“I’ll advise the chef of your request, sir,” the server said.
“Now when I say well-done,” Big Willy raised his finger for emphasis, “I mean I wanna see that sucker blacker than a spear-chucker’s heinie, ya got that?”
A collective groan could be heard around the table. It was all Maisy could do to keep from whapping the big Texan oaf upside the head with her menu and hightail it out of the restaurant.
“Oh dear God,” she moaned, massaging her temples. “Could you possibly be any more embarrassing?”
“Well sure I can, honey,” Big Willy said with a broad, lazy smile. “Just give me a chance. The night’s still young and we’ve got lots of drinks comin’ our way.”
He winked, no doubt imagining he looked charming as hell. Which he did, but he was still an unrelenting, obnoxious, bigoted jerk.
Lifting an eyebrow, the nice-looking—almost pretty—server, crisply attired in the restaurant’s uniform of white shirt and black bowtie, sniffed as he looked down his nose at Big Willy. “Most definitely,” he said with a slight huff.
“And keep those drinks comin’ too, all around the table. Big Willy doesn’t want to see any empty glasses in front of his dinner guests, ya hear?”
“I’ll alert your cocktail server to your wishes. Will there be anything else…sir?” The word clearly stuck in the effeminate young man’s throat.
“Nope, that’ll do it for now. Just keep in mind, boy, that I’m very generous when I get good service and I ain’t a happy cowpoke when I don’t.”
Shifting his jaw from side to side, the server closed his eyes in a long blink. Maisy could only imagine what was going through his head. One thing she knew for certain—after tonight she’d never be able to step foot in this restaurant again.
“I assure you,” the young man said, “I’ll do my best to accommodate your needs…sir.” With that, he left the table.
“Kind of a pretty boy, if you know what I mean,” Big Willy said, snickering as he elbowed Norman. “One of them delicate, pansy types.” He made a limp-wrist gesture for effect.
Neither Maisy, Norman nor Rudy dared move a muscle. In fact, they didn’t even breathe.
Big Willy swatted the table with an open palm, which succeeded in getting their full attention.
“So yer the foreign fella that stole my sweet little Maisy away from me, huh?” He eyed Rudy up and down. “I was jealous as all get-out when I learned I’d lost Maisy’s heart. Especially to a foreigner. You ain’t half bad lookin’, though. Tell me about yourself, boy.” He swigged down half a glass of bourbon, sat back against the cushy, oversized black-leather booth and folded his arms across his chest.
“Yes, Big Wilson—”
“Big Willy…”
“Oh yes, sorry. Big Willy.” Clearing his throat, Rudy sat up straight and placed his arm stiffly around Maisy’s shoulder. “My name is Rudolph Schwarzenegger,” he announced, sounding like a game show host reading from cue cards. “I am from…” He cleared his throat again, looked left, then right and swallowed hard. “Austria.”
When he didn’t detect any signs of disbelief emanating from Big Willy, he continued. “I am Maisy’s dreadfully passionate and strongly loving husband, and the papa of the little baby growing inside her stomach. We are delighted newlyweds.”
He mechanically kissed Maisy on the cheek as she bit the inside of it to keep from laughing. Rudy was so buff, so handsome, so endearing…so unbelievably wooden and ill at ease.
“My female wife and I created the baby by having numerous sex together in the regular way.” Rudy grinned.
Maisy and Norman groaned.
“I soon ago became an American citizen,” Rudy went on, placing his other arm around Norman’s shoulder and squeezing. “Thanks to my strong, extremely macho and masculine friend Norman. Go ahead, Norman, make a big muscle for everyone to show them how strong and manly you are.”
Clearly proud of his stilted performance, Rudy flashed a bright smile while Maisy and Norman sank down in their seats.
“Uh-huh,” Big Willy said, nodding with a curious expression. After a contemplative moment, during which he stuffed half a buttered roll into his mouth, and the other three sat on the edge of their seats awaiting his reaction while he chewed, he simply shrugged and turned to Norman.
“So, cousin, when do I get to meet this little filly you want to set me up with?” he asked, stuffing the other half of the roll in his mouth and talking around it.
“Well, Wilson—” Norman began.
Draining his glass of bourbon and swallowing, Big Willy gave the glass a solid whack against the linen-covered table, making his dining companions as well as those at nearby tables jump. He held the empty glass aloft and snapped his fingers toward a passing cocktail server while giving a shrill whistle. “Hey, there, sweet thing,” he yelled to the female server. “We need another round of joy juice here, darlin’…”
Silence enveloped the room. All eyes were on their table as diners transmitted harsh, disapproving looks and whispered to each other about the uncultured, boisterous lout and his probably equally loutish dinner companions.
“This here sure is a great little beef barn, ain’t it?” Big Willy asked the other three at his table, clearly oblivious to the tension that hung over the room like a shroud.
Maisy wanted to die.
Once the deafening silence in the dining room subsided, Norman inched forward in his seat, leaning his arms and hands on the table. “Okay, Wilson, here’s the deal. You’ve got a whole bunch of investment properties in the Chicago area that you want to liquidate before you leave the country, right?”
“Yup.” Big Willy nodded.
“Well I just happen to know of a sexy hot-shot little Realtor named Sharon Fitch Morganfield—”
“Morganfield?” Big Willy cut in. “Hold on there. Didn’t that used to be Maisy’s name before it was Schwarzenegger?”
“Eh…” Norman waved his hand. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll get to that part later. Anyway, Sharon’s got the know-how and experience to get the job done for you and maybe…” Norman jiggled his eyebrows. “Just maybe, she’d be willing to perform a few other services for someone with all your…uh—”
“Money?” Big Willy offered, laughing.
“Charm,” Maisy said quickly. “Someone with all of your irresistible Texas charm. And sex appeal. Why, money can’t even begin to compare to your other attributes, Big Willy.” Nearly choking on the words, Maisy batted her eyelashes and smiled adoringly.
“Aw, you sweet little thing.” Big Willy flashed Maisy a charismatic smile. “Y’all better be careful or you’re gonna make your hubby there jealous.”
“You are right, Big Wilson. I am very jealous of your Texas sex charm,” Rudy offered.
Big Willy gave him a dubious look and Maisy sighed.
“Getting back to Sharon,” Norman said, chomping on a forkful of the salad their server had just set before him. “The only caveat is that—”
Big Willy screwed his features. “The only what? Skip the ten-dollar words, cousin, and give it to me in plain American English.”
“Stipulation,” Norman substituted. “The only rule,” he amended when he saw that his cousin still looked clueless.
“All righty.” Big Willy smiled and nodded. “Rules I understand. Go ahead.”
“The only rule is that you can’t let Sharon know that Maisy and I set this whole thing up. Or that you’re my cousin. Or that you even know either one of us. At all.” A clipped spurt of staccato laughter tumbled from his throat. “Mmm, great creamy garlic dressing, don’t you think?”
Norman turned to Maisy, who figured she probably looked about as green as their salads.
With a sneer, Big Willy pushed away his salad. “Texans don’t eat that little, piddly rabbit food. I don’t get it, cousin. Why the big secret?”
“Funny thing.” Norman let forth with a volley of telltale laughter then licked his lips nervously. “You see, Sharon’s the widow of Maisy’s e
x-husband. And let’s just say they’re not exactly on the best of terms.”
“Sounds reasonable enough.” Big Willy nodded. “So why can’t I tell her you’re my cousin?”
“Eh…” Norman tugged at his collar and looked toward Maisy for help.
“Well, uh…” Unable to come up with a good reason, Maisy just shrugged and sank down a little farther in her seat. At this rate, before long she’d be on the floor.
Clearly picking up on the dilemma at hand, Rudy took a break from wolfing down his salad. Broadcasting a wide smile, he slapped Norman on the back.
“Because Sharon and my virile, robust, masculine friend Norman used to be sexual lovers. But she detests him now because she found out he is a wild sex machine who was also sexing many other women every day.”
“Oh God,” Norman and Maisy said in unison as he choked on his salad and she sprayed a mouthful of Riesling across the table. Receiving dual whacks on the back from Rudy and Big Willy, Norman fell forward, smacking his forehead onto the rim of his salad plate.
“Ow,” Norman said in a small voice.
“Is that all?” Big Willy asked. “Well, shoot, why didn’t you say so in the first place, cousin?” He reached over and jabbed Norman in the arm with what he figured was a playful punch.
“Ow.”
“You ol’ hound dog. That’s perfectly understandable.”
Norman shot up in his seat. “It is?” he said in surprise, wiping salad dressing from his forehead and wincing in pain. He shot a caustic look at Rudy who smiled proudly and gave a thumbs-up sign.
Maisy watched Norman shake his head in resignation and sigh. It was obvious the big, dopey, gorgeous, good-hearted German was bound and determined to preserve his lover’s macho image.
“Why sure,” Big Willy said. “A man can’t help givin’ in to his natural urges. That’ll teach ya to be more careful about gettin’ caught next time, cuz.” Sporting a conspirator’s wink, he gave Norman another enthusiastic slap on the back.
Norman just mouthed a silent ow this time.
“Now don’t you or Maisy worry none, Cousin Norman. I won’t let on to Sharon that I know either of you.” Big Willy cocked his head and studied Norman. “You okay, cousin? You’re lookin’ kinda green around the gills.”
“Oh yeah, I’m peachy…just peachy.” Norman gingerly fingered the growing egg on his forehead and grinned.
“Being the strong, sturdy man that he is,” Rudy offered, “Norman hardly even feels pain. Isn’t that right, my macho buddy?” Rudy gave Norman another hearty slap on the back.
Cringing, Norman uttered something resembling a sad, sick laugh. “Oh yeah. Me strong like bull,” he muttered weakly.
While Norman deserved to be thrashed for getting Maisy in this mess, as well as all the others, she had to admit she felt sorry for him. The poor guy would probably be sore for the next two weeks.
The entrees were brought to the table. The server stood with his hands behind his back after placing a charred-beyond-recognition burnt offering in front of Big Willy.
“The chef would like to know if he has succeeded in achieving the proper shade of ebony for your steak, sir.”
A determined look etched across his features, Big Willy sawed through the big leathery slab and shoved a piece in his mouth. After an inordinate amount of time chewing, he swallowed.
“Mmm-mmm!” Bobbing his head up and down, Big Willy tossed a wink at the server. “Son, you go tell that cook of yours that he did a right fine job with this here piece of cattle.”
“I’m sure he’ll be delighted to hear that.” The server offered a brisk nod before departing.
“Them prissy, fussy little fellas,” Big Willy said, jabbing his fork in the air toward the retreating server, “make the best waiters, don’t they? Guess it’s either that or bein’ a hairdresser, florist or a dancer.” He shrugged. “The little dandies ain’t fit for anythin’ else, know what I mean?” He stuffed a chunk of burned leather in his mouth and proceeded to give his jaw muscles a workout.
“Yes, Norman and I know what you mean.” Rudy nodded vehemently. “Don’t we, Norman?”
“Oh yeah, absolutely,” Norman agreed.
“Ja, because we are such manly men who love to have sex only with women. Like you, Big Wilson, we are not liking the kind of dandy men who act like they are from other planets. We detest them. We spit on them.” After making a ptooey gesture, Rudy offered Norman, who sat in horrified, drop-jawed amazement, a confident wink.
Something akin to an ailing groan escaped Maisy’s lips. She knew it was going to be bad, but not this bad.
“You know, Rudy,” Big Willy said, tsking as he angled his head, “you kraut-heads sure as heck got a funny way of talkin’.”
“Ja. That’s because I am German.”
“Austrian,” Norman quickly corrected.
“Oh yes, I mean Austrian,” Rudy agreed. “Sometimes I even forget where I am from.” He broke into nervous laughter. “That is an Austrian joke, Big Wilson. I made it because I am Austrian, not German.”
Big Willy just eyed Rudy for a moment. Maisy could almost see the gears and wheels turning inside his head. Of course, she highly doubted that there were any workings whatsoever in that melon that sat atop his broad shoulders.
“You do an awful lot of talkin’ about macho this and manly that, Rudy.” Big Willy gestured with his fork in the air. “But here you got the purdiest little thang sittin’ right there next to you and you ain’t even made a move to plant a smooch on that little lady’s kisser yet.”
Rudy paled and swallowed hard. Norman buried his head in his hands and Maisy offered up a silent prayer.
“Now,” Big Willy continued, “if that was my little filly sittin’ next to me, especially if we was still newlyweds like you, you’d better believe I’d be a whole lot more attentive. That’s fer dang sure.”
“Believe me,” Norman said, “Rudy can’t keep his hands off Maisy when they’re in private. He’s, uh…he’s just being on his best behavior tonight.” With an exaggerated wink, Norman nudged Big Willy with his elbow.
“That’s true,” Maisy confirmed. “He’s like a sex-crazed animal. Aren’t you, Rudy?” She smiled and pinched Rudy’s cheek.
“Yes, a crazy animal.” Rudy nodded. “That is why I cannot keep my hands off Maisy’s zaftig body—even when we are in a restaurant. Since we were seated, I have been rubbing against her big, beautiful breasts and…” Rudy cleared his throat and swallowed hard.
“And my fingers have been very attentive to the sex spot between her legs, under the table where you cannot see, Big Wilson.”
Maisy gasped. “Rudy!” she blurted, knocking her wineglass over as she turned to face her pseudo husband.
“Oh God,” Norman said, shaking his head and dissolving into sickly, pained laughter. “Oh God…”
“Well, hot damn! Score one for the kraut-head!” Big Willy whacked the table hard as he broke into laughter.
“Man, you foreigners sure are sneaky little rascals, that’s fer dang sure. Well, I reckon that’d explain why Maisy’s been lookin’ kinda funny on and off all night.” Big Willy gave Maisy an appraising once-over and winked.
As sheer, unmitigated horror skewed her features, Maisy whispered, “This isn’t happening.” Closing her eyes, she massaged her temples and scrunched low in her seat. “Please, God, tell me this is all just a bad dream.”
“Aw, a little pleasurin’ under the table ain’t nothin’ to be embarrassed about, Maisy, honey.” Big Willy tossed another charming wink. “After all, he’s your husband, ain’t he?”
Maisy opened her eyes and glared at Big Willy. It would be so easy just to whip off her high heel, aim for that smug, good ol’ boy puss of his and send her shoe careening across the table.
“Yes,” she said instead, aiming a deadly, warning glare at Rudy. “But there are some things ladies and gentlemen simply do not discuss, or allude to, especially when they’re at the dinner table—in public.” She yearn
ed to escape by seeping into the intricately detailed carpet and becoming one with the fibers.
“Ich bin traurig,” Rudy said. “I am sorry,” he quickly translated, apparently realizing he hadn’t spoken in English after Big Willy gave him a what-the-hell look.
“I should not have mentioned our happy secret pleasure under the table. But as a manly animal, who enjoys sex with his female wife, I cannot help myself from bragging.” He beamed a bright smile and turned to Maisy. “Liebling, my beautiful, zaftig wife, you are always very sexy and desiring to me,” Rudy said, placing his arm around her. “It is so hard to keep my hands from your body.”
Maisy didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “Yes, yes, I know,” she said through a sigh as she patted Rudy’s face. It was impossible to be angry with the big lummox. After all, it wasn’t his fault Norman had roped him into this disaster. Rudy’s earnest attempts to be a convincing, loving, heterosexual husband were really very sweet. Awfully strange, but sweet. It certainly wouldn’t be fair to blame poor Rudy if this crazy idea of Norman’s flopped.
Norman. Maisy shifted her gaze to him. Suddenly she wasn’t feeling quite so sorry for him. In fact, she could easily have him drawn and quartered for putting her through this humiliating charade.
“Ich liebe Dich,” Rudy said to Maisy. “That means I love you,” he explained to Big Willy. “And I love the little baby we have made from having sex so many numerous times together.”
“I love you too, Rudy,” Maisy said wearily. “Kiss-kiss.” Offering a drained smile, she kissed the air between them.
Evidently mistaking that as a cue, Rudy grabbed Maisy and nailed her to the back of the booth with a head-spinning humdinger of a kiss. One of his hands was at Maisy’s crotch while the other was clamped to her breast, kneading.
Flabbergasted, she slapped her hands against the back of the booth and shot a frantic, wide-eyed look at Norman—who clearly wasn’t going to be of any help because he looked just as stupefied as Maisy.
“Well, hot damn!” Big Willy said, smacking the table with his big paw. “Now that’s the way it’s done in the good old U S of A. Ain’t that right, cousin?” He laughed and elbowed Norman.
Absolutely Not Page 21