by Sienna Parks
“From the moment she was born, Maddox has been here, for every feeding, diaper change, and nap. He was never bitter about having to give up riding, and he gave it his best shot with Sam, but he knew they weren’t right for each other.”
“So, what happened? Where is she now?”
“She left the house to set up for the town fair two years ago and never came home. They haven’t heard from her since.”
My heart breaks for the sweet little girl down the hall. “How could she leave her own daughter… and Mad?”
“I honestly don’t know, A.B. Why did you leave Maddox?”
“I…”
“Actually, I don’t want to know right now. Today has been hard enough. This family has lost so much. God, I can’t imagine how Pops is going to get through this. And Rae…” His eyes fill with tears. “It was torture keeping her in here today, knowing there was nothing I could do to help you guys.”
“I can tell you without a doubt, you did more for Maddox than you could imagine. It would have destroyed him even more if Rae had seen her granddaddy like that.” I move to comfort him, finding solace in the arms of an old friend. “I’m sorry, Jax… for everything.” He squeezes me a little tighter.
“I’m glad you’re here.” We sit for long minutes, taking stock of what matters most. People aren’t expendable, and I hate I made everyone who means anything to me feel that way when I left. Footsteps echo down the hall.
“Am I interrupting something?” I turn to see Maddox glaring at me.
Jax is quick to jump in. “Just getting a hug from my long-lost sister. How is Rae?”
“Sleeping. She doesn’t understand what’s going on, but she’s upset because her granddaddy isn’t here. I can’t believe he’s gone.” His face softens, realization kicking in, causing a physical pain in my chest.
“Are you hungry? The whole town brought food. I can warm you a plate?”
“Why are you still here?” I can feel my walls crumbling.
“Give her a break, Mad. Today was rough, and she did everything she could. She’s been checking on Pops and corralling half the town through this house to make sure Rae wasn’t disturbed. I couldn’t have coped without her.”
He turns to me, pain radiating from every pore. “Thank you for everything you did today. I know you went above and beyond to try and save my dad. No one could have done more. Truth is, it was too late by the time I got to him. I’m just glad I was with him in his final moments. The thought of him lying in that field… alone… after what I said to him this mornin’.” He grabs a beer from the counter, wipes his eyes, and heads out the back door.
Jax moves to follow him, but the sound of Rae calling out stops him in his tracks.
“Go and settle her. I got this.” He looks at me with a questioning frown.
“You two haven’t been able to have a civil conversation since you got back.”
“Jax, I’m a doctor. I understand when family members blame themselves, and replay anything left unsaid. Please, let me do something useful. I won’t upset him. I give you my word.” Rae continues to cry out, and I know she needs him. “Go… she needs you. She doesn’t know me, Jax. She just lost her granddaddy. She needs family.” With that, he disappears down the hall.
I grab a beer, taking a long, cold swig of liquid courage before heading out to find Maddox. He’s sitting on the back steps, head in his hands, the empty beer bottle smashed against his dad’s old rocking chair. I tentatively sit down beside him, holding out my beer as a peace offering. “You need this more than I do.” His eyes are tired, his blank stare heartbreaking to witness.
“Cheers.” He throws it back like a glass of water, flipping the bottle out into the dark night. “Why did you come? I was a dick to you the other night.”
“I’m a doctor, Mad. And no matter what has happened between us, or how careless I may have been with your heart all those years ago… your dad was family to me. You all are, and I would never let anything get in the way of helping you if you need me.”
“I needed you back then.” I reach out to offer comfort, support… an apology. I don’t know what I can do to make it better.
“I’m so sorry… for hurting you all those years ago… for… everything.” I can’t bring myself to mention his dad. If there was one thing I could have done for Maddox in his lifetime, it would have been to save Bobby. His deep exhale as I rub my hand up his back has my insides screaming to move closer, and I feel so guilty I can’t breathe. He just lost his dad, and all I want to do is lose myself in his arms—to try to block out the nightmares I know are coming in the solitude of my bedroom.
“I don’t know if I can do this.”
“Do what?”
“Be your friend. I’ve hated you for so long. I’ve spun so many scenarios to explain why you left, and I finally got to a point where I could live my life. Me and Rae against the world. I’m only just finding my way, you know?”
“I don’t want to disrupt your life, or do anything to hurt Rae.”
“Losing him…” He struggles to continue and all I want to do is kiss him as he wrings his hands through his hair, just like he did when he was seventeen. “It’s too much, A.B. Pops, Rae, the ranch… it’s all on me now, and I can’t risk messing that up. All he ever wanted was to build a legacy with this ranch… something to be passed down through the generations. I fought him every step of the way. Do you understand? I can’t go back there… with you.”
I slowly remove my hand from his broad, taut shoulders, putting some distance between us. “I understand. I need you to know your dad was proud of you, Mad.”
“Can we just… not talk about him right now. My mind is racing with everything I need to do. I have to find his will, organize the funeral… Pops… fuck, he is never going to get over seeing that today, A.B. And Rae… I told her that granddaddy went to be with the angels, but she doesn’t understand. She thinks he’ll be back in a few days.”
“She’s a resilient little girl. I don’t know her that well, but I can already see your strength in her.”
He turns to examine me, looking for an answer of some sort. “Who told you about Sam?”
“I didn’t go looking for gossip, Mad. You have to know that.”
“Yes. I’m aware you wanted zero knowledge of me after you left.”
“That’s not true.”
“Who told you?”
“Jax told me earlier today. He was just concerned about you and Rae. He loves you guys, and he’s devastated right now. You should go and talk to him. I think it was as hard for him to stay in the house with Rae and do nothing, as it was for us to be in that field.”
His body relaxes, an imperceptible movement changing his entire demeanor. “Fuck. I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t been here for Rae.” He hesitates. “I don’t know what I would have done if you weren’t here with me. That’s not easy for me to admit, but there is no one else who could have or should have been next to me today. You really…” His hand brushes against mine and I can’t bear it—a knife to my already broken heart.
“It’s my job.”
“Sure… that’s what I mean. Thanks for staying and helping Jax deal with everything at the house. I appreciate it.” His eyes find mine, and I can’t bring myself to look away. So much will be left unsaid between us. I can’t expect him to dredge all of this up again now… it would be selfish of me to even try.
“It’s getting late. I better go and let you rest. It’s been a hard day and your family needs you. Promise me you’ll look after yourself. Rest, eat, take time to process.”
“I’ll let you know the arrangements.”
“Thank you. I’d like to pay my respects. Your dad meant a lot to me, and he wasn’t pleased with me the last time I spoke to him.”
“Yeah. I get that.”
“Jax has my number… you can text me the details.”
“Okay.”
It takes all my willpower to stand up and walk away. I don’t want to
leave him… not today. But this isn’t about me. It’s about him, Rae, and Pops. The best thing I can do for all three of them is to keep my distance. “Let me know if you need anything, or if there is anything I can do to help. Tell Jax I said thanks. He’s a good friend. I’m glad y’all have stayed close.”
He’s lost in thought, staring out into the field, his eyes fixed on the tractor—marking the spot where a heart stopped beating, and many hearts where broken.
The house is quiet as I find my bag and step back out into the warmth of a muggy Texas summer. As I drive back to my house, the gravity of today hits me square in the chest, ripping an anguished sob from my throat as I struggle to breathe. I pull my truck to the side of the road, aware I’m hyperventilating. I give in to every emotion I’ve been holding back today. The pain that took hold the day I decided to come back to Kingsbury Falls. I scream to the gods, pleading for a chance to go back and fix my mistakes.
Bobby spent so much of his life being bitter, and taking it out on everyone around him, but I always believed he was truly brokenhearted. He never got over Mad’s mom leaving, and today I realized how sad that really is. Life is fleeting. Death does not discriminate. And I’m making the same mistakes he did, and I don’t know how to change them.
I have thought about Maddox every day since I left all those years ago. I have loved him through every relationship I’ve attempted. I’ve yearned for his touch more than any accolade my career could afford me. In a shroud of darkness, I let myself cry tears of utter despair. Grief racks my body, coursing through every fiber of my being. For the man I couldn’t save, for the life I could have had, and the man I never will.
MADDOX
The sun climbs above the horizon, as bright and as beautiful as every other day. That’s the strange thing about death—the world keeps turning like nothing has happened. Billions of people go about their day, none the wiser. Life here on Mustang Ranch is anything but normal. The past five days have been the hardest of my life. When my mom left, I didn’t understand the gravity of what it meant for me. Now, I know exactly what has happened—my dad left me before I had a chance to make him proud. And worse, he died without knowing I loved him.
Pops always tried to encourage the old proverb: Never go to bed on an argument. He and my grandma had a happy marriage based on those seven words. It was something my dad never adopted in his life. He could hold a grudge like no one else I’ve ever met. Until the day he died, his disdain for my mother clouded every decision he ever made. I know I’m like him—the past fourteen years of my life are case-in-point. I thought I was over A.B. I believed I was happy with my life. Don’t get me wrong—Rae is the single greatest thing I’ve ever done, and I wouldn’t change that for the world. But, since A.B. showed back up in town, I realize just how much of my life I’ve wasted, trying to prove a point to myself.
Sam was a mistake from the moment we met. I knew, but I just wanted to mess around. I hated to admit no one would ever come close to A.B. If I had been mature enough when she left, I would have gone after her and demanded an explanation. To this day, I still have no idea why she left without so much as a kiss goodbye or it was nice knowing you. Even now… if I hadn’t been so consumed with anger after our moment in the barn, I would have been baling hay in the field when my dad had his heart attack. If I’d been there, I would’ve been able to get him help sooner. I could have saved him. If that’s not a wake-up call to get over my bullshit and move on with my life, then I don’t know what is.
The town has rallied around us this week—every meal provided in abundance, the ranch taken care of, our house cleaned from top to bottom. Rae has been kept busy with all kinds of games, treats, stories, and love from everyone who sets foot through our door. Under normal circumstances, I could think of nothing worse than my house being a revolving door of Kingsbury Falls residents, but I don’t know what I would have done without them. I haven’t slept more than an hour a night, haunted by the image of my dad as he took his last breath and tormented by our final conversation.
Pops has withdrawn from everyone, including Rae. He eats in his room, refuses to come out or talk to visitors offering their condolences, and spends most of the day in bed with the drapes closed. I’ve tried to talk to him, but he doesn’t even acknowledge I’m in the room. It’s as if I lost him, too. Today is the first day he’s showered, shaved, and dressed since it happened. Pops has always been my grounding force. The person I go to for advice when life gets tough. There’s so much going on right now, but I can’t go to him. He’s been through enough. A.B. has come over to check on him every day this week, and has respected our final conversation, keeping her distance from me, but all I want right now is to lose myself in her, if only for a night.
Today is my dad’s funeral.
Rae is wearing a black dress today—which just seems wrong for a three-year-old. She’s always dressed in pink or yellow, reflecting her sweet, sunny personality. As we make our way to the church, the eulogy I wrote yesterday plays over and over in my mind. What do I say about a man I hardly knew? He never opened up to me. If anything, I think he blamed me for my mom leaving. If they’d never had me, maybe they would have been happier. As I read the words I’ve written, it’s as if I’m talking about a stranger—not my father. I wish things could have been different between us, but if this week has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t always get the chance to right your wrongs.
The service was nice… as funerals go. There was music, bible verses, and tears—tears from people who wouldn’t stop shoveling their breakfast down their throat at Ellen’s to say two words to my dad. And yet, we sat in stoic silence. Rae sat quietly, holding Pops’ hand. He was almost catatonic. I’ve been sitting, staring at the stained-glass windows depicting the life of Christ, trying to make sense of all this. I’m painfully aware all eyes are on me as the priest welcomes me to the front to deliver the eulogy.
My steps are slow and measured, attempting to delay the inevitable for a few more moments. As I turn to face virtually everyone in Kingsbury Falls, my eyes immediately find A.B. She’s sitting alone in the back row, her eyes wet with tears. She grew up at the ranch, and I know this is hard on her—she did everything she could to save my dad. I focus on her, deriving the courage to get through this.
Most of you knew my father as Bobby Hale… successful rancher, and a bit of a loner. To me he was...
I scan the crowd of mourners, and something inside me just can’t lie today. I set the cue cards I had written for myself down on the stand, scrubbing my hand over my face—the clean-shaven feel of my skin, unfamiliar.
He was my dad, and I loved him. He was a great granddaddy to Sally Rae, and I couldn’t have asked for a greater legacy to pass on to her one day. Mustang Ranch was my father’s greatest achievement, and I know how tirelessly he worked to build it for me and for Rae. He died doing what he loved… working the land. I understand how hard his life was… being a single parent isn’t an easy job. He loved my mom, and when she left… a part of him died. Was he an amazing dad? Honestly, no. I have very few memories of happy family moments with him. But, I realize now he was just playing the hand he was dealt… trying to make the best of a bad situation.
Dad lost the love of his life when he was younger than I am now. He had to deal with knowing the person he chose to start a family with, left her son behind. It weighed heavy on his shoulders. Kingsbury Falls isn’t exactly somewhere you can hide your heartache. But he did the best he could, and I never got the chance to tell him that. To say I appreciated all the sacrifices he made for me. I could never thank him enough for staying. He didn’t abandon me. He may not have always had his priorities straight, but he did what he felt was best for me in the long-run.
I take a moment to make eye contact with A.B. hoping she’ll understand what I’m about to say next.
I know better than most what it feels like to lose the love of your life and to have them choose a path that doesn’t include you. It’s not something you ever
recover from. I now find myself as a single dad to my beautiful Rae of sunshine, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But, I know I couldn’t have done it without Pops, and my dad. They welcomed me back to this town with open arms… no questions asked. That is an acceptance I never expected. I didn’t have to beg or prove myself. They took Rae and me in and made us a dysfunctional, functioning family. I wish I could have told him how much it meant to me, but I always thought there would be time… another tomorrow.
For me, his legacy isn’t just the ranch. It’s his willingness to love, and survive loss. His strength to persevere and live up to his responsibilities, no matter what. His acceptance that everyone makes mistakes, and if you love them you make it work. I only hope I can live up to his legacy.
What will I try to do differently? I will endeavor to repair my broken heart. To forgive, and to move forward with my life. This week was a huge wake-up call for me. Life is short and tomorrow is never a guarantee.
Thank you, Dad… for everything. We will never forget you. I pray your heart is finally at peace.
I look to the back of the church to see A.B.—her head bowed, hands covering her face, and the smallest movement of her shoulders telling me she’s sobbing. It takes everything inside me not to go to her. I walk back to where Pops and Rae are sitting in the front row, but I can feel her torment from a distance.
Dad wanted to be cremated and his ashes spread over the fields of Mustang Ranch. The sound of muffled sobs and rustling Kleenex fills the silence. I feel my body relax as the priest says a final prayer for my father, and for the family he left behind. And I can’t help but wonder—will my mother know he died… wherever she is. Did she cut off any possibility of knowing about our lives, the way Annabeth did with me?
I lift Rae into my arms, seeking solace in her sweet innocence. Letting myself breathe in her loving acceptance. She snuggles against my neck. “I miss Ganddaddy. Do you think he misses me?” She whispers as I carry her from the church.