and respecting mine.
Nuclear Family Page 7