A Dizzying Balance

by Harriet E Rich

  The company had started on a modest scale with an unusual assortment of projects: filming a series of commercials, doing location production for a small segment of a much larger studio’s movie. They had even done production work for a benefit rock concert. The projects had gotten progressively larger through the first year and in the last eighteen months, they had produced a made-for-television movie and two feature-length films both of which had been made by SailingStar independently and which had received excellent reviews as well as significant box-office success. The company was now into its fourth large production.

  Jen was impressed and more than a little apprehensive. All this had been achieved in less than three years. Would she be able to do what she had to do now, with no knowledge of how it had been done? She gave herself a little shake … I’ll just have to try …and putting aside her fears, she continued reading. She was surprised to see that it was one o’clock when Betsy came through the open door carrying a large tray.

  “I’ve brought lunch, Miss Colson. Miss Williams.” She set two places with salads, crisp rye crackers and cruets of dressing. Opening cans of diet soda, she filled two tall glasses. She’d picked up the empty tray and was at the door when she turned back. “Oh, Miss Colson, Mrs. Kenting told me to tell you that she’d like to see you in her room at six this evening before dinner.”

  When Betsy had gone, they sat down to eat.

  “A Command Performance,” said Colleen. “The old lady doesn’t usually request your presence anytime, anywhere. It must be something important. To her, at least.”

  “She doesn’t like me?” Jen looked up from her salad in surprise.

  Colleen shrugged. “Doesn’t like you, has never liked you, probably won’t ever like you. She wanted David to marry Claire.” Jen gave her a questioning look, and Colleen continued. “Claire Bonnington, the daughter of an old friend of hers. Claire and David practically grew up together. She went to some fancy boarding school with David’s sister.”

  “Oh.” Jen was beginning to understand why the housekeeper also disliked her. She frowned as she reached for her diet soda. “Tell me about the movie that we’re making now.”

  They talked while they ate, with Jen listening carefully and asking for more details on points that confused her as Colleen explained the work. They’d just finished talking about what was left to do on the film when Jen heard a whistle from beyond the open doorway. She was puzzled for a moment, then realized that it was the first four notes of Bicycle Built for Two.

  “Who’s that?”

  “Tony.” Colleen pushed her plate away and leaned back. “He whistles that tune whenever he sees that the door is open. He’s been doing it ever since he learned that my middle name is Daisy.”

  Jen heard the whistle again and Tony came bustling in. He flicked his finger lightly against Colleen’s cheek saying, “How’s my special girl?” then reached to give Jen a hug. “It’s good to have you back in the office, kid. Has Colleen been filling you in on SailingStar?”

  Jen smiled up at him. “Yes, she’s been very helpful. I don’t feel nearly as lost as I did before.”

  “Don’t worry. It’ll all come back to you. I can’t stay long –”

  “Tony Manelli,” Colleen got up and shook a finger at him. “Don’t you dare think of leaving before you’ve straightened out that desk a little.” As short as Tony was, she still had to look up at him – a small brown wren menacing a plump grey owl – and like an owl, Tony blinked.

  “But I can’t.”

  “Oh, yes, you can. There’s a stack of messages that you need to take care of, and you have to give me the invoices from the caterer. Organized.”

  Tony grinned at Jen. “She’s a slave driver, that’s what she is. Okay, okay, I’m going,” he laughed as Colleen took a step toward him.

  Jen went back to her desk and as she continued reading, she listened to their phone calls. The conversations were one-sidedly hard to follow but she was still able to gain some insight into the complicated work of a production company. Every bit of knowledge would help her.

  They were all very busy for an hour or so. Jen was tired, ready to return to the house, and had just settled her arm back into the sling when she heard a loud motor and saw a sports car emerge from the woods at the foot of the drive. It pulled up near the end of the garage and parked.

  “Miss Hall,” Colleen warned.

  A tall woman wearing a dramatic black and white suit and large sunglasses got out of the car, pulling off a violet chiffon scarf to reveal a riot of long black curls. With an undulating sway of her hips, she walked up the path and paused in the doorway.

  “Jennette, darling!” she cried and, completely ignoring both Colleen and Tony, she swayed down the room to sink into a chair.

  “You look like hell on toast, my friend,” she said with a throaty chuckle as she took off her glasses. “That bandage on your nose is horrible. What have you been doing to yourself?”

  Jen saw black-fringed deep blue eyes that smiled with just a hint of malicious satisfaction. “Hello, Nikki.” Sitting back, she tried to relax but it was hard to feel sophisticated in the face of all that elegance. She offered up a little prayer of thanks that she would be seeing the surgeon tomorrow.

  “Well, have you read it yet? Isn’t it marvelous? The writer is that funny little fellow we met at Teddy’s cocktail party last month, you know, Hector – the one who kept pushing his glasses up his nose – who followed you around like a puppy until I finally agreed to go out with him. He said his script was written with you in mind, and I knew we’d have to read it.”

  Clearly, Nikki didn’t know about her amnesia. This would be difficult but perhaps also highly instructive. She took a wild guess. “I remember him, I think, wasn’t he the one with the bow tie?”

  “Yes, that horrible polka-dot thing, wasn’t it awful?” Nikki uncrossed her long legs and reached to take a cigarette out of her handbag.

  “Please don’t,” Jen said quickly.

  “Why ever not? It’s never bothered you before.”

  “I know, I’m sorry, but I had an allergic reaction to one of the drugs in the hospital, and my throat is still very sore.”

  “I thought your voice sounded different, not your usual melodious tones.” The malicious gleam was back as she put the cigarettes away. “So, have you finished it?”

  Jen smiled. “I’ve barely started, but it’s well-written and I like what I’ve read so far. The scene in the bathroom has a lot of comic potential.”

  “Three doors, two men, the window? It’s a hoot! Wait until you get to the part where … No, I won’t spoil it for you. Finish reading it. I … Hector is dying to know what you think of it.”

  “Jennette.” Colleen had come up behind Nikki carrying a large brown envelope with a little note clipped to it. She handed it across the desk to Jen, then stepped back. “That’s the packet I said I’d put together for you. Your new car hasn’t been picked up yet, so you’ll have to use the Mercedes.” The note read --- Bay #4. Keys hanging in breakfast room. --- Jen saw Colleen’s eyes move quickly to look at Nikki, then back to her. “Tony and I have to go into town to the studio. Will you be all right here?”

  Jen casually threw the note into the basket under the desk. “Yes, I’ll be fine. Miss Hall can’t stay long. You don’t mind, do you, Nikki? I’ve simply got to rest a little this afternoon. I’ve barely been back a day.”

  Nikki waved airily. She still hadn’t acknowledged the other two. “Of course, I don’t mind – poor little orphan girl returned to home and hearth – you need your rest.” She gave Jen a sympathetic smile. “That awful accident. And the cabin. Aaron and I were just leaving when we heard the explosion. We were so relieved to discover that you hadn’t gone up there after all.”

  Jen saw Colleen roll her eyes behind Nikki’s back and tried not to smile. “Can you and Tony do without me tomorrow? I’ve a few things I have to do in the morning and my appointment with Dr. Smith is for early afternoon.”
<
br />   “Actually, I was going to ask you the same thing. We need to spend most of the day at the sound stage.”

  Tony finished his last phone call and stood to throw one arm around her shoulders. “Is it ready you are, Daisy, my little colleen?”

  But she pushed him away with a laugh. “Will you cut that out, you impossible man! Anyone would think you were Irish and not pure-bred Italian.”

  “Oh, there’s Irish in me somewhere, I know it.”

  “I agree,” Jen grinned, “because when it comes to blarney, I’d say that Tony has more than his fair share. See you both later.” She could hear Tony still laughing as the two walked down the path. But there was a look of boredom on Nikki’s face, and Jen asked, “Don’t you like them?”

  “Am I supposed to? I’ve never really thought about it. They’re just there. Apparently, they like you although they would have to, wouldn’t they? I mean, you do sign their paychecks.” Stopping herself from reaching for a cigarette, she took out a compact instead to check her already perfect make-up. “And after all, you’ve never been much on other people’s feelings, either. Your career has always been so important.” She dropped the compact into the bag, closing it with a snap as she added, “But then, we’re much alike, you and I.”

  Jen didn’t answer her. She hated to think that she had anything in common with this distinctly self-involved woman, but she just didn’t know.

  “Jennette,” Nikki was saying, “you have got to tell me what David said to you at Teddy’s cocktail party that made you so furious. And after he left, where did you go with that gorgeous young actor – what was his name? Todd?” Her eyebrows lifted inviting confidences, and Jen chose her words warily.

  “David was very angry.”

  “Everyone in the room could see that. It was utterly obvious.”

  “He … he hasn’t enjoyed that kind of party for … some time now, but I insisted he come with me. He wanted to go home, and I wasn’t ready to leave.”

  “It wouldn’t by chance have had something to do with the way Todd was hanging all over you?”

  “You’re right, of course.” Jen tried to think. A Hollywood cocktail party would probably be on a weeknight, wouldn’t it? She took a chance. “And he was tired. He didn’t like being dragged out after a long day at work.”

  “Busy, busy David,” Nikki’s voice had a bite to it, “all wrapped up in his family business. So … where did you go with Todd? I saw him later that week and asked him, but he just smiled and gave an excellent performance as the strong, silent type.”

  “Would you believe me if I said we had a late dinner and talked?” Jen hoped she was speaking nothing but the truth.

  “Talked? With a body like his, why would you want to talk!”

  “Well, if he didn’t kiss and tell, neither will I.” Jen smiled and stood up. “I promise I’ll finish the script as soon as I can. If the rest of it is as good as what I’ve already read, SailingStar will definitely be interested.” They walked out together, and Jen locked the door, pulling it shut behind her. “I’ll see you soon.”

  “Take care of yourself, Jennette.” Nikki kissed the air beside her cheek. “And do something about that nose. You look a fright!”

  Jen smiled, watching as she swayed along the path, climbed into her sports car and roared off down the driveway. But walking slowly back to the house and thinking about what Nikki had told her, her smile faded.

  * * *

  At four-thirty, she was in the living room waiting for David. There had been no time to rest and she was very tired. Standing by the fireplace, she looked around the room knowing that this certainly wasn’t Jennette’s taste in decorating at all. To her right, she was startled by a movement and turned quickly to see her own reflection in the mirror.

  Staring at herself, she felt the now-familiar disorientation sweep through her mind, the confusing sense of being split in two. She had to stop thinking of herself as two different people. She was Jennette. Her head ached and sinking into a chair, she rubbed her temple to ease the pain. She must remember. Had to remember. Hearing voices in the hallway, she knew that David was back and tried to relax. He came in holding the hand of a little girl about five years old with strawberry-blond hair and big blue eyes.

  “Here she is back from the hospital, Anna. Go and say hello.”

  The child walked hesitantly across the room to stand by her chair. “Hello, Mother. Daddy said you looked like a raccoon, but I can hardly tell.” She held out her hand as if to touch the bandage on Jen’s face, but pulled it back timidly. “Does your nose hurt?”

  Jen looked at David watching closely from the doorway and then gently gave the little girl a hug. “Hello, Anna,” she whispered. How could she have forgotten their daughter?

  David had come in and was sitting down on the couch. “Come sit with me, Anna,” and she ran to climb up next to him snuggling into his side. “How was nursery school today?” he said as he wrapped his arm around her.

  “It was fun. Timmy brought his gerbil in for show-and-tell and we all got to hold it. It was really soft.”

  “Who’s Timmy?” Jen asked.

  “He’s my special friend and he came here to play one day.” Anna looked at her. “You met him.”

  Jen knew instantly that Anna was disappointed with her and hurried to apologize. “Sometimes Mommy has trouble remembering things because she hurt her head.” Seeing the child’s puzzled look, she went on. “I’m sorry that I forgot Timmy. If I forget anything else that I should know, you’ll help me, won’t you?”

  “Okay,” she said. “Daddy, you didn’t forget about the dump truck, did you?”

  “No, indeed, but you’re still too small to go with me to a construction site.”

  Anna turned to Jen. “Daddy promised that I can ride on a dump truck someday and maybe even pull the lever to make it dump up.”

  The door opened and David stood to lift Anna down from the couch. “Here’s Ellen to take you up to the playroom for a snack. Say goodbye, now.”

  Jen would have given her another hug, but Anna just said, “Goodbye, Mother. I hope you feel better.”

  Jen waited for the door to close firmly behind the child before she looked up sharply. “How could you … spring her on me like that? You planned it! You still don’t believe that I can’t remember, do you.”

  His smile angered her and she began to speak again when he threw up his hand. “Wait! I’ll admit that I set it up so that I could watch your reaction, but it was Dr. Wisenbach’s suggestion. He hoped that the shock of seeing her might bring your memory back. I agreed with him because in spite of everything, I am coming to believe that you truly have forgotten me, us, our life together.”

  “And you want me to remember?”

  “If I could choose the memories …”

  “But you can’t, and I can’t,” she said bitterly. “Bits of this. Flashes of that. I know there’s something I have to remember, something just as important as you and Anna, but I can’t. It’s frightening.”

  “Don’t worry about it.” His voice was kind, but he had turned and she couldn’t see his face. “The doctor said not to push too hard trying to remember. I’ve got phone calls to make before dinner.” He started for the door and she followed him.

  “David, Anna seems so quiet and shy. It’s like I’m a stranger to her.”

  He frowned. “You haven’t been around her much these last three years. Too busy with your company, your movies. Too busy for her.”

  “Oh.”

  They walked out together in silence. He left her at the foot of the stairs and went under the bridge into his office.

  Jen was weary but the day was far from over and she couldn’t rest. As she went up to her room to change for dinner, she thought of the little squirrel she’d seen that morning and wished she were him. He might have a daughter that didn’t know him, but he didn’t have a mother-in-law.

  * * *

  It was almost six when she finished dressing. Looking at herse
lf in the mirror, she nodded with approval. The warm pink of the gown she had chosen went surprisingly well with the color of her hair. She flipped her pageboy curl under with a brush and finding a matching pink lipstick, put the finishing touch to her make-up. But she looked with dislike at the sling.

  “Food tonight, Jennette.” She grinned at her reflection. “Not comfort and not pride.”

  She had stepped into the hall and closed her door when she stopped short because she didn’t have any idea where she was going. Somewhere in the right-hand wing was all she knew. Walking to the bridge she hesitated. She could simply open every door she came to until she found the correct one, but the prospect of barging into someone else’s bedroom unannounced was not pleasing. She had done that once already. As she stood there trying to forget David’s cruel words, she saw the housekeeper below her in the hall.

  “Mrs. Gri- uh, Thelma,” she called. “David’s mother has asked me to see her, but I don’t know where her room is. Could you –?”

  “Her suite is at the end in the front … Miss Colson.” Her tone was curt and as she disappeared into the dining room, Jen heard her mutter something that sounded distinctly like ‘Hrmmph!’ Betsy was right. She was a dragon.

  Jen knocked on the end door, waited a moment, then opened it. There was a fire in the fireplace with two comfortable chairs in front of it, a low table between them. David’s mother was sitting with her hands folded together on top of a cane watching the flames. She was a woman in her early seventies with elegantly coiffed white hair and careful make-up. She wore a silk dress of powder blue that seemed too large for her thin shoulders, but Jen guessed that her look of frailty was deceiving and that formidable would be a more apt description for her. She turned her head slowly to stare across the room, scowling as Jen came in and closed the door.

  “So, you have amnesia and don’t remember anyone, including me. If I could forget you as easily.” Her voice was venomous. “When you left, I thought perhaps you had gone for good but unfortunately, you’re back. Well, don’t just stand there. Come in and sit down.”