by M. V. Kasi
Was that what he felt? Heartbreak?
He didn’t know what it was, but it was ruining him. After a few weeks of living through the numbness, the only thing that surprised him and shocked him was Jo’s marriage proposal.
“Will you marry me, Jay?” Jo asked softly, when they sat under the gazebo in her garden.
He was so stunned that it took him a few seconds to formulate a reply. “Jo... I know you are shaken by what we found out about that potential suitor. But there will be better suited—”
“No, Jay. It’s not because there aren’t suitable men out there. I want you as my life partner,” she said. She shocked him further by holding his hand and uttering the words he had no clue about. “I have always wanted to be with you, Jay. Right from the time we met,” Jo confessed to him.
Jo and he had met when they were children. They both had been nearly eleven. Harsha and she were one of the best friends anyone could ever have.
He still recalled the day he met her for the first time.
Fourteen years ago
It was his eleventh birthday and he didn’t have a reason to celebrate.
After staying in and out of the boy’s orphanage, the Colonel had brought him home and began the proceedings to adopt him legally. But he didn’t want another family. He wanted his mother back. Even though he knew it was not possible.
When his mother had killed herself, she had left no money. She had no family he could turn to. And she also did not leave any last words for her only child. What she left him was a shit load of anger.
“Friends? Why the hell should I have any friends?” he grumbled as he sat alone in a secluded spot within the garden at the Colonel’s house.
A few minutes before, Harsha had come to him to let him know that the Colonel was planning a small birthday party for him. To introduce him to the neighbors and friends.
“I prefer to be left alone,” he snapped at Harsha. But Harsha continued to bug him and tried to build his enthusiasm for the party. Luckily Harsha had to leave when he was called by the Colonel.
Taking that opportunity, he slipped further away into the garden. He didn’t know how long he was hiding in the secret nook in the garden, until someone invaded his space.
“Hello,” a cheerful voice of a girl greeted.
“Go away,” he snarled, not bothering to look at the person.
But that silly girl still came closer and sat next to him on the dirt.
“Are you the boy who lost his mother?” she asked.
Unable to contain his rage, he turned and glared at her. But the girl didn’t flinch. Her softly rounded face held a look of curiosity and innocence.
He couldn’t form any words. Because she reminded him of that other girl who had killed his mother and destroyed his life.
“You were crying,” she remarked softly, and pulled out a piece of cloth from her pocket.
He flinched when the girl lifted a clean smelling fragrant cloth to his face and carefully wiped the tears from his face. Her kindness was so unexpected that he didn’t know how to respond.
He hated all girls because of what that other girl had done with her lies. But this one seemed different. She folded her legs together and sat right next to him.
“Ma told me that you will be living in the Colonel’s house from now on. And that you will be my friend along with Harsha,” she said excitedly.
That enraged him again. “I’m not going to be a girl’s friend. They are all liars!” he shouted and shoved her away from him.
With a cry, she fell down and stayed cowering on the ground next to him, looking at his face with her widened eyes.
His face felt hot with anger, and he bared his teeth at her. “Get out of here. I don’t need any friends. Especially lying girls,” he growled.
She scrambled away from him and got up. She threw him a hurt look. “I’m not a liar,” she said, before running away from him.
Much later, he had expected her to tattle about how he had shoved her to the ground, but she hadn’t. In fact she came to him more often, always extending her friendship with a smile.
He growled and he raged, until he finally caved and agreed to be her friend.
She wasn’t like that other girl. Jo never lied.
Since then, Jo had become his best friend along with Harsha. The three of them always got into scrapes and other adventures together. He re-discovered the sense of belonging with them, along with Jo’s family and the Colonel.
He loved Jo. But he didn’t know if it came close to how he felt about Sia.
“But, Jo. I’ve never thought of us in those terms,” he told her gently.
Jo’s face fell. “You don’t find me attractive?”
“You are beautiful, Jo. Stunning even. And you know that already, especially considering how many guys Harsha and I had to scare off from you over the years.”
“Then why not, Jay? Not everyone is attracted to each other instantly. You can know someone for years and see them differently at a certain point in life,” she said.
Jo was right. That’s how it was with Sia. He hated her at first. And now—
“We already have what it takes for a successful marriage, Jay. We are best friends and we have the same future aspirations. What more can anyone want? I’ve heard that most couples don’t even have that. Even after years of marriage.”
He didn’t reply. He felt torn.
“You don’t have to answer me right away, Jay. Whatever you decide will be fine with me,” Jo said with an uncertain look that tugged on his heart.
“I will give this a serious thought Jo,” he promised.
Over the next few days, he voiced more doubts about being with Jo. But Jo made several arguments against all of those. She was being practical and convincing enough that he kind of agreed with everything she said.
But he also knew it wasn’t fair to Jo, especially when his mind was still consumed by another woman. When he told Jo that, she asked him point blank. “Jay, are there any chances that you will get back with Sia again?”
He didn’t have to think. “No.”
“Then I see no reason why a past infatuation should come between us,” she said.
When he didn’t reply, she continued with the most convincing argument. “Remember how you told me one day that you wanted a family of your own? Children and relatives that were bound to you by blood and law? You can have all that, Jay. My family already loves you.”
Jo was right. He had always craved for a family of his own. At twenty-five, he was still young, and getting married a few years earlier than he had planned wasn’t that big of an issue. He was determined to squash all the doubts from his mind. He was determined to put a happy smile on his best friend’s face.
“Okay, Jo. Let’s do it. Let’s get married,” he declared.
A radiant smile broke on Jo’s face and she hugged him. “My parents and grandmother are going to be so so happy, Jay,” she said.
He smiled and kissed her forehead like always, in affection.
“Let’s go and surprise them all with the news,” Jo exclaimed in excitement.
As expected, the Colonel and Jo’s family were thrilled with the news. Or so he thought. Because a few days later, Jo’s mother met him privately at his apartment.
“Jay, I know there is someone else in your life. Someone that broke your heart.”
He was taken aback by Jo’s mother’s words. He supposed he did look like a man whose heart was broken. Especially with a couple of week’s worth of beard on his face, and hollowed eyes due to sleepless nights.
“That’s not true anymore...” he began.
“I know my daughter, Jay. And also you. Jo has been in love with you for so long that she had weaved her entire future around you. If only there was a way to tell her without crushing her heart that love needs to be reciprocated.”
The guilt he had been trying to get rid of—rose once again. “I do love Jo,” he told the woman who had been a surrogate mother to him over th
e last decade.
“I know you love her, Jay,” she stated sadly. “But that’s not the only kind of love my daughter deserves,” she said.
* * *
Over the next few weeks he had been determined to prove to everyone that he would make a worthy husband to Jo. But life had other ideas.
He finally paid the price for not walking away from Sia all those months ago. He had relentlessly pursued her, putting himself in situations where she had no choice but to take notice of him. And notice him she did, in the most shocking way—by deliberately falling pregnant with his child.
“I’m pregnant. And the child is... yours,” Sia had announced when she dropped by his place unexpectedly.
He felt blown away with the news. He immediately felt protective towards his child, but the relationship with Sia was more than just complicated.
And a few days later, when Jo revealed the truth and circumstances of Sia’s pregnancy—of being with him that night for the sole purpose of falling pregnant with his child—he felt completely betrayed.
He wanted Sia to get out of his life. But somewhere inside, he also wanted her to desperately stay. Finally, when he realized that she was manipulating him towards a marriage, his feelings eventually morphed into anger.
He had raged at Sia for using him. He even threatened her. He felt trapped into what he felt was an unholy matrimony.
They began to live like strangers in her house after marriage.
He resented being there. Because he still wanted her. But he wanted her on his terms.
He felt stifled as he struggled to be cured of the unhealthy want when it came to her.
The conflicted feelings made him behave poorly with her whenever they came across each other in her large house.
During one of the visits, the Colonel had asked him how Sia was faring.
“I don’t know. And I don’t care. I’m only in it for my child’s sake,” he replied.
The Colonel gave him an admonishing look. “Jay, I’m not happy with your behavior and attitude with your wife,” he said. “Whatever maybe the case, she’s carrying your child and needs your understanding right now.”
“You don’t know what she did,” Ajay murmured. “She doesn’t deserve any kind of understanding.”
“Well, whatever she did, it’s no different than what you might have done to her,” snapped the Colonel.
“What?” Ajay was stunned.
“I wasn’t born yesterday, Jay. I know the girl you hated and your wife are one and the same.”
Ajay was quiet. “That doesn’t mean what I did, even compares to what she did with me.”
“Oh really?” the Colonel asked. “And who made the judgment of that?”
Ajay had no good answer. So he simply murmured, “She should have known better.”
“So did you, Jay,” the Colonel stated.
“I can’t forgive her for deliberately falling pregnant with my child.”
“No one is saying you have to. You have always been quite cool and rational when it comes to dealing with difficult people or circumstances. Be that way even now. Face the facts and deal with them. Don’t sulk and hide from your wife.”
After Ajay's anger cooled, he began to feel like the worst kind of hypocrite.
Colonel was right. Who was he to judge Sia? He had deliberately planned each and every meeting between them. Now as a consequence to both their actions, they were to become parents to an innocent child. So he went back to Sia’s place, determined to face the facts.
The Colonel was also right about another thing. Love and hate were the same feelings experienced under different circumstances. The passion. The pain. They were the same for both.
He began falling for Sia again, harder than he thought was possible.
Even though she was too much work, too much temptation, and far too much obsession, he continued to fall hard.
While he was falling, Sia was quite comfortable in her lies. She was drowning him in them. And the most disturbing part was that he was feeding himself more lies, by telling himself that he didn’t care. But he knew. He knew that she was getting under his skin at an alarming rate. He also knew that it was only a matter of time until she owned the most dangerous part of his body.
Soon, it was too late.
Each day, Sia took up more space in his heart. With every moment spent with her during their marriage, it became difficult to imagine being without her. He knew that his love for Sia wasn’t romantic or sweet like it appeared. It was violent and desperate.
It remained that way, even when he could sense a storm inside of her.
He knew it would take a very long time for her need for revenge to die down. And, one thing he was absolutely sure of was that the world could get destroyed, but he wasn’t going to let her go.
Not until she herself told him to go. Maybe, not even then.
She was his wife and he loved her. The light and the dark, the good and the bad. She was his to love, cherish and protect. And he fully intended to do all of them.
Whether she agreed to them or not.
CHAPTER THREE
It happened again.
Dharini had a bad stomachache in middle of the science class. It had gotten so severe that Mrs. Sita Chandra, her teacher, had to take her to a hospital.
Dharini couldn't remember much because of the blinding pain. But after the doctors injected a medicine, she could breathe without almost collapsing again.
“Dharini? How are you feeling, my child?” a soothing voice asked as she lay on a hospital bed. Everything smelled like an antiseptic, including the hospital gown she was wearing.
She opened her eyes slowly and saw her teacher’s kind and affectionate face. Mrs. Sita Chandra was smiling warmly at her while placing a comforting hand on the head.
“My tummy still hurts a little. But not as much,” Dharini replied.
“You are a brave girl and I’m proud of you,” Mrs. Sita Chandra complimented with a gentle smile as she settled down on a chair next to the bed. “And don’t worry; your family is going to be here soon. I have already sent them a message that you are not well and have been admitted to the hospital. They should be here shortly. When they come, I’m going to tell them how brave you were—”
The teacher broke off when she saw the raw, unadulterated fear on the little girl’s face.
“I don’t want him to come,” Dharini pleaded. “Please. I don’t! Tell him not to come!” she shouted, getting hysterical.
Mrs. Sita Chandra held one of Dharini’s hands in both of hers and squeezed reassuringly. “Shh... it’s okay. I will tell them it wasn’t your fault. Just relax and don’t worry about anything right now,” she said.
Dharini began to breathe heavily, desperately trying to do as Mrs. Sita Chandra requested.
She tried. But it was a losing battle. “I’m scared,” she blurted.
“What are you scared of, Dharini?” Mrs. Sita Chandra asked.
Dharini wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. It was supposed to be her dirty secret. But she was tired of hiding it from people. She had told a couple of people before and they hadn’t believed her. Just like he had told her they wouldn’t.
“It’s okay. Tell me what are you scared of,” Mrs. Sita Chandra gently insisted.
“Of a monster,” Dharini replied listlessly.
Mrs. Sita Chandra paused to look at her for a couple of seconds before gently probing further. “I’m scared of monsters too. What does the monster who scares you do to you?” she asked.
Dharini shook her head vigorously. “I’m not supposed to talk about him. He said if I tell anyone about him, he will stop being my friend whenever he’s not a monster. And also that he’ll tell everyone that I was a bad girl.”
Mrs. Sita Chandra smiled, although it looked odd and different from her usual radiant dimpled smile. “He was joking, Dharini. Some monsters do that. Why don’t you tell me everything? I promise I won’t think that you are a bad girl,” she said.
Dharini believed her. She trusted Mrs. Sita Chandra blindly because her teacher was the kindest and the most generous person she knew. Mrs. Sita Chandra had even taught the class about being kind when some of the children had made fun of her. They made fun of the fact that she had begun using diapers at the age of nine.
She hadn’t been using them before. But lately, she had a lot of accidents. During the night and sometimes during the day as well.
Not only had Mrs. Sita Chandra defended her, she also made it a point include Dharini in the class discussions when she had stopped talking to the other children, and withdrew to herself.
Dharini hadn’t always been that way. She had been bright, attentive and full of life when she had joined the school a couple of years ago. Gradually, the changes began to happen, and everyone was told that it was a delayed reaction to the grief of losing both parents at the age of seven.
It wasn’t the truth.
“Tell me where this monster lives, Dharini?” Mrs. Sita Chandra gently prompted again.
Dharini didn’t respond, and kept looking at Mrs. Sita Chandra with a torn look.
“Does the monster live under your bed? I’ve heard that some of them live there,” Mrs. Sita Chandra prodded again gently.
Dharini shook her head. “No. He doesn’t live under my bed,” she replied softly, and then she hung her head down in shame as she revealed the secret. “He lives downstairs... with my aunt.”
There was a long silence with absolutely no movement.
Dharini didn’t dare to look up. She stared at the white hospital blanket instead and continued to smell the vile antiseptic in the air. She didn’t want to see the disappointed look on Mrs. Sita Chandra’s face. She didn’t want her teacher to think she was lying, just like how her aunt and a few others had thought about her.
But Mrs. Sita Chandra surprised her. “What does this monster do?” she asked softly.
Dharini’s eyes flew up from the blanket. Her teacher smiled reassuringly.
"Oh my god, she believes me!” thought Dharini.