I hope you’re not sitting there wondering if your mom has lost her marbles. Quite the opposite! I have never felt clearer than I do right now—it’s as though I’m “returning to my roots,” taking risks in my life, like I did when I was still in school and traveled all over Europe by myself, before I met your father and life took me in a more traditional direction. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy all the pleasures of my life raising you and your sister—and even certain aspects of my marriage to your dad, especially early on. But like Jane Fonda, I have never been a conventional woman at heart. And I won’t be taking this leap alone. I have a partner on this journey: someone who has been a wonderful companion to me for the past few years.
(Of course, when I use words like “partner” and “companion” to describe my relationship with Loni, I mean them in a metaphoric sense. There has never been anything physical between us. But I’m not ruling anything out! As Jane Fonda says, life is long…)
I know this is a lot to process. I just wanted to tell you as soon as I could. It didn’t feel right to have this secret bursting out of me and not be sharing it with my girls. I just sent a similar e-mail to your sister as well. Just give me a call when you have a chance.
In the meantime, maybe I’ll send you a copy of this “pod cast” for your birthday!
Love,
Mom
PS—Even though you’re not familiar with my new “neighborhood,” I want you to feel free to use my new house as a home base. Jane Fonda talks a lot about how important it is to make sure your children feel like they still have a mother, even when they’re adults. She talks to each of her children all the time. Her son, Troy, is an actor on a show on HBO about football players called Ballers, which sounds very interesting.
Your Sister, Who Works in Retail in Arizona, Has to Tell You about Kimmel Last Night
HEY FAMOUS WRITER SISTER ARE U THERE I GOTTA TALK TO UUUU
Ugh OK I guess you just left your chat window open. fuck my shift is starting in a minute so i will just leave this message here and u can catch up whenever u get back …
So I was watchin Kimmel last night cuz as u know I fuckin love that man, and he had this dude on his show who just sold his company for 40 million dollars and it’s a company that comes to yr house and gives u massages?!?!?! Ummmm is that the dude Grandma Rose set u up with? The one u slept with even though u werent attracted to him but u drank way too much then and u were like what the fuck am I doing and then he flipped his shit on you???
Well ummmmm u should watch this interview cause I think u are mentioned in it?? He kept talkin about how women have never appreciated him but now theyre all gunna be sorry cuz hes so rich and he told Kimmel this story about how he once let his grandma set him up and the girl like led him on? He’s all, watch Jimmy now shes gunna be like blowin up my shit. And Kimmel was like should we call her? Let’s get her on the phone right now!!!! And I was like OMFG my sisters voice is about to be on national television!!!!!! But then he said he deleted yr number.
wait actually … if u do watch this interview I am just warning u that he tells jimmy kimmel you had hairy nipples. U should just know that. i was like oh whatever dude u still fuckin stalked her so obviously it didn’t bother u at the time!!!!! and whatever he has crazy eyes. I kept remembering yr story about how u woke up in his house and everything was made of fuckin steel and leather like he was a criminal on one of those fucked up shows mom watches where dudes chop up women (btw why does our mother watch that shit again lol??? that lady is seriously disturbed).
u should email that dude and tell him he should be thanking u right now cuz obviously the only reason he is so successful now is bc he had a taste of yr sweet sweet lovin hahaha. u shd put this on yr dating profile. Like hey boyz if u sleep with me U WILL BECOME A FUCKING MILLIONAIRE. Like in OMG whats the name of that fairy tale about the King that everything he touched turned to gold … oh ya Midas!
U HAVE THE MIDAS VAGINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
O fuck im gonna be so late gotta run. Call me when u get this—I also have to tell u how I got this racist asshole at my work fired.
xxxxxxxx
Your Dad’s Friend Who Makes You a Little Uncomfortable Always Knew You Could Do It
Dear Julie,
I saw your dad today on the mainland, while attending the New England Journal of Medicine’s annual awards ceremony (I was honored for my research on the suicidality risks of Accutane). He told me the good news about finding a publisher for your first book!
I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t see this coming. I knew you had the talent and dedication, and that it was just a matter of time before the whole world saw in you what I always have.
I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out for us to get together any of the times I’ve been in California over the past few years (now I see what you were always so busy with!), but the next time you’re home visiting your parents, drop me a line. I’d love to celebrate with you. I always have business in Boston I can attend to with some advance notice, and there’s no better way to toast professional success than with Misquamicut oysters at the Charles Hotel’s bar, Noir.
In fact, I’m sitting there right now with a crisp glass of 2004 Laurent-Perrier Alexandra Rosé and the latest Harper’s, and I’m raising my glass to you.
With admiration,
Larry Shepherd
Your Sister, Who Has a Career Now, Is Freaking the Fuck Out on the Job
JULIE OMGOMGOMG I JUST GOT THE EMAIL FROM ALITALIA AIRLINES!!!!
ARE U SURE ABOUT THIS!!!!?!?!???
Dude for real tho this is like the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. U do NOT have to do this just bc I got my EMT certificate! I mean I know its also to celebrate yr book but … ugh I feel bad I never do anything for you!!!!!!!!!!
Hahaha anyway I am so fucking touched that u want to spend part of yr book money on this! Srsly I just cried when I opened this email and everyone in the EMT van thought I was upset bc we just watched this old dude die after he hit a tree with his car and I had to be like, um oh no actually I was just crying tears of joy bc my sister is super famous now and wants to take me to Italy for a week to fuckin enjoy life? Which this old man no longer has???? ugh I’m such a little bitch how did I even pass my exam in the first place hahaha mysteries of the universe.
So I guess we will be going to the airport straight from Moms house after Thanksgiving! OMG watch she is gonna try to come with us in our suitcases … But I agree with u that we shd ask her to give us a list of all the places Grandma Rose talked about from when she lived there so we can go. In other news we all know Grandma Rose loved wine so we will definitely be drinking a shit ton of that in her honor! Hahahaha
Thank u so much dude. Im soooooo fuckin proud of u too. I know how hard u have been working for this and I am glad u will get a chance to finally relax for a second!
I LOVE YOU,
Jane
Ps—Do I need a passport to go to Italy? I don’t think I have one!
Your Mom’s Rabbi’s TV Show May Actually Become a Thing
Dear Julie,
I am reaching out as the coordinator of television drama at ShondaLand to let you know that our company will officially be moving forward with Untitled Rabbinical School Drama, created by Rabbi Josh Salz. Rabbi Josh approached me with the concept over the high holidays last fall, as my parents are also members of his congregation (I grew up in Needham), and Shonda felt his idea fit perfectly with our company’s mandate to combine groundbreaking racial diversity, political commentary, and positive examples of modern women exercising their liberated sexuality in worlds where we’ve never seen that before, like the infant ICU or the White House Situation Room.
This e-mail serves to confirm that you have no legal claim regarding Untitled Rabbinical School Drama. Rabbi Josh mentioned he was briefly in contact with you two seasons ago, but that you did not develop the project in any way or offer any helpful feedback. He forwarded your brief e-mail correspondence to our legal counsel to
confirm that none of your notes were incorporated into our pitch. Our decision to remove the threesome from the episode where Rabbi Jake counsels survivors of a school shooting was due to the fact that we have a similar story line in an upcoming episode of How to Get Away with Murder and completely unrelated to your suggestion that there was a tone problem.
Do not hesitate to contact our legal department if you have any questions, but please do not contact ShondaLand attempting to submit your work for future employment. We do not accept unsolicited submissions.
Sincerely,
Jordan Sokoloff
(Dictated but not read)
Coordinator, TV Drama
ShondaLand
Your Mom Finished Reading the Book You Based on Your Family
Julie,
I only have a minute, so I’ll make this quick. Loni and I are about to go into town to the farmer’s market, and we often find ourselves getting lost there for hours tasting the various cheeses and jams. Today, we have the important task of outfitting our guest bathroom with toiletries, so we will be spending most of our time at the kiosk of a wonderful local woman with very long gray hair. She calls herself S, but I’m not sure what that stands for. She makes her hand soap out of recycled bottles. I’m not sure exactly how one does that, but she offered to give us a demonstration today, provided that she is able to get her son to come help her out at the stand. I’ve seen her son there with her a couple of times. Sometimes he brings his fiddle to the market, but he never turns his case over to collect money. He just plays for the love of music. I’m not sure if he’s your “type,” but maybe when you come for Thanksgiving we’ll take a walk down there and you can see what you think.
But for now—I just had to let you know that Loni and I printed out your book and stayed up late last night reading the whole thing. We both thought it was fabulous! You’ve always had such a vivid imagination, creating entire worlds and characters out of thin air. Like the character of the mother who is always claiming she wants to lighten her daughter’s load while subtly piling on more burdens. She is just so over the top! It’s almost like she’s an allegory for something grander, possibly even biblical. She was probably my favorite character, even though I personally related to the others much more. Maybe when you visit us at Thanksgiving, you can tell us where you got the idea to write about someone like that.
One last thing before I forget: it turns out Carly Simon is going to be performing at the Cultural Arts Center in Lenox the day after Thanksgiving. I think she may have some family around here she’s planning to spend the holiday with. I hope it’s okay with you and Jane that we bought tickets for everyone. We wanted to check first, but it was very early in the morning and we didn’t want the tickets to sell out. We had a great time waking up at dawn to go down to the box office—I remember storming the gates of Madison Square Garden for Joni Mitchell tickets in college!
Okay, the natives are getting restless. By that I mean Loni is ringing the bell on her bike basket. Did I tell you we bought bikes? I guess what they say is true—you never forget how to ride. You just have to get back up on one and try.
With galaxies of love,
Mom
Your Sister Finished Reading the Book You Based on Your Family
Bahahahaahahahahahahaahahhahahahahah this shit is amazeballs.
Ok I have to admit i was a little nervous when u said u were writing a book about yr family cause i was like, what if i come off like some fuckin scrub-like bastard sister u never wanted to adopt or something … dunno why i thought that—it’s not u it’s me—but damn i guess i need some more self esteem cause I come off awesome if i do say so myself!!! also thx for changing the names of some of the dudes (and um, one woman) whose hearts I broke over the years. always good to protect the innocent LOL.
ok and um speaking of loveeeeeeee … i have some news. im kinda bringing a dude home for thanksgiving … and u have actually met him. ok remember uncle ron’s nephew bridger who shared our condo in key west? so last week he was driving thru AZ on his way to cali (he is moving there to work for a construction company) and texted me about having lunch … long story short we did not leave my house all weekend haha. i guess he kinda had a religious crisis sparked by that whole fucked up thing with his family about his uncle being gay and totally left the church???? then i guess he spent a year boning his way thru Utah LOL gotta make up for lost time!
anyway yah so his family doesn’t really talk to him anymore which sucks but hes doin ok. he just didn’t have any thanksgiving plans so i invited him to come with me to Moms weird house in the middle of nowhere haha. he’ll just fly home when we go to Italy. I haven’t told mom im bringing him yet but u know her, she’ll be all EVERYONE LETS ALL GIVE THANKS FOR HOW BRAVE BRIDGER IS FOR LISTENING TO HIS HEART. this time u have to talk to him more—hes so fuckin smart and sweet and just like a good person I dunno. before he left he asked if he could come with me in the ambulance for my shift just out of curiosity and we had to pick up this tiny baby after she fell out of her crib and the way he was holding her and talking to her i was like awwwwwwwand then i was like uh oh jane u are so fucked.
K I gotta go shove some food in my face now and work a night shift. cant wait to see u next week at moms—how much do we wanna bet mom and loni have started sleeping together? JK omg i just gagged from that thought, so much for having dinner right now.
Wait omg dude WHAT DID MOM SAY ABOUT YOUR BOOK? Did u show it to her yet?! I just thought about that. um, are u even still invited to thanksgiving?!?!?! hehe if so i will see u there.
congrats again boo. u fuckin nailed it.
love,
jane aka “JENNIFER”
Your Dad Finished Reading the Book You Based on Your Family
Julie,
I read your book. It’s a decent first draft (I assume this is a first draft). I did see a lot of places where you could improve the story and hone your comedy to turn what are now chuckles into guffaws. I jotted down a few notes that should be helpful. As you may remember, I contributed to my college humor magazine, so I’m very familiar with what makes for effective satire.
Page 1—I wouldn’t go so far as to refer to the patriarch of the story as in the “twilight” of his life. At sixty-five, unless he has Stage IV cancer or its equivalent, he could have up to thirty-five years left to live.
Page 16—You reference the father’s affinity for collecting maitake mushrooms and mention his trip to Santa Fe. Maitake do not grow in the American Southwest. Any editor or publisher who is also a mycology hobbyist will immediately question your authorial voice—unless, of course, you deliberately intend to signify to the reader that you are an unreliable narrator.
Page 43—The mother’s expectations of the father seem very unreasonable to me. Is it your intention to cast her as an antagonist?
Page 84—You refer to the parents’ adoption of the younger sister as a “desperate, futile attempt on behalf of [the parents] to save their marriage, which cursed her with a childhood of feeling like she never quite belonged; she would spend the next twenty-five years chasing a sense of security through toxic relationships with older men.” This makes no sense.
Page 104—Your use of anthropomorphism (i.e., the talking treadmill) raises too many questions, though I applaud your attempt to be Kafkaesque. In your text, the treadmill has a nuanced understanding of human behavior and the pain of existence, but the reality is that even the most advanced robots do not have the ability to empathize. I’ve attached a link to a recent study from MIT that I contributed to, which outlines the basics here. If you have any more questions about emotional robots, I hope you’ll consider me an expert.
Page 145—This is actually more of a general note on tone. Perhaps you are aiming for hyperbole, but the narrator makes some extremely destructive choices when it comes to her love life. I would rethink this given the current conversation around feminism and the Bechdel test (I actually had an idea for a similar test years before, but was met with resistance
due to my own gender). Specifically, here you have a female character who is allegedly intelligent very much fitting the trope of the pathetic woman attempting to find herself through bad patterns of dating unavailable men. At the very least, for authenticity I would trace the origin of her issues to a fractured relationship with her father.
Page 168—I found liking the character of Grandma Violet to be a Sisyphean task, to say the least. I would caution you not to assume we will find her to be a sympathetic character just because she narrowly escaped the Holocaust.
Page 179—You overuse the comma.
Page 192—This is a section where you could beef up your jokes. For instance, you refer to the mother character in later life as “a woman Dianne Wiest might have played in a 1980s Woody Allen comedy set on the Upper West Side.” Might I suggest replacing Dianne Wiest with Diane Ladd? Much funnier!
Page 204—I would set the “meet cute” between the father and his Vietnamese second wife in another location. The whole massage-parlor bit feels like it’s been done.
Page 242—The narrator’s ambivalence about having children reads as implausible and off-putting, as does her resentment of the fact that society shames women for being ambivalent about motherhood.
Page 274–290—This was a stretch where I actually had very few notes! Maybe it’s because you finally turned your lens on the father’s early years, which are incredibly compelling. This was probably my favorite section of the book.
Page 300—As you conclude the story, I found myself frustrated with the number of loose ends that remain in the narrator’s life. Unmarried, childless, with scant savings and no assets beyond a hybrid car—is this really a heroine readers will relate to? I suppose only time—and ideally a vigorous push and marketing campaign from your editor—will tell. That said, anything you might do to increase your “antiheroine’s” likability certainly couldn’t hurt.
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