Kensie froze. She knew what to expect. She knew what she was in for, but seeing it made something inside of her snap. She stepped forward, lunging at them, but was yanked back, before she knew what was happening.
Grant mumbled an apology, pulling her out of the room. Carter’s eyes snapped opened at the sound of his brother’s voice. The last thing she saw before Grant closed the door was the regret that flooded his blue eyes.
She couldn’t help the sobs that tore through her chest
“Kensie?” The panic was evident in Grant’s voice.
“I’m such an idiot,” she whispered.
The door swung open and Carter and Susie came tumbling out. Kensie sneered at the woman as she scurried out of the guest house.
“Kensie…”
“Your zipper’s down,” she growled. She didn’t want to hear his bullshit. She needed to get the fuck out of there.
“Baby, I’m sorry.”
“Baby? What the fuck is going on?” Grant asked, looking from Carter to Kensie, confusion written all over his face.
“Ask your brother,” Kensie bit, brushing past him, swiping angrily at her tears.
“Carter, tell me you didn’t.”
“Grant, it’s not like that. Kensington, wait a goddamn minute!” he yelled, grabbing her arm.
She spun around and slapped him across the face. “You don’t get to touch me, ever again.”
CT grabbed her wrists and pulled her closer, his eyes flashed with something Kensie couldn’t read. “You don’t get to be mad at me. I’ve had to sit here and watch him fucking grope you all day. You think that was easy for me? Yes, I fucked up, but you’re not innocent!”
“What did you want me to do, Carter? He’s my fucking boyfriend.”
“So, fuck my feelings then, right?”
“Yes! Fuck your feelings and fuck your half-ass apology. You know I’m not sleeping with him. I told you I loved you, and you turn around and let that bitch suck your dick.”
“Look,” Grant said, stepping in between them, “I’m not sure what’s going on, but I think it’s time to end this conversation unless you’re looking to start World War three.”
“You’re right.” Kensie nodded. She inhaled and exhaled slowly, desperately trying to check her emotions. She turned and headed for the bathroom.
“Kensie…” Carter’s voice cracked.
“Bro, just give her a minute,” Grant ordered, pushing his brother back.
She needed to get out of there. She couldn’t stand the sight of Carter and she couldn’t face Trey in her current state, so she called the only person she could think of, her true knight in shining armor. She answered almost immediately.
“Jam.” She only got the one word out before collapsing onto the floor, overcome with grief.
Rain dropped from the sky like a thousand tiny shards of ice prickling Kensie’s skin. After spending the weekend in the fetal position, she relished the pain. Physical pain was always easier to manage than emotional. Her personal life may have been in shambles, but that didn’t mean she had to tank her personal life as well. It took courage to step out from under her father’s shadow, and she wasn’t going to let Carter, or Trey, or random pool house skanks ruin the one thing she had left to cling to.
Safe Haven was located in West Seattle. The large brick home looked like every other house on the block. Older, slightly run-down, but so full of life and history, she knew almost immediately, she had made the right choice. Being there, seeing the kids run and play and laugh, meeting Tanner, the resident director, and one of the kindest men she’d ever met, felt as natural as the sun on her skin.
She’d nailed the interview, answering each question he threw at her flawlessly. For the first time in her life Kensie knew exactly what she wanted. She knew exactly who she was. Helping people, and not in a $5,000 a plate charity dinner way—but actually getting her hands dirty—that was who she wanted to be.
Biting back a shiver, Kensie crossed her arms over her chest before darting out towards her car. A man dressed in all black leaned up against the side of it, hood up, head down, hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans. Though she couldn’t see his face, she could feel him. His presence warmed her even under the assault of the cold rain.
She skidded to a halt, debating her next move. Logically, she couldn’t avoid him forever, but she wanted to ride the high of her interview for a while longer. Puffing out her chest, she continued walking, breezing past him without so much as a second glance.
“How’d it go?” he asked as if Saturday had never happened. She ignored him and continued her journey to nowhere, but Carter fell in step beside her. “Talk to me.”
“What are you doing here?” Her voice cracked on the last word. God, why did she have to love him? Stupid heart.
“You wouldn’t answer any of my phone calls or text messages. I needed to see you. I need to make this right.”
“How did you know where I was?”
“I knew your interview was today.” He shrugged. “I’ve been here all morning. I watched you walk in.” CT was usually all swagger, all bravado. He took what he wanted, when he wanted it, but the man beside her seemed lost.
“What do you want from me?” she asked, turning to look at him. The rain blurred her vision, or maybe it was the tears she was holding back that made it hard to see.
“You said you were falling in love with me.” He unzipped his hoodie and draped it around her shoulders. “You said you chose me.”
“Momentary lapse of judgment. I was hypnotized by your devil dick.” Kensie pulled the jacket from around her and held it out to him. She’d rather the rain soak her down to the bone than wear anything that belonged to him.
“Baby—”
“No,” she seethed, stabbing a finger into his chest. “Don’t baby me, Carter. I don’t want your apologies. I asked you to give me one day. One fucking day. I was willing to throw everything away for you and you tossed all that to the side because of jealousy and pride.”
“I know. I fucked up and I’m not going to give you some bullshit excuse because you deserve better than that. I just…” He ran his fingers through his wet hair. “Seeing you with anyone would be fucking unbearable, but seeing you with him…I couldn’t handle it.”
“Why do you two hate each other so much?”
“It’s complicated,” he said. His eyes were the darkest she’d ever seen them.
“Complicated how?”
“Are you still with him?” he asked, changing the subject.
Thunder roared high above them as the rain continued to pour. A couple brushed past them, umbrella held high, as they moved forward. Forward. Everyone’s life moved forward, while Kensie stayed stagnate—umbrella-less—under the cold summer rain. “That’s none of your business.”
“The first sign of trouble and you run back into his arms?” Accusation infected his tone. Like she had betrayed him and not the other way around.
“I watched some skank give you a blowjob,” she reminded him.
“And I had to watched Trey maul you all fucking day.”
“So, what, you thought you’d make yourself feel better by destroying me? What did you think would happen here?”
“I told you, I didn’t think. I just needed to see you.”
“Well, I’m sorry you wasted your morning, but we don’t have anything else to talk about.”
“That’s it then, you’re just giving up?”
“Yeah.” She nodded. “I knew this would happen. I just didn’t think it would happen before we got the chance to try.”
The hurt in his eyes was quickly replaced by anger. “This wasn’t worth the fucking headache. I should’ve just fucked you and left you alone. That’s all you wanted anyway, right?”
She laughed, though there was no humor in the sound. “You can’t be serious? After all this, waiting outside for hours, that’s how you want to end it?”
“Yeah, I guess.” He shook off the residual pain. Kensie watch
ed as he retreated inside his head. She could see it happening. A flip of a switch and his self-preservation mode kicked in.
Kensie shoved the sopping wet hoodie into his chest. “Goodbye, Carter.”
It was almost five o’clock when Kensie finally found the strength to drag herself out of bed. Jam would be home soon and Kensie did her best to put on a brave face. She ordered pizza from their favorite pizzeria and prayed that a hot shower would help rinse Carter from her spirit. Their breakup left her reeling. It felt strange calling it that—a breakup. They’d only known each other a short while and she had a boyfriend throughout the duration of their relationship, but that’s what it was, a breakup.
She’d certainly felt broken.
“Get it together, Roth,” she reprimanded. Her interview couldn’t have gone better. Safe Haven was everything she’d hoped it would be. She should be celebrating.
A faint knock at the front door pulled Kensie from her misery. She grabbed her robe and wrapped it around herself, securing it tightly before jogging to the living room. She pulled the door open to greet the pizza delivery person, only to find Trey standing there in business casual, holding her pizza hostage.
“Hi,” she said meekly. She didn’t know if her psyche could handle two breakups in one day.
“May I come in?” he asked. She couldn’t decipher the look in his eyes.
Anger?
Pity?
Hurt?
“Sure.” Kensie stepped back, granting him entrance. She followed quietly behind as he walked into the living room and set the pizza boxes on the coffee table. They stood awkwardly, him staring, her fiddling with the ties of her robe.
“What’s going on with you, baby?” Trey asked. The pleading expression in his eyes would have broken her had Carter not already done so.
“Maybe we should sit?” she suggested. Trey nodded and pulled her down onto his lap so that she was straddling him. It was the most intimacy they’d shared since before Trey left for Vegas.
“What happened Saturday? We were supposed to be getting back to Trey and Kensie. You left Liam’s party without so much as a fucking goodbye.”
“I texted you,” she murmured, avoiding his gaze. She’d been so devastated that day that she couldn’t bring herself to face him. She’d stayed hidden in the guest house until Jam arrived. Grant had reluctantly helped run interference.
“You texted me once you were already on your way back home,” he argued. “I was going crazy when you disappeared. Grant and Liam had to drag me out of the party. Then yesterday, I called you a million times. I was so worried about you that I went to CMC to make sure you were okay, and Beth told me that you took a personal day. Do you know how stupid I felt, standing there lying to your friend like I’d gotten the days mixed up?”
“I get it,” she croaked out. Kensie was such a nervous wreck that she gnawed on her poor lip until she broke the skin. “I’ve been selfish and immature, I just…I know what I need to do but…it’s hard.”
“Then don’t do it,” he pleaded, running his hands up her thighs. God, why did she have to be naked under her robe?
“I think…I need a break.” She said it, finally, but instead of relief, she felt crushing heartbreak. She’d loved him once. She loved him still, but she was in love with Carter.
“Don’t, Kensington. You can’t just throw this past year away.”
“I’m not, but I can’t do this anymore,” she sobbed, resting her forehead on his. She still couldn’t look him in the eyes. She didn’t want to risk it, she’d surely cave. She never wanted this to happen, she never wanted to hurt him, but she couldn’t pretend anymore. “I’m not happy.”
“Tell me what to do? I’ll do whatever it takes.”
“Trey, that’s just it, there isn’t anything you can do. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’ve been the same this entire time. I’m the one who’s changed. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself and I need to figure out who I am and what I want.”
“I can fix this,” he promised, pressing a kiss against her cheek. “You’ve got to let me fix this.” Another kiss, this time on the corner of her mouth.
“Trey, please don’t make this any harder.” She cried endless tears as her body shook uncontrollably. Life would be so much easier if she could just love him the way he loved her.
Trey’s mouth hovered over hers. “Let me fix this.” He kissed her again, his tongue gently begging for entrance.
“This doesn’t change anything between us,” she whispered. Her body softened, her lips relaxed, and she granted him access to her mouth.
Taking advantage of her newly wrecked resolve, Trey flipped Kensie onto her back, rising above her. He pulled the ties on her robe loose and his hand traveled down her body. “I can fix this,” he murmured, trailing kisses down her neck.
She arched her back as he kissed his way from her neck, down between the valley of her breasts. Kensie never stopped crying. There was no passion or pleasure. She wasn’t going to change her mind. Sorrow punctuated her every movement. She was broken and selfish enough to use Trey to make her feel whole one last time.
“Ahem.”
Kensie stilled, her eyes snapped opened to find Jam and Ryder standing in the entryway of their apartment. Dread filled her body as she scrambled to cover herself. Her eyes locked on the door, waiting…for him.
“It’s just us,” Jam mouthed, as if she could read Kensie’s mind.
Relief flooded her. She was awful at this whole double life thing. “Sorry, he was just leaving.”
Trey swallowed hard. “Come with me.”
Kensie shook her head. She didn’t trust herself to speak.
Trey sighed, his own resolve crumbling. “I’ll give you space, if that’s what you need, but I’m not giving up on us yet,” he promised, bringing her hand to his lips. He lingered for a moment longer before turning to leave. It wasn’t until then that he really looked at the man standing behind Jam. Confusion flashed in his eyes as he turned to look back at Kensie.
“Oh…uh, that’s Jam’s boyfriend, Ryder. Ryder, this is Trey,” she stammered. She knew introductions were probably pointless, but she didn’t know what else to do. As far as Trey knew, yesterday was the first time she’d ever met Carter.
“Knight,” Ryder spat. “I thought I smelled pompous asshole.” His jaw flexed, every muscle in his body tensed.
Trey laughed bitterly. “Jesus, Jamie, I know you love a good project, but you’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel with him.”
“Trey,” Kensie reprimanded.
“I thought you were leaving,” Jam seethed.
“I am,” he said, leaning down, kissing Kensie once more before heading towards the exit. “Hide your valuables around that one,” he called over his shoulder as he slipped out the door.
Ryder slammed it behind him, punching it, before Jam put her hand on his arm. “Babe, relax. He’s not worth it.”
He sucked in a breath, then released it. “Why is he even here?” he gritted, spinning around to face Kensie. “CT is home losing his shit over you and you’re here with him?”
“Ry,” Jam warned.
“No, Kitty Cat. I haven’t seen him this bad in years. You can’t keep flip-flopping back and forth.”
“Me?” Kensie shrieked incredulously. “I told him I was falling in love with him and he responded by letting some bitch blow him.”
“I’m not trying to excuse what he did, but he doesn’t think straight when it comes to Trey. He’s his trigger. CT’s got some serious trust issues, and most of them are because of that cocksucker!” Ryder yelled, pointing towards the door.
“He’s not the only one with trust issues,” Kensie countered.
“He’s not the only one to blame either.”
“Ryder,” Jamie’s voice was cold as she turned to face her boyfriend, “back the fuck off. CT did this. Kensie can do whatever the fuck she wants.”
“No, it’s okay, Jam, he’s right. I’m no angel. I know what my p
art was in all this, but that doesn’t mean that he gets a free pass to treat me like shit. I never lied to him. He knew what he was getting into.”
“I’m just saying you have a bigger effect on him than you realize. I know he can be a dickhead, trust me, I get it. Just, don’t let him push you away. He needs to know that someone is willing to fight for him.”
“Who’s going to fight for me?” She understood triggers. She could deal with trust issues, and she knew the pain of betrayal, but she was sick of managing everyone else’s expectations.
She was Victor and Jacquelyn’s princess, and Rachel’s errand girl. She was Trey’s perfect little wife, and she played Wendy to Carter’s Peter, but that was all going to change. She made a silent vow, as she grabbed one of the pizza boxes off the table. From that moment on, she would be unapologetically Kensington Grace Roth.
“Bless you,” Beth grumbled, tossing a small packet of tissues on Kensie’s desk.
“You’re a lifesaver,” Kensie thanked her, runny nose, bloodshot eyes, raw throat, and all. She’d been nursing a cold all week, first blaming it on her allergies, but as time wore on her symptoms only worsened.
“Leave it to you to catch the flu in the summer,” Beth observed as she squirted hand sanitizer onto her palms. “No offense, Kensie, but you look like a zombie. You probably should’ve stayed home today.”
Kensie sneezed again. “I couldn’t,” she sniffled. “I was out Monday. Rachel would have a meltdown if I missed another day.” That was only partially true. The real reason she insisted on coming to work, even though she felt like she’d been hit by a bus, was because she wanted the distraction. Being home provided her with an unlimited amount of time to think about the mistakes she’d made and the pain she’d caused.
“I think she’d understand,” Beth said shaking her head. Kensie watched as her co-worker pulled a disinfecting wipe from the tube sitting on the corner of her desk. She wiped down her phone and keyboard before tossing it into the trash bin.
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