by V. K. Ludwig
“Anything,” I blurted to camouflage the tremble in my voice. Realization settled down on me like a big, fat blanket of snow, making me want to hand Rose over so she wouldn’t drown along with me.
“Let me come to the Clan of the Mountains with you.”
“Why?”
She took one of the maroon plates and washed the crumbs into the sink. The skillet she scrubbed with a handful of stalky hay and hung it on the shelf. She did all this meticulously, moving her hands in slow, unhurried circles.
“I only had a few days with Rose,” she said, “and I’d like to spend more time with her…” She took a breather as if there was more to come. A maybe. A because. Something. But her mouth closed shut, swallowing whatever had waited behind those lips.
“What about —” My holo-band lit up again and vibrated against my wrist.
“What the fuck do they want with me today?” I waved at it once more, waiting until the projection of Oriel’s head gleamed into the room.
Rose startled at his bright hologram, and I handed her over to Darya. She slipped her sweater up and tugged it between collarbone and chin, letting Rose pacify herself on her breast.
“We tried calling you several times,” Oriel said, turmoil squeezing his vocal cords and a please-don’t-hit-me kinda look on his face. “One tree fell, down here at the village. Couldn’t hold the weight of the wet snow anymore.”
“Huh. Guess it wasn’t an earthquake after all.” I looked up at Darya who just hiked her shoulders. “What of it? You need me to come help cut it up?”
He rubbed his palm over his face. “There was a, um, there was a casualty.”
“Someone got hurt?” Darya walked over to me and positioned herself behind me. “One of the villagers?”
I glanced behind my shoulder where Rose had fallen to sleep on Darya’s breast. If she broke the latch, my wife’s boobs would turn into a hologram for everyone to stare at. I pushed myself in front of her.
“Not exactly.” Oriel’s head sunk. “But the tree fell right on top of Brandy. I hate to say it, but it trashed your helicopter. One of the rotor engines is smashed beyond repair, and there’s no way we would ever find blades for that thing.”
“Fucking shit!” I kicked the chair beside me all the way to the front door.
“How about you take the small ski-doo? It’ll be plenty of room for your stuff and the baby.”
I began pacing the room, raking my hand through my beard as if a decision might fall out from it.
“How long until you can have the big snowmobile ready for me?” I asked.
“Not long,” Oriel said. “Took it for a spin a few days ago when I went ice fishing. Just need to refill on the gas and pack everything up. You’d be a lot faster with the ski-doo, though.”
“Yeah I get that,” I said and turned to Darya. “But I need room for one additional rider, more provisions, and a larger tent.”
Paddling against a current of fresh guilt, I hoped this would ease my heavy conscience.
She moved her lips into a silent “Thank you,” which made my hand tremble enough to send Oriel’s hologram into distortion.
A question pushed into the grooves of my brain and shook me to the core. How could I possibly spend two days with my still-but-not-much-longer wife in a dome tent that wasn’t even large enough for me to stretch my legs?
Chapter 16
Darya
Rowan steered the clattering snowmobile along the line of white spruces. At one-hundred-and-thirty miles per hour, their bluish-green needles barely distracted me from this otherwise colorless journey. Surrounded by it like a vessel on the open sea, even the color white suggested it had different nuances — I hated them all the same.
I had feared about Rose traveling with us high into the mountains. The constant brum-brum-brrrr of the engine could have scared her. The lashing wind could have whipped her soft little cheeks. The seven layers she wore might have pissed her off. She slept through most of it.
She dozed off about ten minutes into the journey which turned into a near-three-hours nap. The other four hours she spent curled up inside Rowan’s baby carrier on my chest or eating while the men refilled the tanks. Now the speed of the snowmobile pushed me into the backrest on our final stretch for the day.
To me, the constant clanking of the engine had long faded into the back of my mind. My focus was on Rowan now. Or to be precise, the way each breath he took expanded his strong chest against the palm of my hand. Even through the thick, insulated fabric, I could sense the strength which flowed through his body.
Something had changed about him, reflecting in the way he had allowed me more time with Rose. He had become quiet with an apologetic look on his face, though he never mentioned our last argument again.
I couldn’t let myself believe it had anything to do with how I accused him of leaving me alone to deal with a problem we shared. But then again, there were so many things we both could feel sorry for, it was hard to pinpoint the true reason for his change.
It doesn’t matter. Everything I’m holding on to will soon belong to Hazel.
My palms turned slick inside my gloves. I grabbed his sides tighter.
Oriel passed us with enough distance as not to spray us with snow, one hand gesturing to slow down. We approached the edge of the hill carefully and followed down a slope where it had touched the pastel-pink horizon.
I slung my arm around Rose and pulled her into my chest, not letting go until we stopped less than thirty feet from a frozen lake. A sprinkle of white, powdery snow had settled on its surface, but the dark blue puddle in the middle was proof we shouldn’t trust the ice.
I pulled my goggles off and rolled the turtleneck down. Less than a hundred feet from us stood a large wooden sign, the posts gobbled up by time and termites. Faded-red metal letters hung on it spelling epwa Beach, the far left of the sign empty where some letters had fallen off.
“Why did they call it beach if it wasn’t the ocean?” I asked.
Rowan helped me off the snowmobile, and my legs wobbled and shook as if the land underneath me turned into a sinkhole.
He dived his hands under Rose’s armpits but stopped. “Want me to take her?”
That look again…
I nodded, and he pulled her out of the carrier, strolling toward a rusty, crooked pole which poked out from the ground.
“Might have been a tourist magnet.” Oriel grabbed the tent bag from the storage trunk of our snowmobile and flung it into the snow a few feet from him. “There’s an old hotel here somewhere. And guess what…”
He pulled one of his gloves off and punched his arm into the snow which almost reached to his armpits.
“Check this out,” he said, pulling his hand out and slowly opening his fist. “Guess they brought in sand to make it seem more like a beach.”
Oriel sprinkled the grit onto the snow and patted his hand against his thigh. “You think you can give me a hand with the tent? We should set up yours first, so Rose can get out of the cold.”
I gave a quick nod and walked over to the bag. Together, we pulled out the metal rods and the bright-orange cover. Oriel set up the frame. I unfolded the sheet and fumbled the rods into the loops.
“You think it’s safe out here?” I asked.
He pointed at the lake. “If it wouldn’t be, there would be tracks on the water since it’s ice-fishing season. Besides, the hostilities between the Clans have gotten a lot better since Rowan and Xavier became chieftains. Guess both of them understand that we have to work together, or we won’t stand a chance against the Districts.”
We each held on to one end of the tent and stood it up. While I attached the hood, Oriel rammed the anchors into the ground with his heel.
“The Districts are harmless,” I said, unable to control how I let the tip of my fingers glide across my scarred arms. They might not have been hard-boiled fighters like the clansmen, but they carried their own kind of danger.
“Uh-huh.” He grabbed the tent bag
from his snowmobile, pulled the yellow cover out, and handed it to me. “Until they’re suddenly not harmless anymore. Their population grows a lot quicker than ours. More people need more resources. More land.”
For a moment, the breath stalled in my throat, something cold squirming across my skin. Our Clan had neither the technology nor the numbers to win a potential war.
“We should avoid any confrontation with them,” I said and helped Oriel to stand up his tent.
“And let the Districts continue to mess around with human genetics? I’m not a scientist, but I’d be worried about them fixing something while creating three new issues in exchange. It was the government who killed most of the female population. Why trust them now?”
He threw the hood over his tent, then placed both hands onto his hips. “The council knows what they’re doing is wrong, why else would they hide it from everyone?”
“All I know is that our Clan can’t fight them.”
“Agreed.” He looked skyward for a moment and took a deep breath. “Which is why we need this alliance with Xavier. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to be in Rowan’s shoes right now. Some want him to start a war. Others want him to stand down. And then there’s Max, who wants him to get those rebels out, or nonconformists or whatever he calls them. I hope I never accidentally kill a chieftain because that job’s the worst of all.”
Rowan walked up to us and glanced over the tents. He carried one brow furrowed, the other one arched as if his facial muscles were torn between frustration and astonishment. He pointed at the tents. “Couldn’t find anything brighter than that? It looks like the circus is in town!”
Oriel scratched the back of his head. “We can be camouflaged, or we can be warm. I chose warm.”
Rowan dangled Rose from his outstretched arms. “It’s your turn on diaper duty.”
I forced my stiff arms to take Rose from him. He handed me her bag from the snowmobile, and Oriel gave me a small heating unit which would keep the tent warm until they installed the stoves.
Bundled up for almost eight hours, Rose’s bottom had developed a rash. I cleaned her up with some water from the thermos mug and soap. After that, I placed her onto one of the sleeping bags Rowan had handed me, pushed a towel underneath, and left her bottom undressed. With a thick wool blanket draped over her body, her skin might breathe and heal.
Night came quickly this far north but tinted in blues and purples. They rose into the sky like schemes of the old cities, guiding my eyes to the stars. Swirls appeared at the horizon, placing the trees in an inferno of emerald green. It turned everything ahead of us into a silent firework, its reflection breaking at the frozen surface of the lake.
Rowan was working on the heating situation, pushed the pipe through the vent hole, and attached it to the portable stove. He grabbed three blocks of dehydrated goat dung and lit a fire, turning the tent from freezing to cozy in less than thirty minutes.
“It’s been so long since I’ve seen the northern lights,” I said, struggling Rose’s feet into her white jumpsuit. “Almost forgot how beautiful they are.”
He wiggled the bottle of milk at me, and I handed him Rose. Cradled in his strong arms, she gazed up at him, swallowing loudly and with a certain satisfaction in the sound of it.
I grabbed the fabric-wrapped jerky strips. “Want more?”
“Nah, that shit gives me gas if I eat too much of it. I’d rather wait for breakfast.”
I rolled the lump in yet another piece of fabric and stored it in our pack. Tomorrow we would travel for another seven to eight hours until we reached Xavier and his Clan.
“Is the movement detector up and running,” Rowan shouted after a while.
“Sh!”
I pointed at Rose, who had drifted off. The bottle nipple poked against the red tip of her nose, and a drop of milk drooled down the corner of her mouth.
“Oops.” He put the bottle down and wiped her mouth with his thumb. “Guess milk coma came early today.”
“Up and running,” came back from Oriel. “I’ll keep one eye open all night. You make sure the girls get some shut-eye. They get cranky when they’re overtired.”
Rowan gave me a wink. “My words.”
I climbed into our huge sleeping bag, shoving myself to one side until the seams wouldn’t let me go any further.
“I’m ready,” I whispered.
He climbed over to me in slow-motion and carefully lowered Rose into the sleeping bag right next to me. Her eyes still closed, she swung her head from one side to the other for a moment. Then she pressed her body against me in a deep sigh.
I wrapped my arms around her so she wouldn’t roll onto her back. “She’s pretty pooped.”
“That’s the fresh air she got all day,” he said and climbed in with us. “Sorry about the sleeping bag situation, but I figured ’she’d be a lot warmer if we only used one.”
“I don’t mind. She’s got a rash on her bum by the way.”
Pity tugged on the corners of his eyes, and he pushed himself closer to Rose. “We need to clean her up properly and leave the diaper off for a while, letting some air get to it.”
“I did that earlier.”
“Good.” He fumbled his sweater over his head and threw it at his feet. “I think I also packed some calendula cream Autumn made. Which reminds me…”
He turned around and let his fingers disappear into a small plastic bag, digging and rummaging until he pulled out a small glass jar. “This is supposed to stop your scars from itching.”
I nestled my face against Rose, unable to look at him. “Hazel told you then…”
“I wish you had.” He took the lid off, dipped two fingers into the pale-green substance, and put the jar aside. “Show me where they are, and I’ll rub it into your skin.”
I hesitated, my feet turning cold and numb. Those scars screamed weakness, and they would stay there as a permanent reminder of how I failed my Clan and my husband.
The moment I pushed up the sleeves on my waffle shirt, a mix of anger and pity filled Rowan’s eyes.
“Bastards.” He clenched his lips, pressed them so hard together the skin wrapped tightly around his jaws. With slow, careful movements, he dabbed the green stuff into my skin, his fingers unsteady. “Those scars seem so ragged, do I even want to know what they cut you with?”
“I bit myself.”
“What?” His hand hung lifelessly over my arm, and he bore his eyes into me. “Did you say you bit yourself?”
“Uh-huh.”
“But… why?”
“Because pain feels a lot better than not feeling anything at all.”
He nodded and sunk his head, dabbing the rest of the cream into my skin. “Well, the baby books say calendula is great for scars, too. We can try that one tomorrow.”
“You and your baby books.”
I tried to bite back a giggle, but it eventually pushed out sounding like a snort.
“Don’t make fun of me,” he said, a smile on his face that made the tent suddenly feel warmer. Almost hot.
He rolled onto his side and placed his head onto his outstretched arm, looking right at me “You learned all that from your mom and other women. I had to raid an old book store.”
“We’re lucky to have bookstores and libraries to raid. People in the Districts told me that most books in the southern areas couldn’t be saved. Said the high humidity destroyed most of them.”
I didn’t notice how my hand reached over to his. Couldn’t explain how it happened. But the moment our fingers intertwined sent an electrical current through my skin. It traveled along my arm and into my chest, making my heart beat so loud all the other noises faded away. All of them, except for our breathing. Rose’s deep and slow. Rowan’s and mine paced and shallow.
I must have smiled because he smiled back. And for a moment we might have fooled ourselves that the three of us were a unit. A family.
Our bodies and arms formed a perfect arc around Rose.
It encapsulated her in
love and devotion — from both sides.
Rowan had given her all his loyalty. Committed himself more like her father than any other guy ever would.
I fought back the bulge inside my throat. This moment didn’t deserve tears of sadness. Everything about it was beautiful. Perfect. Except that it was not. But at that moment I realized that Rowan was just as deserving of Rose as I.
Perhaps even more.
His hand squeezed mine, sending waves of shivers across my body. It was the sentiment that pebbled my skin. For the first time since I came back, he offered me his strength to compensate for my weakness.
“Are you cold?” he asked, something hopeful shining through from behind his gray eyes.
I wasn’t cold.
I nodded.
I would have told a thousand lies without hesitation, just to bring him close to me once more.
He tugged on Rose and carefully pulled her toward him. I wiggled myself in the same direction. Two seconds later, he climbed over with slow, precise movements, positioning himself behind me.
How this man emanated such heat from his naked torso in the middle of winter, I’d never understood. But he did, and his chest burned my back.
It had been so long since our bodies touched like this, two bodies forming one entity, but nothing about it felt new or strange. There was the familiarity of his warmth. The awareness of his masculine shape against me.
He stroked through my hair and let the ends glide from his palms. The cold tip of his nose pushed against the side of my neck. Leisurely, it wandered up and down, taking in my scent as if he was addicted to it. His fingers wandered underneath my shirt, taking in a handful of breast and kneading it reluctantly.
“I’m tired of this battle we’re fighting against each other,” he whispered into my ear, his breath sending a new wave of goosebumps down my spine.
I let my hand wander behind my back, resting my palm against his ripped stomach. “Me too.”
He shoved Rose closer to the stove, giving him all the room he needed to let his hand land on my thigh, wander up and tug on my pants. Trembling fingers lay my pussy bare, and I arched my back.